WWE Survivor Series 2016

Raw Women vs Smackdown Women

Carmella STILL getting zero reaction is hilarious. Team captain Nikki Bell doesn't make her entrance, because...

TO THE BACK. Nikki was attacked from behind and is not cleared to compete, so Bryan subs team coach Natalya in. This is about as hilarious bad of a backstage segment as you can get. It's amazing. 

Pretty weird that Nikki was team captain to begin with, considering  the SD women's champion is also on the team. Carmella and Alica Fox begin. Has Alicia won a match in 5 years? Becky and Bayley get tagged in, but Charlotte tags her self in. What a heel. Champion vs champion! And then Sasha tags herself in. Charlotte starts arguing with Sasha and Bayley, and then all hell breaks loose, with all the women in the ring brawling. Now, despite SD looking like the jobber team, Raw's team can't seem to get along very well, so that might come back to haunt them. Nia just running through the entire SD team is great. She's on her Aja Kong shit tonight. The worst thing about Carmella is that every match has the moonwalk, which means JBL has to give Michael Hayes a shout out. Fox eliminates Carmella! That has to be her first PPV win in ages. Bliss immediately eliminates her, evening the score. Naomi gets a lot of shine (no pun intended), busting one of Bayley's ovaries, then hitting a big dive on Nia. Then gets counted out after getting splattered on the floor. This crowd is bugging the shit out of me. Every count the ref does, they say TEN. Fucking Tye Dillinger. Sasha goes on a big run. I'm still confused at why she's a face. She did nothing to turn. It's just like, "Well, the crowds like her, so I guess she's a face", but she's a terrible face. Nattie eliminates her with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. LOL. Crowd didn't know how to react. Mad Sasha was gone so early, but happy Nattie was the one to do it. I have to wonder why they didn't put Nattie in the match to begin with. Surely she deserved the spot more than Carmella, right? Nattie gets to use the sharpshooter, in the first match, much like NXT. Hopefully that means no screw job. Unless you count the big boot Charlotte eliminated her with right after. Down to two, Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss start arguing. Kind of a bad time to start that shit, guys. Luckily, they come together to double team Nia Jax...who is having none of it. She's looked like a monster every time she's been active, and it's awesome. Her double suplex got a holy shit chant. I mean, it was cool, and I enjoy that spot, but a holy shit chant for that? After some awkwardness, Becky makes Nia tap out, making things 2 on 2. Nia attacked her, and Bliss got hit with a big boot while getting Becky out of the ring. Becky is now going it alone against Charlotte and Bayley. I should point out, Bayley hasn't done shit in this match. "First of all, Mauro's not that intelligent." Lol. Best thing JBL has said in years. When Bayley finally tags in, she and Becky have about 2 minutes of an exchange and then she hits the belly to belly to win. Raw wins! Naturally, Charlotte beats the shit out of Bayley, her upcoming opponent, after the match. LOL at her using Bayley's headband to rubber band shoot at the ref. 

 
 

Outside of a few awkward spots, this was a lot of fun. Everyone got their time to shine, Nia in particular looked like a killer, although I'm not a big fan of the abrupt finish of Bayley going over the SD champ to further a feud with the Raw champ.


TO THE BACK. James Ellsworth is wandering around, soaking it all in. He's met by The Club, who make a barrage of chin puns. As they pick on him, Raw GM Mick Foley tells them to back off. James marks out over all the terrible things that have happened to Mick's body. Mick then makes a random jerk off joke. Mick tries to get Ellsworth to jump to Raw. Then, Braun Strowman shows up. "Don't I know you?" LOL. Dat continuity.


The Miz vs Sami Zayn WWE Intercontinental Championship

If Sami wins this match, the IC title comes to Raw. Sami looks like he's having a bad bulk and is trying to cover it up by pulling his tights up higher. It's not working. Miz's storyline of constantly being mean to Daniel Bryan has been the best thing. When is Sami going to blow out a knee/ankle doing that dive feint thing? So needlessly showy, and as he puts on bulk, he hits it less clean each time. I fear for his ACL. A Maryse distraction allows Miz to hit a chop block, so the rest of the match is focused on Sami's leg.  I really don't understand how none of the 4 announcers recognize when Miz is doing Bryan's moves to taunt him. After 3 attempts, Sami finally hits the tope, which was certainly a high risk maneuver considering Miz's reputation for not catching people. Sami gets Miz in the figure four. Maryse rings the bell. Sami thought he won, but the match continued. Roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. Miz wins! Title retained. LOL. Sami stays losing all the damn time. Ya ain't shit, ginger. Solid match.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles shit talk and start arguing about their TLC match in 2 weeks. Shane McMahon breaks them up. Why does Shane McMahon have bigger arms and more definition than Dean Ambrose? 


Raw Tag Teams vs Smackdown Tag Teams

Enzo and Cass cut the most sickeningly pandering bullshit promo you've ever heard before the match. They should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know why Fandango and Tyler Breeze are now cops, but lol at how Fandango has clearly given up, losing all definition in his abs and pulling his pants up higher to hide it. Speaking of Fandango, he's eliminated right away by New Day, after giving out fashion tickets to everyone in the match. And THEN, Kofi is immediately hit with an Uso superkick. New Day is gone! What an upset. Also changes the complexion of the match entirely, because I think everyone was expecting New Day to win or at least be a main focus of the match like usual. Hype Bros get Carmella like heat. AKA: None at all. Fucking dying at Zach Ryder dominating the Bullet Club. I mean, they eliminated him, but still. Heath Slater is the most over dude in this match, which is great. Heath Slater is great at everything he does. Nice to see him finally actually get over. The Shining Stars get a ton of shine in this. Certainly something they desperately needed. SD clearly has the much better set of teams, even with the Hype Bros on the team. American Alpha hit the Steiner Bulldog on Primo. I'm actually getting annoyed with how much AA straight steals from the Steiners without attempting to make it their own at all. This match also has a big stand off ---> brawl spot, which is kind of weird. I assume the main tag will, too. Luckily, this all builds to a Heath Slater stage dive, which he's been practicing in his above ground pool. Oh shit, Chaos Theory to Cesaro! This is followed by a crazy belly to belly tope from American Alpha. Some crazy air on that. The Club eliminates them shortly after. How sad. The only thing The Club should be eliminating is the mayo, on account of them being fat. How you doin'? See, I can come up with shit just as good as whatever the fuck Enzo is saying these days. Rhyno eliminates Festus with a gore. Enzo and Cass then eliminate the SD champs, leaving the Usos as the only guys left for SD. Enzo's gone! So now it's Usos vs Sheamus/Cesaro. Sheamus and Cesaro, the team that only exists because WWE's obsession with 50/50 booking led to a best of 7 series that ended in a draw. Cesaro actually takes the bullet of a double superkick to save his team. God, when Cesaro gets the tag in, he does the spottiest shit. In a match with 20 people, he does more spots in 2 minutes than the rest of the match combined. Not even good looking ones, either. That 619 is TERRIBLE. The running uppercuts are TERRIBLE. Wait a sec. CESARO gets to win with the sharpshooter in Canada, a move he stole from a Hart-in law, but the actual Hart on the card can't win with it? The fuck? After the match, Sheamus finally offers his hand to Cesaro only to too slow him. SWERVE! Raw is up 2-1. This was also a lot of fun, Cesaro picking up the win not withstanding. Cesaro also celebrates with some Bret Hart sunglasses at ringside...does he know teaming with Tyson Kidd for a few months doesn't make him an actual member of the Hart family?

 
 

TO THE BACK. Stephanie and Mick Foley celebrate Raw's wins.


Brian Kendrick vs Kalisto WWE Cruiserweight Championship

If Kalisto wins, the entire cruiserweight division moves to SD. Not that it really matters, since they're getting their own show in two days anyway. Who gives a shit what brand the division is on when they have their own show? And why the fuck was Kalisto drafted to the show without the cruiserweight division in the first place? Kalisto starts out with a big flurry of offense and flippy dippies. Spanky slows it down with a pretty dope Saito suplex. I was all about Spanky during the CWC, but what the fuck is up with his terrible gear? Looks like an oil puddle in a Walmart parking lot. Look, no one is looking for a cruiserweight match full of cravats and headlocks. This type of stuff is why the cruiserweights have been so DOA after the CWC. The whole thing about cruiserweights is that they do stuff the rest of the roster can't, but in practice, everyone does dives in every match, and the cruiserweights are having the same matches as everyone else, they're just smaller. It's hard to care about them any more than cards care about random 15 minute matches on Raw, which is not very much. At least they do one big spot: A Spanish Fly off the apron. That's followed by Spanky doing an avalanche saka otoshi, which looked like Kalisto landed on his fucking head. JEEEEEZUS. This match goes on for what feels like a long ass time with no heat, and then Baron Corbin hits the ring to attack both men, causing the match to be thrown out. they should have sent him out 4 minutes earlier.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Daniel Bryan confronts Corbin for costing SD the entire division. "The last thing we need is a bunch more little pests running around here." Lol, another guy being mean to Bryan.


