WCW Ready To Rumble
Our show opens with some classic WCW/NWA photos of bloody men in underwear. There are even a lot of PWI shots with AWA and maybe a few WWF pictures in.
TO THE STOP N SHOP. Gordie Boggs and Sean Dawkins talk to a group of kids about the greatness of Jimmy King. The shop clerk says wrestling is fake and is for retards. Penn claims King can raise the dead and will defeat DDP tomorrow night. Gordie has a revelation and we are on to our first match.
Gordie Boggs vs The Shop Clerk
This is all over a KING SIZED purple sugar slush. Gordie has one cent too little and the match is on! A suplex from Gordie shakes the store. The Clerk tags into the Macho Man and this is now a tag team match, playa. Jimmy King saves Gordie. Missile dropkick! Double King's Crown to The Clerk. Gordie and King win!
TO THE STOP N SHOP. Gordie wakes up from his brain freeze, puts his finger in his ass, and goes in for a refill. He asks for a new slush, using his shit finger to claim he needed a new slush. They then talk about sour ass. A cop arrives. He grabs Sean's testicles and claims that Sean would actually rather be grabbing his testicles. As it turns out, the cop is Gordie's father. SWERVE! He tells his son that wrestling is fake. Not only that, Gordie has trouble wrestling his wee wee out of his pants for a leak. "Wrestling is for dirt bags and lillypickers."
TO THE STATE FAIR. Gordie and Sean talk about fathers while listening to Lit. Sean has no father. Who cares. It's Monday Night! Gordie and Sean are septic workers and are sucking out shit from port-a-potties. Sean has to take a shit. Gordie promised not to hook up the hose to the toilet while Sean was in it. His fingers were crossed. SWERVE! Sean and Gordie get into a brawl. Suplex!
TO THE EASY TAKE OUT BURGER. The boys order food from their shit truck. Gordie embarrasses Sean by ordering sexual innuendos from a girl Sean likes. The woman at the window happens to also be a wrestling fan. FRIES TO THE FACE FRIES TO THE FACE FRIES TO THE FACE! Gordie thinks Sean should go for Wendy, who likes him and wrestling. They're eating at the back of the truck with actual shit dripping between them. While eating. Sean made a WWKD bracelet: What Would King Do.
TO THE OLD LADY'S HOUSE. The rapping Granny says that King is going to bitch slap DDP tonight. She also wants a really tight shirt.
TO GORDIE'S HOUSE. Gordie comes home. His father, mother, and sister are all officers of the law. His father holds him at gun point to coming to his officer test in the morning.
Rey Mysterio Jr./Kidman vs Juventud Guerrera/TAFKATAFKAPI
In a very short match, Rey and Kidman won with a pop up super rana.
The Nitro Girls do some dancing.
TO THE BACK. The booker, Titus Sinclair, talks with Goldberg and DDP. King is late. Again. They ask for the finish. It's the same one as usual: King will piledrive DDP, then Crown him for the win. He takes DDP off to the side and says to forget what was just told to him, because tonight is his night.
DDP vs Jimmy King WCW Championship
Mean Gene did the ring announcing tonight. Tenay and Tony are doing commentary. DDP has new music. With King is Curt Hennig, Konnan, and Saturn. King insinuates that he's going to fuck DDP's ass and make him humble. He then sings a few bars of the King of Rock by Run DMC. Titus comes to the ring to loud boos. He's hogging King's spotlight and reminds King that he created King. The bell sounds and the match is on. They lock up. They trade holds. King hits a shoulder block and a neck breaker. Kick out. DDP gets the sign from Titus. King called for a hip toss. He got punched in the face. SWERVE! This has devolved into a SHOOT! King is slingshot over the ropes and through a table. Chair shot from King! DDP counters King's finish, but doesn't dodge a low blow. Sid, Bam Bam, Juvi, Prince, and Van Hammer hit the ring. Powerbomb to King. Double Kanyon Cutter. BANG! The ref is thrown out and the King's Men hit the ring for the save. They turn on King. SWERVE! Four post massacre! Titus Sinclair tells the ref to count the pin. DDP wins. New champion! Titus grabs the mic and says that King will never, ever, fight for The WCW again. This was a double cross of epic proportions tonight. We just saw regicide right here on Monday Nitro!
TO THE SEPTIC TRUCK. Gordie and Sean cry over the events of Nitro. They get into a wreck, with shit spilling everywhere. They both enjoy the smell of raw human sewage, though. Police and Firemen are on the scene for clean up. A truck full of toilet paper has to SWERVE to avoid the scene, but ends up crashing into the septic truck, sending shit flying on to police, cops, and Gordie and Sean as toilet paper explodes in the air. Gordie remarks about the odds of such an event. They talk about Jimmy King and fate. Jimmy King would fight to make it right. They're going to find The King.
