WWF Wrestlemania 6
"Upon the examinations of the galaxies of space, images begin to appear. Images of strange and powerful forces. But of all the forces in the universe, the two most powerful, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior, prepare to explode. Champion versus champion. Title for title. It's the ultimate challenge. IT'S WRESTLEMANIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggg!"
It's ROBERT GOULET! Lmao at the dudes wearing tuxes with Warrior face paint.
Koko B. Ware vs Rick Martel
Why, yes, I am a model. Thanks for asking. Martel attacks while Koko is getting checked by the ref. Martel is in his home country, but the Toronto crowd doesn't seem to be giving him a warm homecoming. Perhaps it's the Montreal thing. Martel works the back to set up the Quebec crab. Koko misses a second cross body and gets locked in it. Short, but enjoyable opener.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with Brain, Andre, and HAKUUU. Mean Gene ponders if the shit jokes were really worth it.
TO THE MOON. The challengers, Demolition. Ax is gonna cut down those trees. Smash talks about basically having a king of the road match with the Colossal Connection.
Colossal Connection vs Demolition WWF Tag Team Championships
The Connection attacks before the bell. Andre is basically completely immobile here, only popping into the ring to break up pins and nearly falling each time. So what happens is Andre stands on the apron, and Haku has a singles match against Ax. When Andre finally gets into the ring (illegally, but still), Haku accidentally superkicks him, making him fall back and get caught in the ropes. From there, Demolition hit the decapitation elbow for the win. New champions. Post match, Brain loses his shit at Andre. "I'M THE FUCKIN' BOSS." You're on camera, Brain. Bobby SLAPS Andre, so Andre paint brushes him a few times and gives him a punch. Haku tried and attack and got laid out as well. Andre gets to leave to a tremendous ovation. This was Andre's last televised WWF match. There would be a rematch 6 days later in Hawaii at a house show, then I guess if you want to consider Andre/Baba vs Demolition at the Wrestling Summit to be a WWF match or not. Either way, this was his last "official" WWF match, so he got his face turn moment and everyone got to be happy to see him go. But it was sad to see him get to that point.
TO THE MEAN GENE. It's THE CANADIAN EARTHQUAKE! And Jimmy Hart. That piece of shit.
Hercules vs Earthquake
Will Herc be able to slam Quake? Quake tries to attack before the bell, but Herc has been watching the previous matches and saw that shit coming. Quake is another countryman that the Toronto crowd ain't cheering for. These Canadians ain't loyal. Good luck beating a monster Hogan hasn't beaten yet, Herc. Ya fuckin' jerk. And guess what: Quake squashed his ass. Literally, I mean. The match itself wasn't a squash, although Quake did control the majority of it.
TO THE RONA BARRETT. Rona is joined by Miss Elizabeth. Fans have been wondering why Liz hasn't been on TV lately. Basically, she doesn't want to disappoint her fans by not being physically active at ringside. If she does come back, she's gonna be kicking ass and taking names.
TO THE MOON. Brutus Beefcake is taking one final look at Mr. Perfect's record because after tonight, it will no longer be perfect. Lmao at Beefer not being able to cut the paper with his hedge clippers.
Mr. Perfect vs Brutus Beefcake
Can you believe a heel tries to attack before the bell again? I love Gorilla, but my man just did not understand what a 360 was. Beefer has a big flurry of offense to start the match, which sees Perfect bouncing all around the ring and over the ropes multiple times, but there's only so much you can do to make Beefcake look good. Mary Tyler Moore appears to be a big fan of Beefcake, so that makes me rethink her entire comedic career. Perfect blasts Brutus with Genius' metal scroll, and then goes to work on the neck and back to set up the Perfect Plex. Brutus WINS. With a slingshot that knocked Perfect out. After the match, Genius got his hair cut. Again.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Roddy Piper is with Gene, half of his body painted black, apparently to represent being both the Hot Rod and the Hot Scot. He goes on to make fun of Bad News Brown's wide nose, big ears, and bulgy eyes.
Bad News Brown vs Roddy Piper
Hey, look, Canada again shitting on one of their own. Dude basically had been living in Canada for a decade, helping keep Stampede open. And this crowd couldn't care less. Disgusting lack of loyalty from these syrup suckers. But they do pop for the guy who is half in black face. I see you, Toronto. ICU. I remember one time that Piper said he couldn't be racist because there were no black people where he grew up. Impossible to be racist against them if they aren't there. They have a really shitty brawl where Piper eventually pulls out a WHITE glove to combat Bad News' black glove. They get counted out brawling on the floor, fighting all the way to the back.