Raw vs Smackdown

AJ/Shane/Bray/Orton/Dean against Roman/Seth/Braun/Jericho/KO. God, I can't believe Roman is STILL getting nuclear heat. Jesus Christ, you fucks, get over it. Jericho and KO are super over, because it's Canada, but AJ is so god damn over. Jesus. Seth is wearing a shirt that is half Raw/half his own shirt, and it looks fucking stupid. I'm sure it is supposed to signify that he's still an egomaniac and cares as much about himself as this brand shit, but it looks fucking dumb. This really does feel like a big deal, and I can only imagine how weak these matches would have been if they weren't intra-brand. AJ and KO start. Champion vs champion! AJ feels like he's been in WWE his whole career. It's great. It's so great he made his way there and got treated the way he did. A true once in a generation talent who is working on his 3rd year in a row as wrestler of the year. There's a lot of "guys pair off, tease finishers to show familiarity" type spots early on. LMAO, Shane tags in and immediately potatoes Jericho, who got fucking PISSED. Lol. Don't worry, he got some of his own shots in, including a missile dropkick right to the EYE. This crowd hates Roman so much. It's pretty sad, really. He beats the shit out of Shane, who is already looking like he's on the verge of a heart attack. Roman and Seth are working well as a team. Oh, what a surprise, Dean is in there being terrible. Completely missed his dive. The big stand off spot happens again. SD gets the best of it, it seems. Man, look at the difference between KO and Bray Wyatt. That's the difference between a fat guy and a football player. AJ and Dean get into it again. Shane tries to break them up, but Strowman then eliminates Dean and AJ doesn't even try to break the pin. Man, Braun is the HOSS I've been waiting for. He's WRECKING SD. It's fucking awesome. YES, a showdown with Bray and Braun. Bray still has a power over him. OR DOES HE?!?! Bruan attacks Bray! I'm so into Bruan, brehs. LOL at Orton trying to RKO Braun on the table, and it not breaking. Why the fuck can't Orton break tables? Shane helps him by hitting the Leap of Faith. My man, you're 46. Chill out with that shit. Stroman was about to make it back in the ring, but someone from UNDER the ring grabbed his foot. IT'S JAMES ELLSWORTH! Loooooooooooooooooooooooool. Ellsworth finally got his revenge! Then Braun gets his revenge by throwing James off the stage. THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY, DAMN IT.

 
 

We're about to hit a half hour in, with only 2 eliminations. This is gonna go all night, and really, it should, because this is pretty dope. A lot of fun interactions in this. Remember one of those awful Dean/Jericho matches earlier in 2016 where Jericho did  the Lionsault and Dean got his knees up, but then they just sat there confused and Jericho called for a small package? That happened again here, and it was just as awkward. Shane ends up as FIP, which is kind of weird. On one hand, it makes sense that the Raw team would beat on the non-wrestler, but having Shane work so much of this match is strange to me. Holy shit, WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens got eliminated for hitting WWE Champion AJ Styles with A CLIPBOARD. Lmao. And Jericho, who was very upset at the state of his list, was immediately eliminated with an RKO OUTTA SOMEWHERE, leaving Roman and Seth representing Raw. I'm for sure down for more Roman/AJ matches. Holy shit at Shane DOMINATING Seth and Roman. That's amazing. Not as amazing was Roman spearing him out of a Coast to Coast attempt, which was fucking BRUTAL. Shane is instantly concussed, Roman gave himself the most gnarly DDT of all time. Brain dead Shane instinctively kicks out, then looks over to his FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW. The ref eliminates him and medical staff comes to check on him. Orton goes over to Shane's kids to tell them their dad is okay. What I THINK happened was the top of Roman's head hit Shane in the chin, then Shane's head bounced off the mat. Whatever it was, he was FUCKED up. What's really weird is that the medical staff just kind of dragged him out of the ring and almost let him fall out of the ring head first. No way Roman didn't get fucked up on that, too. Roman and Seth find themselves on the floor, next to the tables, with Orton. Oh shit. Shield bomb incoming? Oh shit, Dean Ambrose is back. IT'S HAPPENING. Fuck y'all security guards. The Shield rides again! AJ is put through the table. AJ is out!

 
 

 

Wait. Where the fuck did Luke Harper come from? JEEEEZZZUS that superkick to Roman. Seth goes for the frog splash on Bray. RKO. OUTTA NOWHERE! BANG! Roman is the last man left, and boy, is he looking worse for the wear. Can barely walk, face all welted up, probably has a concussion himself. Orton takes a spear for Bray, who hits a disgusting Sister Abigail. Smackdown wins!  Holy shit, that was dope. About an hour long, so many character moments and angles progressing during this. A top tier SS match, on par with the 2014 greatness.

 
 

Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

#BigFightFeel. Goldberg is back, brehs. He's really back. And he looks like Goldberg. OMG, the full backstage entrance. The WCW theme. The pyro. You could say...I'M MARKING OUT, BRO. Brock immediately shoots a double and throws Goldberg into the corner. Goldberg shoves him down. Brock laughs. SPEAR! HOLY SHIT. ANOTHER SPEAR. JACKHAMMER! GOLDBERG JUST SQUASHED BROCK LESNAR in 90 seconds! WCW HAS FINALLY WON THE MONDAY NIGHT WAR! 

After the match, Goldberg goes to celebrate with his wife and son, the entire reason he came back. Father and son, in tears. The feels.

"With the right sort of inspiration, men can do superhuman things."  
 

 
 

For sure, and it's not even close, the best PPV WWE put on in 2016. Maybe even the best since WM 30. What a fun show. The actual SS tags were so dope, especially the main one. Really felt like Survivor Series for the first time in a LONG time. This felt like the 2016 version of the 1987-1990 Survivor Series, which is great. Nothing on this show topped the greatness of DIY/Revival the night before, but this was definitely a better over all show than Takeover. The Goldberg squash was incredible. What a great moment. Goldberg comes back because he wants to be a super hero for his wife and son, who had never seen him perform, and he comes back and demolishes Brock Lesnar like his name was Jerry Flynn. Amazing. Probably going to be the moment of the year. WCW WON! 

This show had what has been missing from WWE for years: Character moments and FUN. All of the SS matches had tons of moments where everyone got to shine, storylines were progressed for each show, fans got to cheer and boo both sides so there was never any down time  and you could, in theory, have a FIP or hot tag segment for EVERY SEGMENT of the match, from either side. Then you had Goldberg becoming the undisputed most powerful wrestler of all time in WWE canon, which is awesome. WCW finally won. But what this really means is that Bret Hart is truly cemented as the GOAT, as he has FOUR wins over the most powerful wrestler of all time in WWE canon. #ExcellenceofExecution. 

WWE Survivor Series 2015
wwe_survivor_series_2015_official_poster_by_jahar145-d9eg3ui.jpg

Miz/Bo Dallas/Stardust/Ascension vs Neville/Titus O'Neil/Dudley Boyz/Goldust

Getting some real 1988 vibes from these teams. I normally don't do pre-show stuff, but I feel obligated since this is a Survivor Series type match.  AH WHAT THE FUCK VIKTOR IS A SPIDER. 2spooky. I'm starting to like the Ascension. They do some really goofy shit. Goldy is making his return from a bad shoulder injury, and it looks like the Dust Brothers feud will continue. He also eliminates Viktor 40 seconds into the match with a powerslam. It's going to be one of those matches, I guess. I still can't figure out why the Dudleys were brought back. Their feud with New Day did nothing for either side, and now they're doing pre-show matches. They'd probably be better served to be in NXT, working with the young talent, especially as NXT is trying to rebuild tag team wrestling right now. Neville hits a big dive on the whole heel team. Bubba then eliminates Konnor with a uranage. Poor dudes, losing to signature moves and not even finishers. It's a nothing pre-show match. You can't expect too much from it. Weirdly, Neville was the only member of the face team to be eliminated. I...want to see the Ascension get more screen time. But without Stardust, because Stardust is fucking terrible.