TO THE VAN. As the boys hitchhike to Atlanta, a van full of nuns pick them up. They sing various hymns. They also sing Running with the Devil.
TO THE ATLANTA. Sean asks how many times Gordie farted in the van. Both claim they didn't fart at all. Instead, they were in a van of farting, Van Halen singing nuns. Elsewhere, the Sherminator plays Jimmy King's arcade game. What happened to King makes Sherminator want to puke, but his dad says puking is for pussies. He can help find Jimmy King.
TO THE SHERMINATOR'S. The Sherminator is a hacker and can find anyone online. Gordie has DDP and King action figures and is pretending King is having anal sex with DDP. Sherm finds a print out of King's info. Sean is rocking out hard to Hit Me Baby One More Time.
TO THE KING'S CASTLE. What was said to be a castle is actually a mobile home. His wife is there and scratches her vagina, offering to show the boys a close up view of crabs. The wife says his associates are all whores and scumbags and also hopes that King's dick turns black and falls into the crapper. The guys find Prince Frankie. Frank will split the reward if they are bounty hunters and can find King. His braces are about to get repossessed. They call the Sherminator from a pay phone. He's found King's parents.
TO THE KINGS'. Jimmy's parents think he wasted his life being a wrestler. Sean said the authorized King biography said the mother died in a plane crash and Jimmy worked two jobs to support his father. King stopped by and took their RV. They haven't seen him since. The big shit. They call Sherm, who found a traffic violation on the RV. He has to get off the phone because his dad says yakking on the phone is for pussies.
TO THE RV. Sean and Gordie have found their king. He's passed out and dressed like a woman. Is the king a queen? He thinks they are from the pharmacy. They also think King knows them. King wants nothing to do with them. He'll let them in for all the money they have on them. Personal appearance fee. He is just hiding out from some people. He tries to tell some lies about his wife and parents. They aren't falling for it, but he's still trying to work them. The boys offer to go on a beer run. Sean is disillusioned by a drunk King in a dress, but Gordie still has faith. King can't return to wrestling because Sinclare owns his character. King goes on to say that wrestling is fucking fake, you dumb ass fucking mark ass mark fucks. He kicks them out of the RV. "How can you be phoney if we believe in you?" Gordie tells a story about King having a broken back, jumping out of his wheel chair, and kicking Kanyon's ass in Memphis. They get King riled up. The double Crowning knocked both men out. In the morning, King agrees to fight Sinclair.
TO THE ROAD TRIP. They traverse the country listening to Lit. They finally arrive at the New York Arena, where a sold out Nitro is being held.
TO THE BACK. The boys wheel King into the building hidden in a port-a-pottie. Along the way, they happen to see into the Nitro Girls dressing room. Lead Nitro Girl Sasha interrupts them. Elsewhere, DDP and Titus Sinclair enter the building. They give some production notes and shit talk Jimmy King. Titus says the kids are morons and like who he tells them to like. DDP cuts his promo for TV when Jimmy King bursts out of the toilet to attack DDP and Titus. SWERVE! Titus is attacked by Gordie and Sean. Bam Bam and Hammer save him. The Crown! From the top of the toilet! They make Billy Silverman count the fall and I think we have a new champion! Titus says it wasn't sanctioned. We're going to have a cage match. If King can survive, he gets the belt and $1Million.
TO THE RV. Party time! Sasha is impressed with Gordie. He demonstrates which poster he has of her in his room. Gene breaks down crying asking if people think he's sexy. King thinks he's sexy and then does shots with raw eggs. Then he runs off only to fall down a man hole.
TO THE DEPARTMENT OF SHIT. The guys get King the next day. They're going to get King a trainer. King is being a bitch ass pussy and is scared of everything. They sing some jingle for King to get him pumped up.
TO THE DUNGEON. This dungeon isn't in Calgary, but is instead in an apartment in New York. Sal Mandini opens the door and immediately stretches King. Sal was wrestling the whole high school wrestling team. You know, just an old man stretching nearly nude teenage boys up in his apartment. Is he Stu Hart or Rob Feinstein? King gets out of a spinning toe hold with a kick to the face. Sal was just playing opossum.
TO SASHA'S. Gordie brought her some bananas. They're having a date at her place. She wants the D. He thinks she actually wants to wrestle.
Sasha vs Gordie Bed Room Match
They growl and bark at each other before Sasha reveals her tits. FOREIGN OBJECTS! Gordie starts punching and the match ends in no contest.
TO GORDIE'S HOUSE. Gordie sent his dad a post card, saying he wasn't a virgin anymore and apologizing for missing the exam. Gordie's dad shoots the refrigerator in anger.
TO THE GYM. The group heads to the gym. Sasha is trying to control Gordie. Goldberg is lifting. He's in town for Letterman. Behind them, John Cena is on the pec deck. Goldberg is mad about King blowing a spot in Akron. He was drunk and puked on Goldberg. They were partners. The guys try to convince Goldberg to help out. Goldberg works alone.
