WWE Wrestlemania 33

This set is OUTSTANDING. It's only going to look better as it gets darker. There's a god damn ring on top of the ring! There's a roller coaster on the set! The ramp is 80 yards long! 


Austin Aries vs Neville WWE Cruiserweight Championship

The first time the cruiserweight Championship has been defended at WM since 2004. I am bothered that AUSTIN FUCKING ARIES is getting a WM match in 2017, even if it is on the pre-show. Of all the great cruiserweights WWE has, 40 year old Austin Aries is the one getting a title match. Unlike the pre-shows of the past couple of years, the crowd is mostly full, so it feels like it's actually WM. Aries somehow manages to spike Neville on his head doing a headlock takeover. Don't worry, Neville will get his revenge. Aries controls the opening minutes of the match until Neville hicks him out of his dive, and then goes on an extended offensive sequence. Somehow, he doesn't break his god damn tailbone getting thrown to the floor. Christ. Neville gets his revenge by dumping Aries DIRECTLY on his head with a German suplex. I mean literally on his head. As Aries hit a flurry and was about to win with the Last Chancery, Neville gouged his reconstructed eye socket. He follows that by kicking the rope in Austin's eye and hitting a brutal Red Arrow that saw his knees just drill Aries in the gut. Title retained. I've been a pretty vocal hater of Austin Aries for years, but this was easily the best thing he's been involved in in a decade. How much of it was because of him is up for debate. All hail King Neville.


Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

No weird surprises this year like Tatanka, DDP, or Shaq. The biggest random guy in there was the Chinese talent they signed some time ago, Bin Wang. Otherwise it's just the dudes who couldn't get a real match. Shout out to Goldust wearing WM 12 era gear. Big Show and Braun Strowman (the CLEAR favorite to win) have a staredown and are both quickly eliminated. This comes down to Mojo, JINDER MAHAL, and NXT star Killian Dane, who eliminated Sami. Because Sami is such a loser he can't even get eliminated by a main roster guy. Lol. Well, as it turns out, Mojo's BFF Rob Gronkowski is at ringside. Jinder finds him and throws a drink at him, so Gronk jumps the guardrail. A security guard attack runs after him and tries to shove him back over the railing because she didn't know he was part of the show. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. A host of refs have to pull her off. Looooooool. What an incredible Wrestlemania moment. Of course, once refs pull the security guard off, Gronk hits the ring and tackles Jinder. Mojo wins! HE HYPE!


Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin WWE Intercontinental Championship

God damn, what a fall from grace. From WWE Champion, winner of the Shield triple threat, to WM pre-show in 8 months. Couldn't happen to a shittier talent. Things start out looking like they might have a solid match, and then it completely falls to shit as Dean starts looking like he's TRYING to have a bad match. Not that he has to try, but this looks like a "fuck it" type of performance. Think HBK/Hogan but intentionally sloppy looking instead of goofy over selling. Although that's not to say his selling isn't goofy, but in a bad way instead of funny. Spot of the match is most definitely Baron booting Dean out of his stupid wacky line. And then Dean wins completely clean with the Dirty Deeds after having next to no offense in the match. Title retained. Dean proving that he's pre-show worthy for sure.


The New Day come to the ring to officially open WM. They're dressed as Final Fantasy characters. As if you needed more reasons to be embarrassed that you're watching wrestling.


AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon

Curious to start with the hottest SD match. Also curious that this is a straight match, with nearly 50 year old Shane against the best wrestler in the world. The wind is making it look like AJ is in a shampoo commercial. AJ of course dominates the opening moments, and then Shane surprises him with amateur takedowns and arm drags. Dude out here thinking he's Ricky Steamboat. Then the striking come, and as Otunga says, "You don't want to throw hands with Shane McMahon". That Kru Nurse training, uce. Then, Shane goes full UWF. Rear naked chokes, rolling cross arm breakers, OMOPLATAS. This mother fucker. AND THEN: a 450 countered with a TRIANGLE. Lmao. NOT ONLY THAT, this leads directly into them doing a Suzuki/AJ spot. Yes, Shane McMahon is doing the same spots with AJ Styles at WM that AJ did with Minoru Suzuki in the G1. We're also at a point in time where Shane McMahon is kicking out of the Styles Clash and getting stick in the calf crusher for a minute without tapping. In 2017. The ref gets kicked in the head, so AJ is the one to bring out the gimmicks, attempting a Van Terminator only to get blasted with a trash can. Shane hits probably the best one he's ever hit, but AJ kicks out. Shane misses the leap of faith AND a SSP (probably destroying his knees in the process), and AJ wins with the Phenomenal Forearm. Man, what a shockingly good match. Much, much better than it had any right to be.  


Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho WWE US Championship

This angle really carried Raw for like 6 months, so you'd hope that it can do something special. I mean, it made Chris Jericho enjoyable again, man. It starts out heated but then you remember that as over as Jericho has been again lately, he's still in his mid 40s and slow as shit. So enjoy the extended chinlocks. In this heated blood feud. Enjoy your slow motion spots. Enjoy this feeling like any random 15 minute mid show Raw match instead of this super personal issue. The highlight of the match was KO getting a rope break with one finger. That says it all, really. One apron powerbomb later, KO is the new US Champion. Dull as hell.


Sasha Banks vs Charlotte vs Bayley vs Nia Jax WWE Women's Championship

I guess it says a lot about #DivasRevolution when there are two title matches, but both are multi-lady matches thrown together last minute. Charlotte does Ric's entrance from WM 24, which was held at the same stadium. That was pretty cool, but it makes me wonder why the entrances were completely backwards. This starts with 3 of the Horsewomen putting their personal issues aside to try to go after Nia Jax. And it doesn't work at all. Nia looks like a fucking MONSTER and it's awesome. There's a BRUTAL double backdrop/big boot triple team that looked like it killed Nia, but she kicked out and went right back to destroying this broads. It takes a SHIELD TRIPLE BOMB and triple pin to eliminate her. I wish that had been the whole match, because it was dope as hell. You would have thought Bayley and Sasha would continue to team up to eliminate Charlotte, but Charlotte gets them to fight almost immediately, because they're dumb. Charlotte is just running this shit. Totally on a different level. Sasha is abruptly eliminated after getting sent into an exposed turnbuckle. Bayley and Charlotte only go a few minutes before Bayley wins with...the Macho elbow drop. A mid match signature that she's never won a match with. Weird. Title retained. Started off hot and then felt extremely rushed after Nia was eliminated, but still pretty fun. 


The Hall of Fame class of 2017 come out for one last pop.

TO THE BACK. Seth Rollins gets his knee wrapped. 


Sheamus/Cesaro vs The Club vs Enzo/Cass WWE Tag Team Championships Ladder Match

Before the match, the New Day come out in their ring gear. As hosts, they're announcing that there is a 4th team being added to the match. Who? WHO? WHO? It's THE HARDY BOYS! WONDERFUL! DELIGHTFUL! "Things are about to be broken! Team Xtreme is back!" DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! Man, what a reaction. What's really crazy is that the Hardys did a ladder match the night before in ROH against another Bullet Club team, the Bucks of Youth. They're also in their 40s, so you'll have to excuse them for seeming a bit beat up. Cesaro gets lucky not to break his ankle getting trapped in the ladder, and I think most of us (at least me) are waiting to see how Enzo dies in this. It comes from getting hit with a Cesaro uppercut after being thrown off a ladder. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Da Club are complete non factors in this. This is basically just a "let's do something while the Hardys rest up for their next spot". One of which is a twist of fate from a ladder that made Matt look like he wanted to die, and Jeff redoing the WM 17 dive on Rhyno/Spike but with Cesaro/Sheamus on ladders instead of tables. And Cesaro took all of the bump. Lol. Matt Hardy grabs the titles. THe OBSOLETE title reign of The Club has been DELETED. 


The Miz/Maryse vs John Cena/Nikki Bella

Al Roker is the special ring announcer, and Jerry Lawler returns to call the match itself. For some reason, Cena and Nikki make separate entrances, which kind of proves Miz's point that they aren't a real couple like he and Maryse. Cena makes his run down the entire ramp and spends the next 2-3 minutes catching his breath. Lol. But what's really great about this is that at ultra smarky WM, the crowd is 100% on Miz's side. They're literally chanting MIZ IS AWESOME and unironically doing YES chants. For Miz. At Wrestlemania. This is basically a 9 minute match where Miz dominates Cena for 8 minutes, the women tag in and Nikki destroys Maryse, followed by a double STF tap out for the Cenas. After the match, Cena talks about the time Nikki was loopy under sedation and John could ask her anything he wanted and she wouldn't know what he said. And as the story goes on, it turns out he had told her he was going to marry her one day. And today is that day. So, basically, John Cena proposal raped Nikki and told the whole world. ELIZABIT, WILL YOU MARRY MEEEEEEE????


Seth Rollins vs Triple H

Lmao, after doing an entrance as Shao Khan, a Terminator, and a totalitarian dictator in a cenobite dystopian future, HHH comes out this year as a biker with a police escort. On an adult tricycle. With Steph riding bitch. It's this moment when you realize he's been growing out his beard for months for this one specific shot of him on the bike in his gear with a leather vest on looking bad ass. His logo is the headlight. Lmao. Meanwhile, Seth comes out looking like fucking Goldar, with a torch that sets the whole ramp and ringside on fire. Because he's the king slayer and he's gonna BURN DOWN THE KINGDOM. GET IT? Fuck Seth Rollins. Admittedly, the flame thing was kind of cool, but he looks fucking ridiculous, and why on earth with the production team agree to put this kind of symbolic shit on the biggest stage against their boss?

Seth starts off beating HHH's ass, so at least it's better than how KO/Jericho started. And then HHH starts the leg work. After a DDT on a table. Straight up destroying Seth's leg. So of course, once Seth goes on offense, he climbs to the top rope. And then fucks his leg the same why he did against Kane. Then tries a buckle bomb , but his knee buckles. HHH does more damage to the leg and Seth...hits a buckle bomb. And a dive off the ring post. And a frog splash. This piece of shit literally couldn't stand a few mins ago. Going from not being able to stand or lift someone to deadlifting that someone, doing a dive, and doing a frog splash isn't okay and logical just because you grab your knee for a second afterwards. That's not how that shit works, you twat. After getting hit with the PILLMANIZER, Seth does the superplex > falcon arrow spot. This guy is so great. So glad all that leg work and the 2 months of build up being centered around leg work has done absolutely nothing to stop Seth from doing all of his moves that require a healthy leg. Man, FUCK Seth Rollins. This dude is ruining spots by staring up at the screens to make sure Steph was behind him to grab the hammer. This mother fucker. And Steph really takes a table bump for this piece of shit. Seth kicks out of the pedigree, wins via pedigree, and Steph takes a table bump. And people will still complain about Roman's push.


GIMME THE GREENLIGHT, CUZ I'M READY TO GO


Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt WWE Championship

Jesus Christ, they're really following a 25 minute garbage match and concert with Bray/Orton? Lmao. The death hour is upon us. At least Bray's entrance looks amazing with 75K phones lit up at night. Why they didn't have a helicopter shot of it is beyond me, though.  And why he came out first is beyond me as well. About a minute in, Bray does his corner thingy, and the ring has maggots projected on it. The fuck? He does it again, but this time with worms. And then again with flies. And then Orton hits the RKO in what is probably the worst WWE Championship match at WM in history. What the fuck. A straight up SD TV main event that went barely 10 minutes and would otherwise be completely unremarkable in every way without the bizarre mat projections that don't even make sense. Either Bray has actual super powers or he made a deal with the production team. (TM Young Hamtaro). New champion. What a terrible hour this has been.


Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg WWE Universal Championship

Fans pretty much turned on Goldberg after he beat KO in 30 seconds at Fastlane, and everyone knows he's leaving after WM, so there's a good chance this ends up like WM 20. Goldberg's entrance is damn near silent. It's fucking bizarre. They do boo when he gets announced, though. Fuck Paul Heyman for stealing Bruce Buffer's intros. You fat fuck. He's got to be 300lbs+ right now. Christ, take care of yourself, Paul. Positively Hitchcockian. Eat a salad once in while, you putz. Brock starts by immediately hitting 3 German suplexes. Goldberg pops up and hits a spear. FUCK YES. Fucking bombs. Another spear! Spear through the barricade! Another spear in the ring! BROCK LESNAR KICKED OUT OF THE JACKHAMMER. Brock fucking LEAPFROGS a spear. Goldberg hits the turnbuckles. Brock hits 7 German suplexes and a F5. New champion! Man, that was rad as fuck. Absolutely perfect. Under 5 minutes, nothing but bombs, Goldberg doing a clean job in the center of the ring. The crowd that had completely died after HHH/Seth > concert > Randy/Bray is back hotter than ever. 



Alexa Bliss vs Becky Lynch vs Carmella vs Mickie James vs Naomi vs Natayla WWE Smackdown Women's CHampionship

We're really only here for Naomi's entrance. This shit was thrown together last second, was almost on the pre-show, and now is between Brock/Goldberg and Taker/Roman. Let's not pretend this is something anyone is supposed to take seriously. I can't get over the noises Becky is making. "WHIPBOOM. WHIPBOOM." Becky did basically all the work in this 5 minute match featuring 6 women, and Naomi makes Bliss tap out. New champion.


New Day come out one more time to announce the new attendance record.


The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns

JR returns to call this match, and for some reason, Cole reminds him that his wife just died. "It's been a rough couple of weeks for you, JR." No shit. What a dick. If you were wondering how they'd get around it not taking 20 minutes for Taker to make it down this ramp, they had him rise from underneath it about halfway down. It still took him 5 minutes. And boy does he look like shit. Dude is clearly wearing a girdle, looks tired before the match even starts. Taker throws Roman out and says it's still his yard. Then again. For some reason, JR sounds like he's doing commentary from Miami. Shit sounds like 2K commentary. As soon as Taker has to start taking bumps, the match goes to shit. Literally after 2 bumps, Taker is gasping for air and can't even fall out of the ring the right way. At this point the crowd has been out there for 7 hours so it's pretty hard to be hot for anything. Roman has bumped on the floor, the ring, the apron, and a table, and it ain't helping shit. This isn't good. Roman fucks himself up spearing Taker from one table to the next, basically spiking himself headfirst on the landing. After a long rest, they get back into the ring and they do the Last Ride set up the way you'd do with Big Show or Mark Henry, and Taker still can't lift Roman up. Shit is sad. Roman was literally standing above his shoulders to start the move and Taker couldn't hit it. Taker is just beyond washed. Almost fell over doing the tombstone. And then he puts his dick directly on Roman's face. Lol at acting shocked at the tombstone kick out. It took multiple tombstones to beat fucking Bray Wyatt in the middle of the show. It's been like...10 years since one tombstone ended a match at WM. There's a TERRIBLE spot where they try the tombstone reversal thing, but it just doesn't work at all and fans start booing. Who the fuck decided to put a 53 year old who needs hip surgery and can't even do cardio in a 20+ minute match? Taker can't even put Hell's Gate on right anymore. Roman starts beating Taker with a chair, hits a bunch of spears, Taker won't stay down. They try to get their bullshit Taker/HBK HBK/Flair "stay down" moment and I'm supposed to buy it as this emotional thing when these two have no history together and this whole match is about who is the alpha. Get the fuck out of here. Roman hits a super duper spear to finally put Taker down. May he retire in Pensacola.

After the match, Taker gets 10 minutes to slowly take off his jacket, gloves, and hat and slowly walk away. All of this feels like bullshit since they did this same thing with HBK at WM 26, and with John Cena at Summerslam. We all know Taker stayed around years too long, and he went out embarrassing himself in front of 75K people at the end of a 7 hour show. It's not some heartfelt moment. It's something that was long overdue and feels like a relief. 


Let's maybe cut out these 7 hour shows from now on. Even been long as fuck, and with 4 of the main 5 attractions being shitty, it was still an overall fun show. Definitely needed to be half as long and the match order jiggered around, but what can you do. Match of the night was, shockingly, AJ vs Shane. No idea how that turned out as good as it did even with AJ in it. Seth/HHH was DOGSHIT. Jesus Christ is Seth Rollins is horrible at pro wrestling. He literally got all of his shit in and some extra things despite the whole build being about his bad leg and HHH utterly destroying it throughout the match. Didn't hamper him a bit. Hardys coming back was a great surprise, but I fear that they're no longer BROKEN, and I definitely have no interest in straight ass Hardy Boyz in 2017 otherwise. Goldberg/Brock was perfect. 

I don't like the forced emotional shit with Taker, like we're all going to agree to forget he was involved with most of the worst WWE angles over the past 30 years, in some of the worst WWE matches in the past 30 years, and really only had about 2 years where he was involved in consistently good shit before becoming a guy who puts in the effort one night a year to eventually a guy who works one night a year period. This is a guy who they've been trying to tell you is the greatest WWE Superstar of all time since 1997. I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now. I'm happy to see him go because he wore out his welcome YEARS ago. His retirement isn't like HBK or even Ric Flair. It's like finally getting a surgery you've been putting off for years.

WWE Wrestlemania 32

Let's get this out of the way: There were already 2 hours of broadcast before this show officially started. It's a five hour show. PLUS the two hours of pre-show. What the fuck.


Dolph Ziggler vs Miz vs Zack Ryder vs Sami Zayn vs Stardust vs Sin Cara vs Kevin Owens WWE Intercontinential Championship Ladder Match

Dog Ziggler officially kicking off the show is a bad omen. Miz looks amazing in his Remember The Time inspired gear. God damn, this stage is ridiculously huge. They could fit in another 10-15K if they made it even 30% smaller. Stardust has a dope Dusty inspired gear. Kevin Owens gets a GIANT pop. His entrance gets cut away to introduce the UN of international broadcast teams, with more countries than ever covering the show. Sami and KO almost immediately do their punching thing, which I'm already tired of seeing considering they've done it about ten times on TV now. The first big ladder spot has Miz climbing an unopened ladder so someone can push it over. What the fuck? That looked so stupid. He also probably got a concussion from it. It'd be understandable if he got the concussion first. Sami does his "dive through things even though it makes no sense and adds nothing to the impact of the move" thing he does. I don't understand it. I never have. Why is doing a tope by jumping through an open ladder any cooler? Or the tornado DDT through the bottom/middle rope? I have no answers. I can tell you that Sin Cara completely eats shit on a springboard, even with four dudes out there to catch him. I've just noticed Dolph's hair, which looks like a dude who took out his dreads for the first time in five years, but forgot a couple. And Jesus Christ, the amount of superkicks in this is ridiculous. There was even a DOUBLE SUPERKICK spot where both dudes clearly completely whiffed but sold it anyway. Stardust brings out a Dusty Rhodes ladder. The reaction for Dusty makes him start to tear up. Then he does the worst version of the Terry Funk ladder spin you've ever seen. This is a typical stupid ladder match with guys opting to do crazy spots when they could easily grab the belt. The highlight probably being Ryder hitting an elBRO drop from the top of one of the giant ladders, or KO trying to end the careers of Stardust and Sin Cara at the same time. What the fuck are these guys thinking? All the spots are from the giant ladders, not normal sized ones. Sami MURDERS KO with a half and half suplex into a ladder. Jesus fuck that was gross. And then...ZACK RYDER WINS. ZACK RYDER. LOL what the fuck? Ryder wasn't even supposed to be in this match until Neville got hurt. I think he's been on Raw six times in two years. And here he is winning the IC hampionship at Wrestlemania. It was unexpected, I'll give you that. I mean, good for him. This is like a personal apology from Vince for the whole Cena/Kane/Eve angle. His (very jacked) dad hit the ring to celebrate with him. Good for them. From a booking standpoint, it's obvious he's going to have a short reign that goes nowhere, and it just hurt the KO/Sami story, which has already not been done very well on the main roster. Whatever. Zack got his WM moment after "a decade of futility in WWE". What a line.


AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho

AJ being on WK and WM in the same year is pretty neat. Too bad his WM match is against a guy he's already had three matches against, none of which were good, and in fact have made AJ look bad by having to slow down for Jericho. SHOUT OUT TO FRASIER. Jericho looks so ridiculous. His hair is so bad. How does this dude have a cowlick below his crown? AJ has new gear, which looks much higher quality than the gear he had been wearing. Oh wow, there are literally times where Jericho is running full speed and AJ is just taking big steps so as to not be in place before Jericho is there to hit a spot. I can't believe that for the fourth time now, Jericho is trying to work junior style when he's very clearly proven he can't do it anymore.  Why he isn't wrestling like a heavyweight or more methodical style of his 2008 run is beyond me. It seems like he really wants to prove he can still do it, but it not only isn't working, it is also making AJ look bad. Again. What started with a story that seemed to be "AJ is a younger, faster, better Jericho" ,(and then moved to "Jericho works the neck") has devolved into finisher spam and kick outs. AJ has escaped from the Walls of Jericho three times, and kicked out of a codebreaker. Jericho has kicked out of the Styles Clash, the springboard 450, and escaped from the calf crusher. And then Jericho wins by countering the flying forearm with the codebreaker. With a delayed pin. What the fuck? What a terrible, terrible booking move. Jericho is closer to 50 than 40, has dragged AJ down for months, and has been a loser for the past four years. AJ is a hot new star in the company that definitely should have a big WM to cement him as a big deal. Losing to Jericho at WM in 2016 (in not even a good match) is brutal. Just bizarre. Worst of all, it wasn't even a good match. And it means Jericho is sticking around for a while, likely to have at least one more shitty PPV match with AJ. Christ.


