WWE Wrestlemania 31


Aloe Blacc opens the show with America The Beautiful. LL Cool J then presses play. It's WRASSLEMANIA!

Daniel Bryan vs Luke Harper vs Dean Ambrose vs Wade Barrett vs Dolph Ziggler vs Stardust vs R-Truth Intercontinental Championship

Ladder Match

Fuck. Open the show with a 7 man ladder match after the pre-show had a 30 man battle royal and an 8 man tag match. So at this point, the first official match of the show, the crowd has already seen 45 talents.  You have Daniel Bryan come back from a neck/nerve issue and have him in a ladder match 2 months later? Whose bright fucking idea was that? Within about 2 minutes, there's a big dive sequence. There's a pretty neat spot where Barrett intentionally breaks a rung of the ladder so he can brandish it as a weapon. Other than that, it's your normal multiman ladder spot where everyone is just concerned about getting into position for the next contrived spot and bump. Unsurprisingly, Bryan mostly lays out of the match and lets everyone else take the big bumps. Smart enough considering his health, but why the fuck book him in a match like this to begin with? Speaking of big bumps, Ambrose gets MURDERED with a Harper powerbomb over the ropes on a bridged ladder. Basically landed head first. The match comes down to Bryan and Ziggler standing on top of a ladder repeatedly headbutting each other. How weird that this Bryan guy got put out of action due to brain injuries. Bryan's headbutts win out and he grabs the belt. New champion.

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins

An end to a months long feud no one really asked for. Orton goes for the RKO early, and I imagine he's probably going to go back to that often in this match. Lmao, Randy COMPLETELY no sells a buckle bomb. Immediatley hits a lariat and poses. Lol. He follows that with a stereo hanging DDT to the floor to J & J Security. And then Seth hits...a dive. For the heel to go on offense. Follow up a dive with a headlock, breh. Make up your mind how you're going to work. RKO OUTTA NOWHERE! And Seth kicked out. Because you definitely need finisher kick outs in the SECOND match on the card. And guess what? Orton kicked out of the curb stomp. Can you believe it? Seth goes for the curb stomp again, only for Orton to actually hit a RKO OUTTA NOWHERE for the win. That was pretty dope. The rest of the match was just getting your shit in, finisher kick outs for no reason, and then a cool finish. Like...there was zero reason for both to hit their finishers and kick out in a fairly short match this low on the card. You know the other big matches on the card are going to do that shit, so why not make your finishers actually matter in your match?

Sting vs Triple H

Sting FINALLY makes his Wrestlemania appearance. 14 years after the death of WCW. And he comes out to a kabuki band. The fuck? Since when is Stang Japanese. Don't worry, he looks just as confused as everyone else. Then HHH enters...WITH AN ARMY OF TERMINATORS. WITH A PERSONAL INTRO FROM ARNOLD. OMG THEY'RE FLYING! And then HHH raises decapitated heads of defeated T-800s. This is ABSURD. And WONDERFUL. This is really built as HHH destroying the last WCW solider, which is like Eisenhower inviting a lone Japanese solider to the White House to end WW2 in 1959.  

BIG FIGHT FEEL, dawgs. The biggest of big. STANG AT WRESTLEMANIA! Working an 80s NWA match to start. Shoulder blocks, headlocks, and hammer locks. DROPKICK OUTTA NOWHERE from Sting. You still got it, breh. Lol, even at Wrestlemania, Sting can't hit the Stinger splash on the guard rail. Sting gets the deathlock applied. HHH is gonna tap. IT'S DX! OUTTA NOWHERE! Start out slow and dive into the DEEP end of fuckery. I love it. It's 2015 and Sting is doing dives on DX. And then Sting kicks out of the pedigree. Should have no sold it like a piledriver, imo. As HHH goes to get the sledgehammer, THE NWO COMES OUT! HOLY SHIT! Fuckery levels set to stun, mother fuckers. It's Sting vs HHH. It's DX vs NWO. It's WWF vs WCW. IT'S WRASSLEMANIA! Lmao, Nash faking quad injuries, Hall taking back body drops on the floor. This shit is ridiculous in the best possible way. OH SHIT HBK SUPERKICK TO STING! OUTTA NOWHERE! And Sting still kicks out! LAWD. Omg, Razor slipped Sting the bat. Bat vs sledgehammer. Sting breaks the hammer in half. And then, in typical stupid Sting fashion, he drops the bat, only for HHH to hit Sting with broken hammer to win. Fuckery levels OFF THE CHARTS. 

TO THE MARIA. Maria speaks with Daniel Bryan, who gets put over by Pat Patterson, Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, AND Bret Hart. Jesus Christ could you imagine how furious people would be if Roman or Cena or whoever else is hated by the internet at the time in this segment instead of Bryan. Lmao, Flair randomly chops Steamboat. If you really want to put Bryan's size in perspective, 50+, retired, stroke victim Bret Hart is a full head taller and looks to have arms significantly larger. And Bret was always known as a "small" guy in his era. The segment ends with Ron Simmons throwing out a DAMN and all the legends doing a YES chant with Bryan. Shit is the most pandering bullshit I've ever seen lol.

Please welcome Skylar Grey, Travis Barker, and Kid Ink. It's not WM without a shitty music performance no one asked for. 

Bella Twins vs Paige/AJ Lee

Strong vibes of a women's triple threat having to follow Hulk/Rock at WM 18. Especially at this point when people were still pretending the Bellas were horrible and AJ/Pagie were great. Lol, AJ gets knocked off the apron and just chills out on the floor dead for several moments. And as soon as she gets up, she gets put down again, so she's going to spend the majority of the match taking a nap on the floor. Oh shit, Bellas doing Arn/Tully spots. Things kind of fall apart when AJ finally gets involved in the match. And then she makes Nikki tap to the Black Widow. Despite doing all of nothing in the match. 