The official show starts with a bombastic rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, no doubt sending a message to ISIS. USA USA USA.


Roman Reigns vs Alberto Del Rio WWE WHC Semi-Finals

Ugh. Del Rio. Starting the show off with the most boring guy on the roster. It took him one minute into his return match to do rest holds and remind everyone why his entire first run was a blur. It sucks, because Roman has had so many great matches this year, and that streak is likely to come to an end. Roman seems to be adding more power moves to his arsenal, which is great. The story here appears to be Del Rio focusing on Roman's shoulder, which was targeted in the last round by Cesaro. Some good, solid tournament booking there. And then ADR drops into rest holds. Something that has always bothered me about ADR is that he spends most of the match kicking people in the head to set up for the armbar. His psychology leaves a lot to be desired. And you know what is even dumber? He's working the wrong arm. I also have a real issue with him egging on the SI chants. Both because he's a heel and that's weird and because he's completely shameless in stealing Bryan's thing. Roman is able to avoid the tree of Keanu double stomp, however, ADR tweaked his knee on the landing. But friends, it was all a SWERVE! His knee was fine, he was luring Roman into a spear so he could kick him in the head instead. A kick which beat Cena last month in 7 minutes. And speaking of Cena, the fans are now doing "Let's Go Roman, Roman Sucks" chants. He's over like Rover. They aren't saying shit about Del Rio. It's all about Roman. Shout out to Rampage Jackson. ADR is able to get the cross arm breaker on, but Roman was able to lift out and hit the spear. I don't like ADR at all, but this was a very solid match, with a hot finishing sequence. Instead of guys kicking out of finishers, they're teased and countered, with the match ending when it actually connects. Roman advances to the finals.


TO THE JOJO. Jojo is so pretty. And tiny. She talks to Roman about his win. Dean Ambrose shows up and they wish each other luck. Then Kevin Owens shows up to shit talk. He points out that Roman has been close to the title a few times this year and there is always someone to stop him. Like Kevin Owens.


Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens WWE WHC Semi-Finals

Now for me, either way this goes makes for an interesting main event. The contrast and chemistry between Roman and KO is great. The story of Dean and Roman putting their brohood aside for the title is good. It's a win-win, no matter who wins. The main roster has been very hard on KO. All the weight he had lost in NXT has come back. Plus more. He looks to be bigger than he's ever been. It might be best for him to put on even more weight. He's too short to look good if he dropped it and got in shape, and he can put on another 15-20 and be a legit fat bruiser dude instead of a guy with a huge gut. More fat guy offense, less moonsaults and swantons, please. The fans here are doing dueling chants for both men. Which shows you that no one gives a fuck about ADR. And touching on ADR, he does rest holds because he's boring and doesn't know what else to do. He does them to fill time. KO does them to antagonize the fans and shit talk his opponent, while actually working the holds instead of lazily slapping on a chinlock. What I'm trying to say is ADR sucks. One thing that I really enjoy about KO is he's great at cutting off momentum of a face. Also his shit talk to Cole for no reason. In general, he interacts so much more with the audience than the rest of the roster, which is what he was hired for. He really stands out in that regard. Yes, he goes a bit overboard with some of his dumb indie moves at times, but he's really cut down on that in the last two months. He's a very complete talent right now, always fun to watch. Very similar to Rusev. Dean is able to counter the pop-up powerbomb in three different ways, then gets the win by hitting his finisher one time. Both of these matches have done a good job of not finisher spamming and making them count when they are hit. Dean advances to the finals. While there really wasn't much of a story in this, it was a very enjoyable match.


This TLC ad is amazing and I would LOVE it if WWE actually made the game. A 16 bit action/platformer with wrasslers? Give it to me, please.

 
 

Ryback/Lucha Dragons/Usos vs New Day/Sheamus/King Barrett

New Day has their best pre-match promo probably since Summerslam. It's amazing. Xavier's hair is HEAVENLY. KANG Barrett. Sheamus getting into the music and really feeling himself. Just wonderful stuff. Then Sheamus has that moment that many white men have had: Trying to say something cool around a group of black guys and coming off as a lame white guy. Even the crowd felt bad for him. 

 
 

Xavier's hair is too fly for this show. Oh you fucking Uso. You fucked his hair up! Fucking asshole. I enjoy that Lucha Dragons and Usos are in matching gear. But then Ryback throws the whole color scheme off. Topes in Quadraphonics! And then Ryback does a dive himself. We got us flying everythings. Fucking LOOOOOL at Wade trying to dance with New Day. It's nice to know that even white guys from the UK can't dance. Even KANGs are not exempt. KANG is also the first to be eliminated. Right after embarrassing himself with his shitty dancing. Dang. DANG KANG. Big E and Sheamus get into it over who got to make an elimination. Big E then gets eliminated after a combo of moves. He's hurt, guys. Xavier and Kofi leave with him, because HE'S HURT. They can't leave their alpha unicorn! They have to take him to the doctor! Lol. This leaves Sheamus on his own against Jey, Ryback, and Kalisto. Cool to see Kalisto getting time without Sin Cara to drag him down.  He puts up a good fight, but is eliminated by a superkick and Kalisto doing a rana into the arms of Ryback for the Shellshock. Fun match.


Paige vs Charlotte WWE Diva's Championship

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This is built on a few months of Paige being sick of Charlotte, but mostly on her promo where she shit talked Reid Flair for being a weak bitch for ODing. And that promo proved how fucking soft wrestling fans and WWE have become, as people got upset enough that WWE had to release a statement about it. For years, fans have complained that heels can't be heels AND are all into the shooty shit. A heel then acts like a heel with a shooty comment and they can't handle it. Fucking weak. Anyway, this match starts out with...Charlotte smiling and mat wrestling. Not quite the reaction you'd expect after Raw. They are really knocking the shit out of each other, though. Very likely the stiffest match women have had in WWE. It's just not angry fighting like you'd expect. I just can't get into Charlotte. I can't believe how hard I bought into her being incredible and totally ready based on NXT. She's the least interesting woman in the entire division now. Really wonky psychology, unbelievably wooden promos. She is good at selling, but little else at this point. This is competent, but Charlotte has negative charisma. It's crazy to think David Flair had more charisma than her. I don't understand it. Charlotte wins after doing a really bad looking spear on the guardrail and then applying the figure eight. Title retained. I don't know. Charlotte is really uninteresting to watch. She's not ready for being a road wrestler.


EARLIER TONIGHT. Jojo spoke with Dean right after his match. Dean and Roman knew this day would come, and he loves Roman like a brother, but they're going to fight tonight.


Tyler Breeze vs Dog Ziggler

Man, Ziggler looks even shittier than normal. Fuck Dog. I'm sad that Breeze got called up and was immediately tanked with a feud with Dolph fucking Ziggler. What a death sentence. You're immediately telling people that this person doesn't matter. Breeze has an interesting variation on the rolling crab, transitioning to it from a rolling knee bar. Too bad Ziggler's way of selling it is to randomingly grab his knee, yet have no issue whatsoever doing his big jumping elbow, jumping fameasser, or superkicks. Breeze gets the win with his new finisher, The Unprettier. Finally, the name for that move actually makes sense for the wrestler using it. Hopefully this is the end of this feud and Tyler can move on since he won completely clean.


Brothers of Destruction vs Wyatt Family

Taker has a pretty rad entrance that was WM worthy. However, I'm not interested in more Undertaker nostalgia. It works when he's around once a year. It doesn't do anything for me when it's been four months in a row. And WWE has been doing Taker nostalgia for a decade now. I'm over it. I don't need to see him, I have no nostalgia left for him. Survivor Series 2000 was built on it being Taker's 10th anniversary. Fifteen years later and we're doing it again. Hard to get excited.  This was just a showcase for Taker to do all of his classic spots and defeat the spooky monsters without much effort. It's fine for what it was. If you were into it, more power to you. Twenty-five years is an impressive run for sure. I just am not interested in seeing Taker. The reason the Taker/Brock matches worked so well is because they weren't just simple nostalgia matches and added something to the show that other people weren't doing. Coming back just to do nothing matches with no meaning so you can pop people with the spots you did 25 years ago seems like a waste to me.