TO THE MARIA. Zack Ryder got his victory lap promo.


New Day vs League of Nations

Oh my god. New Day makes their entrance from inside a giant box of Booty-O's while dressed as Dragonball Z characters. It's amazing how these guys were so hated a year ago that they had turn heel, and now they have 100,000 people losing their shit for them coming out of boxes of cereal while dressed as cartoon characters. Very FnP entrance. On the other hand, look at their opponents a year ago. Rusev entered in a fucking tank to face John Cena. Sheamus returned with a "fuck your little indie shits" gimmick and got actual heat. Wade was about to become King of the Ring. ADR returned to WWE not even 6 months ago and is already back to zero reactions. "League of Nations are finally starting to gel". They've been a unit since like...November. They're just NOW starting to gel? Xavier is the FIP, which I'm torn on, because he's the least talented in the ring of New Day, but also probably would have the least interesting and explosive hot tag. Rusev, one of my faves, has a fire under his ass for the first time in months, so that's good. It's a well executed tag, but not particularly interesting. Jesus Christ Big E breaks his fucking neck on the apron spear. Again. Please stop doing that, breh. Please. You're going to die. ADR takes Kofi out, and then Wade hits a Bullhammer from the floor on Xavier, who turns around into the bro kick. League of Nations win...what? I thought this was going to be a huge night for New Day. They just lost to the least interesting and over faction in the company at the biggest show ever, after getting the big entrance.

Wait. WHAT THE FUCK. IT'S SHAWN MICHAELS. And what the fuck again, he's in better shape than when he retired. He's in his gear! It's Mick Foley! IT'S STEVE AUSTIN. What the fuck is happening. Are they breaking their retirements for...The League of Nations? Jesus Christ that pop for Austin. HOLY SHIT. Also, he is not in wrestling shape lol. He's been tasting too much of his own product. That beer belly is fierce.

We got us an impromptu six man tag. I can't believe Foley can even make it to the ring, let alone do his running knee in the corner. Austin selling for Rusev. Lol. Amazing. In fact, he's the only one of the three to sell for the heels at all here. Rusev's sell of the stunner was Rockesque. Of course, the legends easily dispose of the League of Nations. Then the New Day tries to get them to dance. Kofi teaches HBK how to twerk. Big E shows Mick how to swivel them hips. Austin starts to do the Charleston. SWERVE KICK WHAM STUNNER. The legends have a beer bash as two factions they just humiliated stumble to the back.

Let's just get this clear. New Day, arguably the most over mid card act in the company for months gets so far the biggest WM entrance of the show, only to lose to a stable that has been DOA since its inception, who then got beaten up by three long retired guys (although HBK has another run in him for sure), THEN Austin stuns Xavier and celebrates. Mission accomplished? This is a bizarre show.



Brock Lesnar vs Dean Ambrose Street Fight

This match has really had the most build of anything during WM season, and there is potential to get something like the Brock/Punk match. If anything is going to be bloody and violent, it should be this. I still can't believe Dean Ambrose got a WM match with Brock, but you might as well make the most of it. Brock hits 5 German suplexes in the first 2 minutes. So, it's that match.  Dean gets a low blow and some kendo stick shots. Other than that, it's been nothing but German suplexes. Oh hey, there's the chainsaw...which of course doesn't come into play at all. No idea why they even pretended to build that up, and then had Balor completely randomly use a chainsaw in his entrance at Takeover two days before. You're obviously not using a fucking chainsaw in a match. LOL, Dean hit Brock with a lap top and a fan at ringside screamed, "I hope you backed up!". Great timing, fan. The match just goes on for what feels like 30 minutes of Brock hitting a bunch of suplexes, Dean using a weapon for a few spots, then repeating. Brock wins with one F5.

I'm not a fan of Dean, but damn this match did nothing for him. They didn't do anything with the stipulation (Rollins and Dean had a more heated street fight on Raw in 2014), and the whole build was precipitated on how he's crazy and won't stay down. Then he gets demolished, there was never a chance Brock was going to even almost lose, and Dean stayed down after one F5. There was no "He won't give up, look at him getting up to his feet" or even "he lost but he's still standing" type of thing. It was close to a squash. It certainly didn't elevate Dean at all, and it was probably the worst Brock PPV match since his return. Just weird. The right guy won, but the way the match was booked was counter to the build and was over all a waste of both guys.

It has to be noted that Rollins and Roman had significantly better matches with Brock than Dean did on this show. Brock didn't even bleed for this. It was a slightly extended version of his house show match and an absolute dud.



The hall of famers come out to bask in the glow one last time. Fucking LOL at Snoop out there in a god damn bath robe. Amazing.


Becky Lynch vs Charlotte vs Sasha Banks WWE Women's Championship

On the pre-show, Lita unveiled the brand new WWE Women's Championship, which will be presented to the winner of this match. It's the same as the WWE WHC belt, but white leather and red plates. No more butterfly belt. The revolution worked! Snoop (and some woman who wasn't good at all) do Sasha's entrance, and she's  wearing gear inspired by the gear Eddie Guerrero won when he beat Brock for the title. Very dope. What a reaction for her, too. God damn. I'm amazed it took so long to have Snoop and Sasha interact. Charlotte is wearing a robe inspired by Ric's at Wrestlemania 24 (itself inspired by Gorgeous George). This match feels SO much bigger than anything so far. #bigtfightfeel, if you will.  Even the entrance itself plays off of Flair's that night. Very dope. Becky got...a new hat. Notably, Cole calls the women Superstars instead of Divas, so maybe the Divas branding all together is done.

Sasha is doing Eddie spots and it is pretty great. It's a fairly traditional triple threat, with one person getting knocked out of the ring to allow one on one interactions. It's also a bit sloppy. Becky looks very nervous, which is interesting, as she has the most experience of the three. There is some smart work with each trying to do moves that would prevent the other from hitting their finishers instead of doing traditional work for their own. Fans are very into this. Probably more than anything so far. Lol at Charlotte and Becky doing stunner/Rock Bottom variations. Sasha has a scary dive where she made her rotation late and would have landed on her head had Charlotte been even a couple of inches farther back. Yikes. And then Becky dives onto Ric, but seeing Ric try not to break a hip was a bummer. He did that during the entrance, too. The old man shuffle trying not to slip on confetti. He is almost 70, I guess. Don't worry, Charlotte gets her own dive, with a moonsault to the floor. Charlotte makes Becky tap out to the figure eight, which is probably the worst way the match could have ended. The build up seemed to be pointing to Becky getting the surprise win, but Sasha's ascension to the crown has been going on since last Summer. Charlotte has just kind of been there from the start of her reign and has already run through the whole division, but this is a show of weird endings winners. Still, even with some sloppy execution at times, this has by far been match of the night. It's the only thing that even felt like a big time WM match. But also lol at WWE clearly patting themselves on the back for dropping the divas stuff when they inducted a pimp who brought out actual strippers with him into the HOF the night before.


Shane McMahon vs The Undertaker Hell In A Cell

Nothing about this build has made any sense. Shane returns after an 8 year absence to gain control of Raw, because he's worried the company won't last much longer with HHH and Steph running it into the ground. His entire existence right now is as an agent of change and openly tells the audience the shows are shitty, but he's going to fix them. So Vince puts him in a match with Undertaker at WM...because Taker is Vince's bitch. Sure. No reason why Vince is openly antagonistic towards Taker. Or why Taker would agree to do Vince's bidding. Or why he and Shane don't like each other. Now, Shane basically blackmailed Vince into this match, saying he had some lock-box of secrets that he'd reveal. It wasn't mentioned after the first week, but technically if Shane wins, he'll reveal the secrets, get control of Raw (but not WWE), and Taker will never be allowed to wrestle again...but only at Wrestlemania. None of it makes sense. There is also a strong undercurrent of Vince physically (possibly sexually) abusing Shane for years, and the idea that the son should inherit the business, not the daughter. It's very Freudian. And very McMahonian.

Shane brings out his 3 white as fuck sons to do the dance with him. Which is also weird, since Shane basically said he might die in this match, so bringing his sons out to watch it from the front row does not seem like great parenting. Who knows, one of those kids might be running the company someday. Better hope Shane wins before he dies.  Hopefully the match itself will have as much fuckery as the build up. That's all I ask for.  Lol at this starting off as a MOOEY TIE match. 1 punch from Taker is equal to about 15 from Shane. Shane has the speed advantage, but it isn't doing much for him. Taker looks physically healthier than the the past few Manias, but he's slow as shit and has trouble keeping his balance on moves. Both guys are gassed in 5 minutes. I'm confused at how Shane's strikes still look so bad even after training with Phil Nurse for months. These two trading MMA submissions is ridiculous. But countering a gogoplata into the sharpshooter is the most lol thing on this show. Shane's in much better shape today than he was 15 years ago, but he's not a wrestler. He's just here to die for his father's sins. Maybe literally. This fuck does an elbow drop from the top of the HIAC. The new, giant one. What the fuck. You're 46 and your kids are in the front row, Shane. Jesus fuck. And after this absolutely insane bump, with the entire audience, announcers, and Undertaker in shock....Shane tells Taker to bring more. Shane is doing Dean's gimmick better than Dean. Taker drags him in and finishes it with the tombstone, but what the fuck. The margin of error for that bump was so slim. Had he had a little more or little less bounce in his step, he could have over shot or landed on the edge of the table. Even if there is a crash pad under it, it couldn't be a big one. Christ. That's your son, Vince. And you grandchildren are in the front row watching their dad do that. What the fuck. Shane gets stretchered out after the match.

There was no reason for Shane to take that bump. Smoke and mirrors to make people forget the bulk of the match was terrible, that Taker is in his 50s, Shane is in his mid 40s, and the build up made no sense. It was, almost literally, just a match for Shane to come out and add another crazy bump to his highlight reel to make up for half the roster being out hurt. There was no good way to end this. Obviously, Shane beating Taker is ridiculous and would just lead to more McMahon Family Drama all over TV again. However, Shane's entire role is being a stand in for the audience who knows the shows are shitty and wants to make them good again, so the message being sent with Shane losing is "the shows are staying shitty. Deal with it." So...you've been warned by WWE itself. You don't get to complain about Raw if you keep watching.


Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Uh. Why is Baron Corbin in this with no intro? Why the fuck is TATANKA in this? The hell is going on with this show? DDP?! SHAQ?!?!  The fuck. This is the weirdest god damn show. Shaq really kills the worked heights of everyone in the ring, as he towers over Show and Kane. Lol, Shaq and Show double chokeslam Kane. Of course, the entire field team up to eliminate Shaq and Show about 2 minutes in. Sandow gets his WM moment of getting eliminated by Shaq. Kanyon Cutter! BANG! God damn Tatanka was out of place and wtf a decade ago when he showed up again. 10 years after that and it's twice as wtf. Baron Corbin eliminates Kane to win. Which again is another weird ass choice, considering he wasn't even announced for this, just lost to Austin Aries, and is now presumably coming up to the main roster with no hype and no reason to have even been in the battle royal unlike the past two that had NXT guys win the chance to be in it. It's not necesarrily bad or the wrong choice, It's just so random. Like everything else on this show, I suppose.


Now it's time for The Rock to come out and ramble for a half hour. Why does he have a flame thrower? And why is he setting his name on fire? Who knows. Who cares. The theme of the show. He's here to announce the new WM attendance record at 101,763, shattering the 29 year record set at WM3. And then the Wyatt Family comes out. Lol. Da hale. Damn at Bray getting Cena, Taker, and Rock in back to back to back WMs. Rock puts Bray over huge on the mic, but then berries the shit out of the other dudes. Then Rock takes his clothes off, revealing his wrestling gear.

 

 

The Rock vs Erik Rowan

Impromptu Rock match...ends in 6 seconds with a Rock Bottom lol. 

The Wyatts surround Rock. BRRRR APPLEDOUGH. John Cena has returned! Of course, they dismantle the Wyatts and celebrate together. Random as fuck, but it's not like anything can be done to the Wyatt family to make them look any worse. If the physical stuff didn't happen right after, I would have thought Rock putting Bray over so hard was leading to a face turn for Bray.


Triple H vs Roman Reigns WWE World Heavyweight Championship

HHH has maybe his weirdest entrance ever, having footage of what appear to be cenobites stripped of their identities and with metal plates over their mouths, joined together in full on Nazi/Pink Floyd/Conan the Barbarian iconography, while Steph has her own Shao Kahn mask and delivers a totalitarian dictator speech touching on Jesus, slave mentality, destruction, power, and the futility of struggling against the machine. It's...something. Absolutely batshit. Wonderful. Roman has...basically a normal ass entrance with his pyro from last year. Big let down after that insanity of HHH's.

 

 

HHH is over like a god, everyone hates Roman. It will be interesting to see if HHH can get the crowd on Roman's side. It doesn't look like they're even going to try for that based on the opening minutes, though. The match has a deliberately slow pace, with HHH working the head and neck of Roman and lots of down time between moves. Steph distracts the ref when Roman starts gaining momentum. Has an old school feel to it. I'll say this much: This isn't doing much to make Roman look good. HHH has out wrestled him and physically dominated him multiple times. Just straight up rag dolling Roman. This is definitely not a story of HHH just being able to use his experience and cheating to control Roman. It's very strange. Roman hits the OMG Moment spear through the barricade, which has been done to death over the years even before he was doing it. Roman hurt his arm on it, and HHH tries to tear it apart once they're back in the ring. Steph accidentally got speared, which I'm sure thrilled all the creepy fucks who have been wanting her to get beaten up by giant athletic men twice her size for years. And it seems like it worked for this crowd, too, since right after, Roman kicked out of the pedigree and fans cheered. Disgusting fucks. All it took to turn him face was tackling a woman. Thankfully, it wasn't on purpose, because there is no excuse you can come up for that justifies 250 pound pro athletes smashing women, no matter how many times that woman has slapped them or made fun of them. Imagine kids in the stadium seeing grown ass men cheering for Roman only when he flattened a much smaller woman. What a great message to send to them, dads. Anyway, Roman wins with the spear, and the crowd that started off 95/5 in favor of HHH is probably closer to 70/30 in Roman's favor. So, mission accomplished. New champion. Not the match I thought it could be, but still pretty good. The right guy won and it wasn't weird as fuck, so it had that going for it.


This is probably the weirdest Wrestlemania ever. Not only was it was seven fucking hours if you included the pre-show (plus all day coverage on ESPN), but nearly every match had the wrong person winning or things that just made no sense. Roman/HHH is the only match to have the right finish and no booking shenanigans to make it weird. Brock/Dean had the right finish, but not the right match, nor the right character work from Dean. It was basically a squash that didn't deliver on any of the build, and then Shane completely out did Dean in the "crazy guy who won't stay down" character work. Which, that match was nonsense from start of finish and anyone involved with that Shane bump should be seriously considering other lines of work. New Day gets their big entrance only to lose to losers, the losers get beat up by retired guys, then Xavier gets beaten up by Austin as the legends celebrate and New Day disappears. It's certainly not an interaction that did any of the 7 current roster guys any good. It's just a weird show.

The women's match, despite being sloppy at times, felt like the most important match on the card. To the performers, announcers, and crowd. It was presented well and treated as a big deal. The main event was good, but not as good as it seemed like it should have been (the odd layout of HHH physically and technically dominating Roman certainly didn't help). I wouldn't say this was a BAD show, but it certainly was weird.

 

 

 

 

 

WWE Wrestlemania 31
wrestlemania31.jpg

Aloe Blacc opens the show with America The Beautiful. LL Cool J then presses play. It's WRASSLEMANIA!


Daniel Bryan vs Luke Harper vs Dean Ambrose vs Wade Barrett vs Dolph Ziggler vs Stardust vs R-Truth Intercontinental Championship

Ladder Match

Fuck. Open the show with a 7 man ladder match after the pre-show had a 30 man battle royal and an 8 man tag match. So at this point, the first official match of the show, the crowd has already seen 45 talents.  You have Daniel Bryan come back from a neck/nerve issue and have him in a ladder match 2 months later? Whose bright fucking idea was that? Within about 2 minutes, there's a big dive sequence. There's a pretty neat spot where Barrett intentionally breaks a rung of the ladder so he can brandish it as a weapon. Other than that, it's your normal multiman ladder spot where everyone is just concerned about getting into position for the next contrived spot and bump. Unsurprisingly, Bryan mostly lays out of the match and lets everyone else take the big bumps. Smart enough considering his health, but why the fuck book him in a match like this to begin with? Speaking of big bumps, Ambrose gets MURDERED with a Harper powerbomb over the ropes on a bridged ladder. Basically landed head first. The match comes down to Bryan and Ziggler standing on top of a ladder repeatedly headbutting each other. How weird that this Bryan guy got put out of action due to brain injuries. Bryan's headbutts win out and he grabs the belt. New champion.


Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins

An end to a months long feud no one really asked for. Orton goes for the RKO early, and I imagine he's probably going to go back to that often in this match. Lmao, Randy COMPLETELY no sells a buckle bomb. Immediatley hits a lariat and poses. Lol. He follows that with a stereo hanging DDT to the floor to J & J Security. And then Seth hits...a dive. For the heel to go on offense. Follow up a dive with a headlock, breh. Make up your mind how you're going to work. RKO OUTTA NOWHERE! And Seth kicked out. Because you definitely need finisher kick outs in the SECOND match on the card. And guess what? Orton kicked out of the curb stomp. Can you believe it? Seth goes for the curb stomp again, only for Orton to actually hit a RKO OUTTA NOWHERE for the win. That was pretty dope. The rest of the match was just getting your shit in, finisher kick outs for no reason, and then a cool finish. Like...there was zero reason for both to hit their finishers and kick out in a fairly short match this low on the card. You know the other big matches on the card are going to do that shit, so why not make your finishers actually matter in your match?


Sting vs Triple H

Sting FINALLY makes his Wrestlemania appearance. 14 years after the death of WCW. And he comes out to a kabuki band. The fuck? Since when is Stang Japanese. Don't worry, he looks just as confused as everyone else. Then HHH enters...WITH AN ARMY OF TERMINATORS. WITH A PERSONAL INTRO FROM ARNOLD. OMG THEY'RE FLYING! And then HHH raises decapitated heads of defeated T-800s. This is ABSURD. And WONDERFUL. This is really built as HHH destroying the last WCW solider, which is like Eisenhower inviting a lone Japanese solider to the White House to end WW2 in 1959.  

BIG FIGHT FEEL, dawgs. The biggest of big. STANG AT WRESTLEMANIA! Working an 80s NWA match to start. Shoulder blocks, headlocks, and hammer locks. DROPKICK OUTTA NOWHERE from Sting. You still got it, breh. Lol, even at Wrestlemania, Sting can't hit the Stinger splash on the guard rail. Sting gets the deathlock applied. HHH is gonna tap. IT'S DX! OUTTA NOWHERE! Start out slow and dive into the DEEP end of fuckery. I love it. It's 2015 and Sting is doing dives on DX. And then Sting kicks out of the pedigree. Should have no sold it like a piledriver, imo. As HHH goes to get the sledgehammer, THE NWO COMES OUT! HOLY SHIT! Fuckery levels set to stun, mother fuckers. It's Sting vs HHH. It's DX vs NWO. It's WWF vs WCW. IT'S WRASSLEMANIA! Lmao, Nash faking quad injuries, Hall taking back body drops on the floor. This shit is ridiculous in the best possible way. OH SHIT HBK SUPERKICK TO STING! OUTTA NOWHERE! And Sting still kicks out! LAWD. Omg, Razor slipped Sting the bat. Bat vs sledgehammer. Sting breaks the hammer in half. And then, in typical stupid Sting fashion, he drops the bat, only for HHH to hit Sting with broken hammer to win. Fuckery levels OFF THE CHARTS. 


TO THE MARIA. Maria speaks with Daniel Bryan, who gets put over by Pat Patterson, Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, AND Bret Hart. Jesus Christ could you imagine how furious people would be if Roman or Cena or whoever else is hated by the internet at the time in this segment instead of Bryan. Lmao, Flair randomly chops Steamboat. If you really want to put Bryan's size in perspective, 50+, retired, stroke victim Bret Hart is a full head taller and looks to have arms significantly larger. And Bret was always known as a "small" guy in his era. The segment ends with Ron Simmons throwing out a DAMN and all the legends doing a YES chant with Bryan. Shit is the most pandering bullshit I've ever seen lol.


Please welcome Skylar Grey, Travis Barker, and Kid Ink. It's not WM without a shitty music performance no one asked for. 