The HOF class of 2015 is here to soak in one last pop.

John Cena vs Rusev WWE US Championship

HOLY SHIT, Rusev is accompanied by the Russian military and rides in on a FUCKING TANK. Meanwhile, John Cena comes in with the most American entrance video you could ever imagine, with clips from nearly every president from FDR to Obama, heavy on the Reagan. Cena begins the match with the most American of moves: A lariat. Cena gets absolutely dominated for the first few minutes of the match. The crowd is more than split even when Cena is defending America. All these fucking America hating foreigners in the crowd. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BREHS. "...the one thing I've been looking forward to in particular is lovin' leavin' it." Bret pls. Luckily, there is one thing that will always get smarks on your side: MOVEZ. That's why you have Cena doing jumping tornado DDTs and springboard stunners. Embrace your inner PWG, mayne. Of course, Cena powers out of the camel clutch to hit a single FU for the win. New champion. The one FU is very notable, because I don't think Cena would ever have another match after this that ended with one FU.

TO THE PANEL. It's been a big night, so let's slow things down to give a bunch of down time and cover the pre-show matches.

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon come out to brag about the attendance record set today: 76, 976. Then they start bragging about themselves. And then, THE ROCK. OUTTA NOWHERE. Get a tighter shirt, dawg. HHH's dismissive faces are so lol. Rock is looking old as shit, though. He looked younger at next year's WM. Rock talks some mad shit, saying HHH left his balls in Stamford. This was one of multiple segments that seemed to be teasing a Rock/HHH WM match that never happened. Steph talks even more mad shit. Rock makes dick jokes, so Steph slaps him in the People's Mouth. And then Rock brings RONDA ROUSEY to the ring. Ronda is so fucking over, which is hilarious because not even 2 years later, she's basically a joke. Amazing how quickly one can lose their aura in combat sports. OH SHIT, this is STEPH'S RING. "Why don't you get the hell out of my ring." Omg. Ronda cutting promos at WM. WHAT A MOMENT. "Any ring I step into is mine." "That look, Steph, means, if you keep running your mouth, she's going to reach down your throat and pull your insides out and play jump rope with your Fallopian tubes." Rock lays the smackdown on HHH's candy ass, followed by Ronda scoring an ippon on him, and then putting Steph in a courting hold. You may think this 25 minute promo segment that would lead to absolultely nothing after this show was pointless and a waste of time. But you'd be wrong, because it was enterrtaining as fuck.

Bray Wyatt vs Undertaker

Let me tell you this: Both Bray's and Undertaker's entrances look goofy as shit in broad daylight. Fucking assholes dressed up like scarecrows in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY. GTFO. Taker should have never grown his hair back out after shaving it and having the little mohawk. His hairline goes to like the middle of his skull, plus the big bald spot in the back as soon as he starts sweating. It makes him look even older for no reason. So, a year before, Taker's WM streak was finally ended by Brock Lesnar. This is his first match since. He's got a gigantic knee brace that his pants are definitely not hiding. No one knows if he can still go, if he'd still even come back, but Bray, the closest thing to a "new Undertaker" character finally goads him into returning at WM...but who gives a shit now? Taker with a loss on his WM record just makes this any other match. Beating him means what? You aren't breaking the streak. Him beating someone means what? He's not adding to the streak. It's just a random match. And Taker is like legitimately 20+ years older than Bray here. So if Taker wins, he beats a guy 20+ years younger than him. If Taker loses, Bray beat a dude 20+ years older than him who has nothing going for him at WM anymore. Lose-lose. What you got was the most basic of basic post-2004 Taker matches imaginable, with the only notable spot being Taker doing the sit up while Bray was doing the spider walk. But don't worry, both kick out of finishers halfway through the match. A second tombstone puts Bray away, so....congrats on beating a guy who can't beat someone 20+ years older than him.

Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar WWE Championship

#bigfightfeel. Roman tries to attack Brock and immediately gets thrown. F5! In the opening scrum, Brock got busted open under his eye. And then Brock just beats the living shit out of Roman. Suplexes, punches, knees, kicks. Just smashing this dude. But Roman keeps getting up. And then Roman tries to stiff Brock and gets laid the fuck out for it. Getting beaten for that smark cred. You ever seen a breh hit a snap suplex with so much velocity it sends a dude out of the ring? You have now. Brock's gloves come off, so this is now a SHOOT. Those are the rules, dudes. Brock slaps the piss out of Roman, and Roman is now laughing at this ass beating. Dat Samoan pride. We're up to 10 suplexes at this point. 3 F5s. And Roman won't stay down. And then he throws Brock into the ring post, which immediately busts Brock open. Even concussed and bleeding, it takes 3 superman punches to knock Brock down. Spear! Brock almost immediately gets up. Spear! Brock kicks out! This mother fucker. Oh shit, another superman punch is countered with a F5. OH SHIT, Seth Rollins is cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase! Curb stomp to Brock! Another...OH SHIT F5! OH SHIT spear! Curb stomp to Reigns. Seth Rollins is the new WWE Champion! 

Fuckery overload, brehs. Between Sting/HHH and the last few mins of Roman/Brock, shit was next level. What had a generally really shitty build ended up being a fun show. Sting/HHH was GLORIOUS. HHH/Steph/Rock/Ronda promo was very entertaining. Roman/Brock was stiff as fuck with a surprise ending. I love the idea that Brock is so OP as a boss level character that you have to charge up all your special moves and hit them in succession just to knock him down. 

The other matches were good enough, at least. Not enough to detract, at least. Not an all time great show, but in the top half for sure.