Dean Ambrose vs Roman Reigns WWE World Heavyweight Championship

These guys start the match immediately punching the shit out of each other. Both guys have a real edge to them, which is good for both and the story. Really puts over the importance of being the champion when these guys put their friendship aside to throw bombs and not feel bad. Dean continues the arm work that Cesaro and ADR started. Tournament long booking psychology. So dope. I love that kind of shit. Fans are again doing the "Let's Go Roman, Roman sucks" chants, which is curious since the internet tells me that Dean Ambrose is the most over guy on the roster, yet the fans aren't chanting anything for him. Dean kicks out of the spear, which really should have been sold a lot harder by the announcers. Brock Lesnar is the only guy to have kicked out of the spear. This should be a huge moment, but it just kind of went by with little comment or reaction because WWE has so conditioned the fans to know that no one is losing to one finisher in the main event. Roman also kicked out of the Dirty Deeds, which was sold as a bigger deal. Weird. Normally I'd shit all over the finisher spam stuff, but tonight they made a concerted effort to avoid doing that all night so it would have some meaning in the main event. The lack of fan reaction doesn't negate the good booking of that. You can't change the audience expectations in one night, but it worked for me. Also worked for me is when both guys were on the mat and just started punching each other in the face. Brothers are going to hit each other hard than they'd hit someone else. Roman hits the spear and finally reaches the top of the mountain. Dean hugs Roman after the match and both are nearly in tears. I'm SO happy they didn't have one of them turn heel. It's so much better this way. They're truly bros, even if they just beat the shit out of each other. 

During the celebration, HHH comes out to congratulate Roman. Roman spears him. Then Sheamus hits the ring. NOOOOOOOO.


Sheamus vs Roman Reigns WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Sheamus cashes in! Nooooo! He stole the title! New champion. Roman's reign has ended as soon as it began. Roman can't hide his tears. 

 
 

Pretty good show. The tournament matches delivered, and the SS match was fun. While I'm sick of Taker stuff, it's not like the match was bad or anything. I liked the three rounds of guys working on Roman's arm, and the dynamic of Roman/Dean not changing after the match. Everyone wanted a big heel turn, and I'm so happy they didn't get it. Roman and Dean should be bros forever. That they beat the shit out of each other and still hugged and got teary eyed together is rad. I wasn't very happy with Sheamus cashing in, not because of some "fuck Sheamus" sentiment because he's also rad, but because Roman has been THE GUY in my eyes for most of the year and I was ready to see him be a dominant champ. But this kind of story always works and I'm sure they're going to have a stiff as fuck match at TLC that will be very enjoyable. I can't help but laugh when I was reading comments about how this is too much like Daniel Bryan's story, as if the face reaching the mountaintop and immediately getting knocked off is a unique thing to Daniel Bryan. Dusty Rhodes made his career on that story. 

It's a good thing Reigns vs HHH didn't happen last year like planned, because with Rollins out, Roman/HHH at WM is going to be money. Coming out of this, you've got Roman/Sheamus, presumably Dean/KO, New Day vs Usos, Tyler Breeze hopefully moving away from Ziggler, more screen time for Kalisto, Rhodes Bros resuming...some good stuff to look forward to in the next few weeks.

 

WWE Surivior Series 2003

Team Angle vs Team Lesnar

Angle/Cena/Benoit/Hardcore Holly/Bradshaw.  What a team.  Lesnar/Big Show/Matt Morgan/Nathan Jones/A-Train.  What a team. Cena's opening rippity raps compares himself to a fetus and everyone else as after birth.  "He's a giant.  I'm a giant whistle, so go ahead and blow me."  Clever.  Yo, Nathan Jones is HUGE.  What a jacked mother fucker.  I can see why Vince tried with him.  Bobcore attacks Bork while Brock was doing his jumping pyro thing.  Then he shoves a ref and is immediately disqualified before the match even officially begins.  Lol.  Albert and JBL begin the match.  And then Albert is quickly eliminated with the Clothesline from Hell.  Then he's almost immediately chokeslammed and eliminated.  It's one of those kind of matches, I see.  Cena and Bork square off.  It's nice to see that Matt Morgan NEVER improved.  Dude was just as shitty during his main event run in TNA as he was here in 2003.  Actually, I'm not sure Cena has improved much, either.  Benoit gives Bork THE BUSINESS.  He's also more over than Cener.  Crazy that Brock is actually the smallest guy on his team.  Benoit gets stuck in a pretty long FIP segment.  Angle has yet to get involved.  Until now.  Rolling Germans to Morgan.  Basement dropkick to Jones.  German to Brock.  Basement dropkick to Show.  HE'S KURTING UP!  Angle slam eliminates Morgan.  Jones gets clocked with a Show lariato.  Ankle lock puts him out.  Then he turns right into an F5 and is eliminated.  Brock/Show vs Cena/Benoit.  F5 countered into the Iron Crossface.  Brock taps out!  MY GOD!  Benoit does a STANDING flying headbutt.  Weird.  Benoit gets bumped into Cena, which counts as a tag.  Cena uses his chain and then hits the FU on Big Show to get the win.  That's right, Cena's been doing the impossible and putting Show on his shoulders for over a decade now.

TO THE BACK.  Vince meets up with Shane.  He wants to let Shane know how he feels.  A father and son competing in matches against two brothers tonight.  It's a spiritual thang.  He feels protected by a Higher Power.  He IS the Higher Power, though.  Shane feels sorry for Vince.  Vince walks out and runs into Stone Cold.  Austin lol'd.  Then he serioused.  Then he walked off.  That was weird.

Lita vs Molly WWE Women's Championship

Lita is quickly on the offense and dominating until she tries a head scissors and gets tossed to the floor.  Molly keeps Lita grounded, but you can't keep a flyer down, friends.  Lita bomb.  OUTTA NOWHERE.  LIta misses the moonsault.  Then kicks out of the Molly Go Round. Molly wins with a drop toe hold into an exposed turnbuckle.  Title retained.

Kane vs Shane McMahon Ambulance Match

Kane almost dies on the first spot by landing on his head getting dumped over the top rope.  The Spanish announce table comes into play right away.  Leap of faith connects.  It's like...2 minutes in.  Seems like a spot to save for later in the match.  Shane runs into the crowd, hoping Kane will follow.  He does, because he's a dumb shit like that.  To the back we go.  Until the camera cuts out and they have to send a second camera man back since all you got to see was a black screen.  Shane legit hits Kane in the ass with a kendo stick and then tries to back into him.  Apparently he did.  It sent Kane through the security booth.  Then he gets on a walkie talkie for the ambulance.  "Kane is literally dead weight."  Well, he's not dead, so you're literally wrong, Jim.  LOL the camera cuts out AGAIN.  3rd camera man gets sent to the back as the fans boo again.  JR again uses literally incorrectly.  Does he think he's Gorilla or something?  The head back into the arena and Shane's head cracks the windshield of the ambulance. Shane drills Kane in the head with the ambulance door.  GOD DAMN.  That gave me a concussion.  Jesus Christ.  That was fucking brutal. The sound was disgusting.  I have no idea how it didn't bust Kane open and break his brain forever.  Shane puts down what is clearly a giant pad/cardboard box so he can do a Van Terminator off the ambulance.  Shane gets Kane in the ambulance, but Kane drags him in as well.  Get MAD, Kane.  Let your inner Damon come out.  This dude tried to crack your half shaved head open.  Tombstone on the floor.  Kane wins.  

TO THE MEAN JOSH.  Josh Matthews asks Brock how it feels that his team lost and that he tapped out.  Brock says neither of those things happened.  Just then, GOLDBERG walks into the interview.  Both champions of their respective brands.  Hands are shaken.  Goldberg is cocky.  Bork is shook.

COACH comes out.  "Here's a guy who should volunteer for enema research."  Wtf, JR?  He lets everyone know that his neck will be fine in a few days.  JR makes another asshole reference.  Coach sees Mark Cuban in the front row.  Coach is going to interview him.  Mark is looking forward to Austin kicking Bischoff's ass tonight.  All referees SUCK.  Bischoff comes out and takes over.  "What happened to the Survivor Series?"  Bischoff invites him Mark into the ring.  Bischoff says he rented the building so he can have Mark thrown out.  Then shoves Mark.  Mark shoves him back.  RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!  My god!

TO THE BACK.  The rest of Evolution is partying.  HHH is about to bang some broads.  Flair cockblocks him, because the champ can't have weak knees before a fight.  Randy comes back and brags about his RKO.  

Basham Brothers vs Los Guerreros WWE Tag Team Championships

Eddie and Chavo have been having some problems lately I guess.  Basham's have new bondage gear for their entrance.  It's been a shitty month for Eddie.  Lost the US and tag titles and had a low rider destroyed.  It's a match, I guess. Shaniqua goes full Chyna on Eddie, slamming him and everything.  Really nothing of note.  Chavo gets pinned with a roll up after accidentally kicking Eddie during a tornado DDT.  Titles retained.