Bella Twins vs Paige/AJ Lee

Strong vibes of a women's triple threat having to follow Hulk/Rock at WM 18. Especially at this point when people were still pretending the Bellas were horrible and AJ/Pagie were great. Lol, AJ gets knocked off the apron and just chills out on the floor dead for several moments. And as soon as she gets up, she gets put down again, so she's going to spend the majority of the match taking a nap on the floor. Oh shit, Bellas doing Arn/Tully spots. Things kind of fall apart when AJ finally gets involved in the match. And then she makes Nikki tap to the Black Widow. Despite doing all of nothing in the match. 


The HOF class of 2015 is here to soak in one last pop.


John Cena vs Rusev WWE US Championship

HOLY SHIT, Rusev is accompanied by the Russian military and rides in on a FUCKING TANK. Meanwhile, John Cena comes in with the most American entrance video you could ever imagine, with clips from nearly every president from FDR to Obama, heavy on the Reagan. Cena begins the match with the most American of moves: A lariat. Cena gets absolutely dominated for the first few minutes of the match. The crowd is more than split even when Cena is defending America. All these fucking America hating foreigners in the crowd. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BREHS. "...the one thing I've been looking forward to in particular is lovin' leavin' it." Bret pls. Luckily, there is one thing that will always get smarks on your side: MOVEZ. That's why you have Cena doing jumping tornado DDTs and springboard stunners. Embrace your inner PWG, mayne. Of course, Cena powers out of the camel clutch to hit a single FU for the win. New champion. The one FU is very notable, because I don't think Cena would ever have another match after this that ended with one FU.


TO THE PANEL. It's been a big night, so let's slow things down to give a bunch of down time and cover the pre-show matches.

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon come out to brag about the attendance record set today: 76, 976. Then they start bragging about themselves. And then, THE ROCK. OUTTA NOWHERE. Get a tighter shirt, dawg. HHH's dismissive faces are so lol. Rock is looking old as shit, though. He looked younger at next year's WM. Rock talks some mad shit, saying HHH left his balls in Stamford. This was one of multiple segments that seemed to be teasing a Rock/HHH WM match that never happened. Steph talks even more mad shit. Rock makes dick jokes, so Steph slaps him in the People's Mouth. And then Rock brings RONDA ROUSEY to the ring. Ronda is so fucking over, which is hilarious because not even 2 years later, she's basically a joke. Amazing how quickly one can lose their aura in combat sports. OH SHIT, this is STEPH'S RING. "Why don't you get the hell out of my ring." Omg. Ronda cutting promos at WM. WHAT A MOMENT. "Any ring I step into is mine." "That look, Steph, means, if you keep running your mouth, she's going to reach down your throat and pull your insides out and play jump rope with your Fallopian tubes." Rock lays the smackdown on HHH's candy ass, followed by Ronda scoring an ippon on him, and then putting Steph in a courting hold. You may think this 25 minute promo segment that would lead to absolultely nothing after this show was pointless and a waste of time. But you'd be wrong, because it was enterrtaining as fuck.


Bray Wyatt vs Undertaker

Let me tell you this: Both Bray's and Undertaker's entrances look goofy as shit in broad daylight. Fucking assholes dressed up like scarecrows in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY. GTFO. Taker should have never grown his hair back out after shaving it and having the little mohawk. His hairline goes to like the middle of his skull, plus the big bald spot in the back as soon as he starts sweating. It makes him look even older for no reason. So, a year before, Taker's WM streak was finally ended by Brock Lesnar. This is his first match since. He's got a gigantic knee brace that his pants are definitely not hiding. No one knows if he can still go, if he'd still even come back, but Bray, the closest thing to a "new Undertaker" character finally goads him into returning at WM...but who gives a shit now? Taker with a loss on his WM record just makes this any other match. Beating him means what? You aren't breaking the streak. Him beating someone means what? He's not adding to the streak. It's just a random match. And Taker is like legitimately 20+ years older than Bray here. So if Taker wins, he beats a guy 20+ years younger than him. If Taker loses, Bray beat a dude 20+ years older than him who has nothing going for him at WM anymore. Lose-lose. What you got was the most basic of basic post-2004 Taker matches imaginable, with the only notable spot being Taker doing the sit up while Bray was doing the spider walk. But don't worry, both kick out of finishers halfway through the match. A second tombstone puts Bray away, so....congrats on beating a guy who can't beat someone 20+ years older than him.


Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar WWE Championship

#bigfightfeel. Roman tries to attack Brock and immediately gets thrown. F5! In the opening scrum, Brock got busted open under his eye. And then Brock just beats the living shit out of Roman. Suplexes, punches, knees, kicks. Just smashing this dude. But Roman keeps getting up. And then Roman tries to stiff Brock and gets laid the fuck out for it. Getting beaten for that smark cred. You ever seen a breh hit a snap suplex with so much velocity it sends a dude out of the ring? You have now. Brock's gloves come off, so this is now a SHOOT. Those are the rules, dudes. Brock slaps the piss out of Roman, and Roman is now laughing at this ass beating. Dat Samoan pride. We're up to 10 suplexes at this point. 3 F5s. And Roman won't stay down. And then he throws Brock into the ring post, which immediately busts Brock open. Even concussed and bleeding, it takes 3 superman punches to knock Brock down. Spear! Brock almost immediately gets up. Spear! Brock kicks out! This mother fucker. Oh shit, another superman punch is countered with a F5. OH SHIT, Seth Rollins is cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase! Curb stomp to Brock! Another...OH SHIT F5! OH SHIT spear! Curb stomp to Reigns. Seth Rollins is the new WWE Champion! 


Fuckery overload, brehs. Between Sting/HHH and the last few mins of Roman/Brock, shit was next level. What had a generally really shitty build ended up being a fun show. Sting/HHH was GLORIOUS. HHH/Steph/Rock/Ronda promo was very entertaining. Roman/Brock was stiff as fuck with a surprise ending. I love the idea that Brock is so OP as a boss level character that you have to charge up all your special moves and hit them in succession just to knock him down. 

The other matches were good enough, at least. Not enough to detract, at least. Not an all time great show, but in the top half for sure. 

WWE Wrestlemania 26

Why are there mother fuckers in PHOENIX wearing mink coats? At a fucking wrestling show?


R-Truth/John Morrison vs Show-Miz WWE Unified Tag Team Championships

Why the fuck does JOHNNY NITRO have so much pyro? Shit is absurd. What a random fucking match. Show does much of the work in this match for some reason. I'd like to know who told him it was a good call to not wear knee pads. Oh man, LOOLOLOL at Nitro trying to hit his finisher well after Miz got pulled out of the ring. Not that he ever hit the fucking move anyway. Fuck Johnny Mundo. Luckily, Show knocks his ass out. Titles retained.


TO THE AXXESS. Oh boy, reading and golfing.


Ted DiBiase vs Cody Rhodes vs Randy Orton

Legacy EXPLODES! Will Cody and Ted team up on their former mentor and leader? Or will they all go their separate ways? Well, at first, it seems like it might be a handicap match. Of course, young Cody and Ted can't keep their shit together and get jealous of each other. No one gives a shit about ANYTHING those two are doing, but they sure love Orton. Randy decimates them and makes them look like trash. So much for these two having their big break out match.  Cody got the punt, Ted got the RKO. And I'm pretty sure Randy was wearing mascara.


TO THE JOSH. Oh fuck, this cunt Josh Matthews. He gives a big build up for what will obviously be HBK, but was actually for Vikki Guerrero, who is putting her career on the line later tonight. Layla the gawdess. Mein gott. Jillian Michaels pops in to sing Simply The Best. This leads into Santino doing a Slim Jims commercial. He takes a bite of a Slim Jim, and Jillian transforms into Mae Young, who kisses him. Another bite and Mae transforms into Mean BY GOD Gene. The next time it's Melina. Well, that was something.


Kofi Kingston vs MVP vs Evan Bourne vs Jack Swagger vs Shelton Benjamin vs Matt Hardy vs Dolph Ziggler vs Drew McIntyre vs Kane vs Christian

Money In The Bank   


Man...who the fuck wants half of these guys in a ladder match? Drew is also the reigning IC champ coming into this. But a 10 man ladder match. Fuck. There's not even room to do big ladder spots with 10 people. Says a lot that by 2010, they were already out of ideas for ladder spots even with 10 people. Also not helping that because with all the people, the timing is off for almost all of the big spots for the first half of the match. Like, why am I supposed to be impressed that Bourne can do a SSP off a wedged ladder that wasn't even as high as the top rope? A little more impressed at taking a hip toss from the giant ladder, though. There's a really dumb spot where Kane pulls a ladder apart, and Kofi decides to use the two sides like stilts while Matt Striker screams about how ingenious it is...despite there abut at LEAST 8 ladders around ringside within reach he could have grabbed and climbed up. Surely there was a smarter spot for Kofi to show off his athleticism. For some reason, out of shape, drug issue having Matt Hardy ends up taking the biggest bumps in this match. Let one of those youthful bucks take those bumps. Surely he had earned the right not to have to take terrible bumps. And then JACK FUCKING SWAGGER knocks Christian off a ladder to win MITB. JACK SWAGGER. REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.


Recap of the Hall of Fame, with the 2010 class coming out before the crowd. Man. BOB UECKER AND ANTONIO INOKI are cutting up together at Wrestlemania in 2010. And next to them is Gorgeous George's widow. And Bruce Hart is also on the stage in jeans. Wrestling is fucking weird.

 
 

Sheamus vs Triple H

This seems kind of weird in retrospect. A year ago, HHH was in the main event for the title. This year, he's not even in the middle of the show against a guy who had been on TV for about a year. The difference in skin tone is HILARIOUS. Sheamus, as white as a ghost. HHH, bordering on Hulk Hogan orange. So Sheamus keeps trying to break the pace of the match, but HHH is a vet pretty well accustomed to do that himself. Hunter goes after the leg of Sheamus, and Sheamus does a very solid job of selling it. For a while, at least. He kind of stops when doing his back breakers, which should certainly impact his knees. This very slow and deliberate. Straight out of 1987. HHH hits a pedigree OUTTA NOWHERE to win. What's really going to bake your noodle is this somewhat plodding, heatless match in the middle of the show was HHH's last match as a full time performer. Between this match and his match with Taker at WM 27, he had 8 matches, only two of which were televised. Sheamus is the dude that ended his full time career.


Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk

Maybe Rey's worst WM outfit: A fucking smurf from Avatar. Punk seems to have an answer for all of Rey's normal spots, so Rey starts bringing out older ones, including the Halloween Havoc backflip DDT. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work out as well 13 years and 13 knee surgeries later. This probably could have been the big WERKRATE match of the show, but was instead a 6 minute match where Rey outsmarted the entire SES and pinned Punk with a splash.


Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon No Holds Barred

Now, there was a very circuitous route to get to this match that I won't go into because it's fucking dumb, but Bret finally returned to WWE in January, and now he's finally going to have that match with Vince. I'm TRIGGERED they redid Bret's theme. Shit was so unnecessary. But Bret returns to Wrestlemania and a WWE ring for the first time since 1997. And much like his last match in WCW, he's in his jorts. He also looks very nervous. Vince comes out and says that Bret deserves a WRESTLEMANIA SIZED SCREWING. He paid a bunch of money to get some lumberjacks. The lumberjacks? The entire Hart Family. Lmao. Vince paid off the Hart Family to screw Bret. Bruce Hart will be the ref. Of course, all of this falls VERY flat because A. No one cares about the Hart Family, and B. Everyone saw this big SWERVE of the Harts screwing Vince coming the second they came out. So, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the whole family beats Vince up. Then Tyson Kidd and Harry Smith give him a concussion with a top rope to the floor Hart Attack. Then Bret repeatedly beats Vince with a crowbar. Then repeatedly beats him with a chair. To the point where you start feeling bad for Vince. 20+ by the end of it. And the thing is, Bret doesn't even appear to be enjoying it. The crowd isn't, either. It's like when you jerk off because you have nothing else to do and then feel like a piece of shit when you're done. Bret finally locks on the sharpshooter and ends this Canadian nightmare as the whole Hart family gets to celebrate in the ring. Except for Teddy. Lol. Finally, the wounds of Montreal are healed. Or something. Vince really paid for his transgressions. 


Edge vs Chris Jericho World Heavyweight Championship

I want to say hard pass on this match. Edge coming back from one of a hundred injuries, Jericho having used up all his juju with the HBK feud. Why the fuck is Matt Striker acting like these two trained and traveled the indies together? Jericho had already been in Japan and SMW when Edge got his first bookings. They didn't even have an interaction until Jericho came to WWE. Shut the fuck up, Matt. "They're both Canadian, so they traveled and trained together. Pretty much brothers, guys." Winnipeg and Toronto are TWENTY HOURS APART. Little Edgie Wedgie would ride his bike 2000 kilometers both ways just to talk about wrestling with Chris Jericho. The magic of sports entertainment, brehs. Imagine if some dumb fuck said two guys from America grew up together when one lived in Indianapolis and one in Denver. Because that's about what this fuck head just said. Man, FUCK Matt Striker. Lmao at King and Cole actively ignoring him and talking over him while he's trying to give some meaningless and incorrect historical fact. If you catch them in the camera shot, it's clear they hate it when Matt speaks. Mr. History called the Undisputed Championship the Unified Championship, and THEN goes on to say that Jericho beat Austin and Rock in the SAME MATCH. Undisputed Championship. Two matches. You stupid fuck. How did this piece of shit ever get hired? Anywhere? It takes all fucking match for Jericho to go after the Achilles, and then that heads into a ref bump and title shot. Jericho wins via Codebreaker. Title retained. Edge was clearly washed at this point. After the match, Edge, who couldn't stand on his leg moments ago, is able to run across two tables to spear Jericho into the time keeper's area.


LayCool/Maryse/Alicia Fox/Vickie Guerrero vs Mickie James/Kelly Kelly/Eve Torres/Gail Kim/Beth Phoenix

This literally goes on for about 30 seconds before the big finisher rush sequence. Vickie goes up top to do a tribute to Eddie, basically falls off the ropes, and Kelly Kelly's shoulder came up, so the ref really stopped counting, making Vickie have to keep splashing Kelly and redoing the pin. What a mess. Luckily it was about 3 minutes long.


John Cena vs Batista WWE Championship

Yes, Batista getting a lone spotlight entrance. At WM. Wonderful. Meanwhile, Cena has a cornball Marines twirling their guns entrance. The last time these two met up was at Summerslam 2008. Cena broke his neck. Bateaster goes after it almost immediately. Fans seem weirdly pretty either uninterested or at least too tired to care for this. And then Batista hits a brutal spike DDT. OUTTA NOWHERE. Things pick up and the crowd gets into it after a while, but this is a pretty meh match. A lot of awkward spots. And a weird finish where they did the same spot that broke Cena's neck at Summerslam (poorly, btw), directly into Cena locking in the STF to make Batista tap. New champion.


Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels

At last year's event, these two put on what is considered by many to be the GOAT WM match. HBK came closer than anyone to breaking the streak, and over the next year, getting one more shot to break the streak has consumed him. Undertaker would refuse to offer him a rematch until HBK cost him the World Championship at Elimination Chamber. Undertaker accepted the challenge...but only if HBK would put his career on the line. It's career vs streak. It's WRESTLEMANIA!

HBK has a normal entrance. Last year he descended from the heavens. Taker ascends from Hell with some dope lasers. HBK immediately plays mind games and has Taker PIST. Taker tweaks his knee doing Old School, which is something Shawn picks up on and goes after. That's how much of the match goes: HBK kicking at the leg, doing various submissions from people he's had feuds with, Taker hitting a big move and trying to rest up. Like a tombstone on the floor, which you might recall beat Jake Roberts at WM 8. It's actually kind of weird. Has a strange pace to it. Taker gets his knees up on the elbow drop, which hurt his knee more and fucked HBK's ribs.  None of this stops them from hitting powerbombs and superkicks and kicking out and shit. I guess it is Wrestlemania and streak vs career. HBK hits a dope moonsault on the announce table, I assume by happenstance landing on Taker's knee. After another superkick and tombstone kick out, Taker decides that HBK has nothing left. "Stay down!" Much like when HBK had to retire Ric Flair, Taker doesn't really want to do this. But then HBK, ever the piece of shit, slaps Taker, leading to a furious JUMPING TOMBSTONE. HBK's career has come to an end. Wrestlemania ends with HBK waving goodbye to the crowd.


This was definitely a lot weaker than I remembered. HBK/Taker in particular was a lot weaker than I remembered, but the Bret/Vince thing basically killed the show. I'm very upset that Bret's comeback included Bruce Hart getting his Wrestlemania moment. And fuck Matt Striker. In the end, I guess HBK/Taker was match of the night, but if it had been any two other people in the match, people would still be bitch about the needless finisher spam and kick outs. This is a match where Taker hits a tombstone on the floor a few minutes in and it doesn't impact the match at all. Where HBK does all this leg work and it doesn't stop Taker from hitting chokeslams and three more tombstones, one being a jumping version. 

WWE Wrestlemania 19

The first official WWE Wrestlemania, and the first WM of the brand split era.


Rey Mysterio vs Matt Hardy WWE Cruiserweight Championship

BROTHER DAREDEVIL, I KNEW YOU'D COME! Rey hits a dope twisting dive about 6 seconds into the match. His costume sucks, though. He's supposed to be Daredevil, but his shit is so maroon it's basically purple. Daredevil ain't purple, bitch. Meanwhile, Matt is wearing a Persian rug made into pants. That little MFer Shannon Moore gets involved CONSTANTLY. This ref is dogshit. How can you miss him interfering so many times? What a fuck head. Matt holds the ropes after reversing a victory roll, stealing the win. Title retained. Very short match. Probably around 5 minutes. I recall them having a long, very good TV match not long after this.


TO THE BACK. A limo arrives. It's the MILLER LITE CAT FIGHT GIRLS! BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!?!? They get into a spat over which match is bigger: Hogan/Vince or Rock/Austin.


Undertaker vs Big Show/A-Train

Originally, Taker was to team with former shoot fighter Nathan Jones in this match, but Show and Albert laid him out on Heat because someone finally realized he was fucking terrible in the ring and putting Taker in a tag match at WM was stupid. Luckily, Taker got a live intro from "WWE's favorite band in the whole world", Limp Bizkit. KEEP ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' CHYEAH! You would have thought WWE had learned about horrific live performances at WM 18, but I guess not. Oh my god, Fred Durst actually gets to go all the way to the ring. And then a LITTLE KID replaces him on stage. A true American bad ass would not be bobbing his head to Limp fucking Bizkit. What horrible fucking timeline have we entered where Undertaker is giving Fred Durst daps in the ring at WM? If only WCW was still alive, this never would have happened. 

Lmao, Albert spat on Taker's bike. But fake spat. Pantomimed spitting on the bike. A worked spit, if you will. 41 year old Taker doing a dropdown > leapfrog spot on Albert was pretty impressive, I have to say, especially since he couldn't even get that right a decade earlier against Samu. I feel like this probably could have just been a singles match, and preferably Taker/Albert even though that wouldn't be as "big" of a match as Taker/Show. As it is, it's basically worked like Taker working two singles matches while dealing with interfering managers more than an actual handicap match. Taker just throwing out arm bar variations like they ain't shit. Shout out to the sign dead center on hard cam: YOU ARE BUTT. No, you. Albert works the majority of the match, and then Nathan Jones runs out. Big Show sees him and runs out ot meet him about half way down the absurdly long aisle. He spin kicks Show, then hits the ring to give Albert a big boot in front of the ref. That's a DQ. Nathan Jones isn't a member of this match anymore. THE STREAK....is over. 


TO THE BACK. The Cat Fight Girls run into Stacy and Torrie. Stacy has a new marketing campaign to discuss with them.


Trish Stratus vs Jazz vs Victoria WWE Women's Championship

How weird to directly follow the Cat Fight Girls with this. #DualitiesofWomen. I guess Trish and Jazz should be happy they're this low on the card and not having to follow something like Hogan/Rock this year. King wonders if a triple threat can turn into a  "love triangle". I'm stunned he had the restraint to not call it a threesome. Or a sleepover party. Of course, Trish gets double teamed a bunch (cue King squeal), and then the two bad bitches beat each other up. Stevie repeatedly makes an ass of himself, and Trish wins by kicking Victoria right in the tits. New champion. 


TO THE COACH. The PEOPLE's Coach. How excited is The Rock? The People hurt the People's Champ. Fuck those People, champ. 