TO THE SHOWERS. Steve Allen is playing a fucking piano IN THE SHOWERS. God damn baby grand in a shower. He's with the Bolsheviks, preparing for a performance of the Russian national anthem. Of course, it's nothing but Russian jokes.
Hart Foundation vs BOLSHEVIKS
Finally, some Canadians getting some love. These dirty Canadians attack during the Russian national anthem. That's not nice. Hart Attack OUTTA NOWHERE. Why, yes, Bret Hart at WM in Canada got a 15 second match.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Shout out to Tito.
Barbarian vs Tito Santana
Barb's first big singles match in the WWF. I was really sure Barb was about to hit a powerbomb. But he did hit the BIG BOOT! That was just like, the middle of the match, too. Tito makes a come back but gets smashed with a flying lariat.
TO THE MOON. Dusty and Sweet Sapphire, daddeh. They got the crown jewel tonight.
Randy Savage/Queen Sherri vs Dusty Rhodes/Sapphire
Dusty reveals the crown jewel he was talking about: MISS ELIZABIT! I'll tell you this, neither Dusty nor Macho have an issue with knocking the women around. Otherwise it's pretty bad since Saaphire isn't a wrestler and Dusty is completely washed. Liz ends up shoving Sherri, who gets rolled up by Saaphire. After the match, Liz, Saaphire, and Dusty have the worst dance party you've ever seen. Liz legit danced like Elaine.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Brain is still HOT about Andre. "Bobby Heenan, where do you have the bal...the nerve to hit Andre The Giant in the face?" "YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM ME!" Brain is gonna start a new family with new members that will listen to him.
TO THE BACK. Jesse and Gorilla talk with Rona Barrett. Rona has uncovered some dirt on Jesse Ventura. OH SHIT, Jesse has a sex tape! Jesse gets it thrown to Sean before she can show the footage.
TO THE MOON. Macho and Sherri are FLIPPING THEIR SHIT. "You sealed the nails on the you know what, and the crown jew (sic) doesn't exist!"
TO THE MEAN GENE. Demolition celebrate their title win. The Hart Foundation had already made a challenge to the winner of the match, so Demos vs Harts is up next.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Nothing but positive vibes in SkyDome, brother. "But The Ultimate Warrior, you must realize that when you step in the SkyDome, when you feel the energy that's gonna run wild throughout the arena, those are MY people. That's MY energy, brother. And Ultimate Warrior, THIS IS WHERE THE POWER LIES, man, and the power of the Hulkster, the largest arms in the world. And once I get you down on your knees, Ultimate Warrior, I'm gonna ask you one question, brother. I'm going to ask you: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? And if your answer is yes, Ultimate Warrior, then breathe your last breath into my body. I can save ya. My Hulkamaniacs can save ya. We can turn the darkness that you live in into the light. We can save all your little Warriors with the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. But I gotta prove one thing to all my Hulkamaniacs out there. It's not whether you win or whether you lose. The only thing that matters is what kind of winner you are, or what kind of loser you are. And Ultimate Warrior, I sure hope you're a good loser, brother. WHATCHA GONNA DO in SkyDome when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroys you?"