Team Austin vs Team Bischoff

If Team Austin loses, Austin is out as co-GM of Raw.  HBK/Booker/Dudley Boyz/RVD vs Orton/Steiner/Christian/Jericho/Mark Henry.  More weird teams.  Mark wearing a gray singlet is not a good look.  Unless you want a good look of what smashed into Mae Young.  HBK and Austin are the most over guys on the whole show.  And tables.  Christian and Devon start the match.  Yellow and gray camo is gross looking.  So is Christian.  This is almost a best of TNA match.  RVD and Jericho do the enzuigiri spot they did in every match against each other for 14 years.  I wish there had been pre-match promos.  And by promos, I mean a Scott Steiner promo.  Super belly to belly on RVD.  Booker and Scott pair off in the last vestiges of WCW.  Things break down in the Impact Zone.  Stacy gets on the apron and cheers for Book.  Reverse 3D on Steiner.  Book End eliminates Scotty.  World's Strong Slam immediately eliminates Book.  Bubber should start dancing again.  3D on Mizark!  Frog splash.  Mark is eliminated.  HBK and Orton have yet to enter the match.  Orton finally tags in to beat up RVD.  LARIATOOOO.  RKO OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates RVD.  JR randomly drops a LBJ reference with a line about "nut cutting time".  Jericho eliminates Devon with the spinning sleeper slam thing.  Did that ever get a name?  HBK finally tags in like 12 minutes into the match.  Bubber is eliminated after a low blow and Unprettier.  Austin's career depends on HBK and HBK alone. 

Christian sling shots him into the ring post and is suddenly covered in blood.  The Passion of the Shawn.  Superkick OUTTA NOWHERE!  Christian is eliminated!  The irony.  HBK and HHH in this period were fucking ridiculous with their blading.  HBK just kind of floats around, as if the blood loss has made him weightless.  His head is covered.  Half of his face looks like it got the skin sliced off.  Small package OUTTA NOWHERE!  Jericho is gone!  One man for each team remaining.  Jericho drills HBK with a chair.  HBK kicks out!  Ref bump.  Bischoff kicks HBK before he can hit a superkick.  Austin beats his ass.  Stunner on Orton.  BATISTA BOMB OUTTA NOWHERE.  Austin is gone.  He's done. He's finished.  Outta here.  Fired.  Canned.  Given the pink slip.  Laid off.  TERMINATED.  Austin and HBK share a moment.  Austin helps Shawn up, shakes his hand, and DOESN'T stun him.  He helps Shawn to the back and then comes back out for what is his goodbye.  

In a very somber voice, he talks about starting his career in Dallas in 1989.  Shawn's blood on his face makes it look like he has a bloody tear drop.  This is the going away speech that he didn't get to give after WM19.  He says he loves the shit out of the fans and drops the mic.  Then Coach comes out with security.  Cans of whoop ass for everyone are opened.  


Vince McMahon vs Undertaker Buried Alive Match

Vince comes to the ring smugly praying.  Taker is a vengeful god.  Lol, the FIRST PUNCH busts Vince open.  He's trying to out do HBK.  He might have done it, because his head is pissing blood.  Vince gets his grapefruits crushed on two ring posts.  Covered in blood.  Ridiculous.  I don't really miss that kind of stuff.  Blood improves a story sometimes, but it is usually pretty unnecessary.  Even weirder to me that Vince was always pissy about guys blading, yet he would bleed like a stuck pig when in the ring.  Taker goes to the grave just to get the shovel.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking baseball bat swing to the FACE.  Taker tries to break Vince's ankle on the steps like he did in 1998.  This is a brutal beat down.  Everything Bret vs Vince should have been.  Vince finally gets some offense at the grave site: Dirty in the eyes and a low blow.  He hits Taker with a shovel.  It knocks Taker into the grave.  Taker pulls him in and jumps out.  He goes up to the pay loader when there was an explosion.  IT'S THE DAMON KANE!  WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?!?!  THE DAMON KANE!  GUYS, GUYS LOOK.  GUYS.  IT'S THE DAMON KANE, GUYS!  Vince dumps the dirty dirty dirt on Taker.  Vince wins!  Taker got BERRIED.  Yo, Cole has aged a LOT in 11 years.  


Goldberg vs HHH World Heavyweight Championship

HHH went old school and put a bounty on Goldberg.  Bateaster is the one who collected the bounty.  Now, both guys are injured coming into this.  Goldberg with a bad ankle and HHH with a groin injury he's been nursing since early Summer.  HHH tries to start before the bell.  Ric distracts the ref.  Spear!  But the Bill goes after Flair.  And now the bell rings.  Say what you want about Jesus.  Goldberg is clearly the King of the Jews.  Look at that mother fucker.  Goldberg can't hold a press slam due to his ankle.  HHH goes right to it.  HHH takes some cues from Taker by placing Goldberg's leg on the steps and smashing it with a chair.  Flair of course gets involved a lot.  HHH has Goldberg in a half crab.  Goldberg's hands are grabbing the apron.  Earl is looking right at this and not telling HHH to break the hold.  It's a match.  HHH is hurt so he can't do a whole lot, yet he's controlling the match.  Goldberg is having to sell an injury the whole match, which isn't his strong suit.  Ref bump.  Flair throws HHH some brass knuckles.  Power of the punch!  Goldberg kicks out at 2 and 15/16ths.  Fuck you, Joey Styles.  HHH drops an elbow on Earl and goes for the sledgehammer.  He doesn't get to use it.  Goldberg does.  He lays out all of Evolution with it.  Pedigree is countered. Spear.  Jackhammer.  Earl finally crawls his way over.  Goldberg wins.  Title retained.    

 

Inoffensive and pretty unmemorable.  Your general 2003 PPV.  All a blur of "I forgot he was around that early/still around".  I guess Austin vs Bischoff was the best match of the show, but Kane/Shane was certainly more of a spectacle.  I bet Kane had such a terrible headache for WEEKS after this match.  That door to the head was fucking brutal. 

WWE Survivor Series 2002

Spike Dudley/Bubba Ray Dudley/Jeff Hardy vs 3 Minute Warning/Rico

Tables Match

Brother Nero! Brother Ray! Brother Runt! Why would a Dudley and Hardy ever team up? I guess you could make a case for Spike/Jeff teaming, but not with Bubba. Jeff flies around with reckless abandon. Spike lands on his face a lot. Rosey spears a table and completely no sells it. Spike is the first to be eliminated with a double reverse Alabama Slam. Man, 3MW bump WAY too much for guys their size. Almost in a showy way, too. Like "look at how well we can bump for guys our size". Jeff relives his entrance swanton from Royal Rumble 2000. Then, he makes Rico look like an asshole by missing his cue to knock him off the ropes, so Rico had to stall for time standing on them. "COME ON JEFF, GOD DAMN IT!" Jeff's just having a bad night in general. Right after he slips off the guard rail and accidentally gets a table broken on his face, Umaga hits him with a splash through a table...to the floor. The match ends with D-Von returning to the Dudley family and putting Rico through a table with a 3D. Messy ass match, but some cool spots.

 
 

TO THE WORLD. Stacy introduces Saliva, who perform the Survivor Series theme song, "Always". They apparently continue to play a concert.

TO THE BACK. RVD stretches. 


Jamie Noble vs Billy Kidman WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Are we going to overlook how much muscle Kidman put on a year into his WWE run? Seems...curious. Kidman tries to start hot, but gets hit with a neckbreaker that slows down the match. Once Kidman starts getting back into it, Nidia keeps getting involved. Jamie inadvertently knocks her off the apron. Kidman hits a super DDT in this. Well, it was kind of more of a super gourd buster. Jamie kicked out and planted Kidman with a hanging DDT. Kidman is one of the underrated DDT takers. SSP for the win. New champion! 

 
 

TO THE BACK. Kurt Angle discusses the cruiserweight match, saying that if BILLY FREAKIN' KIDMAN can win a title, then Kurt and Benoit can definitely win the tag titles tonight. After arguing, Kurt gives Benoit a hug. Elsewhere, Chris Jericho gets ready for the Elimination Chamber.

F-VIEW: I sure don't recall this. Weird ass GTV redux. It catches Victoria talking to a mirror and freaking out that it told her Trish was prettier.


