WWF Wrestlemania 5

The Mega Powers....EXPLODE! HERE, at WRESTLEMANIA 5! 

WWF Women's Champion Rockin' Robin sings America  The Beautiful. Singing is not her strongest talent.  

King Haku vs Hercules

Haku starts with a Peal Harbor job. Herc the jerk caught off guard. He easily recovers and bounces Haku all around until Brain causes a distraction. "You know how frustrated he is, Jess? Ya know, being traded like a slave by Bobby The Brain Heenan without even being consulted." Well, let's ease up with that analogy, Gorilla. Haku works the lower back, and it seems ill-advised to be doing bearhugs to a guy like Hercules, but then I've seen people work bear hugs against Andre. A light BORING chant breaks out. Herc got caught out of the air with a superkick, which seemed like a finish to me, but Herc wins shortly after with a bridging belly to back suplex.

TO THE MEAN GEAN. The Rockers making their WM debut. Shout out to seeing the outline of HBK's dick head. 

Twin Towers vs Rockers

The classic speed vs size match. From even before the bell, the Rockers have the Towers chasing them around ringside and wasting energy. HBK and Boss Man officially begin, and that little shit Shawn is frustrating the big men like a gnat. All these quick tags and shit, and then the Towers finally get a hold of Marty and literally squash him. Repeatedly. Then he makes the hot tag, the Rockers finally knock Akeem down, and Akeem fucking BLASTS Shawn's head off with a lariat. Donald Trump popped. Oh shit, flying rana into powerbomb counter in 1989 WWF. The size difference was just too much for the Rockers to overcome, but a very good showing from them, and a fun match.

TO THE TONY. Tony Schiavone is in the back with Ted DiBiase and Virgil. Where are your slave comments now, Gene? Ted has home court advantage at Trump Plaza, and he ain't letting no piece of shit like Brutus Beefcake ruin his grooming habits.

Ted DiBiase vs Brutus Beefcake

Beefcake opens with a cheap shot. Piece of shit. What a bummer this has to be for Ted. Going from main eventing WM 4 for the title to 3rd on the card against Beefcake the next year. A Bundy-esque fall from grace. A dull ass match that Ted's bumping couldn't save. Both were counted out while brawling on the floor.    

TO THE BRUNCH. Lord Al was at the brunch with the Bushwhackers earlier this morning. 

Fabulous Rougeau Brothers vs Bushwhackers

Mr. Perfect vs Blue Blazer

Lol at Perfect almost falling during his entrance. Blue Blazer's theme goes HARD. Have fun with your 5 minute workrate match, nerds. Owen actually dominated the match until Perfect got his knees up on a superfly splash. Owen had a pretty good showing, but went down to the Perfect Plex.

Jesse Ventura gets his now yearly spot on the show to pose and get cheered.

YESTERDAY MORNING. A nice 5K on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Which Mr. Fuji enters last second. In his tux.

RUN DMC are in the ring for the WRESTLEMANIA RAP! Lol at just showing crowd shots of black audience members during this. Right after it ends, Gorllia has this to say. "A little bit of that goes a long way with me, I'll tell you that." I see you, Gino. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Demolition! They're gonna....crush the Powers of Pain. 

Powers of Pain/Mr. Fuji vs Demolition WWF Tag Team Championships

Fuji getting a title match at Wrestlemania. Disgusting. On the other hand, HOSSES. "There aren't too many evil spirits he has to chase around here, Jess." "You're one." "Well, maybe." Powers of Pain, GOAT muscle bodies in wrestling. The fuck, Warlord gets repeated beat downs. This is weird. POP are getting the shit kicked out of them. Oh my god, Fuji gets more offense on Ax than Warlord. Who the fuck booked this? I got a BIG BOOT out of it, but what a weird lay out to this match. Fuji accidentally salts Warlord and gets hit with the Decapitation Elbow. Titles retained. Boy, the POP did not come out of this looking good at all.

TO THE TONY. Tony tried to catch up with Macho Man earlier, and it seems like he's finally going to get his chance now. Macho is throwing a shit fit and knocks down the camera man flying out of the locker room.

Dino Bravo vs Ron Garvin

These fucking Canadians. All over the place. Before the match, Fink announces Jimmy Snuka, who comes to the ring, poses, and leaves. The fuck? How random. These guys were in the ring waiting to begin, and they bring out a dude who is way more over than both to wave at the crowd and leave? They have a boring match that Dino won with the sidewalk slam thankfully pretty quickly. Ron KOs Frenchy Martin after the match.

Brainbusters vs Strike Force

What a wonderful world. Martel and Tito both get their submissions early on. The action is pretty fast and back and forth until Tito accidentally hits Martel with the flying jalapeno. When it comes time for the hot tag, Martel walks out on Tito. Tito fights valiantly, but the numbers game was too much for him. Breh got hit with the spinebuster and spike piledriver.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Rick Martel explains his actions. He's sick and tired of carrying Tito around. His shit talk is positively GSP-esque, Joe.

TO THE PIPER'S PIT. Morton Downey Jr. and Roddy Piper. Two giant cunts. Piper gets a big intro only for Brother Love to come out to impersonate Piper. This goes on for what feels like 10 minutes, then Morton comes out. Piper makes a bunch of gay and fat jokes towards Brother Love before ripping his kilt off. Then he turns to Morton and fuck this whole segment. Just a big build up to Piper blasting Downey with a fire extinguisher. Fuck Roddy Piper. Fuck Morton Downey Jr. Fuck Brother Love. What an absurdly long segment.


