WWF Survivor Series 1999
Godfather/D'Lo Brown/Headbangers vs Dudley Boys/Acolytes
First, wtf the Headbangers in 1999? Don't worry, you'll get to say WTF THE HEADBANGERS IN 2016?!?! one day, too. Second, all members of the face team were dressed as pimps. Speech impediment hate speech at the start of the match. I don't remember this APA music at all. Bubba and Mosh begin the match. Mosh got all moshy and Bubber laid him out. JBL tags in and beats the shit out of Thrasher. Clothesline from Hell quickly eliminates him. "She could suck the numbers right off my credit card..." 3D gets rid of Mosh. D'lo knocks JBL off the apron. Bradshaw responds by getting a chair, full force baseball swinging at D'Lo, and then destroying the chair on Bubba Ray's head. Then Faarooq and D-Von get into it. They're counted out, which leaves Bubba as the only man on his team. Super Bubba Bomb! Dang. And D'Lo kicks out. D'Lo gets the win with the frog splash. A lot of shine for Mr. Bully Ray. Tim White got to dance with the ladies of the night again.
Kurt Angle vs Shawn Stasiak
Kurt Angle's official WWF debut. Immediate fireman's carry from Kurt. JR said "quite frankly" an awful lot in the Attitude Era, tbh. The crowd starts randomly chanting for the Red Wings. King and JR both have to justify a wrestler actually wrestling and why the fans might not be used to such action. Kurt grabs the mic and tells the crowd not to boo an Olympic gold medalist. Meat hits a modified F5. Angle wins with the Olympic Slam. I'm not sure it was a good idea to debut him against another heel, especially one that had no heat. But you can tell this guy could be something special someday.
EARLIER TONIGHT. HHH tried to instigate a fight between Austin and Rock on Heat. Then DX hit the ring, but Austin and Rock fought them off.
Val Venis/Mark Henry/Gangrel/Steve Blackman vs British Bulldog/Mean Street Posse
These could be the two most random teams in SS history. Val and Bulldog begin. LOL at Pete Gas doing anything. Hilariously bad. Blackman quickly eliminates him. Rodney is out to the Impaler. Well, at least the two non-wrestlers are gone. Joey Abs gone to a splash from Mark. This is basically a squash. Bulldog is depressing to watch, but he eliminates Gangrel with a superplex. Which he lands right on his tailbone performing since he can't take a flat back bump anymore. Perfect Plex OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates Blackman. This is weird. Bulldog is definitely a heel, but the other team is also heel, and Bulldog is fighting underneath like a face. He's eliminated after a splash from Mark and the Money Shot.
TO THE COLE. Mike enters the women's locker room and they all hit on him.
Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah/Tori/Debra vs Jacqueline/Ivory/Luna/Terri
I'm sure the idea of "sudden death" was just a coincidence with Mae and Moolah in the match. Moolah and Mae attack Ivory on the floor. Apparently tags on the floor are legal in this. WE WANT PUPPIES chant starts almost immediately. Now, there are actual wrestlers in this, but you couldn't tell because they botch everything. Moolah pins Ivory within about 90 seconds. Then Debra starts stripping Terri.
TO THE LILIAN. Is X-Pac ready to face an angry Kane tonight? The answer is, "Yeah, uh". Also, Kane is impotent.
X-Pac vs Kane
Syxx attacks during Kane's pyro, which doesn't work out for him. Then Kane gets his balls smashed and X-Pac stays in control. This is weird. It's a backwards David and Goliath story. Road Dogg and HHH hit the ring and caused a DQ after a few minutes. Tori ran out to stop X-Pac, and X-Pac instinctively spin kicked her. Okay.
TO THE COLE. Rock starts his promo when HHH walks into it and they start fighting.
Prince Albert/Mideon/Viscera/Big Boss Man vs Big Show
Show quickly eliminates Albert/Mideon/Mable with chokeslams. Then Boss Man bails. So Big Show won a 4 on 1 handicap match in under 90 seconds.
TO THE HERMIE. Austin is about to do a promo when HHH runs in and spits water in his face. Austin chases HHH away to the parking lot. MY GOD THAT CAR JUST RAN OVER AUSTIN! OH MY GOD. Oh dear God. Vince McMahon runs out to check on him, along with Stephanie, Test, Shane, and EMTs. Vince immediately accuses HHH and they have a pull apart. This goes on for a LONG time.