Trish Stratus vs Victoria WWE Women's Championship

Hardcore Match

So, Victoria is actually crazy. And has been jealous of Trish since their fitness model days. It probably is no coincidence that the first weapon Victoria uses is a broom. SHE'S A DAMN WITCH, BY GOD. Trish gets hit in the face. A lot. Fucking lol that they're making a big deal out of this being the first women's hardcore match, and how these women are real athletes, yet this involves brooms and ironing boards. Victoria wins with...a snap suplex. Weird. New champion.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Booker gets hyped up.

TO THE COACH. Coach tries to get some insight on the Elimination Chamber from Eric Bischoff. As he's talking, Big Show walks up behind him, saying Eric made a big mistake trading him to Smackdown.

TO THE BACK. Brock prepares and asks Paul if he's nervous. And Paul is. He's been begging Brock not to fuck with Big Show. Paul will do everything in his power to make sure that his client leaves MSG as champion. 


Brock Lesnar vs Big Show WWE Championship

Brock's still injured from Hell In A Cell with Taker, and Big Show broke some of his ribs throwing him off the stage. Meanwhile, Show has an arm injury from Brock. Brock hits the ring and gets right up in Show's face. MSG is SUPER into Brock. It's just minutes in when Brock starts throwing out suplexes. Imagine a time when people were still amazed at Brock suplexing Big Show. There's a ref bump, so Paul throws a chair into the ring. Brock hits Show with it, then hits the F5. Paul pulls the ref out of the ring on the pin. WHAT DA HALE? Brock chases after Paul, but runs into chair shots to the ribs from Show. Chokeslam on a chair. New champion! Paul Heyman has screwed Brock Lesnar! "But why?" Good question, Michael. 

 
 

TO THE BACK. Show and Heyman scurry off in their limo. 


Chris Benoit/Kurt Angle vs Los Guerreros vs Rey Mysterio/Edge WWE Tag Team Championships

The Smackdown Six. Is it a coincidence that 4 of them are from WCW? 4 of the 6 are great. Then there is Edge and Chavo. Unsurprisingly, those two get the least reactions in the match, especially when they're in the ring together. Eddie and Rey have some hot sequences, as you'd imagine. Could you imagine that, 14 years later, two of these guys would be dead, one would be retired, and Kurt/Rey would be having matches at a casino with interference from Riff Raff? What a timeline. Rey slips on the ropes and lands on his damn head, so I'm sure that wasn't great. Man, Tazz and Cole are so bad when botches happen. As soon as a dude recovers, they'll spend the next few minutes pointing out how SMART the guy was for improvising or reacting to the other guy's botch. And they'll say it so many times that they just draw attention to the fuck up. They do it all the time, too. Benoit and Angle beat on Rey for a bit. These matches are always weird, because how do you have a real FIP when you have 3 different teams? After a lot of pretty silly reversals and double teams and double finishers, Kurt and Benoit start fighting, then Edge pins Benoit with a spear. Fans were not happy that Angle/Benoit were eliminated. At all. Once it comes down to a traditional tag, Eddie and Chavo have a ton of miscommunications, Eddie and Edge also have multiple miscommunications, and then Chavo hits Rey with the title. Eddie wins with the Lasso from El Passo. New champions! Considering the talent involved, this has to be considered pretty disappointing. Very sloppy, particularly Eddie and Rey, who were all over the place no matter who they were in the ring with. 

 
 

TO THE BACK. Kane gets pumped. 

Christopher Nowinski comes to the ring. What is he doing here? Well, he's here just to shit on the NYC crowd, JR. Then Matt Hardy comes out. Who the hell Chris think he is? New Yorkers are not stupid. They'd be classified as losers. Lol. These two take turns shitting on New York for a bit. "Where is this going, King?" "I don't know, but I wish it'd hurry up and get there." They go on and on and on. And then...SCOTT FUCKING STEINER! OUTTA NOWHERE! Scott beats the shit out of both of them, and the reaction is the loudest I've ever heard for either Steiner in any arena even in their prime. "GIVE ME A FUCKIN' MIC!" Classic Big Poppa Pump. HOLLAR IF YA HEAR ME. BUT WHOSE SHOW IS HE ON?!?!?!?!?!?! 

 
 

TO THE TERRI. Terri catches up with HBK. Right as he starts to talk, there 's a breaking news from RNN. Randy Orton had no further injury to his shoulder on his long flight to New York thanks to the hot flight attendant who gave him an extra pillow. Lol.

TO THE COACH. Coach actually gets to speak to HHH with no interruption from Orton. HHH was chosen to be the WHC because he's the best, and he's beaten everyone in the past 3 months to prove that he's the best. And he'll do it again tonight.  


RVD vs HHH vs Shawn Michaels vs Booker T vs Kane vs Chris Jericho World Heavyweight Championship

Elimination Chamber

Imagine if you combined the Hell in a Cell with War Games, and made it a singles match. That's basically what the EC is. Before the match, Eric Bischoff comes out and explains the rules and dimensions of the EC. 4 of the men will be placed in pods, which will be unlocked after a certain time limit. The other 2 will start the match normally. The entire ring is surrounded by a chain cage, with the outside of the ring being made of metal grating and level with the ring mat. It's an elimination match (as if you couldn't tell by the name) and the last man standing is the winner.

Jericho gets played out by Saliva, from WWE The World. Weird. HHH and RVD start the match in the ring. Potentially, HHH could be eliminated in the first 5 minutes, thereby guaranteeing a new champion. HHH is busted open about 3 minutes in, and takes multiple bumps out on the steel grating. RVD does rolling thunder over the rope, which seems like it should be impressive, but he usually had more height than the top rope anyway. Jericho is the first to exit his pod, and he runs into the ring to immediately get kicked in the mouth. HHH and Jericho end up double teaming RVD for nearly the whole 5 minute period, despite their blood feud earlier in the year. You know, the one that ended up being about HHH/Stephanie's dog. Such is stupid ass pro wrestling, I suppose. Booker joins the fray next. You got Jericho breaking up pins/preventing pins (which makes no sense), then you have RVD doing a frog splash from the top of one of the chambers, somehow managing to land knee first on HHH's throat. Book hits RVD with a missile dropkick, which puts RVD away. The crowd was not happy. Jericho gets thrown though the BULLETPROOF, UNBREAKABLE POD wall, but eliminates Booker moments later. It's the first damn match and they're already killing the idea of the gimmick. This match is pretty plodding. It's clearly building to HBK coming in and going after HHH, but to get there, it's 25 minutes of filler to some degree. Kane chokeslams Jericho, HHH, and HBK, but then gets hit with a finisher rush of all three to bring it down to HHH vs HBK vs Y2J. All 3 are bleeding. Jericho and HHH double team HBK. I need to point out how fucking terrible HBK's gear looks. It's plain brown tights, with brown cowboy boots, and HBK in blue around the trunks area. It's clearly half finished. Then you add in his weirdly short hair cut, and he looks so strange. HBK superkicks Jericho while Jericho had HHH in the Walls of Jericho. HBK also goes through the UNBREAKABLE Plexiglas pod. Seems really silly to me to have that gimmick done twice in the first time they had this match, but I also think Kane interfering in the first HIAC having dudes leave the cage and interference killed the concept more than it put Kane over for breaking into it. HBK escapes a second pedigree to hit the super kick. New champion! Whatever. Shit was so boring. It's crazy that this was HBK's one and only world title reign for his entire 8 year come back.  

 
 

Incredible roster WWE had in 2002, but this wasn't the greatest of shows. The EC by default was way long and had to have a lot of downtime in it just to get to the finish, plus to sell the brutality of the thing. The 3 way tag was a sloppy mess. Scott Steiner was over as fuck. Cruiserweights were fun. Brock throwing Show around was super impressive at the time when it hadn't been done 300 times.

WWF Survivor Series 2001

 
 

The intro video is pretty dope, with clips from Gorilla Monsoon and Freddie Blassie clips from the 70s-2000s WWF, and the Armageddon song played over it. In the main event, either the Alliance or the WWF will be shut down. It is winner takes all.


Christian vs Al Snow WWF European Championship

This match was set up on Heat before the show. And Christian won the title at a house show. The Blue Dot gets some promo time before the match. Al Snow comes out to...Maven's theme. Which I guess was the Tough Enough theme, but it is kind of weird since he had his own established theme. JR immediately says that Christian is living in the shadow of Edge. I'm not sure how that helps Christian, but whatever. It's a fairly even match. I don't know why Christian wore that see through shirt. Why even bother if the shirt is see through? I really enjoy the Heyman/JR dynamic, because Paul E. clearly ruffles JR's feathers every chance he gets. It's so much better than JR/King. It was great in NWA/WCW, and it was great during the Invasion. Fans are loud for Al's trapping headbutts, but the set up to this tells you how much the European championship means at this point. Al hits a brutal Snow Plow, but is too close to the ropes for the pin. Christian rolls out of the ring, hits a cheapshot, and wins with the Unprettier. Title retained.