Los Guerreros vs Chris Benoit/Rhyno vs Team Angle WWE Tag Team Championships

Curiously, the Raw tag match was relegated to Heat. Kane and RVD couldn't even make it to the main card. Eddie and Benoit have a nice symbolic interaction where they've gained the mass and speed of raging semis on a pickup body only to crash and burn too early in the match. IT'S A METAPHOR. Read a book, ya dummies. Rhyno/Benoit is a weird pairing, since their team pretty much came about because they both had returned from neck surgeries. Call me crazy, but I think I'd want at least one person on the team who hadn't had major neck surgery in the prior year. Maybe I'm being cervicalphobic right now. I don't trust brehs with neck injuries is what I'm getting at. Tazz is saying the dumbest shit right now. Christ. I wish he'd shut the fuck up. Dude sounds like such a moron. Like imagine if someone was actually reading my commentary out loud during a match and that'd be close to as retarded as Tazz. Just a thought, but if you had neck surgery and had to take a year off to heal, why would you come back and continue to take back drops and do superplexes? Not even considering the diving headbutt and all the German suplexes. Much of the match is WGTT focusing on the necks of Rhyno and Benoit, and the Guerreros just kind of being there. Rhyno gored Chavo, only for Shelty B to make the pin. Titles retained.


TO THE BACK. The Cat Fight Girls and Torrie/Stacy start arguing with each other over the Hogan/Vince Rock/Austin debate. Now everyone is pissed. 


Shawn Michaels vs Chris Jericho

HBK's triumphant return to WM after 5 years. He now faces a man who grew up idolizing him, Chris Jericho. Now, Jericho tries to break free and surpass his idol. It's not quite a Bruno/Larry situation, but kind of the sameish idea. LOOOOOOOOL, HBK has BADD BLASTERS. And one of them doesn't even work. Just what you want to think of at WM: an impotent Johnny B. Badd. Omg, another one doesn't work. Lmao. King shits on the concept of these two starting the match with arm drags, headlocks, and hammerlocks. HBK seems to mock the idea himself. Things kind of stay in that "traditional" wrestling mold until Jericho slaps HBK, and things pick up from there. After the stalemates and showing off, the focus centers around HBK's back, as you'd expect. The crowd is actually weirdly mixed at times. How are you gonna boo HBK at WM? Jericho doing the forearm and kip up spot gets HBK HEATED. He continues to do all of HBK's big spots, and literally none of them look as good as HBK's. HBK won with a fucking roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. This gets touted as an all time WM classic, and it's good, but HBK still didn't fully have his sea legs back as a big match performer, and Jericho looked nervous and tenattive the whole match. Post match, they hug only for Jericho to kick HBK in the dick. 


TO THE BACK. Smackdown official Sylvain Grenier enters Vince McMahon's locker room. 

Oh my god. Limp Bizkit is back. FUCK. This is officially the worst Wrestlemania of all time. This is followed by the Miller Lite Cat Fight Girls getting into a pillow fight with Stacy and Torrie. And then Coach gets pinned. In his tighty whities.


Booker T vs Triple H World Heavyweight Championship

Imagine if you transported a Harley Race/Ric Flair vs black territory star angle into the early 2000s. That's basically what this angle is about. HHH and Flair being about as racist as you can without actually dropping n-bombs on TV. So obviously, Booker has to win otherwise the moral of the story really is "you people" aren't allowed to win the title.  On top of this, King and JR BOTH bury WCW as being a joke, agreeing with HHH's assessment and why Booker's title reigns don't mean anything. King struggles MIGHTILY to come up with "HHH is so rich X" jokes. God. I've never heard him be at such a loss for words during that sequence. The early portion of the match is Booker dominating HHH with stiff as hell strikes and speed. The tides turn when HHH uses the ring post and ringside to his advantage. "You know, Booker T, the guy whose family portrait is a court room sketch." The announcing in this is infuriating. It's basically just King making Booker is poor/criminal jokes and JR talking about how much respect he has for Book. Over and over and over and over. While sprinkling in WCW insults from time to time. This is on top of HHH physically dominating Booker for large chunks of time. It's curious that neither King nor JR bring up that Booker was fighting for shampoo last year at WM. What a success story: From shampoo to World Championship. Book takes a nasty fall after missing a side kick, which leads into the 3rd act: Leg work. A mother fucking INDIAN DEATH LOCK. Lmao. Harlem Hangover. OUTTA NOWHERE! Of course, Booker's bad leg means he can't cover for quite a while, so HHH kicks out when he finally makes it over. However, HHH then hits a pedigree and waits a full 23 seconds before making the pin and....wins. You know what else won? Racism. Title retained.


Hulk Hogan vs Vince McMahon

 
Street Fight

The fuckery that is about to unfold. Can't wait. Man, if Zeus doesn't make an appearance, I'll be hot. Vince is actually more jacked than Hulk. Ax bomba! Oh shit, lariat from Vince! Oh wow, Vince is actually doing limb work. Vince got more psychology than half his roster. Vince's traps are NEXT LEVEL. Oh my god, Hogan/Warrior spots. Vince gets busted open with a chair shot, and we are off to the races. "Right on, brothers!" I never saw Ted Turner bleeding for his company. LMAO Hugo Savinovich out here catching strays. Hogan also gets busted open by a chair shot. And then, it happens: Vince McMahon drops a guillotine leg drop through a table from a ladder. The high spot gods are smiling upon us, friends. Oh, but don't worry, the hits keep on coming. RODDY PIPER hits the ring and hits Hogan with a pipe. Of course, that's not enough to put Hulk down. Referee Brian Hebner tries to prevent Vince from using the pipe, so Vince beats his ass. Crooked official Sylvain Grenier comes out to replace him, and Vince hits the leg drop. HULK IS HULKING UP! Vince should have known better to hit a finisher on Hogan. He only booked him to kick out of every finisher for a decade. Hulk ejects Sylvain, hits TWO leg drops, and Hulkamania continues to run wild, brother Two years in a row old ass Hogan stole the show. After the match, Shane comes out to help his dad, who flips the bird while a bloody mess on the mat. Defiant to the end.  


Steve Austin vs The Rock

The hits keep on coming. Check, check, check, check out my melody. For the 3rd time 4 years, Rock and Austin meet at the show of shows. After taking his ball and going home (TM), Austin would return to the company in February essentially just to have this match. Rock's inability to beat Austin at WM has been eating him alive, and this is likely his last chance. Now, Austin had too much "coffee" and was in the hospital just hours before this. I'm saying he was doing coke, dawgs. Coffee. Please. Austin was living on coke and whiskey during this period. You think I don't know what "going through a rough time back then" means? I'd say it's safe to assume Austin was on some Mexican supplements at the same time. Austin just absolutely beats Rock's ass for the first few minutes. It's clear that the Austin of 2003 was not the Austin of 2001, though. Rock hits a chop block and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL. Rock works the leg for a while, and then puts on Austin's vest. Lol. LOU THESZ LOU THESZ RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. Rock Bottom to Rock! One of the worst stunners of all time to Austin! IT'S WRESTLEMANIA! The thing about this match is that Austin seems like he's in agony with every bump. Look at this shit, you remember when HHH took 25 secs to pin Book after the pedigree and won? Austin took 10 seconds to cover after a stunner and Rock kicked out and people were like OH SHIT. Fucking dying that Rock has been wearing Austin's vest for like half the match. People's elbow! Austin kicked out! Rock Bottom! AUSTIN KICKS OUT! This is actually kind of restrained in comparison to WM17. Another Rock Bottom....AUSTIN KICKS OUT! In this case, it wasn't a OH FINISHER KICK OUT THIS IS AWESOME. That second kick out was Austin's absolute last stand, his last kick out, taking everything he possibly had left. By the time he drags himself to his feet, Rock is able to hold him at will in the set up, and in a way seems to feel bad that he has to hit one more to put Austin out of his misery. From the point of the first Rock Bottom on, you've never seen Stone Cold so vulnerable in a WWE ring. Rock finally defeats Austin at Wrestlemania. After the match, Rock shoves Earl Hebner out of the way so he and Rock can share a personal moment on the mat, later revealed to be Rock saying he loved and appreciated everything Austin had done for him. This was Austin's last match, and he went out on his back. Givin' back to da biz.


Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar WWE Championship

God damn, these four matches in a row might be the most stacked second half of a WM ever. No breathers, just "fuck it, load this shit up". Now, coming into this, Angle knows this is going to be his last match for a while, as he's going to have a neck surgery that he's been putting off for years after this event. If you know anything about Kurt Angle, you have to assume he's going to do something extra stupid because midas well. As you'd imagine, a lot of mat work to start the match. Weirdly, not amateur style grappling, but more like 70s NWA grappling. The same type of stuff that was made fun of for starting HBK/Jericho. They do go into more amateur style stuff after, and Tazz's commentary actually works here, since he can explain what they're doing and why it works. Brock has injured ribs coming into this, which Kurt goes after when he can't get an advantage on the mat.  Lol, a BUCKLE GERMAN SUPLEX! Eventually, the ribs become the sole focus of the match. It's so weird, because Brock is this fucking monster, yet he's fighting from underneath for most of the match against a much smaller guy. It's not like Hogan against a random monster. It's Kurt just throwing Brock all around the ring and Brock relying on his selling to get people into the match. Obviously, there are a million suplexes from both. Holy shit, Brock almost won in the main event of WM with a SPLADLE. That's awesome. Kurt becomes the first man to kick out of the F5. Brock becomes the 700th to break the ankle lock.  Brock hits another F5, then smiles. He climbs up top and tries a shooting star press. OH MY GOD HE LANDED ON HIS FUCKING HEAD. He broke his fucking neck. This mother fucker landed FACE FIRST. He pops up to hit another F5 to win, but he clearly was completely out of it. I'm surprised he didn't throw up in the ring. Title retained.


Having those last 4 matches in a row with no breather matches or even backstage stuff was bold. That's about as stacked as WM gets at that point. Really 5 unless you count the cat fight thing as an actual match. On the other hand, multiple Limp Bizkit performances makes this the worst WM by default. Vince/Hogan was the show stealer for me. I do love high level fuckery, and this was a match with Vince jumping off ladders, Roddy Piper sauntering into the ring like a pervert, and an ANNOUNCER doing a blade job from a chair shot. HBK/Jericho is not the WM classic it is portrayed as, but it was pretty good for the most part. Brock/Angle was disappointing to me now just like it was at the time, but it was pretty good. It's just...I expected them to basically do a shoot style match heavy on the amateur style shit, and they never really got into that in any of their matches.   

Austin/Rock was a big step down from WM 17, but also way ahead of WM 15, and the context of it being Austin's last match and giving his all for that last finisher kick out only to be completely dead after that and be putty in Rock's hands, and Rock both relishing and regretting hitting another Rock Bottom to put him out of his misery really was something. There's definitely a subtext to it that goes a lot deeper than the story of the match itself. 

Over all, a damn fine WM. But god damn that HHH/Booker finish. What the fuck. Even if the whole build wasn't about HHH/Flair shitting on WCW (which Booker, King, and JR all agreed with his assessment of WCW being a joke) and Booker being black, the 23 second delay between pedigree and pin was terrible under any circumstances. It's extra bad when it validates everything racist HHH and Flair said for the prior weeks and months. But then you take the racism aspect out of it and just look at it from the WCW perspective, you have 4 former WCW talents (2 of which are multiple times WCW champs) agree that WCW was a joke. Then HHH beats former WCW joke in a terrible finish, further confirming the jokey nature of WCW. THEN you have Goldberg debut the next night, beat Rock a month later, THEN try to sell a WCW DVD a few months later. You can't have shit both ways, and that's without taking into consideration the HIDEOUS racial implications of it all.

WWF Wrestlemania 18

Returning to the Toronto Skydome after 12 years, there's no better way to start the show than Saliva doing a terrible live performance synced to the intro video. TUNE UP YOUR BASS, BITCH! This will be the last Wrestlemania event under the WWF banner, as the lawsuit with the other WWF would have the company renamed to WWE less than 2 months later.


Rob Van Dam vs William Regal WWF Intercontinental Championship

Oh weird, Regal opens the show against a guy he doesn't have a chance to match up with well for the title two years in a row? RVD just stands around waiting for Regal to pull out the brass knux so he can kick them away. Ref was watching, too. Regal gets his mouth/nose busted open about 90 seconds in. Because of course. Much of this is RVD kicking Regal in the face, and Regal dropping RVD on his neck. RVD recovers after a half nelson suplex to hit a kick to the face and frog splash for the win. New champion!


TO THE LILIAN. Is Christian afraid that lightning might strike twice when he challenges DDP for the European Championship? Of course not, dawg.


Christian vs DDP WWF European Championship

BANG! DDP actually made his WWF debut in this very building at this very event at Wrestlemania 6, driving the Honky Tonk Man to the ring in his pink Cadillac. Is there a worse way to be forever associated with Wrestlemania? It's possible this crowd is bigger than nearly every crowd combined DDP wrestled infront of in the 15 months of WCW. A pretty back and forth match with Christian mostly working the ribs. Oh shit, they did the Deathdrop/Diamond Cutter reversal spot. After multiple attempts, DDP finally hits the Kanyon Cutter OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained.


TO THE COACH. FINALLY, The Rock has come back to...Toronto. To a very mixed reaction already. Mixed is being generous. The Rock wants Hulkamania running wild tonight because...never mind, time to make fun of Coach. Rock then forces Coach to say his prayers. "What up, G?" Rock kicks him out of frame. I wish I knew what this had to do with Hulk Hogan. "Hulk Hogan, whatcha gonna do when The Rock runs wild ON YOU?!?" Oh shit, YOU WILL YOU WILL GOD ALMIGHT YOU WILL SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN' *tears shirt*


Goldust vs Maven WWF Hardcore Championship

Poor Maven doesn't even make it into the ring before Goldy attacks. Shout out to Goldy's all gold weaponry. Both KO each other with trash can lid shots, leading to Spike Dudley sliding in to pin Maven. New champion! Crash Holly chases Spike away.


Drowning Pool come out to play a live version of Tear Away to tell the story of HHH vs Jericho. You'd think WWE would have hired actual music people for these performances. Tech people, I mean. It's obvious they have no idea how to do audio for music performances. They don't even have the audio from a sound board playing on the broadcast. Man, this song is terrible, but I'm pretty sure Bray Wyatt is lead singer.

TO THE BACK. Crash Holly catches up with Spike. Al Snow tries to run them over with a golf cart, crashing into a conveniently placed giant wall of empty cardboard boxes. Then Hurricane flies in OUTTA NOWHERE. New champion! 


Kurt Angle vs Kane

Kurt could definitely be doing more than this, but it is what it is. Kurt hits Kane with the ring bell as Kane's pyro was still going off in the ring. Kane has had "head trauma" that he has yet to recover from. That's called a concussion, Jim, and no medical staff or commission should let Kane compete tonight. Fucking Canada. Is the Skydome actually an Indiana casino? Anyway, the focus is Kane's head. Lots of suplexes, punches, and stomps to the head. They're also both very stiff with each other. Kurt kicks out of the chokeslam via rope break, Kane kicks out of the Angle Slam and powers out of the ankle lock, only to lose to a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE (with feet on the ropes).


TO THE BACK. Hurricane sneaks around the locker room. He happens to find his way into the women's locker room, which leads to a boner joke and Godfather chasing him away.


Undertaker vs Ric Flair


No Disqualification

A blood feud started after Ric Flair's temper got the best of him and he cost Undertaker the championship. Taker would then get his revenge by beating both Arn Anderson and David Flair to a pulp in forcing Flair into a match, also forcing him out of control of WWF in the process. It's been 10 years since Ric Flair has been on a Wrestlemania card. You know, I shit all over Flair/Vader matches for having Flair beat Vader's ass, but Flair coming in and surprising Taker with punches actually makes sense in such a blood feud. And with Flair going past past his prime into old timer with nothing left to lose. So many soup bones and hammocks thrown. Flair takes a nasty try at the Flair Flip, which didn't work at all. It worked the second time, as much as getting booted in the face after can work out. Both are busted open by punches. There are no wrestling moves in this. Just punches and chops and clothelines and boots. You know, like a fucking fight between two men that hate each other. And then, SUPERPLEX OUTTA NOWHERE. "You son of a bitch!" Taker has the match won multiple times, but refuses to end it. Fans are 100% on Flair's side and Taker is getting actual heat. Tides turn when Flair gets a pipe to crack Taker in the head, something that started this whole thing to begin with. #storytelling #fullcircle. Taker is now fully busted open as well. Taker counters a figure four with a chokeslam. Because wrestling lol. But Flair won't give up, and after a ref bump, ARN ANDERSON slides into the ring OUTTA NOWHERE to hit maybe the greatest spinebuster of his life. And Taker still kicks out in maybe the greatest false finish of Taker's career. What a great finish that would have been. But Taker then beats his ass. Double A hitting spinebusters, blading, and taking bumps at a WM in 2002. What a world. Taker simply can't get Flair up for the Last Ride for various reasons (mostly if not all Flair related), so he hits the tombstone to end the match instead. I feel like when people talk about the great Flair/Vader matches, this is actually what those matches should have been, and this is significantly better than those on every possible level. Undertaker is now 10-0 at WM.


TO THE COLE. Booker, in reading glasses, is the guest. Cutting a promo against Edge over a Japanese shampoo commercial. From blood feud to black man wearing glasses to seem smarter and saying dumb things. While being pissed about shampoo.


Booker T vs Edge

LMAO at the sign in the first few rows in  big red letters: THEY ARE FIGHTING OVER SHAMPOO. Says it all. All that push Edge had for 2001, Booker headlining Summerslam with the Rock, all culminating to a WM match over shampoo. Worst of all, it's not impressive and the crowd doesn't give a shit. A sloppy match with plenty of botches. Like Booker landing on Edge after a super rana. Edge kicked out of the ax kick, Edge kicked out of the spear. Then Edge tried a spinarooni. Fuck Edge. Edgeucution DDT gets the duke.


TO THE BACK. Coach catches up with Hurricane, who is still trying to make his way out of the building. "I am not a Hurri-Perv." Mighty Molly shows up and cracks him in the head with a frying pan. New champion! 


Scott Hall vs Steve Austin

The third option here, as Austin was originally going to face Hogan (no one would job), then Nash (no one trusted Nash to put on a good match), so Scott Hall is put into a position of responsibility for the first time in about 4 years. Of course, Big Sexy is with the Medium Sized Mayne. The first time Nash has been at WM since WM 12, the first time for Hall since WM 11.

Hall's personal issues were well known and part of the build. Austin attacks as soon as Hall gets into the ring, opening up a can of whoop ass. OH HELL YEAH T-PLUS FLAG POLE COUGARLIFE.COM WHAT? He also attacks Nash just for fun. Well, when Nash attacks him, you can't blame him. They're really laying shit in here. This is definitely the best Hall has looked in years. Nash removes a turnbuckle pad. Fucking Tim White doesn't see Nash do it, nor does he see when Austin bounces off of it, NOR does he notice it the rest of the fucking match. Pay attention to your surroundings, ref. Christ. Might as well be Ear Hebner in this mug. Austin hits a stunner OUTTA NOWHERE, which leads to Nash attacking the ref and hitting the ref. Of course, Austin fights them both off and hits them with stunners. Jack Doan slides in OUTTA NOWHERE only to immediately get elbow dropped by Nash. Double ref bumps! WCW lives! Fans pop for the Razor's Edge tease, but weren't smart enough to see that Hall was next to the ropes, which ALWAYS means he's going to get back dropped over them. Eventually, Nash gets thrown out, and then HALL hits a stunner. Austin recovers to hit TWO more stunners, one that popped Hall above the top rope. I believe the stunner count in this match is 6, 5 from Austin, 1 from Hall. 


TO AXXESS. Look at all this cool stuff you can do WM weekend! Take a pic with a bronze statue of Stacy's legs and ass! Meet a Scott Hall that looks like he wants to die!


Hardy Boyz vs Dudley Boyz vs APA vs Billy & Chuck WWF Tag Team Championships

Fucking LOOOOOOOL at the DUDLEY BOYZ getting a live entrance. THE DUDLEY BOYZ. In a tag match. Half way through the show. I mean, shout out to Chucky P getting a WM match, but fuck this shit. You can't go from 2 years in a row of crazy ladder multi team tags to a standard four way tag with 2 of those teams. Chuck took a god damn spinebuster on the floor and the camera crews fucking missed it. Spinebuster on the floor from FARROOQ for nothing. APA are eliminated first. Lmao at Chuck clearly doing a handstand to sell a DDT, but selling it like he actually took an impact anyway. His head was multiple inches away from the mat. Jeff spanks, forces himself on Stacy, then throws her off the apron. That's sexual assault, brotha. D-Von takes a huge table bump, then Bubba gets eliminated by the Hardys. Shortly after, Billy hits Jeff with a Fameasser to end the match. Titles retained.


TO THE BACK. Hall is bitching to Nash about Austin getting lucky. They're going to take it out on the Rock. Hogan shows up and asks them to stay in the back tonight. He needs to find out if he's the man on his own. 

TO THE BACK. Molly Holly is looking for cover when she runs into half a door. It was Christian! New champion! 


The Rock vs Hulk Hogan

Hogan's first WM since WM 9. When Hulk returned to the company, he blamed the fans for pushing him out in the first time, claiming he was the only reason fans were still there today. The biggest star of all time. CUT TO: The Rock. 