TO THE DUNGEON. Sal is eating a sandwich and watching TV. Saturn and Sid sneak in. Sal easily handles both men. They were sent by Sinclair. Sid busts a wooden chair over Sal.
TO THE HOSPITAL. Sal will have to stay in the hospital for a few days at least. King wants a Butterfinger. Sasha calls Sinclair, saying the deal is done. She's going to be promoted to head Nitro Girl. Elsewhere, King and Sean meet with Sal. Sal gets a Butterfinger. Outside, Sean throws King's Butterfinger away. Gordie breaks up with Sasha.
TO THE ROAD TRIP. King takes a detour and reunites with his queen. She kicks him in the dick. She helps him up, just to do it again. NASCAR reference. Prince Frankie won't accept Jimmy's apology. The queen also isn't interested until King says he's going to win the title and a lot of money. But most of all, he's going to get his son a damn good dentist.
TO WYOMING. As soon as the boys stop, Gordie's dad pulls up in his squad car. His dad takes Gordie. Gordie is going to be a cop, god damn it. His wrestling dream is stupid. Manson, Stalin, and Michael Bolton are compared to each other.
TO GORDIE'S. Sean and King try to get Gordie back. Gordie is broken and has given up on his dream.
TO THE BARN. The King is giving try outs for people to join his posse. This is a montage of guys doing terrible gimmicks and King kicking ass. Fireman Fred, The Chewer, and Kitty are the final contestants. "What's she gonna do, boob 'em to death?" A local marching band plays King off as he heads to the PPV. The girl Sean likes now thinks he's cool because he was on TV. Sean blows her off and gives Wendy a gift. It's a Hard Rock Cafe shirt. She has a gift for him. It's her pussy. Gordie's dad drops Gordie off for one last goodbye. The RV stops so Sean can let Wendy out. They were wrapped in a WCW/NWO blanket. Sean ran back naked to the RV.
TO THE MGM GRAND.
The time has come for Jimmy King vs DDP! The Nitro Girls do some dancing.
TO THE BACK. Sinclair says that Sting must not allow Jimmy King to get the title or else he'll be done in this business. "I will kill you if you fuck this up." Elsewhere, Sean is in a zoot suit and pumps Jimmy up one last time. In the shower.
Jimmy King vs DDP WCW Championship Cage of Death Triple Cage Match
CZFNW! Sean's suit is caught on fire by King's pyro. DDP opens with spit to the face. King comes back with some hay makers. DDP dominates with a uranage and lariatooooo. King is sent to the floor, where he's handcuffed to the cage. Sean throws powder in DDP's face. DDP calls Sean an idiot because that stuff doesn't work. But in the mess, DDP was cuffed to the cage. SWERVE! A diamond upside down is a pussy! Juvi and some masked guy prevent King from making it to the second cage. Double Crown! Sinclair calls for the cavalry. King takes them all out with a ladder. He then stops when the masked man reveals himself to be Jimmy's own son, Frankie! SWERVE! Frankie starts the beat down. Goldberg, Booker T, Kidman, and DISCO INFERNO run down to make the save! But they can't get into the cage. That is, until Gordie busts through it on a police bike. Spear! Jackhammer to Saturn. The police are all watching at the station. Gordie spears Frankie! DDP is uncuffed. King is in the second cage. Sasha hits on Gordie, but gets hit by a ladder. DDP is now also in the second cage. Crutch to the back! DDP is literally trying to hang the King. DDP has made it to cage three. Sting watches from the rafters. Sting goes full Batman, drop kicking DDP while repelling down. Best of all, an orchestral version of Sting's Crow music plays while he's doing it. DDP is knocked to the roof of cage one. Sting hits Sean after Sean tries to hug him. Gordie also wants hit. Both men are again on the top of the cage, fighting for supremacy. A body slam sends DDP all the way to the ring. BY GOD HE'S BROKEN IN HALF! WOULD SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH?! Jimmy King grabs the belt. New champion! The world celebrates as the king reclaims his throne. Sinclair is attacked by Gordie and Sean. They throw him into the crowd, where his is presumably ripped apart and eaten.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene asks King if he's going to unify the WCW and tag team championships. Goldberg offers to be his partner, but King already has a partner: Gordie Boggs AKA The LAW. Sean Sugar Daddy Dawkins is their manager.
TO THE STOP N SWAP. Sean tells the same kids from the start about his story. Goldberg throws The Clerk out and makes him say "I'm your bitch and you're my daddy". Nitro Girl Chae drives up in a black Hummer, and they all leave, with Sal in the hot tub in the back with other Nitro Girls. MY GOD, CHAE WAS THE DRIVER OF THE HUMMER! WHAT A FUCKING SWERVE!
DQ Count: 0 out of 4 matches.
The movie ended with a low blow montage in the credits.