WCW Uncensored 1996

3 levels, 4 tiers, and no seats to be found in Tupelo!  The rules of the Doomsday Cage still haven't been explained.  All we know is that there are 3 levels of cages and half the roster is involved.


Eddie Guerrero vs Konnan WCW US Championship

Things I expect from this: Eddie blowing Konnan up with in 5 minutes, Konnan botching a lot of stuff, even Eddie not being able to get something out of Konnan.  Fucking stupid move where Eddie does a hand stand on Konnan's shins.  What the fuck was that supposed to do?  Konnan has such a terrible time trying to get a Boston crab on.  One of the easiest submissions you can do.  A lot of basic lucha stuff.  Tempers flare and slaps come out.  Super frankensteienr from Eddie.  "I'm talking about, my homie, Eddie Guerrero."  Eddie and Dusty are homies!  Crowd is kind of split, but Eddie chants end up louder than the Konnan chants.  A lot of down time.  Either grounded in rest holds or just walking around getting chants going instead of doing anything.  Konnan's angel wings of back hair are gross.  Eddie hits the first dive pretty deep into the match.  Konnan is dead.  I've never seen a Konnan match where he didn't blow up.  He can't even do roll ups.  He can barely do standard pins.  He is able to hit a BT Bomb on Eddie, which is rude as shit.  He also hits about as weak of a dive as possible, after completely recklessly throwing Eddie to the floor from the top rope.  Eddie basically has to force Konnan into a superplex because Konnan is so blown up he can't get get up on the top rope.  Eddie tries a leap frog or a rana.  Konnan falls back and it ends as a low blow, which the announcers called as a low blow and the fans booed.  This was enough to pin Eddie.  It didn't look like an intentional low blow to me.  It looked like Konnan being shitty at selling, though.  Title retained.  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Col. Parker is the guest.  Giant is on the PEECEE CHAT LINES!  This whole angle must have taken place on Saturday Night.  Parker is doing this match for Gene, Dick Slater, Uncle Col. Tom Parker, Elvis, men every where, and for pigs who like slop.  It got very, VERY rah rah men are better than women towards the end.

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Steven Regal vs Belfast Bruiser

Finlay slaps Jeeves on the way out, just for fun.  Finlay immediately hits Regal with his shoulder pad and we got us a FIGHT.  Lariatooooooooooo.  "Yeah.  He booted him."  They're knocking the dog shit out of each other 2 minutes in.  Regal grinds his forearm along Finlay's nose while he has a grounded abdominal stretch applied.  To the floor we go.  Regal's arm is going to be the focus for Finlay.  That and his face.  Regal throws a dropkick that hit Finlay right in the ear.  Looked like it hurt.  This crowd is stupid.  They're not reacting to this, but were chanting for Konnan earlier.  They're knocking the shit out of each other, and when they aren't, they're trying to break bones.  Another stiff lariatoooo.  This would be great if it took place in Japan and not Tupelo, Mississippi.  Regal drops a Cactus Elbow.  Shit is getting real.  "Where is Ireland?  Like, 5 miles from London?  I doubt that."  BLATANT low blow in the corner from Regal.  There was a lot of malice in that kick.  Dusty gets stuck on "glutimus maximus" for a while.  I think I just heard Finlay's nose break.  He responds by punching Regal full force in the face.  And another one.  God damn.  That one broke Regal's nose.  What's left of it is splattered all over his face.  They fight to the Doomsday Cage, where Regal chops Finlay in the face as a receipt.  Dave Taylor and Bobby Eaton come out and attack Finlay, causing a disqualification.  They hold Finlay and Regal KNOCKS HIS DICK IN THE DIRT.  I can't tell if that was a slap or a punch, but holy fuck.  That's about as hard of a shot as I've ever seen/heard in wrestling.  Man, that was rad.  Maybe it wasn't always the most focused the whole time, but it was 100% mean the whole time.

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Jimmy Hart and The Giant talk about the match against LOCH NESS.  Gross.  Gross gross gross.  The winner of the match will get a title match on Nitro tomorrow night!  "I can start off with rhymes.  I can start off with riddles.  Loch Ness, in that ring, I'm gonna smoke you like bacon on the griddle!"  Elsewhere, (more like moments later), he gets words with Loch Ness.  Is he Hodor's dad?  

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Col. Parker vs Madusa

God what was the point of bringing Madusa in besides to drop the title in the trash?  They clearly had no plans for any kind of women's division.  She made ONE appearance on Nitro since her debut, which was on December 18th, 1995.  It took over a month for her to make that one.  She hasn't been on Nitro once since then.  Besides the match with Sherri on Nitro in January, this entire feud has been on weekend shows.  I have no idea what it is over.  Dusty is marking the fuck out over a lock up.  Body slam to the colonel.  Dive from Madusa.  German suplex!  Dick Slater pulled her leg out, breaking the bridge and allowing Parker to get a pin.  

TO TONY THE TIGER.  Lee Marshal is with the LOD.  Hawk claims that they're going to remove the brain stems of Sting and Booker, so they'll have to depend on Depends.