Fans are definitely on the side of Hogan from the beginning. It makes sense. The nostalgia of Hogan being back in the WWF, Toronto always being one of Hogan's strongholds, and Rock clearly not being long for the wrestling industry. Crowd reaction is IMMENSE. This is really what WM is all about. Icons meeting on the biggest stage. The crowd LOSES ITS SHIT when Hogan starts the match by overpowering Rock. You'll never hear a crowd so hot for headlocks and shoulder blocks in your life. Everything Hogan does gets an insane pop.  Between his last WCW match at Bash at the Beach 2000 and this match, Hulk had had all of 2 singles matches: Against Curt Hennig at an XWF taping, and even more randomly against Rikishi at a house show in Tampa. A show that also featured Bubba The Love Sponge in a match reffed by Gerald Brisco. ANYWAY, Hulk talks mad shit as he dominates Rock. Rock's first big offensive move is met with HEAVY boos. The alpha posturing in this is amazing. Hulk is putting in the most effort into anything he's done since that very brief period in March of 1999 when he somehow got turned face after beating the shit out of David Flair in front of Ric. Is this a technically great match? Of course not. But it is a perfect blend of 80s and 90s WWF main event styles in front of the hottest crowd you could ever ask for. Of course, there's the fuckery of ref bumps and Hogan actually tapping out to a sharpshooter while the ref is down. You'll probably never hear a pop so loud for a low blow this side of Linda kicking Vince in the balls at WM 17.  The weight belt comes off and Rock leans heavily into the heel reaction he's been getting. Hulk kicks out of the Rock Bottom and HULKS THE FUCK UP to an INCREDIBLE REACTION. YOU! Holy shit is there anything more WWF than this? This is perfect. Leg drop! ROCK KICKS OUT OF THE LEG DROP! This is PERFECT! Rock Bottom! Another! People's Elbow! The Rock has defeated Hulk Hogan! 

 

After the match Rock offers his hand to Rock. Hall and Nash then hit the ring and attack Hulk. Rock comes back to make the save and the People's Posedown ensues. 


Jazz vs Trish Stratus vs Lita WWF Women's Championship

Lol, can you imagine having to follow that? Lita and Trish obviously start trying to double team Jazz, but Jazz beats the hell out of both of them. The crowd is COMPLETELY spent, no surprise. But as long as King gets to have a boner all match, right? Crowd only reacts when Lita seemingly tries to rip her shirt off before doing a moonsault. Jazz pinned her with a super fisherman's buster. 


TO THE BACK. Christian finally makes his way out of the arena only to get rolled up by Maven before he can get in his cab. New champion.


Triple H vs Chris Jericho WWF Undisputed Championship

Oh great, ANOTHER terrible live performance. Not even Motorhead. Fucking Drowning Pool again. It's clear no one in WWE had the foresight to realize how poorly it would reflect on the company years later to have giant ads for a CD named after sexual assault being all over a Wrestlemania event. HHH's torso is absurdly dark. Like, Hogan dark. He's also absurdly puffed up. Lol after their first lock up and suddenly Jericho's abs are twice as dark, too. HHH tweaks his bad leg doing the high knee, so that becomes the focus for a while. And then HHH does...leg work. That's right, they're both doing leg work. Jericho accidentally spears Steph, so HHH drags her into the ring to attempt a pedigree. "Don't pedigree that woman!" Reassess your career choice when that's a line you need to say. After something like Rock/Hogan, I don't think anyone was waiting to see a 30 minute methodical match centered around limb work. Even if this didn't have to follow Hogan/Rock, it'd probably be getting about the same reaction from the crowd, because it's pretty dull. The biggest pop in the match was a 260 pound man grabbing a 130 pound woman by her hair and hitting her with a pedigree. Luckily, Jericho BLASTS Hunter with a chair right after. Right in the fucking forehead. "You okay?" I doubt it, Chris. Anyway, HHH wins after a pedigree and ends the show roaring like a dinosaur. New champion.


 Good pacing to the show with the in between matches being time to ride that line of too short and too long, but all of them worked pretty well to reset the crowd for the next marquee match. Hogan/Rock might be THE defining Wrestlemania match. Two icons, titans of the industry, doing melodramatic battle on the biggest stage possible. I'm not sure "showcase of the immortals" has ever been more accurate than during that match. Austin/Hall is slept on. It wasn't great, but it was pretty good considering the mental and physical shape of both men at the time. Taker/Flair might be Flair's greatest performance, and Arn sliding in with the spinebuster might be the spot of the decade. Jericho/HHH would have flopped at any point on the show, because it was way too long and way too boring. 

This is in a lot of ways the start of the "modern" WM formula, with 3-4 "main events", and a focus on returning old timers and part timers that steal the show from the younger talent on the card.

WWF Wrestlemania 17

The apex of the Attitude Era, and the first time in 9 years that WM was in a stadium.


Chris Jericho vs William Regal WWF Intercontinental Championship

This is a match mostly based around Jericho pissing in Regal's tea. And the video package is played over Regal's entrance. Seconds after JR says that the two are like oil and water, Jericho nearly misses a dive. The lack of in ring chemistry is palpable. Regal focuses on the shoulder, which he had softened up on Smackdown. The super hot crowd has already died down for the most part. Hard to blame them. These guys just don't mesh. Jericho won with the Lionsault. Weird that he paused before making the pin, but it didn't lead to a kick out from Regal. Title retained.


TO THE BACK. The WCW 1 limo arrives. It's Shane McMahon! BUT WHO WAS LIMO?! Elsewhere, The APA and Jackie talk. This is just an excuse for JBL to throw in as many Astrodome references that he can while getting hyped up for the match.


Right To Censor vs Tazz/APA

Val and Tazz start the match. Jackie almost immediately gets involved, DDTing Stevie Richards right in front of the ref. For some reason, the bell hadn't rang yet (even though dudes were in the ring wrestling) so it was okay. Tazz is a MESS in this, being completely blown up in 90 seconds, literally falling while running the ropes. Twice. Val gets killed with a back superplex. Bradshaw pins Godfather with the clothesline from hell in a very short match. I doubt it was even five minutes long.


TO THE BACK. Stephanie speaks to her comatose mother before giving Trish some very detailed instructions on how to crush ice.


Raven vs Big Show vs Kane WWF Hardcore Championship

This is about a half hour into the show, and this is going to take place mostly backstage. Not off to a hot start for the "greatest" WM. Of course, this quickly heads to the floor, then then into the crowd, and then TO THE BACK. Big Show has a great idea to pad lock a gate shut so he can pin Raven without Kane's interference. Little did he realize that a pad lock on a lifting latch doesn't work. Raven gets tossed through a window, and Kane gets put through a door of a locker room thing that looks like it was built the day of WM. And the walls get smashed. After lots of mindless dumb "hardcore" shit, the match comes back out to the stage. Kane whiffs on a kick that nonetheless sends Show and Raven crashing off the stage onto a dusty crash pad. Kane jumps on them and pins one of them. New champion. That was a match. I guess.


TO THE BACK. Kurt Angle is watching himself tap out to Benoit over and over. Edge and Christian try to make post-show party plans. Kurt isn't hearing any of it. He never officially tapped if there was not a ref, a match, or a bell.


TO WWF NEW YORK. Jimmy Snuka is hanging out watching the show .

TO THE COACH. Coach speaks with Linda Craftsman, who flew 30 hours from Brisbane, Australia. And it's her first WWF event ever. 

TO THE BACK. The Rock has arrived. Very noticeably mixed reaction for him.


Eddie Guerrero vs Test WWF European Championship

Test dominates the first few minutes. JR reveals that he has a hat fetish. Gross. Test gets his foot stuck in the ropes, and Eddie has to help him get free. Not even taking cheap shots or anything. In fact, he clearly asks Tests if he's okay. Eddie then focuses on the leg, which does not appear to be what the original plan for the match was, since they're both stalling and looking confused. Test's comeback is stopped with a low blow. JR makes racially based comments, which is weird since he's the face announcer. Paul calls him on it, but JR ignores it. Saturn hits his finisher, which isn't enough to get the pin. Eddie gets laid out with the big boot. However, Dean Malenko came out to cause a distraction, allowing Eddie to hit Test with the belt for the win. New champion. Very awkward match.


TO THE COLE. Michael asks Foley if he can be impartial ref in the McMahon vs McMahon match.

TO THE BACK. Steve Austin has arrived.


Kurt Angle vs Chris Benoit

An hour in, the show finally has something that should be more Raw filler. Weirdly, Kurt does his normal comedy promo before the match, after being shown to be ultra serious and even obsessive backstage with E&C. They're on that Jack Brisco shit. Lots of scrambles, lots of amateur stuff. And it's pretty even, despite one being an olympic gold medalist in wrestling. Benoit repeatedly nearly gets the Crossface on, which makes Kurt lose his temper and throw the first strike. The tables and stairs come into play, as Paul points out how great of a tranisition Angle has made from top level amateur to Federation style wrestler. And it's true. Kurt picked it up SO FAST. Just the difference from Survivor Series 1999 to April 2000 is shocking. JR directly compares Angle to Jack Brisco. I definitely see it. If Kurt hadn't had the neck issues and settled into his fairly nonsensical formula match, he could have been one of the GOATs. The suplexes start coming from both directions. Benoit ends up getting Kurt in the ankle lock, breifly. Angle locks on the crossface. Considering what the main event will be, I'm not sure finisher spam and trading in a midcard match is wise. Kurt taps out, although the ref had been bumped, so it didn't count. Kurt almost hits the moonsault. Benoit got his knees up, which seemed to hit Kurt in the throat/sternum/face. Kurt wins with a roll up (and handful of tights) OUTTA NOWHERE. This started good, but really took a hit once they started doing a traditional WWF match instead of the cool ass amateur stuff they started with. The change came as soon as Angle threw the fist strike, and you can see them get more and more finisher trading/spammy/Attitudinal every few moves from that point. 


TO THE COLE. William Regal is asked if he's okay, since he's been with the trailer for about an hour. Then he finds Kamala and Kimchee fucking about in his office.

TO THE PEP RALLY. Feel good "we support the troops" video package.

TO THE HERMIE. Kevin Kelly tells Kurt he has to respect Benoit now. Kurt doesn't. He's the best in the WWF! Benoit attacks and puts him in the crossface. Kurt taps. Again.


Chyna vs Ivory WWF Women's Championship

Ivory attacks before the bell, trying to reinjure Chyna's neck. It doesn't work. Chyna squashes Ivory. New champion.


TO THE BACK. Vince makes sure that Linda is medicated and that Trish knows when to bring Linda out. Cole pops in to ask about Shane buying WCW. Vince won't hear anything about it.


Shane McMahon vs Vince McMahon Street Fight Special Guest Referee: Mick Foley

The remaining WCW crew are in one of the sky boxes. I think this was Mike Sanders' only on screen WWF appearance. Look at Johnny Ace's mullet. And look at how pathetic the roster is. No Booker, no DDP, not even Kidman. Lance Storm or Hugh Morris is the biggest star in that group. Vince starts the match by slapping and choking his son. How awkward. Everything about this match and angle is awkward. Everything about the McMahon family, really. Steph wearing a Daddy's Girl cat suit, slapping her brother (who already has a black eye forming because his dad stiffed him). It's certainly ugly. Punches either completely miss or are actual punches. Steph saves Vince from the leap of faith elbow in the first big spot of the match. This must have been the cue for Trish to bring Linda out. Trish slaps Vince. Stephanie slaps Trish. So now you have "Daddy's Girl" fighting with Daddy's mistress as mommy is in a wheel chair, comatose. Steph also slaps Foley. She runs away from him. Trish follows.  This is some Russo-tier fuckery. At the same time, Vince calls Linda a bitch and appears to be preparing to attack her. Foley saves the day. As a response, Vince gives Foley his last WWE concussion. Vince is either going to rape or beat Linda. Probably rape. Shane comes back to life only for a bunch of trash cans to come into play. You see, Linda is going to be forced to watch Vince beat Shane. Linda stands up and kicks Vince in the balls. SWERVE! What a massive reaction. Foley beats the shit out of Vince, setting up for Shane to hid the Van Terminator for the win. 70% of the match was Shane taking a nap after the table bump while Steph/Trish/Linda got their fuckery on.


TO THE BACK. HHH prepares. Elsewhere, Taker shadow boxes IN THE SHADOWS.


Hardy Boys vs Dudley Boys vs Edge & Christian WWF Tag Team Championships TLC Match

I'm not sure these matches are fun to watch anymore. Consider that of the six men, two retired with neck and/or brain damage, two are drug addled messes, and the Dudleys are still cunts. Now being able to see the consequences of these matches, it is not the most enjoyable experience. At some point, Rhyno/Spike/Lita get involved, basically making this a 9 person TLC. Christian grabs the titles while on Rhyno's shoulders. Of course there is no story of any kind in the match. It's just setups for dangerous spots. And for what? It's not like they were adding to their craft by doing a stunt show. They destroyed their bodies for a match that, ultimately, was meaningless because it just let to a glut of more and increasingly dangerous matches that ended up shortening careers and starting drug addictions. Not only that, it influenced an entire generation of wrestlers and writers to come up with excuses to do these kind of matches as often as they could, leading to injuries and shortened careers for a lot more people than those directly involved in this specific match. 


TO THE AXXESS. More self-congratulatory shit.


Gimmick Battle Royal

Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan return to the WWF to call the action. Participants in the match: The Bushwhackers (FUCK), Duke The Dumpster Drose, Iron Sheik, Earthquake, THE GOON, Doink, Kamala (FUCK), Repo Man, Jim Cornette (FUCK), Nikolai Volkoff, Michael Hayes (FUCK FUCK FUCK), One Man Gang, Gobbledy Gooker, Tugboat, Hillbilly Jim (FUCK), Brother Love (FUCK), Sgt. Slaughter.

I think entrances lasted longer than the match. Sheik won on the basis that there was no way for him to take a bump over the top rope. Sarge puts him in the cobra clutch afterwards. The highlight was definitely Brain and Gene clearly having a blast. I should also note that multiple names were misspelled on the entrance cards. I'm pretty disgusted that Michael Hayes got a WM pay day.


Triple H vs The Undertaker

Shout to Lemmy, who looked like death 15 years before he died. And this was a terrible performance, but not even the worst Motorhead at WM performance. Now, I have to ask you, how are you supposed to think Taker is cooler when he comes out to Limp Bizkit after HHH had Motorhead write a song for him and then perform it for his entrance? The match starts out on the floor, and technically the Spanish announce table is broken before the bell even rings. HHH seems to have Taker's number, having counters for all of Taker's signature moves. HHH gets his sledgehammer out, which leads to a ref bump like...six minutes in. And then Taker bumps the ref again for not counting fast enough. So...the match really should be thrown out. Instead, it becomes a defacto street fight. HHH gets back dropped right beside Rock's mom. Imagine if he landed on her. After brawling through the crowd, things head up to the hard cam area. HHH beats the shit out of Taker with a chair, bending it all up. Taker chokeslams him off the structure onto an obvious crash pad. This is a match where Undertaker gets blasted in the head with a sledgehammer, not even HHH's weird protect shot but just slammed into his head while doing a powerbomb, and he kicked out and still won with the Last Ride. All flash, no substance. Again.


The Rock vs Steve Austin WWF Championship


This is the Warrior/Hogan for the next generation, and I'd argue there really hasn't been a match this big at WM since. What people never want to talk about is how awkwardly inserted Debra was into the story. This match was made no DQ earlier in the day by Commissioner Regal. Austin attacks before the bell. He NEEDS to win this match. More than anything. Finishers are teased early on. Unlike Hogan/Warrior, which was two super muscled, super energetic, super faces, this is the battle of two anti-heroes in black. Which really points out the difference between Golden and Attitude eras. Neither are "good" guys, and both are more than willing to cheat to win a match if need be. Rock is busted open. The crowd is firmly behind Austin. Probably 80/20 in Austin's favor. It's a very strange atmosphere. Austin is now also busted open. Everything that can be used at ringside is used. The WM13 Austin/Bret finish is referenced. Austin gets so desperate that he brings back both the stun gun and Million Dollar Dream, which in turn led to a reference to Piper/Bret from WM8. Rock had Austin pinned, but VINCE MCMAHON broke the pin. Austin nearly wins with the Rock Bottom. Earl takes another bump. Austin tells Vince to blast Rock with a chair. Rock kicks out, and now the audience that was 80/20 in Austin's favor is 60/40 in ROCK's favor. Stunner. Rock kicks out. Vile chair shot. Rock kicks out.  Austin pounds on Rock with about 15 chair shots. New champion! Vince and Austin shake hands. The Attitude Era's finale ends with Vince and Austin celebrating together over Rock's corpse.

THIS actually is a classic. As much as I shit on the Attitude Era, this took all the best parts of it, with the two guys who were best at it, and they had a war with more emotion and story than anything on the show by a very large margin. People say Austin's heel turn was a bad idea (including Austin), but I completely disagree. He had done everything there possibly was to do as the top face. The story of the match and build dictated that he was willing to do absolutely ANYTHING to beat Rock, because he needed to beat Rock. This is a story of Austin realizing his spot was in jeopardy, after Rock's superstardom, HHH beating in in 2/3 falls, Taker being back and looking for the title, guys like Jericho/Angle/Benoit quickly rising to the top of the card. He gave Rock everything he could, and it wasn't enough, so he had to go in with Vince. It's great. Great storytelling in and out of the ring. That they were doing call backs to Bret's best WM matches as well as Austin pulling out finishers from past gimmicks just adds so much more to it.


This certainly is not deserving of the GOAT WM. At all. Austin/Rock is a certified classic. Everything else is filler or big flashy matches with no substance.  TLC was one of 300 matches exactly like it. Shane/Vince was nothing but shitty punches, Shane napping for ten minutes, then a bunch of action from people not even in the match. Taker/HHH seemed to start out with a story in mind, but they dropped it to turn it into a typical Attitude Era brawl. Benoit/Angle started similarly, then devolved into Attitude Era finisher spam and counters. So, this leaves the show with Austin/Rock being the only thing I'd tell people they really need to see. And it is a classic, no doubt. But not enough to raise this show to the mythological heights it seems to have gone to over the years. Having watched this and WM7 pretty much back to back, I can say without hyperbole that I think 7 is a much better show.




WWEStroComment
WWF Wrestlemania 10

10 years of Wrestlemania! Can you believe it? Back where it all began, Madison Square Garden. Little Richard sings America The Beautiful.


Bret Hart vs Owen Hart

Regardless of outcome, Bret will face the winner of Yokozuna vs Lex Luger for the WWF Championship in the main event. This is genuinely the first time Bret and Owen have squared off against each other, even including house shows. In the early moments, Owen actually out does Bret multiple times. There is a sizable chunk of the MSG crowd that is supporting Owen. As tends to happen with brothers, tempers flair early. Especially with the younger brother being a little shit head. When Owen slaps Bret, I've been on both sides of that while wrestling with cousins. When you're the younger sibling/cousin, you're going to take liberties and be a little asshole. And then one day you're the older one and this little shit slaps you and you see red. It's the responsibility of the elder to keep his cool in these types of confrontations. That's actually something brought up by Vince, wondering if Bret will have the killer instinct to put his little brother away. What is clear is that Owen has the killer instinct. He uses all kinds of cheap shots and then uses the ring post to begin focusing on Bret's back. Owen's belly to belly really was a work of art, wasn't it? This is very much worked like a mid-late 80s Stampede match, which is pretty dope to me. Good thing Taker isn't on this show, because he'd probably be HOT at the use of a tombstone in this. A tombstone was basically a suplex in Stampede, though. I'm sure he'd be extra hot when Bret was on offense about 30 seconds after taking a tombstone. Neither Vince nor King brought up Taker. Bret tweaks his knee late in the match, giving Owen a big opening to end the match. Bret fires back, with OWEN being the one to take the sternum bump in the corner, and piledriver of his own from Bret. Bret tries a victory roll, and Owen counters it to win COMPLTELY clean. I love this. It could have gone on another 20 minutes as far as I'm concerned. 


TO THE TODD. Todd caught up with Owen, still having spittle in the corner of his mouth. Owen is now officially the best there is, was, and ever will be. 

Oh shit, SY SPERLING is introduced, showing he's latest work: The Fink with hair. 


Bam Bam Bigelow/Luna Vachon vs Doink/Dink

Fuck. How do you follow up a classic like Bret/Owen with this trash? Doink isn't even Matt Bourne anymore, it's Ray Apollo, who before being Doink was likely best known as doing a few NJPW matches and being teamed up with Rocco Rock (as Sgt. Kreuger) at Starrcade 1990. Peep Vince's Mid Atlantic accent coming out when he says, "water". If Bam Bam doesn't squash Dink, fuck everything. Why are Dink and Luna having a better match than Doink and Bam Bam? This shit is absurd. LMAO at Bam Bam and Luna trying to squish Dink after the match only for Luna to actually land on Dink accidentally. 


OH SHIT IT'S PRESIDENT CLINTON! In the box with President Tunney. And IRS.    