TO THE BACK. Stone Cold and Debra arrive. They enter the Alliance locker room, who point blank as him if Austin is turning on the Alliance tonight. Wow I never realized how big Shane was. He's literally the biggest guy on the Alliance team. Taller than Austin, Angle, RVD, and Booker. A lot of dissension in the ranks tonight. Elsewhere, Vince and Linda argue about the risk of injury in the main event, even with Alliance people. Vince lets her in on an old expression: "Shit happens." Cole interrupts them to get some comments. Vince always has an ace in the hole, implying that he has a mole on the Alliance team. Regal shows up and says he doesn't buy it. 


William Regal vs Tajiri

I expected that when KENTA signed to WWE, that he'd basically be booked exactly like Tajiri and get over based on kicking the shit out of people. His pre-injury run in NXT did not turn out the way I hoped or expected. Here, Tajiri kicks the shit out of Regal, but Regal elbows and forearms the shit out of Tajiri. Regal's mouth or nose is busted open early on. Tajiri gets his neck twisted in the ropes and Regal uses that time to try to murder him. Regal gets the win with a tiger bomb in a pretty short match. Regal hits another tiger bomb after the match. The Alliance is up 2-0 so far, 3-0 if you count Heat. Torrie Wilson comes out to check on Tajiri. Regal gave her a tiger bomb as well. 


TO THE BACK. Test gets on Janet's ass for not getting proper oil coverage on his body. Stacy Keibler shows up. Test hits on her.

TO THE COACH. Edge is the guest. Whoever wins the unification match will get keep their job regardless of who wins the the Winner Takes All match, so this is some heavy shit.


Test vs Edge WCW US Championship/WWF Intercontinental Championship Unification Match

Two tall Canadians with long blond hair and dumb names. A match made in heaven. Test pretty easily dominates the opening of this match. His bacne is disgusting, and his gyno nips are  dead giveaways. Also, he's NAMED AFTER TESTOSTERONE. Edge was in a weird place during this time, still being stuck somewhere between E&C goofiness while trying to reach the next level as a semi-serious face. It's not like this is BAD. The crowd is into it and it is fine. I couldn't tell you what the story is, though. Test had a lot of potential, I think. A huge dude with a good look and very athletic, but he never really pulled it together. In some ways, I think being as athletic as he was held him back, as it seemed like he was expected to do more bumping around and making smaller guys look good than what would be expected out of guys his size normally. TEST hits a spear that looked better than almost every spear Edge did. Edge also kicks out of the pumphandle slam, so he kicked out of two finishers in a row. Then Test kicks out of the spear. Finisher spam in the midcard? Come on, brehs. Lol, Edge wins with a roll up. He unifies the IC and US Championships, with a roll up after finisher spam.


TO THE BACK. Steph tells Kurt how stressed out she is. "If the Alliance loses tonight, I'll become a regular person." Being a regular person does suck, I'll agree with Steph here. Kurt thinks Austin is telling the truth and is on the Alliance's side. Elsewhere, Lita asks Jeff about how weird Matt has been lately. Lita then runs into Trish, who wishes her good luck. 


Dudley Boyz vs Hardy Boyz WWF Tag Team Championships/WCW Tag Team Championships Unification Steel Cage Match

I should point out that the title cards have the title holders opposite of what they actually are. It's a tag team cage match...which you'd think would mean you don't have to make tags, but you'd be wrong. This is kind of the end of the era for WWF tag team wrestling. E&C were broken up, the Hardys would soon break up and feud, and the Dudleys would be split in the brand draft. As a match, it's mostly just a straight tag match that happens to be in a cage. Which is pretty dumb to me. Having tags in a cage match is dumb as shit. There have been a few tag cage matches.  They should all be tornado style. Things start getting wacky when they start doing top rope moves, like the ass buster Bubba Bomb from the top, which makes no sense at all since Bubba is taking the same bump as Jeff. "He's like a North Carolina orangatang!" Dudleys have controlled most of the match. Hardys do the shit where, as faces, they try to scurry out of the cage to win like chicken shits, something I always hate in cage matches. Faces should never be trying to just bounce out of the cage until they've thoroughly smashed the heels to bits. This could almost be a completely standard match. Paul implies that he'd fuck Nick Patrick to fuck Stacy. And Stacy's distraction allows the Dudleys to get a table into the ring. In a cage match. Matt exits the cage, which is pretty stupid. Since pinfalls count, all Matt did was turn this into a handicap match. Jeff has a chance to exit the cage. Instead, he decides to do a swanton from the top of the cage to D-Von, who is on a table. And D-Von moves. The Dudleys win and unify the tag titles. Some really, really wonky psychology in this match. Jeff is taken out on a stretcher. 


TO WWF NEW YORK. Commissioner Foley is at the restaurant instead of at the PPV on the most important night of the company's existence. He shits all over how stupid that is, and how pointless the commissionership is when he still has to do what Vince says.

TO THE BACK. Test attacks Scotty 2 Hotty, who was to be in the immunity battle royal. 


Immunity Battle Royal

Whoever wins this will be unable to be fired for one calendar year, regardless of who wins the main event. Participants in the match include Test, DDP, Raven, Tommy Dreamer, Hurricane, Justin Credible, Lance Storm, Kidman, Stevie Richards, Shawn Stasiak, Farooq, Bradshaw, Funaki, Crash Holly, Spike Dudley, Chuck Palumbo, Perry Saturn, Billy Gunn, and Albert. Stasiak is eliminated about a second after the bell rings. OH SHIT, IT'S TAZZ! And JR starts bringing up Sabu nicknames for some reason. Surely half of these guys could have had actual matches. DDP being in the battle royal is pretty weird. Hugh Morrus and Chavo Guerrero hit the ring, so I guess they're in it, too. MIA represent! This is a very standard battle royale, with mindless brawling. Lol, Tazz gets eliminated talking shit to Heyman. He then goes after Paul, who jumps behind JR. JR then calls Paul an "old broad". Elimination of the match goes to JBL fall away slamming Kidman over the top rope. Test wins, despite not even being an official competitor in the match. 


TO THE BACK. Shane and Booker talk in the back in private. Booker doesn't trust Austin. Shane does trust him, though.


Trish Stratus vs Jacqueline vs Lita vs Ivory vs Mighty Molly vs Jazz WWF Women's Championship

jazz.gif

The lack of reaction to Jazz was pretty amazing. Especially with her weird music. Paul obviously put her over huge, but I don't think the crowd had any idea who she was. She immediately slams Lita around. This is a six pack challenge, which is a fatal 6 way, with tags. First one to get a pin wins. This is definitely a "let's get everyone on the show" type of card. Besides Torrie and Stacy (who were on the show anyways), all the active women were wrestling here. This is short, but includes your normal finisher spam not even half way into the match, which is kind of weird. Jazz takes the weirdest fall through the ropes that I've ever seen. Trish pins Ivory with the Stratusfaction. New champion! After the match, JR makes an anal sex joke regarding Trish. Fucking weird.


TO THE BACK. Vince pumps up Team WWF. Rock's reaction is double the rest of the team combined. I would like to note that Rock is the only member of he team with no facial hair. He's also the only member of the team who will not stop bouncing around like he's on coke during the entirety of Vince's speech. Elsewhere, the Alliance heads to the ring.