TO THE MOON. Sean speaks with Donald Trump at ringside.

Jesse Ventura gets HOT at Hulk Hogan breaking into Hollywood. That's his domain, damn it, but he can see why, because Hogan is gonna be jobless after Macho beats his ass. Jesse storms off set. Gorilla laughs at him. Jesse comes back because he's a professional.

TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. After a recap of the Mega Powers saga, Gene speaks with the challenger, dude. Lmao, he says that the Mania was always a little bit ahead of the Madness, but that doesn't matter. HOGAN is the one that feels betrayed. You shitting me, brother? Macho just couldn't be the man the Hulkamaniacs wanted him to be. "But just like Donald Trump, Macho Man, I hope you're ready, brother, because Donald Trump has questions in his own mind. He's sent a whole team of sizematolshishes out here to check the foundations of the Trump Towers because when the Mega Powers explode off the launching pad, brother, as we erupt over the whole Atlantic City, he was worried about the foundation. He was worried that the thousands of people in the arenas might become unseated and swallowed up by the earth. Donald Trump, don't worry about my Hulkamaniacs. They're survivors. They're ready. But YOU, Macho Man, I don't care where you stand, I don't care what you believe in, all I want from you is your best. I want you to be ready. I want the Macho Madness to be at its peak. BECAUSE, when Hulkamania rules, when Hulkamania lives forever, when Hulkamania puts you down on your knees, I want the whole world to realize I beat you at your best, and at the end of Wrestlemania 5, I will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. AND WHATCHA GONNA DO, Macho Man, when the whole world full of Hulkamaniacs destroy you?!?!?!

Andre The Giant vs Jake Roberts

Special Referee: Big John Studd

Interestingly, Big John Studd comes out to an early version of Jim Duggan's theme, slightly slowed down and with a guitar riff instead of synth riff. Anyway, he's a shitty ref, as he doesn't notice Andre using an exposed turnbuckle at the very start of the match. So the next 10 minutes are basically Andre choking Jake and Jake throwing punches once in a while. Jake goes for the snek, only for Ted DiBiase to blindside him OUTTA NOWHERE and steal the snake. Andre for some reason is now choking John Studd. Jake recovers Damian and slides him into the ring, at which point Andre very slowly runs away.  

TO THE TONY. Tony speaks with Sensational Sherri, who shits all over Rockin' Robin. She also has some nasty words for Liz

Rhythm and Blues vs Hart Foundation

I ain't about to watch a HTM match 2 and a half hours into this show, even if Bret Hart is involved. Obviously Bret is FIP and KOs HTM with the megaphone.

Rick Rude vs Ultimate Warrior WWF Intercontinental Championship

Lol at Rude trying to knee Warrior in the gut while Warrior still had the belt on. Warrior throws Rude all around the ring, and then Rude hits a missile dropkick to the JAW OUTTA NOWHERE. Warrior kicked out before 1. Much of the match is Rude getting smashed, getting one big move, and Warrior almost immediately recovering to continue to fuck Rude's back up. A piledriver changes Rude's fortunes, but his back is so sore he can't even swivel them hips. Lmao when Warrior falls trying to pick Rude up for a second back breaker. As Warrior tries to suplex Rude back into the ring, Brain grabs Warrior's leg and holds it down. RICK RUDE HAS DEFEATED THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! New champion! Warrior gave him the gorilla press slam after the match. Rude went to the back as soon as he won the title, leaving Brain to get dumped.

Bad News Brown vs Jim Duggan

TO THE MEAN GENE. The Red Rooster! Rooster has a match with Bobby Heenan, who is probably still dead. Also, Brain is a manager. 

Bobby Heenan vs Red Rooster

Ol' Terry wins in 30 seconds. But don't fret, this was just a set up for a Red Rooster/Brooklyn Brawler feud. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Elizabeth is with Gene, giving her thoughts and feelings on the Mega Powers EXPLODING. She'll be in a neutral corner and will support both men. Jesus, Liz was a terrible, terrible promo.

Randy Savage vs Hulk Hogan WWF Championship

The Mega Powers EXPLODE!!! Why is Macho coming out first? Disgusting hot dogging from Hulk Hogan. Macho spends the opening minutes trying to frustrate Hulk and make him expend energy. Hulk actually appeals to Donald Trump to get Macho to wrestle. Lol. Hulk's got his workrate boots on, as you can tell by his spinning drop toe hold. A good portion of the middle of the match is dedicated to Macho working the HAIR of Hulk Hogan. Both have a lot of pep in their steps, but the story is weird. Macho controlling the match with hair pulls, headlocks, and Irish whips. Hulk's eye gets busted open, Liz refuses to pick a side, and then the last third of the match is focused on throat work from Macho. Of course, Hulk goes from selling the elbow drop like it crushed his traechea to kicking out at 1 and HULKING UP. A big boot and a leg drop later, Hulk Hogan is a 3 time champion.    

Not the greatest of shows, but certainly a massive improvement over the torturous WM 4. And this is actually a longer show than WM4. Jake/Warrior, Owen/Perfect, Rockers/Twin Towers are all fun, Macho/Hogan was weird but generally entertaining, the horrible guys were kept in very short matches, Arn hit a WM spinebuster. Not a bad show overall. But fuck Piper's Pit.