Randy Savage vs Crush

Falls Count Anywhere

A feud so hot even Vince was taking bumps on TV for it. This will be Macho's final Wrestlemania, and he starts it appropriately by flying outside and attacking Crush at the entrance. Crush hits a snake eyes on the guard rail, the same thing that happened at the Macho/Crush summit and kicked this whole thing off. Crush scores the pin, and Macho has 60 seconds to get back to the ring. So it's actually more of a Texas death match, but since that wasn't explained, everyone was like wtf when Macho got pinned in 40 seconds. Lol, the pinfalls have to happen outside of the ring. And then you have 60 seconds to get back in. So you have Macho hitting the elbow drop, rolling Crush to the floor, and pinning him. This dumb shit. Crush's head audibly cracks off the ring post and he stiffens up right after, so I'm sure that will be great for the rest of the match. Things head TO THE BACK, where Randy ties up Crush's feet and uses a pulley to hang him upside down on some scaffolding equpiment. Crush, on account of being a little tied up, can't make it back to the ring. What a stupid match, a shitty end to a shockingly good feud, and a limp finish to Randy's WWF career. 


TO THE TODD. Todd gets a few words with President Clinton. This is all just to set up a joke about the Clinton's tax issues at the time. 

TO THE FANFEST! Like Axxess, but smaller.

TO THE PARAMOUNT THEATRE: Macho celebrates with fans in the theatre.


Leilani Kei vs Alundra Blayze WWF Women's Championship

No one is interested in this. Madusa wins with the German suplex. If you're MADe in the USA, why is your move a GERMAN suplex?

 
 

TO THE TODD. Todd tries to talk to Rhonda Shear only for HBK to swoop in and steal his lady. Then Burt Reynolds steals her and tells Shawn to shave his chest.


The Quebecers vs Men on a Mission WWF Tag Team Championships

Man, what the fuck. This is WRESTLEMANIA. MOM won via count out. In a title match. At WRESTLEMANIA.


Rhonda Shear and Donnie Walberg come out to mostly indifference and some boos. Rhonda will be the time keeper, while Dawny is the special announcer. I'm not sure NKOTB is the same target audience as a Yokozuna match.


Lex Luger vs Yokozuna WWF Championship

Special Referee: Mr. Perfect

Whoever wins, we all lose, because having Lex or Yoko doing double duty is fucking stupid. The winner of this match will face Bret in the main event. Lex is trying his hardest, so that should give you an idea of who is going to win. Of course, this is boring as shit, because Yoko is 500 pounds and has to wrestle again in an hour. Hope you like your nerve holds, brehs. Lex slams Yoko, kind of. He follows that by KOing Yoko with the metal forearm. Cornette and Fuji get in the ring, so Lex beats them up. Perfect checks on them and Lex shoves him to count the pin, so Perfect disqualifies him. You read that right. It's WRESTLEMANIA and they just followed a title match ending by count out with a title match ending by DQ. LOUD BULLSHIT chants break out, loud enough that Vince has to acknowledge it. 


TO THE TODD. Todd tried to get Perfect's reasoning on this shit. Lex follows them to the back and officials have to keep them separated.

Harvey Wippleman gives Fink a whole lot of shit, then rips his tex. So Fink shoves him. This brings out Adam Bomb, and then Earthquake.


Adam Bomb vs Earthquake

Quake squashes Adam. Completely. Zero offense from Adam. Quake wins in like 30 seconds.


TO THE TODD. Cornette and Yoko celebrate their win. 


Razor Ramon vs Shawn Michaels WWF Intercontinental Championship

Ladder Match

They can't possibly run a bullshit finish to this...can they? Can't put it past them at this point, I suppose. It doesn't take long for Diesel to get involved and ejected for said involvement. What does take a while is for the ladder to get involved. It's a good few minutes into the match, and by that point there had been multiple floor bumps. HBK uses the ladder first. Jesus Christ, he's just chucking it across the ring lmao. Christ. A good chunk of the audience definitely got to see HBK's balls. Of course, HBK is the one jumping from the ladder repeatedly, and Razor has basically been all but dead since the ladder first made its way into the match. And that same ladder is what turns the tide for Razor. Live by the ladder...or something like that. And when the ladder is used as a melee weapon, there is no bullshit set the ladder up as a teeter totter nonsense, it's just blasting each other as hard as they can. Through all the abuse, the ladder gets bent to shit. Eventually, HBK gets knocked off the ladder and gets his leg caught in the ropes. Razor is able to climb the ladder and grab both titles, becoming the undisputed IC champ. Now, HBK did most of the heavy lifting, but this sure was something. A first of its kind in the WWF (televised, at least), and it still puts the spot heavy ladder matches that came in its wake to shame because it feels like an actual match instead of a stunt show. 


TO THE BACK. A collection of heels argue about who will be team captain, so the 10 man tag that was scheduled doesn't happen. Because they couldn't decide on a captain.


TO THE TODD. The President has a meeting with Ted DiBiase. Ted tries to buy him off. 


Bret Hart vs Yokozuna WWF Championship

Special Referee: Roddy Piper

God damn it, I can never escape Piper. Yoko enters first, Bret limps out, and Yoko attacks as Bret enters the ring. Hey guess what? That 500 pound dude you saw have a 15 minute match earlier? He's still fucking worn out. What a shocker. That anyone thought it was a good idea to have Yoko do double duty is astounding. Cornette pulls Piper out of the ring during a pin, so Piper decks him. Can you imagine those two squealing and squeaking at each other for 10 minutes? Fuck. This match is SO SLOW. SO DULL. Yoko falls off the ropes doing the banzai drop, which allows Bret to pin him. That's seriously the finish to the main event of Wrestlemania. A fat guy loses his balances on the ropes and gets pinned. New champion. Some of the bigger faces come out to celebrate with Bret. Owen also comes out, and while he's offered open ropes, he looks on with bitterness and jealously. 


Even with the genuine WM classics that are Bret/Owen and Razor/HBK, this show is DOG SHIT. Everything that isn't those two matches are as shitty as you can get. To the point where a show with two classic matches is probably in the bottom 5 WMs of all time.

WWF Wrestlemania 9

I love when WWF shows would start with music straight out of Lethal Weapon. Gorilla Monsoon is the host, who introduces us to the latest member of the WWF broadcast team: Jim Ross. Caesar and Cleopatra make their way to ringside via elephant. Isn't it weird that baby elephants are like....small adult elephants? Macho is brought out by some hot broads. Brain comes out on a camel. Backwards. Lmao at Macho pulling up Brain's toga so everyone can see his balls. While giving the thumbs up. 


Shawn Michaels vs  Tatanka WWF Intercontinental Championship

Luna Vachon is making her WWF debut as HBK's manager. Sensational Sherri comes out to watch the match, looking STACKED. Tatanka is still undefeated, and has 2 wins over HBK recently. Things start pretty slow with headlocks and whatnot, then Tatanka gets a big flurry of offense starting with a super arm drag. After a DDT, HBK hurts his shoulder, and that becomes Tatanka's focus. Luckily, HBK's feet work. Superkick. OUTTA NOWHERE. Tatanka fires up and scores a series of near falls. HBK pulled the ref out of the ring at one point. Tatanka hit the End of the Trail, but the ref called for the bell, meaning Tatanka wins via DQ, and HBK retains his title. This is EASILY the best match of Tatanka's career by a very, very wide margin. After the match, Luna attacked Sherri. Tatanka helped her to the back.


TO THE MEAN GENE. The Steiners are his guests. They're going to make their first (and last) WM a memorable one.


Headshrinkers vs Steiner Brothers

SST/Steiners feud is reignited! With JR calling the action, too. Scott and Fatu begin the match. Things get heated in a hurry. Unsurprisingly, things get heated with Samu and Rick, as well. A lot of stiff shots in this, as you'd expect. Scott takes an INSANE hot shot that sees him straight up take a header over the ropes and lawn dart to the floor. Jesus Christ. That's followed with Afa breaking a kendo stick on his back. Man, if this was a jobber match, that would have been the finish. Obviously after such a horrible bump, Scott is FIP for quite a while. Rick finally gets that hot tag and makes the cardinal mistake of trying to double noggin knocker two Samoans. They immediately double headbutt him. YA DUMBSHIT. Then SST randomly attempt a Doomsday Device, which is countered by a powerslam from Rick. I think that was first done to Bobby Eaton in 1991 or 1992. Scott hits a looooooool worthy Frankensteiner on Samu OUTTA NOWHERE to win the match. Very fun, very stiff.

Headshrinkers hot shot to Scott Steiner.gif

TO THE MEAN GENE. Doink is the guest, and he's desecrated the visage of Julius Caesar. 


Crush vs Doink

Doink tries to play a prank on Crush by squirting him with water before the match, but all it did was piss Crush off. Crush beats the clown's ass around the ring and ringside for a few minutes until Doink hits a desperation rope stunner. From there, it seems like a lot of his focus is on the head and neck of Crush. Doink keeps trying to sneak under the ring, and then there is a ref bump. A second Doink shows up OUTTA NOWHERE and blasts Crush with a fake arm. The two Doinks do a mirror act, and the real Doink pins Crush. A second ref (Fonzie) comes out to tell Joey Marella to check under the ring. IT WAS AN ILLUSION! The second Doink is nowhere to be found.


TO THE TODD. Todd is in the cheap seats , asking what the Japanese photographers saw. 


Razor Ramon vs Bob Backlund

Bob seems so excited for this. This could have been a weirdly interesting match, but instead it's a sub 4 minute match ending with a small package OUTTA NOWHERE from Razor. I think Razor was super sick or something the day before, though.


TO THE MEAN GENE. It's Money Inc.! Ted bringing out his white money tux. #bigfightfeel. 


Money Inc. vs Mega Maniacs WWF Tag Team Championships

Vlad the Superfan sighting! That mother fucker is EVERYWHERE. This is Hogan's first match back since WM 8. Well, one house show match a few weeks before this, but this is his official return after a year off. Beefcake has had all of 2 matches in 3 years, so this should be something. How Jack Tunney signed this to be a title match is anyone's guess. A team with a combined 4 years of time off who hadn't had a match together in 3 years. Why do they deserve a title shot? Some serious questions need to be asked about Jack Tunney's match making. Hogan feels SO out of place here, too. It really felt like the WWF had moved on in his absence, and now he's back and it's like the first time you go back home after moving out. Hogan has an eye that is all fucked up and stitched up. The real story has been disputed for years. Some say it was a boating accident. Some say it was a fight with Randy Savage. The storyline explanation is that Hogan had a weightlifting accident. God, that Beefcake suicide note promo on Raw. Who the fuck cleared that shit? Beefcake is wearing a titanium face mask after destroying his face in a parasailing accident back in 1990. Storyline it was because of Money Inc busting his face with IRS' briefcase. Man, Hogan looks smaller than he did at WM 8, and he looked half as big at WM 8 than he did at WM 7. That damn steroid trial. Let's get things clear, here. Hogan and Beefcake are part timers at best. Ted is on his last legs as a competitor. Which makes IRS the best talent in this match. Money Inc. try to leave, only for an announcement that they'd lose the titles if they walked out being made. Hogan actually ends up as the FIP in this match. I'd love to shit on this match for how garbage it is, but the crowd is very hot for it. The Halliburton is gold for WM, and it finds its way to Beefcake's back. Bruti's mask comes off, and then there is a ref bump. The mask itself becomes a weapon used by Hogan. Lmao, Jimmy Hart turns his jacket inside out, which happens to be striped, and then he counts the pin. Hogan and Beefcake then celebrate as if they actually won because their manager counted the pin. A second ref comes down and disqualifies Hogan for using the mask. About fucking time Hogan got disqualified for cheating. These fucking dolts. Jimmy convinces Hulk/Brutus not to attack Danny Davis, so he throws him out to the ring himself. And then the Mega Maniacs celebrate with Hogan's music as if they actually won. "Time to party!" Post match sees them open the Halliburton, which reveals a brick, some tax forms, and a bunch of cash. 


TO THE TODD. Todd catches up with Natalie Cole, who did NOT get any of the money from the Mega Manaics, and then Dan Reichartz, CEO of Caesars Palace.

TO THE PERFECT GENE. Mr. Perfect! Lex Luger has been KOing people left and right lately, including WWF Champion Bret Hart this morning at a brunch event. But Mr. Perfect is perfect, so he's not worried about it. Loooool, Perfect fucks up trying to say the Narcissist AND Lex Luger. Perfection.


Lex Luger vs Mr. Perfect

Perfect frustrates Lex with his speed in the first few minutes. Lex's power and cheap shots change things. Perfect works the leg. After some gnarly chops from Perfect, Lex does a strong Irish whip that aggravates the chronic back injury of Perfect's. It's like we have a match going on here or something. Perfect makes a come back, but Lex does a backslide and actually gets PERFECT's legs in the ropes for leverage to steal the win. I don't think I've ever actually seen that as a finish before. After the match, Lex KO'd Perfect with the metal forearm. Unless Lex has a match with Bret somewhere floating around on an old Colosseum Home Video tape from a very specific 4 month period, this is for sure Lex's best WWF match. And probably Perfect's best between 1991-1993 that didn't involve Bret Hart.


TO THE BACK. Mr. Perfect finds Lex and continues the fight. HBK joined in and attacked Perfect. Pefect Ls.


Giant Gonzalez vs Undertaker

Taker comes out on a Roman funeral chariot, and has a vulture with him. A vulture that doesn't appear to be happy to be there. Man, Gonzalez really was something. That fucking monster. Taker is legitimately 6'10ish and is standing on the second rope. The distance he is above Giant from that point is less than the distance Giant is above Taker when they're both on the mat. Lmao, blatant low blow from Gonzalez. Dead balls walkin'. Petty as fuck. It's a shame that Gonzalez can't really do much, but Taker is really bumping his ass off for him. Giant has the GOAT Punch Out selling. Harvey throws a chloroform rag into the ring while Giant headbutts Paul Bearer. Fonzie sees Giant trying to kill Taker with this, but doesn't immediately call for the bell. He just lets him use it for a while, then gives him a 5 count and disqualifies him. Taker gets taken away on a strecher, Fonzie gets chokeslammed, then Taker returns from his grave, much to the giant's chagrin. Taker puts him down with a flying clothesline and police escort the big man out.


TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hulk Hogan is here to give his thoughts on the main event. Between Hogan's disgusting eye and bumbling over his promo, this shit is weird. "Ya know, Bret Hart, a warning to the wise, brother. You're a brother, you're a Hulkamaniac, and since so many people are stepping over the line, I want you to watch this Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji like a cat, brother. I want you to watch every move. And I also want you to know, brother, that me and my Hulkamaniacs are on your side. But as I looked into the eyes of Bret Hart just a few minutes ago, Mean Gene, I know the power of Hulkamania. I know the greatness of Hulkamania. And as I looked into Bret Hart's eyes, I even questioned Hulkamania's own greatness. That's why right now, Bret Hart, I'm issuing the challenge to either you or the Jap, brother. Whoever wins the WWF title, I want the first shot at it. But let me tell you something, Mean Gene: With me, all my Hulkamaniacs, and the attitude that Bret Hart has, I guarantee ya, dude, the WWF title is staying right here in the WWF, right here in the USofA. And whatcha gonna do?"

Did this mother fucker really waltz back in after a year, put himself over, then say he was going to take Bret's title, while also insinuating that Bret was a dirty American, AND a Hulkamaniac who will need Hulkamania to win? This fuckin' guy.


Yokozuna vs Bret Hart WWF Championship

So Bret's already had a pretty rough day, getting KO'd by Lex at the god damn brunch. Imagine getting knocked out at a BRUNCH. By a forearm, not mimosas. Oh shit, Bret starts the match with a shotgun dropkick. OUTTA NOWHERE. Fists of fury, dawgs. It doesn't work out. But what does work is Bret using the ropes to trip and tie Yoko up, getting him down on the mat where he can do some damage. Of course, Yoko being on his feet again negates that advantage completely. But LOL at the USA chants. Y'all know Bret is Canadian.  So this crowd is cheering a for a Canadian who is facing an American born Samoan pretending to be Japanese in a a fake Rome in the middle of Las Vegas. Wrasslin. Brain actually brings up how stupid the chant was. Bret gets multiple come back spots, only to get crushed every time. Using his speed to confuse and frustrate Yoko every chance he gets. A turnbuckle gets exposed, and Yoko's fat face finds its way to hit it. Bret then attempts the Sharpshooter, and actually gets it on. Fuji throws salt in Bret's eyes to break the hold. Yokozuna pins Bret. New champion! Hulk Hogan storms to the ring, trying to tell Earl Hebner what happened. Mr. Fuji and Yoko actually challenge Hogan. They'll even put the title on the line. RIGHT NOW. Bret tells him to do it.


Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna WWF Championship

Fuji accidentally salts Yoko. Ax Bomba. Leg drop. New champion! Say what you want about the booking decision here, Caesars Place lost their shit for Hogan's win. For sure the biggest reaction of the night. 


Not only is this not the all time worst show that people have been claiming for years, it's actually quite good. Certainly better than the years before and the next few after. 

Tatanka and Yoko had their career matches, Lex had his WWF career match, Crush had probably his best match, the outdoor venue was neat. The effort was certain there for this show. A bunch of angles were set up for the next 5 months of TV: Pefect vs HBK, Luna vs Sherri and presumably Tatanka and Luna's new guy, more fuckery with Crush/Doink, gimmick fuckery with Taker/Giant Gonzalez, Steiners vs Money Inc for the titles, Lex vs Bret, Hogan vs Yoko, and eventually Hogan vs Bret. Now, wrestling is wrestling and Hogan is Hogan, so some plans changed, but just about everything on the show set up one or two new angles coming out of it. Well booked and well performed show.

I think it's unfair to judge this show based on what DIDN'T happen after than hwat happened on the show itself, which was TV through August set up with multiple intersecting angles all leading to Hogan putting Bret over to truly usher in the New Generation. Now, Hogan certainly Hogan'd and ruined some of the plans, and Bret definitely got the shaft in the end, but on this night, in front of this crowd, let me tell you something, brother, the people were happy to see Hulk Hogan as WWF Champion again, dude.

WWF Wrestlemania 8

It's a DOUBLE MAIN EVENT. IT's WRESTLEMANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Vince's growl was next level that year, god damn. Welcome to the Hoosier Dome from "beautiful" downtown Indianapolis. Reba McEntire sings the national anthem, because you know, everyone in Indiana listens to country music.


Tito Santana vs Shawn Michaels

Fucking lol at going from the national anthem in a "conservative" state and immediately following it with a Mexican dressed as a Spanish bullfighter with traditional Mexican entrance music. Of course Tito got booed. So did HBK, so we're off to a great start. VLAD THE SUPERFAN IN THE HOUSE! Brain making daylight savings jokes hit too close to home. Tempers flare early on. Tito's experience is causing HBK a lot of trouble. Lots of headlock takeovers in this. HBK gets in control after throwing Tito over the top rope. He hits a superkick shortly after, which was still a transition/set up move to his actual finisher, the Teardrop suplex. Tito hit a slingshot variation of the flying burrito, which was pretty neat as this era didn't really have finisher variations. He hits a normal version, and HBK rolls to the floor, then falls on Tito when being pulled back into the ring for the win. Not even Sherri holding Tito's leg or anything. Odd. "This man's the star of the 90s, Monsoon." 


TO THE MEAN GENE. LOD are the guests out on the arena floor. Gene soaks in the reaction for them. With them, for the first time in the WWF, is Precious Paul Ellering. "I have returned!" He came to get even. Which is weird, since no one in the WWF has done anything to him. Animal is very hot at Jimmy Hart. This goes on for a long time for a PPV interview. I'm not sure why this was done on the PPV to begin with.

TO THE MOON. Sean asks Jake Roberts about the rumors of Jake bringing a snake to the ring tonight. We're shown clips of Jake hitting Paul Bearer with the DDT and attacking Taker with a chair on the Funeral Parlor. 



Jake Roberts vs The Undertaker

Why the fuck is The Undertaker so over in Indy? The fuck?  1992 Taker was still boring as fuck, and completely unengaging as a character. Jake was very, very tan for this match. Jake is definitely the star here, with his selling and reactions to Taker's complete lack of reaction to anything. This is pretty much entirely Jake throwing punches that Taker no sells, then Taker doing chokes. DDT OUTTA NOWHERE. Taker sits up. How hard is it to be a big dude who doesn't sell or react to anything? Another DDT. Jake takes this time to go fuck with Paul, and Taker ends up tombstoning him on the floor for it. He rolls Jake back in to pin him. The streak is now 2-0. I don't really agree with Taker shrugging off TWO DDTs, even if Jake didn't go for the pin on either of them. That was, arguably, the most protected move in the WWF for the past 7-8 years, and Taker essentially no selling it wasn't even portrayed as something big. It was like, "Of course that didn't do much to him, he's The Undertaker", which is a shitty way to treat something that should have been huge. But such is the shitty ass character of the Undertaker for all those years. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. Roddy Piper and Bret Hart are the guests. Piper's grammar is so terrible. Piper gets things too fun and jokey, and Bret ain't having it. It gets very tense between the two former good friends.