DDP vs The Booty Man

DDP has basically been homeless since losing the remaining $6.6M.  He certainly looks homeless.  But he looked homeless even before that.  If DDP wins, he'll get what's left of his money back, plus Kim.  More burying of Johnny B. Badd.  I don't even care.  Feel free to bury him.  Bury the Ass Man while you're at it.  Why can't there be more Euro guys beating the shit out of each other?  I refuse to believe that anyone was excited about Beefcake in 1996.  At some point, Kim comes out in what I'd consider some kind of fetish gear.  A white/salmon Tinker Bell dress with huge ruffles and giant heels.  Do you like really lame 80s wrestling?  Then you'd love this match.  It's straight out of 1985.  DDP kissed Kim, who slapped him.  HINEY for the win.  DDP doesn't get the money, doesn't get Kim, and now has to leave WCW.  Beefcake's kiss almost made Kim pass out.  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  You see, Jimmy Hart took Lex out of the tag title match to have him fill in for Loch Ness in the Doomsday match.  Jimmy says this is the last time he'll be managing Lex Luger, cries, and gives him a jacket with Lex air brushed on it.  

The Giant vs Loch Ness

Nessie comes out to Rey Jr's music.  Giant over shoots a Stinger Splash and goes all the way to the floor.  Giant wins  with a leg drop in a thankfully very short match.  Still, it was an awfully long 2 minutes.

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TO TONY THE TIGER.  Lee speaks with Booker and Sting.  It wasn't explained on Nitro how Booker came to be Sting's partner.  LOL at Sting saying, "Straight OG brotha, right?"  

Sting/Booker T vs Road Warriors Chicago Street Fight

The fight begins during entrances.  Book hits an ax kick on Animal very early on.  Hawk no sells a piledriver ON THE FLOOR.  A whole lot of mindless brawling.  Sting and Animal leave, I guess looking for weapons.  Book has Hawk in a cross arm breaker for a long time.  A chair is involved.  It's green.  Another piledriver, another Hawk no sell.  Lol, the spinarooni gets interrupted by Animal's body.  God, these needs to be over.  After 20 some minutes of fighting, Booker decides he's done.  Animal follows him.  They pass Luger, who is primping in the mirror.  Animal hit Luger.  Luger attacked Animal.  Stevie Ray showed up and they triple team Animal.  They tape Animal to a post in the back.  THEY RUINED LEX'S SHEEN!  Booker returns to what is now a handicap match.  Book misses the Harlem Hangover.  Stevie came out and WAFFLED Hawk with a chair.  Booker pins Hawk to end the THIRTY MINUTES of completely aimless brawling.

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Mega Powers vs Alliance to End Hulkamania Doomsday Cage Match

The rules are, Hogan and Macho must win their match in each cage to get to the next one.  Oh, excuse me, the MEGA FORCE, not the Mega Powers.  Fucking Buffer.  Arn is the only one who came dressed to wrestle inside a cage.  Wait, Brian Pillman was supposed to be in this match?  But he got fired after Superbrawl and has been arrested when he showed up at shows.  Why would he be in the match?  Regardless, he didn't show up.  God, Buffer says Mega Force 3 times.  At least he got Hulkamania right.  Flair and Arn are in the first cage.  What a stupid fucking idea for a match.  Made even worse by the Sin Cara lighting, which looks terrible on a screen, but must have been nearly impossible to see for the live crowd.  How do you follow up 30 minutes of aimless brawling?  Another 30 minutes of aimless brawling in a multi-tiered cage with mood lighting.  Oh boy, double figure fours.  Flair passes a shiv into the cage below.  A bunch of powder gets thrown.  The Mega Force escape cage 1.  Cage 2 has Faces of Fear, Sullivan, and Lex.  The lights rotate through blue, red, green, and purple.  All lights you want your wrestling to be colored by.  The middle cage is actually TWO cages, with a door between them.  And the FoF get locked out of one.  God this is the dumbest shit.  Hulk and Sullivan fight on the scaffolding, with Hulk literally trying to murder Sullivan.  Hulk and Sullivan get down to the floor.  Lex and Macho follow.  Zeus and Bane aren't even out there.  3 god damn cages and they can't stay in ANY of them?  Hulk hits the big boot in the main ring.  Now the rest of the guys are heading out of the cages.  "This has been spectacular."  "Yes it has.  Yes it has."  I mean, maybe if you go by the text book definition.  Oh, the other guys were all eliminated so they just went to the back.  Glad that the heels are following the rules in the DOOMSDAY CAGE match.  Zeus and Bane finally make it out.  It gets to the bottom ring of the cage for the first time.  God I can't believe I'm watching this without alcohol.  This is just the worst.  Oh man, that Hulk/Zeus showdown we've all been waiting for since 1989.  Arn and Flair come back. Wtf, this match was build upon Hulk getting a TELEGRAM on Saturday Night a month ago.  A TELEGRAM.  The ASS MAN arrives with frying pans.  CZW!  Lex comes back.  He puts a loaded dish washing glove on and does the worst "accidental punch" spot in history.  Macho pins Flair and the Mega Force leave the cage winners.  OR WAS THAT PUNCH ACCIDENTAL?  Sure, it makes total sense in a 2-8 match to have the world champion be the one to take the pin.

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You know a show is terrible when an 18 minute Konnan match isn't even close to the worst thing on it.  Regal/Finlay was rad.  Everything else is GARBAGE.  Holy shit was the main event the dumbest thing I've ever seen.  The 30 minute street fight of completely aimless brawling was awful.  The 2 minutes of Loch Ness/Giant were awful.  The 4 minutes of Parker/Madusa were awful. 

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