TO THE MOON. "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A NORMAL! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR THAT I AND HULK HOGAN DO! HULK HOKAN, I MUST ASK YOU NOW, AS YOU ASKED ME, DO YOU, HOAK HOKAN WANT YOUR IDEAS, YOUR BELIEFS, TO LIVE FOREVER? FOR HULK HOGAN, IN THIS NORMAL WORLD, PHYSICALLY, NONE OF US CAN LIVE FOREVER. BUT THE PLACES YOU HAVE TAKEN THE HULKAMANIACS, THE IDEAS AND THE BELIEFS YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM CAN LIVE THROUGH ME, HULK HOGAN. THAT IS WHY I BREATHE. THAT IS WHY THE WARRIORS HAVE COME. HOKE HOGAN, THERE ARE ONES THAT QUESTION WHERE YOU ARE TAKING THEM. DO YOU NO LONGER WANT TO WALK OR STEP INTO THAT DARKNESS? HULK HOGAN, THE DARKNESS I SPEAK OF IS NOTHING TO FEAR. IT IS ABOUT THE BELIEFS OF ACCEPTING ANY AND ALL CHALLENGES AT THE COST OF LOSING EVERYTHING, HOALK HOKIN. YOU HAVE LIVED, HOULK HOKEN, FOR THE PAST FIVE WRESTLEMANIAS FOR THIS ONE BELIEF. NOW, HOEK HOUKAN, I COME TO TAKE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN FURTHER THAN YOU EVER COULD. I COME, HUIK HOUKIN, NOT TO DESTROY THE HULKAMANIACS AND HULKAMANIA. I COME, HOAK HOAKIN, I COME TO BRING THE WARRIORS AND HULKAMANIACS TOGETHER AS ONE, AS WE, HOKE HOKEN, ACCEPT ALL THE CHALLENGES WITH ALL THE STRENGTHS OF THE WARRIORS AND THE HULKAMANIACS TOGETHER. HOAK HOGAN, THE COLORS OF THE HULKAMANIACS ARE COMING THROUGH THE PORES OF MY SKIN! AND HOAK HOAKIN, WHEN WE MEET, HOLK HOEKIN, I WILL LOOK AT YOU AND YOU WILL REALIZE THEN THAT I HAVE COME TO DO NO ONE NO HARM, BUT ONLY, HULC HOKAN, TO TAKE WHAT WE BOTH BELIEVE IN TO PLACES IT SHALL NEVER HAVE BEEN!
Orient Express vs Rockers
Three different tag matches, and there were still like 4-5 other teams not on the card. Rockers hit a bunch of double team shit early on, including a double dive. Then Marty gets low bridged and whacked with that fucking cane. Curious as to why the Rockers are in a match about 30 times longer than a Hart Foundation match. In Canada. HBK ends up as FIP for a while, but a nice handful of salt to the eyes blinds Marty, who falls over the railing, getting himself counted out. Fine for what it was, but not even close to the Rockers/OE matches with Paul Diamond in Sato's place.
TO THE STEVE. Steve Allen speaks with Rhythm & Blues. One of the hottest bands in the world. Fucking HTM. TUNE YOUR FUCKING GUITAR YOU FUCKING CUNT. "Well, to be honest, Honky, I haven't been this excited since I found out that Pee Wee Herman was straight."
Dino Bravo vs Jim Duggan
Mother fuckers, this Canadaian crowd is cheering for the guy with an American flag against a Canadian. IN CANADA. LMAO, a bit of a USA chant actually breaks out. But fuck this match. I've actually kind of come to enjoy Dino in some way, but I ain't fucking with Duggan ever. DOOGUN won after using his 2x4, but Earthquake squashed his ass after the match. The universe provides, brehs.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Jake Roberts has some cold words for Ted DiBiase.
Jake Roberts vs Ted DiBiase Million Dollar Championship
Mid South represent. Jake tries for the DDT very early on. Ted had some great traps. He's not the kind of guy you'd be like "great body of the 80s", but he had some dope traps. Jake tries for the DDT a few more times and then decides to go after the arm to wear Ted down a bit. Of course, Jake misses the cross-ring knee lift, and Ted goes to work on the neck after that. THE WAVE breaks out in SkyDome. Gorilla basically says the crowd was trying to get itself over. Wave aside, the crowd is very hot for this match. Jake finally makes his comeback only for Virgil to get involved and pull him out of the ring before he could hit the DDT. Ted locked on the Million Dollar Dream on the floor, but Jake drove him into the post...however, Virgil threw Ted back into the ring before the 10 count, so Ted won and retained his title via count out. You know, I was 100% certain that Virgil would get hit with the DDT after the match, but he ran away with the belt and Ted ended up getting hit with it. SWERVE!
TO THE MOON. Akeem and Slick. The Twin Towers have split because the Boss Man refused to accept Ted DiBiase's money. But now, Slick is very happy because Ted has paid these two to take out Boss Man.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Boss Man considers Ted to be SCUM. He don't take money from SCUM. Or anybody. But especially SCUM. Lmao, Boss Man calls Slick a wannabe pimp and then says he's proud to be an American. Because Akeem is the African Dream, you see.
Akeem vs Big Boss Man
TWIN TOWERS EXPLODE! Akeem is for sure better than One Man Gang. If just for Jive Soul Bro. Oh shit, Ted DiBiase spider crawls back out and attacks Boss Man before the match. Thems hard times, daddeh. Regardless, Boss Man wins with a Boss Man Slam in under 2 minutes.