Bret Hart vs Roddy Piper WWF Intercontinental Championship

Piper is very serious on his way to the ring. This is no longer a friendly rivalry. Now, this is face against face, but you have these two shoving and spitting at each other. It's fairly back and forth until Bret hurts his shoulder during a dropkick. SWERVE, he was baiting Piper into a small package! Piper slaps the shit out of Bret for it, then pays him back with a cheap shot of his own stopping the match for Bret to tie his boot and then drilling him in the face while he was tying it. And it busts Bret open something fierce. Bret didn't bleed a ton in his career, but every time he did was a memorable mess. Piper sticks to attacking the wound until Bret hits a stiff as shit running forearm. After a ref bump, Piper grabs the ring bell. He's very conflicted about using it. "Use it! Waffle him with it! Remember that old saying 'What the hell, use the bell!'? Give it to me, I'll hit him!" Lol, Brain. The crowd turning on Piper made him decide not to use it. He instead locks on the sleeper. Bret pushes off the turnbuckles and pins Piper. New champion! This is legit dope, and I can't believe how, as a dude with as long of a career as Piper, you can count the amount of good matches he had one one hand (with fingers to spare). Yet this was unequivocally dope. Not dope for a Piper match. It's just a good ass match. Piper helps Bret to the back after the match. A real passing of the torch moment. 


TO ATLANTA. Brain introduces us to the next WBF Champion, Lex Luger. That's not Lex's house, unless he's decorated his house like an early 90s budget hotel room. Now, the story here is that Lex couldn't wrestle for the WWF for X amount of months after leaving WCW, so Vince signed him to the WBF to get around that. Lex would do a lot of co-hosting duties for the TV show (BodyStars), but was injured in a motorcycle wreck before he could do any competing. By the time he was ready to come back, the WBF was defunct and he could wrestle for Titan. Lex chugs a glass of milk. It does a body good, you know.

TO THE BACK. The Mountie and Nasty Boys (holy shit what a miserable team) are talking about a tag match when THE REPO MAN also shows up. Fuck. Nasty Boys, Mountie, and Repo Man. FUCK. Elsewhere, Boss Man, Jim Duggan, Virgil, and Sgt. Slaughter cut their own promo. This match makes me sad and it hasn't even happened yet. 


Nasty Boys/The Mountie/Repo Man vs Big Boss Man/Jim Duggan/Virgil/Sgt. Slaughter

Man. Fuck. Ray Combs (the worst Family Feud host of all time) is the guest announcer for this, and he makes a bunch of really terrible jokes about the heel team. This is just terrible. Virgil pinned Knobs after Sags accidentally blasted Knobs in the face with Virgil's protective nose guard. Awful.



TO THE MOON. Mr. Perfect is with Ric Flair, and he has a poster of Liz. They're going to show it on the big screens after the match. WHOOOO! 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is outside of Macho's locker room, but never actually gets any words with him.



Ric Flair vs Randy Savage WWF Championship

Part of the the double main event, the actual title match is not even 90 mins into the show, and Ric Flair (the champion) comes out first. WHOOO! Macho is in probably my favorite of his outfits, all black and gold. I guess until now I didn't realize it might be pandering to Purdue fans, especially since I grew up in an IU family. Macho attacks Ric on the floor, and Perfect throws Savage around. Macho dominates with fists and clotheslines until Ric backdrops him over the top rope. That'd be a DQ in the NWA, god damn it. Was it ever a DQ in any version of Capitol/WWWF/WWF? I don't recall it even in matches from the 1970s. After that backdrop, Ric completely dominates. "Keep your mouth shut, punk!" This is extra weird to me, because I saw the different approach all together that Flair had with the Tenryu match in 1992. He wrestled like it was 1982 in that match. This is very much in line with the Flair Formula. Well, the Flair/Macho formula, as this was basically their blue print for every match they'd have for the rest of the 90s. Besides my favorite match of theirs at GAB 1995, which doesn't follow the formula. Fans are PISSED at an extremely close near fall for Savage. Flair blatantly blades after being knocked into the guardrail. Is there anyone worse at blading than Ric Flair. I legit can't think of a more obvious blader than him. Even Dusty and Austin (both pretty bad at it) weren't as attention drawingly obvious as Ric Flair. It's interesting that the two title matches had blade jobs, since Vince was pretty against it. Piper/Bret insisted it was hardway, but Flair ended up being fined for this match. Perfect breaks up the pin after the flying elbow. Earl Hebner,  being the shitty ref he is, somehow completely missed it. Perfect throws an international object to Flair, who decks Macho. But Randy kicks out! "What is going on? WHAT is going on?!" I agree, Brain. This shit stopped making sense a while ago. Perfect drills Macho in the ribs/leg with a chair. This brings Liz out. Dave Hebner and Shane McMahon try to keep her away from ringside, but they do a terrible job of that. Flair being Flair, doesn't start doing leg work until about 15 minutes into the match. Savage fights out of the figure four, while Brain is screaming to see Liz's nude pictures. Small package OUTTA NOWHERE...gets a 2 count. However, a school boy OUTTA NOWHERE gets the win. New champion! I've seen a lot of Savage/Flair matches, and this is probably the most overrated one of them all. There is really no story or flow at all. Post match sees Ric force himself on Liz, only to get slapped by Liz and attacked by Randy. Then Flair/Perfect put the boots to Macho while refs and officials try to keep them separated (while actually clearly holding Randy down so Flair can stomp him). 


TO THE MOON. Flair and Perfect throw a fit backstage. Brain also arrives. THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! RANDY PULLED THE TRUNKS! Ric looks absolutely insane with his poofy hair, crazy eyes, and all the blood.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with Randy and Liz. Macho gives zero fucks about cheating to win the match. ZERO FUCKS. This feud is not over. IT'S NOT OVER! Randy gives the title to Liz, but the rest of him belongs to Flair and Perfect. 

TO THE PRESS CONFERENCE. At the WM press conferences, Hulk Hogan was named the number one contender to the WWF Championship. HOWEVER, Sid Vicious rightfully called out WWF President Jack Tunney as BOGUS, and soon after turned on Hogan in a tag match against Undertaker/Ric Flair. Then Sid destroyed the Barber Shop, and went on a path of destruction.

TO THE MOON. Sean speaks with Rick Martel, who shits all over the Indians' lack of fashion sense, then makes a scalping joke.


Tatanka vs Rick Martel

Oh, weird. Martel hits a chokeslam. Tatanka won with a crossbody in a boring match. Tatanka just wasn't good. Having seen him on the indies and comparing him to what else was out there, I can see why he was hired, but shit. His gear looked so cheap, too.


TO THE MOON. Money Inc. have the Natural Disasters' number, since Jimmy Hart knows all of their secrets. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Natural Disasters, just two big fat, sweaty dudes with mullets/skullets. Nothing weird about that.


Money Inc. vs Natural Disasters WWF Tag Team Championships

This is terrible. Very, very bad. Typhoon in particular is just brutal in this. And you're in luck, because he's in the ring for most of the match. Money Inc. walked out on the match, but retained the titles.


TO THE MEAN GENE. Brutus Beefcake, one of the "all time greats" in the WWF, is there to support his best friend, Hulk Hogan. This might be Hogan's last match, and he wants Hulk to know he supports him.



Owen Hart vs Skinner

Skinner attacks Owen as soon as he hits the ring. What a prick. Owen kicks out of Skinner's finish and quickly wins with a roll up. Lol. That's pretty much the whole match.


TO THE MEAN GENE. It's SID. SID. SID. And Harvey Whippleman. "NO! SHUT UP YOU FAT, BALD HEADED LITTLE OAF!" Sid is the master, and Hogan is but the learner. We're shown a sit down interview wit Hogan and Vince asking Hulk about the future of his career. Hulk won't know until he leaves the ring if it will be his last match or not. SID DON'T  GIVE A DAMN. 



Sid Justice vs Hulk Hogan

Can you believe Harvey Whippleman was doing announcements for the "Wrasslemania" main event? In front of 70K people? Sid's music is dope, though. This has one of Hulk's most iconic entrances, which has been used in pretty much every WM, Hogan, or WWF history vid ever since. Sid attacks as Hulk enters the ring. That didn't work for Skinner, dude. Do you think you're better than Skinner? Hulk fights him off, and for some reason, Hogan's music just keeps playing. They're loud as fuck for Hogan, especially considering how the business was dropping off hard at the time. This is your standard ass Hogan main event. There's an extended nerve hold sequence. That kind of says it all. Hogan takes the chokeslam and powerbomb, then HULKS UP. Sid kicks out of the leg drop, although Hulk kind of got up when Harvey got up on the apron. The match is thrown out. Papa Shango then shows up and attacks Hogan. As they double team him, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR makes the save. They have the most awkward celebration to end the show.



Not a good show. Bret/Piper is great. Savage/Flair is whatever, very overrated in the history of WM and their feud in general. Everything else was passable to dogshit. The plan all along was for Hogan vs Flair for the title to headline the show, but their house show matches were doing disappointing numbers, so it got shelved fairly late into the build up. It wasn't until February or maybe even March before the match was officially changed to Sid/Hogan. Despite going from an arena to a stadium, this show had so much less pageantry and importance than the year before. And far fewer decent matches. 

In a lot of ways, this was kind of the start of the New Generation, or at least the beginning of the end of the Golden Era/Hogan Years/Whatever the fuck you call it. Hogan, Piper, and Roberts left the company after this show. Hogan wouldn't return until next year's WM, Piper for 2 years, and Jake for 4. Warrior was gone before Survivor Series. Savage would be mostly benched come 1993, while Bret main evented the next 2 PPVs in 1992 (one with HBK). Sid would also be gone shortly after this show, I think by the end of the month. 

 

WWF Wrestlemania 7

It's WRESTLEMANIA. And to kick off the show is Willy Nelson to sing America The Beautiful. While wearing a Hogan bandanna, Bret Hart sunglasses, and child sized WWF Championship. Jim Duggan and Gorilla Monsoon are going to call the show? Please tell me that isn't accurate. This can't be right. 


TO THE MOON. Sean is with the Rockers, who are going to be facing the Faces of Fear tonight.


The Rockers vs Haku/Barbarian

This is what I'm talking about. FOF vs Rockers sounds AWESOME on paper. Especially ultra SWOLL Barb and Meng before he got kind of shitty unless in squashes. Haku and HBK begin. This is kind of weird from the start. HBK's speed is too much for Haku, and then Barb runs in with a double clothesline...and the Rockers are doing double superkicks to both about 10 seconds later. Odd. It's fucking crazy how massive Barb was at this point. He was huge in the NWA, and he's like 30% bigger in the WWF. Some nasty chops from the FoF. And RNR Express spots from the Rockers. Marty ends up as the FIP. Poor Marty gets hit in the FACE with a Barb lariat. Barb hits the dope "catch a flying crossbody with a powerslam" spot, which I'm always a fan of. Hot tag to HBK. HBK is like...the same size as Haku. No one really considered Haku to be a small dude. Rockers pinned Haku after a missile dropkick and top rope crossbody. Thankfully, Bobby Heenan will be replacing Duggan for the rest of the show. HBK immediately singles out VLAD THE SUPER FAN on the floor. Just straight up ignoring this other dude, leaving him hanging. Lol.


TO THE MEAN GENE. The celebrities are out tonight. Alex Trebek, Marla Maples, and Regis Philbin. Gene makes both wet pussy and boner jokes, which was quite weird. Then he and Trebek do an Abbot and Costello routine. 


Dino Bravo vs The Texas Tornado

Dino attacks Kerry before the bell. Dino looks like he's about to pop. He also looks like he can barely wrestle. Not that he was ever good, but he's quite bad here. As is Kerry. Dino waits too long to cover after the side slam. "Boss Man's mother could have counted that fast!" Kerry wins with the discus punch in a terrible match. Even by WWF standars at the time.


TO THE MEAN GENE. Bulldog gets his response promo. There is no bull, in this British Bulldog. 

TO THE MOON. Slick and the Warlord are going to collar the British Bulldog. Warlord's biceps are legitimately bigger than Sean Mooney's head.



The Warlord vs British Bulldog

This is like...steroids: the match. Jesus Christ both of these guys are massive. How do you even function at that size? Despite the two massive dudes, this is a speed vs power match. Warlord is just...so impressive. How did that dude not get a short main event run with Hogan? LOOK AT HIM. His muscularity. His masculinity. His vascularity. And it's not like he was terrible in the ring. He could have easily done a solid Hogan formula match. Strike battle! The ease with which Warlord picked up Davey for a belly to belly is insane. Bulldog had to be a solid 275 or more. Warlord picked him up like a baby. Bulldog's standing dropkick is no joke, either. I'm into this. Two giant fucking dudes doing cool shit. A nice story of Bulldog not being able to lift or even knock Warlord down. The full nelson is on! Bulldog eventually powers out of it and is finally able to get Warlord up for the powerslam and win. And you really see the size difference on the slam. Bulldog looks tiny holding Warlord, and Bulldog was at his PEAK of swollocity.



TO THE MOON. The Hart Foundation's titles look especially gold tonight. The Nasty Boys aren't nasty...they're SCUM. 

TO THE NASTY GENE. Fuck the Nasty Boys.


Nasty Boys vs Hart Foundation WWF Tag Team Championships

Shout out to Macaulay Culkin in the crowd. Also lol at cameras cutting to a US flag during the Hart Foundation's entrance. I mean, sure, there are American flags everywhere as that's the theme since Desert Storm had just wrapped up, but they cut to a dude in the crowd holding one. Bret starts the match, knocking the shit out of both Nasty Boys. THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND AUSTIN AUSTIN. Harts really dominate the first half of the match. Almost squash territory for a while. Bret ended up as FIP. After multiple fake out cheating attempts, the Nasty's finally get to use Jimmy's helmet to steal the win. New champions. As far as Nasty Boys matches go, this is about as good as it could be. Bret was on some next level shit, and as this was the last time the Hart Foundation was a regular team (in America, at least), you can tell Bret was seizing his opportunity.


Jake Roberts vs Rick Martel Blindfold Match

This is great for live fans. Not so great for people watching at home. So much crowd interaction. The match is really built around it. Look, it's a silly gimmick match, but they made it work. Lesser guys would have had a terrible match instead of the pretty fun, interactive, entertaining make these two had. Jake won with the DDT.


TO THE MARLA. The Nasty Boyss are celebrating in the back with the Mountie, Dino Bravo, and Earthquake. Toxic Masculinity. Disgusting.


Jimmy Snuka vs The Undertaker

My favorite thing FOR SURE about the first couple years of Taker are the reaction shots of kids trying not to cry when he came out. The match itself is very short. Taker easily wins with the tombstone, begining his WM streak and taking the "phenom" moniker from Snuka in the process.


Randy Savage vs Ultimate Warrior Career Ending Match

Brain spots Miss Elizabeth in the crowd before the match starts. Warrior starts the match by...walking calmly to the ring, showing how seriously he's taking this match. Warrior's gear tells a story, with pictures of himself and Savage on his knee pads, and the back of his trunks saying "Means much more than this" with a picture of the championship. This is some legitimate warrior shit. Every move is measured and has meaning. Everything is part of the story. There is no moves for the sake of moves, no cute spots to pop the crowd. This is a Greek epic between two warriors. A story and match that could really only happen in the WWF in this specific time period. Two larger than life characters fighting for more than titles and livelihoods. It's something special. And it's wonderful. Warrior kicks out of FIVE flying elbows in a row. Normally, you'd think that is absolutely stupid. But here, it works. It makes sense. Warrior tapping into his destrucity and being willed on. And then Macho kicks out of the press slam/splash combo, which had never been done. Not even Hulk Hogan kicked out. The same powers that willed Warrior to kick out of the elbows seem to have abandoned him, as he looks to the heavens to question his gods. Warrior is having a crisis of faith. That's how big this match is. It's so deep that Warrior was going to walk out, feeling he no longer had his power or support from the gods. Savage attacked him, which is really the most dastardly of moves to attack a man during his crisis of faith. Warrior gets the message from his spirit world and defeats Randy Savage. Epic is a word that has been completely stripped of meaning online for years now. But this match is truely epic. Legendary figures clashing on the biggest world stage. After the match, Sherri would attack Savage. Liz jumped the railing to save Randy. They finally reunite, tears following from everyone. And for the first time, Randy holds the ropes open for Liz. If this had been an actual retirement match, it would have been the greatest send off of all time.


TO THE REGIS. The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are the guests. Lol, they start measuring Regis. 

TO THE ALEX. Trebek is with Demolition and Fuji.

BACK TO THE REGIS. Regis Philbin interviewing Genichiro Tenryu at Wrestlemania. What a weird time 1991 was. The only thing they can talk about is Regis saying Japanese car manufacturers. And they think he's Kathy Lee. It was weird. And terrible.

BACK TO THE ALEX. He's with Jake and Damien. Damien loves Jeopardy. Faithful viewer.


Demolition vs Genichiro Tenryu/Koji Kitao

I'm super disappointed Tenryu didn't come out to his normal theme for this. Just that Tenryu is wrestling at WM is weird enough. Having his music would have been too much to handle. Tenryu terrorizes whoever takes his robe. Fans don't care about this, but that's not surprising. They don't know who Tenryu/Kitao are, and there is no storyline reason for this to be happening. Plus this is something of intermission for the show. Tenryu wins in a short match with a powerbomb on Smash. I believe this was the debut of the powerbomb in a WWF ring.


TO THE MOON. Brain and Perfect cut a promo, referencing the Rodney King beating, essentially saying they're going to make their own version with Boss Man as Rodney. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. The Big Boss Man is about to bring hard times to Mr. Perfect. 


Big Boss Man vs Mr. Perfect WWF Intercontinental Championship

Lord Al fills in for Brain on commentary for this match. Boss Man literally wipes his ass with Perfect's towel. Rude. HE SPAT IN HIS FACE. Perfect then does the Jannetty bump from a slap. On the floor. Boss Man is so fast for a dude his size. It's very impressive. Boss Man gets his belt involved, whipping the shit out of Perfect with it. The ref allowed it. Perfect does an interesting variation of the neck snap, doing it from the front while Boss Man is on his knees. It was basically a grounded Blockbuster. Boss Man fires up, but takes a nasty face first bump into the steps. As Brain gets his cheap shots in, ANDRE THE GIANT comes out to keep him in check. Andre grabs the belt. Perfect yells at him and gets blasted with it. Haku and Barb hit the ring to cause a DQ. Andre throws some punches and chops.


Mean Gene talks with Donald Trump out in the crowd. Oh shit. He's with Chuck Norris, the Fonz, and Lou Ferrigno. Chuck lets you know he's a real fan, name dropping Gorgeous George and Argentine Rocca.  


Greg Valentine vs Earthquake

Quake wins in a very short match.


TO THE MOON. The Legion of Doom are going to murder Sour and Gory.


Power and Glory vs Legion of Doom


This match also starts before the bell. LOD wins in a match even shorter than the last one.



Ted DiBiase vs Virgil

Sold out Wrestlemania crowd chanting for Virgil. What a time 1991 was. Too bad Virgil is absolutely terrible. There is a lot of stalling, and a lot of bailing from Ted. The highlight of the match was him shoving a crippled Roddy Piper down. Then he got counted out fucking with him. Virgil wins! sherri comes out and she and Ted tear Piper's bad leg apart. Poor Danny Davis gets hit right in the balls with Piper's crutch. Lol. Piper struggles to get up, refusing help from anyone. Virgil wills him up, much like Piper willed Virgil to stand up for himself.


TO THE MOON. Sarge and Adnan say some shit.


The Mountie vs Tito Santana

Mountie wins in about 2 minutes with the shock stick.


TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hulk is never going to let Sgt. Slaughter hurt his Hulkamaniacs ever again, brother.


Hulk Hogan vs Sgt. Slaughter WWF Championship

Alex Trebek is the special ring announcer. Regis joins for commentary. Marla rings the bell. Lots of stalling from Sarge. Then he gets hit with a shoulder block that nearly knocks him over the top rope. From the mat. Pretty so-so main event. Sarge bumped like Mr. Perfect, Hulk got busted open and did Ric Flair spots, and won the title for AMERICA. During the pose down, Hulk wiped his blood with an American flag and threw it to someone in the crowd. What the fuck?


A very, very underrated WM. Warrior/Savage is, in my eyes, the greatest WWF match of all time. It's a match that only WWF could have produced with those two guys in that specific time. It couldn't have happened anywhere else in the world and it's perfect in every way. That alone would be enough to make it a memorable show. But this also has a decent enough main event, fun opening tag, a decent Nasty Boys match, a very fun Bulldog/Warrior match, FNP blindfold match, solid Boss Man/Perfect match, and Tenryu winning at WM with a powerbomb. It's a good show. It could have been cut down a bit, but it's WM and just about everyone on the roster worth a shit got a pay day.