Chris Jericho vs Chyna WWF Intercontinental Championship
Jericho shoves The Kat down. Chyna and Kat stomp him for it. This isn't good. Jericho working at half speed, Chyna looking lost. Jericho tried a low blow, which didn't work. She's not a man, you see. Don't treat her like a man. But don't treat her like a woman. Treat her for who she is. Jericho cheats a lot, using the ring, table, guardrail, cords. Basically everything. He also forces himself on Miss Kitty. Right in front of King. King Cuckold? Gross. This suuuucks. And again, Chyna is dominated until another woman makes a distraction. Jericho was probably thinking he should have stayed in WCW at this point. He was getting paid to not even be on TV instead of be in an embarrassing angle with Chyna and having to wrestle for two. Jericho kicks out of the pedigree. He pretty much no sells it and has Chyna in the Walls of Jericho seconds later. Chyna fights to the ropes. Chyna wins after a distraction from Kitty, a low blow, and an avalanche pedigree. Title retained. I guess Jericho agreed to have a sex change if he lost this match.
TO THE BACK. X-Pac and HHH enter the McMahon locker room looking for Vince. Vince went to the hospital with Austin. HHH just wanted to make sure the title match was no longer a triple threat.
Holly Cousins/Too Cool vs Edge & Christian/Hardy Boys
Edge and Scotty start the match. JR admits he isn't interested in this match. Matt got Crash on the ropes and DRILLED him with a Misawa elbow. God damn. That was stiff as fuck. Big dive sequence. Man. Survivor Series has sucked besides a handful of matches since 1990. All downhill from there. All downhill for that camera man that got wiped out, too. So many god damn spears from Edge. Some miscommunications lead to Edge and Matt being eliminated. Jeff pinned Scotty with a 450. Whatever. Wrap it up. Hardcore counters Poetry in Motion with a missile dropkick. Brian Christopher immediately pins Jeff. Then Christian immediately pins Brian, leaving the Hollys and Christian left. King and JR start arguing and it ruins the flow of the match, which already had no heat. Hardcore Holly is the sole survivor.
TO THE BACK. JR gets an update on Austin from Shane. Austin didn't lose consciousness, but did get hurt. No way. There will still be a triple threat tonight.
New Age Outlaws vs Mankind/Al Snow WWF Tag Team Championships
"Mankind gave Al Snow head last Thursday night on Smackdown." Crowd really died knowing that Austin isn't going to be in the main event that they paid to see. Heel DX is dog shit. This is boring and mostly heatless. Just brutal. NAO pinned Foley with a spike piledriver. Titles retained. Boy was this not an entertaining match in the least.
The Rock vs Triple H vs Big Show WWF Championship
Not only was Austin originally supposed to be in this, but Vince McMahon was supposed to be the ref. HHH and Rock start the match by double teaming Big Show. Not that it matters for long. I'll say this for Show, he looks in shape and motivated. Not a lot of matches like that to find. HHH looks darker than Rock. So much boring brawling. And on the floor. 80% of the HHH/Austin match last month took place in the aisle and this match isn't much different. Why even have the ring? This shit right here is how Backstage Assault got greenlit and made. The biggest spot in the match was Big Show getting double suplexed through the Spanish announce table. "Add-E-Os." Has JR really never heard any words in Spanish? Of course there is a ref bump. Why not? Rock Bottom! Shane runs down to count the pin. 2 count. Another Rock Bottom. This time Show pulls Shane out. Shane got pedigreed. DX hits the ring. There really was no reason to wait since triple threats are no DQ from the start. Vince McMahon himself stomps down to the ring. He hits HHH with the title. Chokeslam. New champion! Lost his dead daddy and won the title in the same week.
Real shit show here. Nothing is worth watching. The main event got changed in the middle of the show with no warning to the people who paid to see that very main event. The angle should have been done on Raw or Smackdown, with a mystery person to be plugged in at the PPV. The crowd just died after the Austin thing. So did commentary. It's a shitty show, the norm in the Attitude Era.