TO THE MOON. Sean talks to Mary Tyler Moore in the crowd, who is apparently also a mark for Honky Tonk Man. Wow. FUCK Mary Tyler Moore.
Rhythm & Blues come out in a pink Cadillac, driven by a "young" DDP. And by young, I mean a dude who was about to turn 35 in a few days and hadn't even had his first match yet. HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT. HE WAS THE ANOMALY. BANG! SCUM! The whole point of this is to debut HTM's new song, and holy shit is this awful. For one, the song is dog shit. But then you have HTM and his back up singers being not even close to being on time. And then Greg Valentine is pretending to play an acoustic guitar to do an electric guitar solo when A. it's not plugged in, and B. He clearly has never held a guitar. This might be worse than the Limp Bizkit performances at WM 18. Oh, Christ, the BUSHWHACKERS were at ringside pretending to be vendors, and then they storm the ring only to break the guitars.
Rick Rude vs Jimmy Snuka
Steve Allen joins for commentary. So, Snuka returned last year at WM 5 in a random "Hey, this guy is back" entrance before a match where the competitors were already in the ring. He really hasn't done much of note in the year since. Oh wow. Rude tries to attack before the bell. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!?! Instead, Jimmy sees it coming and attacks, then does multiple hip swivels. He's exceptionally pale tonight. This goes on for about 2 minutes before Rude wins completely clean and decisively with the Rude Awakening.
Ultimate Warrior vs Hulk Hogan WWF Championship
THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE. Warrior is the only guy to not use the cart to get to the ring, instead doing his traditional run despite the aisle being 3 times as long as a normal entrance. Jesse suggests that it was a bad call to waste that much energy in the biggest match of his life. Hogan also forgoes the cart, but walks instead of runs to the ring. The ovation for both men is massive. The last time WWF ran a face vs face super match like this was at Shea Stadium in 1972, which saw Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino go to a 75 minute curfew draw. 15 years is a long time to not have a match like this. There was no Backlund vs Bruno/Pedro match. Although now that I'm thinking about it, holy shit do I wish there was a Backlund/Bruno match. Preferably in Japan, but acceptable in MSG in the purple ring. I'm fascinated at how both of these dudes are white guys yet are are 8 shades darker than the only black guy on the card (Bad News Brown). This is truly a happening, Jess. And the match starts with Warrior immediately over powering Hulk, then Hulk coming right back to show they're equals. Fuck yo respect stand offs. Let these titans battle with strength, not stand offs. Warrior wins the test of strength! God damn, the reactions for fucking peaknuckle is incredible. The crowd reacts similarly when Hulk over powers Warrior, and then wills Warrior back to his feet. So there are all these spots of both guys doing the same thing to each other, but every time, Warrior's version is just a little more powerful, a little more impressive, and Hulk takes a little more damage. Hulk tweaks his knee getting knocked to the floor, and it seems like the match might be over. Warrior has no problem going right after it. These two top mega faces are now getting dirty, choking, raking eyes, and shoving the ref around. Hulk gets pissed and lays a beating on Warrior, just pounding the hell out of him. Never before has Warrior been in this kind of position. Warrior starts to HULK UP ON HULK HOGAN! And Hogan can't believe it. No one has ever done this to him, much like no one has ever beaten down Warrior. Ref bump! Both guys get a pin on each other while Earl is out, leading to a very tense kick out and Hogan trying to win with a shot to the throat and a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. But then Warrior hits his finish, which as you know only makes Hulk stronger. HE'S HULKING UP, DUDE. Oh shit he missed the leg drop. Splash. WARRIOR HAS DEFEATED HULK HOGAN! NEW CHAMPION! One of the last shots is a dejected Hulk Hogan leaving in the ring cart in the dark. Amazing.
Much like WM 17 was for the Attitude Era, this was the apex of the Golden Era. Really, none of the matches are that great (except the main event featuring the two biggest babyfaces in the company battling for the title), but it has all the stars of the era in a huge stadium with a crowd hot for everything. But Hogan/Warrior, now that's a god damn master piece. From the subtle ways of how they showed that they were ALMOST equals but Warrior was just slightly better, to both getting dirty, to Hogan being desperate enough to try to steal the win with a throat chop and roll up. Shit was really magical. A truly titanic battle. A true happening of an event.