Just for fun, I grabbed some screen shots of interesting looking pictures caused by flashbulbs:

WWF Wrestlemania 6

"Upon the examinations of the galaxies of space, images begin to appear. Images of strange and powerful forces. But of all the forces in the universe, the two most powerful, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior, prepare to explode. Champion versus champion. Title for title. It's the ultimate challenge. IT'S WRESTLEMANIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggg!"

It's ROBERT GOULET! Lmao at the dudes wearing tuxes with Warrior face paint.

 
 

Koko B. Ware vs Rick Martel

Why, yes, I am a model.  Thanks for asking. Martel attacks while Koko is getting checked by the ref. Martel is in his home country, but the Toronto crowd doesn't seem to be giving him a warm homecoming. Perhaps it's the Montreal thing. Martel works the back to set up the Quebec crab. Koko misses a second cross body and gets locked in it. Short, but enjoyable opener.


TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with Brain, Andre, and HAKUUU. Mean Gene ponders if the shit jokes were really worth it.

TO THE MOON. The challengers, Demolition. Ax is gonna cut down those trees. Smash talks about basically having a king of the road match with the Colossal Connection.


Colossal Connection vs Demolition WWF Tag Team Championships

The Connection attacks before the bell. Andre is basically completely immobile here, only popping into the ring to break up pins and nearly falling each time. So what happens is Andre stands on the apron, and Haku has a singles match against Ax. When Andre finally gets into the ring (illegally, but still), Haku accidentally superkicks him, making him fall back and get caught in the ropes. From there, Demolition hit the decapitation elbow for the win. New champions. Post match, Brain loses his shit at Andre. "I'M THE FUCKIN' BOSS." You're on camera, Brain. Bobby SLAPS Andre, so Andre paint brushes him a few times and gives him a punch. Haku tried and attack and got laid out as well. Andre gets to leave to a tremendous ovation. This was Andre's last televised WWF match. There would be a rematch 6 days later in Hawaii at a house show, then I guess if you want to consider Andre/Baba vs Demolition at the Wrestling Summit to be a WWF match or not. Either way, this was his last "official" WWF match, so he got his face turn moment and everyone got to be happy to see him go. But it was sad to see him get to that point. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. It's THE CANADIAN EARTHQUAKE! And Jimmy Hart. That piece of shit. 


Hercules vs Earthquake

Will Herc be able to slam Quake? Quake tries to attack before the bell, but Herc has been watching the previous matches and saw that shit coming. Quake is another countryman that the Toronto crowd ain't cheering for. These Canadians ain't loyal. Good luck beating a monster Hogan hasn't beaten yet, Herc. Ya fuckin' jerk. And guess what: Quake squashed his ass. Literally, I mean. The match itself wasn't a squash, although Quake did control the majority of it.


TO THE RONA BARRETT. Rona is joined by Miss Elizabeth. Fans have been wondering why Liz hasn't been on TV lately. Basically, she doesn't want to disappoint her fans by not being physically active at ringside. If she does come back, she's gonna be kicking ass and taking names.

TO THE MOON. Brutus Beefcake is taking one final look at Mr. Perfect's record because after tonight, it will no longer be perfect. Lmao at Beefer not being able to cut the paper with his hedge clippers.


Mr. Perfect vs Brutus Beefcake

Can you believe a heel tries to attack before the bell again? I love Gorilla, but my man just did not understand what a 360 was. Beefer has a big flurry of offense to start the match, which sees Perfect bouncing all around the ring and over the ropes multiple times, but there's only so much you can do to make Beefcake look good. Mary Tyler Moore appears to be a big fan of Beefcake, so that makes me rethink her entire comedic career. Perfect blasts Brutus with Genius' metal scroll, and then goes to work on the neck and back to set up the Perfect Plex. Brutus WINS. With a slingshot that knocked Perfect out. After the match, Genius got his hair cut. Again. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. Roddy Piper is with Gene, half of his body painted black, apparently to represent being both the Hot Rod and the Hot Scot. He goes on to make fun of Bad News Brown's wide nose, big ears, and bulgy eyes. 


Bad News Brown vs Roddy Piper

Hey, look, Canada again shitting on one of their own. Dude basically had been living in Canada for a decade, helping keep Stampede open. And this crowd couldn't care less. Disgusting lack of loyalty from these syrup suckers. But they do pop for the guy who is half in black face. I see you, Toronto. ICU. I remember one time that Piper said he couldn't be racist because there were no black people where he grew up. Impossible to be racist against them if they aren't there. They have a really shitty brawl where Piper eventually pulls out a WHITE glove to combat Bad News' black glove. They get counted out brawling on the floor, fighting all the way to the back.


TO THE SHOWERS. Steve Allen is playing a fucking piano IN THE SHOWERS. God damn baby grand in a shower. He's with the Bolsheviks, preparing for a performance of the Russian national anthem. Of course, it's nothing but Russian jokes.


Hart Foundation vs BOLSHEVIKS

Finally, some Canadians getting some love. These dirty Canadians attack during the Russian national anthem. That's not nice. Hart Attack OUTTA NOWHERE. Why, yes, Bret Hart at WM in Canada got a 15 second match.  


TO THE MEAN GENE. Shout out to Tito.


Barbarian vs Tito Santana

Barb's first big singles match in the WWF. I was really sure Barb was about to hit a powerbomb. But he did hit the BIG BOOT! That was just like, the middle of the match, too. Tito makes a come back but gets smashed with a flying lariat.


TO THE MOON. Dusty and Sweet Sapphire, daddeh. They got the crown jewel tonight.


Randy Savage/Queen Sherri vs Dusty Rhodes/Sapphire

Dusty reveals the crown jewel he was talking about: MISS ELIZABIT! I'll tell you this, neither Dusty nor Macho have an issue with knocking the women around. Otherwise it's pretty bad since Saaphire isn't a wrestler and Dusty is completely washed. Liz ends up shoving Sherri, who gets rolled up by Saaphire. After the match, Liz, Saaphire, and Dusty have the worst dance party you've ever seen. Liz legit danced like Elaine. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. Brain is still HOT about Andre. "Bobby Heenan, where do you have the bal...the nerve to hit Andre The Giant in the face?" "YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM ME!" Brain is gonna start a new family with new members that will listen to him.

TO THE BACK. Jesse and Gorilla talk with Rona Barrett. Rona has uncovered some dirt on Jesse Ventura. OH SHIT, Jesse has a sex tape! Jesse gets it thrown to Sean before she can show the footage.

TO THE MOON. Macho and Sherri are FLIPPING THEIR SHIT. "You sealed the nails on the you know what, and the crown jew (sic) doesn't exist!" 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Demolition celebrate their title win. The Hart Foundation had already made a challenge to the winner of the match, so Demos vs Harts is up next. 

TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Nothing but positive vibes in SkyDome, brother. "But The Ultimate Warrior, you must realize that when you step in the SkyDome, when you feel the energy that's gonna run wild throughout the arena, those are MY people. That's MY energy, brother. And Ultimate  Warrior, THIS IS WHERE THE POWER LIES, man, and the power of the Hulkster, the largest arms in the world. And once I get you down on your knees, Ultimate Warrior, I'm gonna ask you one question, brother. I'm going to ask you: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? And if your answer is yes, Ultimate Warrior, then breathe your last breath into my body. I can save ya. My Hulkamaniacs can save ya. We can turn the darkness that you live in into the light. We can save all your little Warriors with the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. But I gotta prove one thing to all my Hulkamaniacs out there. It's not whether you win or whether you lose. The only thing that matters is what kind of winner you are, or what kind of loser you are. And Ultimate Warrior, I sure hope you're a good loser, brother. WHATCHA GONNA DO in SkyDome when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroys you?"  


TO THE MOON. "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A NORMAL! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR THAT I AND HULK HOGAN DO! HULK HOKAN, I MUST ASK YOU NOW, AS YOU ASKED ME, DO YOU, HOAK HOKAN WANT YOUR IDEAS, YOUR BELIEFS, TO LIVE FOREVER? FOR HULK HOGAN, IN THIS NORMAL WORLD, PHYSICALLY, NONE OF US CAN LIVE FOREVER. BUT THE PLACES YOU HAVE TAKEN THE HULKAMANIACS, THE IDEAS AND THE BELIEFS YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM CAN LIVE THROUGH ME, HULK HOGAN. THAT IS WHY I BREATHE. THAT IS WHY THE WARRIORS HAVE COME. HOKE HOGAN, THERE ARE ONES THAT QUESTION WHERE YOU ARE TAKING THEM. DO YOU NO LONGER WANT TO WALK OR STEP INTO THAT DARKNESS? HULK HOGAN, THE DARKNESS I SPEAK OF IS NOTHING TO FEAR. IT IS ABOUT THE BELIEFS OF ACCEPTING ANY AND ALL CHALLENGES AT THE COST OF LOSING EVERYTHING, HOALK HOKIN. YOU HAVE LIVED, HOULK HOKEN, FOR THE PAST FIVE WRESTLEMANIAS FOR THIS ONE BELIEF. NOW, HOEK HOUKAN, I COME TO TAKE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN FURTHER THAN YOU EVER COULD. I COME, HUIK HOUKIN, NOT TO DESTROY THE HULKAMANIACS AND HULKAMANIA. I COME, HOAK HOAKIN, I COME TO BRING THE WARRIORS AND HULKAMANIACS TOGETHER AS ONE, AS WE, HOKE HOKEN, ACCEPT ALL THE CHALLENGES WITH ALL THE STRENGTHS OF THE WARRIORS AND THE HULKAMANIACS TOGETHER. HOAK HOGAN, THE COLORS OF THE HULKAMANIACS ARE COMING THROUGH THE PORES OF MY SKIN! AND HOAK HOAKIN, WHEN WE MEET, HOLK HOEKIN, I WILL LOOK AT YOU AND YOU WILL REALIZE THEN THAT I HAVE COME TO DO NO ONE NO HARM, BUT ONLY, HULC HOKAN, TO TAKE WHAT WE BOTH BELIEVE IN TO PLACES IT SHALL NEVER HAVE BEEN!  


Orient Express vs Rockers

Three different tag matches, and there were still like 4-5 other teams not on the card. Rockers hit a bunch of double team shit early on, including a double dive. Then Marty gets low bridged and whacked with that fucking cane. Curious as to why the Rockers are in a match about 30 times longer than a Hart Foundation match. In Canada. HBK ends up as FIP for a while, but a nice handful of salt to the eyes blinds Marty, who falls over the railing, getting himself counted out. Fine for what it was, but not even close to the Rockers/OE matches with Paul Diamond in Sato's place. 


TO THE STEVE. Steve Allen speaks with Rhythm & Blues. One of the hottest bands in the world. Fucking HTM. TUNE YOUR FUCKING GUITAR YOU FUCKING CUNT. "Well, to be honest, Honky, I haven't been this excited since I found out that Pee Wee Herman was straight." 


Dino Bravo vs Jim Duggan

Mother fuckers, this Canadaian crowd is cheering for the guy with an American flag against a Canadian. IN CANADA. LMAO, a bit of a USA chant actually breaks out. But fuck this match. I've actually kind of come to enjoy Dino in some way, but I ain't fucking with Duggan ever. DOOGUN won after using his 2x4, but Earthquake squashed his ass after the match. The universe provides, brehs.   


TO THE MEAN GENE. Jake Roberts has some cold words for Ted DiBiase. 


Jake Roberts vs Ted DiBiase Million Dollar Championship

Mid South represent. Jake tries for the DDT very early on. Ted had some great traps. He's not the kind of guy you'd be like "great body of the 80s", but he had some dope traps. Jake tries for the DDT a few more times and then decides to go after the arm to wear Ted down a bit. Of course, Jake misses the cross-ring knee lift, and Ted goes to work on the neck after that. THE WAVE breaks out in SkyDome. Gorilla basically says the crowd was trying to get itself over. Wave aside, the crowd is very hot for this match. Jake finally makes his comeback only for Virgil to get involved and pull him out of the ring before he could hit the DDT. Ted locked on the Million Dollar Dream on the floor, but Jake drove him into the post...however, Virgil threw Ted back into the ring before the 10 count, so Ted won and retained his title via count out. You know, I was 100% certain that Virgil would get hit with the DDT after the match, but he ran away with the belt and Ted ended up getting hit with it. SWERVE!


TO THE MOON. Akeem and Slick. The Twin Towers have split because the Boss Man refused to accept Ted DiBiase's money. But now, Slick is very happy because Ted has paid these two to take out Boss Man. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Boss Man considers Ted to be SCUM. He don't take money from SCUM. Or anybody. But especially SCUM. Lmao, Boss Man calls Slick a wannabe pimp and then says he's proud to be an American. Because Akeem is the African Dream, you see.


Akeem vs Big Boss Man

TWIN TOWERS EXPLODE! Akeem is for sure better than One Man Gang. If just for Jive Soul Bro. Oh shit, Ted DiBiase spider crawls back out and attacks Boss Man before the match. Thems hard times, daddeh. Regardless, Boss Man wins with a Boss Man Slam in under 2 minutes. 


TO THE MOON. Sean talks to Mary Tyler Moore in the crowd, who is apparently also a mark for Honky Tonk Man. Wow. FUCK Mary Tyler Moore.

Rhythm & Blues come out in a pink Cadillac, driven by a "young" DDP. And by young, I mean a dude who was about to turn 35 in a few days and hadn't even had his first match yet. HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT. HE WAS THE ANOMALY. BANG! SCUM! The whole point of this is to debut HTM's new song, and holy shit is this awful. For one, the song is dog shit. But then you have HTM and his back up singers being not even close to being on time. And then Greg Valentine is pretending to play an acoustic guitar to do an electric guitar solo when A. it's not plugged in, and B. He clearly has never held a guitar. This might be worse than the Limp Bizkit performances at WM 18. Oh, Christ, the BUSHWHACKERS were at ringside pretending to be vendors, and then they storm the ring only to break the guitars.


Rick Rude vs Jimmy  Snuka

Steve Allen joins for commentary. So, Snuka returned last year at WM 5 in a random "Hey, this guy is back" entrance before a match where the competitors were already in the ring. He really hasn't done much of note in the year since. Oh wow. Rude tries to attack before the bell. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!?! Instead, Jimmy sees it coming and attacks, then does multiple hip swivels. He's exceptionally pale tonight. This goes on for about 2 minutes before Rude wins completely clean and decisively with the Rude Awakening.


Ultimate Warrior vs Hulk Hogan WWF Championship

THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE. Warrior is the only guy to not use the cart to get to the ring, instead doing his traditional run despite the aisle being 3 times as long as a normal entrance. Jesse suggests that it was a bad call to waste that much energy in the biggest match of his life. Hogan also forgoes the cart, but walks instead of runs to the ring. The ovation for both men is massive. The last time WWF ran a face vs face super match like this was at Shea Stadium in 1972, which saw Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino go to a 75 minute curfew draw. 15 years is a long time to not have a match like this. There was no Backlund vs Bruno/Pedro match. Although now that I'm thinking about it, holy shit do I wish there was a Backlund/Bruno match. Preferably in Japan, but acceptable in MSG in the purple ring. I'm fascinated at how both of these dudes are white guys yet are are 8 shades darker than the only black guy on the card (Bad News Brown). This is truly a happening, Jess. And the match starts with Warrior immediately over powering Hulk, then Hulk coming right back to show they're equals. Fuck yo respect stand offs. Let these titans battle with strength, not stand offs. Warrior wins the test of strength! God damn, the reactions for fucking peaknuckle is incredible. The crowd reacts similarly when Hulk over powers Warrior, and then wills Warrior back to his feet. So there are all these spots of both guys doing the same thing to each other, but every time, Warrior's version is just a little more powerful, a little more impressive, and Hulk takes a little more damage. Hulk tweaks his knee getting knocked to the floor, and it seems like the match might be over. Warrior has no problem going right after it. These two top mega faces are now getting dirty, choking, raking eyes, and shoving the ref around. Hulk gets pissed and lays a beating on Warrior, just pounding the hell out of him. Never before has Warrior been in this kind of position. Warrior starts to HULK UP ON HULK HOGAN! And Hogan can't believe it. No one has ever done this to him, much like no one has ever beaten down Warrior. Ref bump! Both guys get a pin on each other while Earl is out, leading to a very tense kick out and Hogan trying to win with a shot to the throat and a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. But then Warrior hits his finish, which as you know only makes Hulk stronger. HE'S HULKING UP, DUDE. Oh shit he missed the leg drop. Splash. WARRIOR HAS DEFEATED HULK HOGAN! NEW CHAMPION! One of the last shots is a dejected Hulk Hogan leaving in the ring cart in the dark. Amazing.     


Much like WM 17 was for the Attitude Era, this was the apex of the Golden Era. Really, none of the matches are that great (except the main event featuring the two biggest babyfaces in the company battling for the title), but it has all the stars of the era in a huge stadium with a crowd hot for everything. But Hogan/Warrior, now that's a god damn master piece. From the subtle ways of how they showed that they were ALMOST equals but Warrior was just slightly better, to both getting dirty, to Hogan being desperate enough to try to steal the win with a throat chop and roll up. Shit was really magical. A truly titanic battle. A true happening of an event.

WWF Wrestlemania 5

The Mega Powers....EXPLODE! HERE, at WRESTLEMANIA 5! 

WWF Women's Champion Rockin' Robin sings America  The Beautiful. Singing is not her strongest talent.  


King Haku vs Hercules

Haku starts with a Peal Harbor job. Herc the jerk caught off guard. He easily recovers and bounces Haku all around until Brain causes a distraction. "You know how frustrated he is, Jess? Ya know, being traded like a slave by Bobby The Brain Heenan without even being consulted." Well, let's ease up with that analogy, Gorilla. Haku works the lower back, and it seems ill-advised to be doing bearhugs to a guy like Hercules, but then I've seen people work bear hugs against Andre. A light BORING chant breaks out. Herc got caught out of the air with a superkick, which seemed like a finish to me, but Herc wins shortly after with a bridging belly to back suplex.


TO THE MEAN GEAN. The Rockers making their WM debut. Shout out to seeing the outline of HBK's dick head. 


Twin Towers vs Rockers

The classic speed vs size match. From even before the bell, the Rockers have the Towers chasing them around ringside and wasting energy. HBK and Boss Man officially begin, and that little shit Shawn is frustrating the big men like a gnat. All these quick tags and shit, and then the Towers finally get a hold of Marty and literally squash him. Repeatedly. Then he makes the hot tag, the Rockers finally knock Akeem down, and Akeem fucking BLASTS Shawn's head off with a lariat. Donald Trump popped. Oh shit, flying rana into powerbomb counter in 1989 WWF. The size difference was just too much for the Rockers to overcome, but a very good showing from them, and a fun match.


TO THE TONY. Tony Schiavone is in the back with Ted DiBiase and Virgil. Where are your slave comments now, Gene? Ted has home court advantage at Trump Plaza, and he ain't letting no piece of shit like Brutus Beefcake ruin his grooming habits.


Ted DiBiase vs Brutus Beefcake

Beefcake opens with a cheap shot. Piece of shit. What a bummer this has to be for Ted. Going from main eventing WM 4 for the title to 3rd on the card against Beefcake the next year. A Bundy-esque fall from grace. A dull ass match that Ted's bumping couldn't save. Both were counted out while brawling on the floor.    



TO THE BRUNCH. Lord Al was at the brunch with the Bushwhackers earlier this morning. 


Fabulous Rougeau Brothers vs Bushwhackers



Mr. Perfect vs Blue Blazer

Lol at Perfect almost falling during his entrance. Blue Blazer's theme goes HARD. Have fun with your 5 minute workrate match, nerds. Owen actually dominated the match until Perfect got his knees up on a superfly splash. Owen had a pretty good showing, but went down to the Perfect Plex.


Jesse Ventura gets his now yearly spot on the show to pose and get cheered.

YESTERDAY MORNING. A nice 5K on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Which Mr. Fuji enters last second. In his tux.

RUN DMC are in the ring for the WRESTLEMANIA RAP! Lol at just showing crowd shots of black audience members during this. Right after it ends, Gorllia has this to say. "A little bit of that goes a long way with me, I'll tell you that." I see you, Gino. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Demolition! They're gonna....crush the Powers of Pain. 


Powers of Pain/Mr. Fuji vs Demolition WWF Tag Team Championships

Fuji getting a title match at Wrestlemania. Disgusting. On the other hand, HOSSES. "There aren't too many evil spirits he has to chase around here, Jess." "You're one." "Well, maybe." Powers of Pain, GOAT muscle bodies in wrestling. The fuck, Warlord gets repeated beat downs. This is weird. POP are getting the shit kicked out of them. Oh my god, Fuji gets more offense on Ax than Warlord. Who the fuck booked this? I got a BIG BOOT out of it, but what a weird lay out to this match. Fuji accidentally salts Warlord and gets hit with the Decapitation Elbow. Titles retained. Boy, the POP did not come out of this looking good at all.