Team Alliance vs Team WWF Winner Take All

 
 

Rock and Austin start the match. What's interesting to me is that, outside of Rock, the entire WWF team actually spent time in WCW. Oh shit, ROCK doing the Thesz Press RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND to Austin! Paul makes a good point: Shane had the guts to put his money and body on the line, while Vince didn't get involved in this. It clearly must mean more to Shane than Vince, even if Vince picked Big Show to replace him. Big Show was a dude who was losing to Spike Dudley in 2001. It says to me that Vince is so unconfident in his physicality that he trusts a guy who could lose to Spike despite being 3 times his size. That kind of goes against the Mr. McMahon character a bit, but whatever. But Shane is VERY involved in this, breaking up every pin/submission he can. This match is clearly very important to him. Now, I'm not a guy who gets annoyed or upset with obvious outcomes, but in this case, the entire match is flat because you know there is NO possible way that the WWF brand is going to be off the air tomorrow. The stakes here are TOO high to be believable. Anyway, Big Show is the first eliminated, after getting hit with four finishers in a row. Shane is eliminated in the same manner moments later. Kane is eliminated after one frog splash. It's weird how much of an advantage Team WWF has in this match. Three dudes near or at 7 feet tall. The biggest star in the world in Rock. The experience of Taker. The youth and ability of Jericho. And this is against a team where Shane McMahon, a non-wrestler, is the biggest person. Booker had essentially become a comedy character by this point. Austin was Austin, but not the same Austin as before 2001. Not to mention a WWF ref, on a WWF show. The odds seem overly stacked in the favor of the face team. Taker is eliminated with a stunner. Booker is eliminated with...a school boy. Jericho eliminates RVD with the softest Skull Crushing Finale you'll ever see. Looked absolutely terrible and the audience couldn't believe someone lost to such a weak ass move. Jericho has been weird in this all together. Lots of miscommunications and awkward moments with everyone on the Alliance side. Angle taps out to the Sharpshooter, leaving Austin vs Rock/Jericho. Then Jericho gets eliminated and turns on Rock. Well, that makes a ton of sense. I guess he wasn't worried about losing his job or anything. Once we're down to Rock/Austin, we get two sharpshooter spots, MINUTES of brawling on the floor with no counting of any kind, finisher stealing, three ref bumps, and Kurt Angle turning on the Alliance. Team WWF wins!



A fittingly limp ending to a limp angle. WWE bought ECW and WCW and turned the invasion angle into McMahon family squabbles, with the main stars of the Alliance being WWF guys. The big WCW guys didn't come in, and the ones that did were immediately marginalized and replaced with McMahons and WWF talent. So the ending has a match with stakes that are impossible to take seriously, and the big WCW vs WWF angle ends with....Rock vs Austin. Not Rock vs Booker. Not Austin vs Goldberg. Rock vs Austin. The card in general was kind of whatever. The matches were short and it seemed like a WM card in the sense of "get everyone on the card" style booking. If WM17 was the climax of the Attitude Era, this was the weak epilogue that you kind of wish you hadn't read.

WWF Survivor Series 1999

Godfather/D'Lo Brown/Headbangers vs Dudley Boys/Acolytes

First, wtf the Headbangers in 1999? Don't worry, you'll get to say WTF THE HEADBANGERS IN 2016?!?! one day, too. Second, all members of the face team were dressed as pimps. Speech impediment hate speech at the start of the match. I don't remember this APA music at all. Bubba and Mosh begin the match. Mosh got all moshy and Bubber laid him out. JBL tags in and beats the shit out of Thrasher. Clothesline from Hell quickly eliminates him. "She could suck the numbers right off my credit card..."  3D gets rid of Mosh. D'lo knocks JBL off the apron. Bradshaw responds by getting a chair, full force baseball swinging at D'Lo, and then destroying the chair on Bubba Ray's head. Then Faarooq and D-Von get into it. They're counted out, which leaves Bubba as the only man on his team. Super Bubba Bomb! Dang. And D'Lo kicks out. D'Lo gets the win with the frog splash. A lot of shine for Mr. Bully Ray. Tim White got to dance with the ladies of the night again.

 
 

Kurt Angle vs Shawn Stasiak

Kurt Angle's official WWF debut. Immediate fireman's carry from Kurt. JR said "quite frankly" an awful lot in the Attitude Era, tbh. The crowd starts randomly chanting for the Red Wings. King and JR both have to justify a wrestler actually wrestling and why the fans might not be used to such action. Kurt grabs the mic and tells the crowd not to boo an Olympic gold medalist. Meat hits a modified F5. Angle wins with the Olympic Slam. I'm not sure it was a good idea to debut him against another heel, especially one that had no heat. But you can tell this guy could be something special someday.

 
 

EARLIER TONIGHT. HHH tried to instigate a fight between Austin and Rock on Heat. Then DX hit the ring, but Austin and Rock fought them off. 


Val Venis/Mark Henry/Gangrel/Steve Blackman vs British Bulldog/Mean Street Posse

These could be the two most random teams in SS history. Val and Bulldog begin. LOL at Pete Gas doing anything. Hilariously bad. Blackman quickly eliminates him. Rodney is out to the Impaler. Well, at least the two non-wrestlers are gone. Joey Abs gone to a splash from Mark. This is basically a squash. Bulldog is depressing to watch, but he eliminates Gangrel with a superplex. Which he lands right on his tailbone performing since he can't take a flat back bump anymore. Perfect Plex OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates Blackman. This is weird. Bulldog is definitely a heel, but the other team is also heel, and Bulldog is fighting underneath like a face. He's eliminated after a splash from Mark and the Money Shot.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Mike enters the women's locker room and they all hit on him.


Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah/Tori/Debra vs Jacqueline/Ivory/Luna/Terri

SUDDEN DEATH

I'm sure the idea of "sudden death" was just a coincidence with Mae and Moolah in the match. Moolah and Mae attack Ivory on the floor. Apparently tags on the floor are legal in this. WE WANT PUPPIES chant starts almost immediately. Now, there are actual wrestlers in this, but you couldn't tell because they botch everything. Moolah pins Ivory within about 90 seconds. Then Debra starts stripping Terri. 


TO THE LILIAN. Is X-Pac ready to face an angry Kane tonight? The answer is, "Yeah, uh". Also, Kane is impotent.


X-Pac vs Kane

Syxx attacks during Kane's pyro, which doesn't work out for him. Then Kane gets his balls smashed and X-Pac stays in control. This is weird. It's a backwards David and Goliath story. Road Dogg and HHH hit the ring and caused a DQ after a few minutes. Tori ran out to stop X-Pac, and X-Pac instinctively spin kicked her. Okay.


TO THE COLE. Rock starts his promo when HHH walks into it and they start fighting. 


Prince Albert/Mideon/Viscera/Big Boss Man vs Big Show

Show quickly eliminates Albert/Mideon/Mable with chokeslams. Then Boss Man bails. So Big Show won a 4 on 1 handicap match in under 90 seconds.

 
 

TO THE HERMIE. Austin is about to do a promo when HHH runs in and spits water in his face. Austin chases HHH away to the parking lot. MY GOD THAT CAR JUST RAN OVER AUSTIN! OH MY GOD. Oh dear God. Vince McMahon runs out to check on him, along with Stephanie, Test, Shane, and EMTs. Vince immediately accuses HHH and they have a pull apart. This goes on for a LONG time.

 
 

Chris Jericho vs Chyna WWF Intercontinental Championship

Jericho shoves The Kat down. Chyna and Kat stomp him for it. This isn't good. Jericho working at half speed, Chyna looking lost. Jericho tried a low blow, which didn't work. She's not a man, you see. Don't treat her like a man. But don't treat her like a woman. Treat her for who she is. Jericho cheats a lot, using the ring, table, guardrail, cords. Basically everything. He also forces himself on Miss Kitty. Right in front of King. King Cuckold?  Gross. This suuuucks. And again, Chyna is dominated until another woman makes a distraction. Jericho was probably thinking he should have stayed in WCW at this point. He was getting paid to not even be on TV instead of be in an embarrassing angle with Chyna and having to wrestle for two. Jericho kicks out of the pedigree. He pretty much no sells it and has Chyna in the Walls of Jericho seconds later. Chyna fights to the ropes. Chyna wins after a distraction from Kitty, a low blow, and an avalanche pedigree. Title retained. I guess Jericho agreed to have a sex change if he lost this match.

 
 

TO THE BACK. X-Pac and HHH enter the McMahon locker room looking for Vince. Vince went to the hospital with Austin. HHH just wanted to make sure the title match was no longer a triple threat.


Holly Cousins/Too Cool vs Edge & Christian/Hardy Boys

Edge and Scotty start the match. JR admits he isn't interested in this match. Matt got Crash on the ropes and DRILLED him with a Misawa elbow. God damn. That was stiff as fuck. Big dive sequence. Man. Survivor Series has sucked besides a handful of matches since 1990. All downhill from there. All downhill for that camera man that got wiped out, too. So many god damn spears from Edge. Some miscommunications lead to Edge and Matt being eliminated. Jeff pinned Scotty with a 450. Whatever. Wrap it up. Hardcore counters Poetry in Motion with a missile dropkick. Brian Christopher immediately pins Jeff. Then Christian immediately pins Brian, leaving the Hollys and Christian left. King and JR start arguing and it ruins the flow of the match, which already had no heat. Hardcore Holly is the sole survivor.

 
 

TO THE BACK. JR gets an update on Austin from Shane. Austin didn't lose consciousness, but did get hurt. No way. There will still be a triple threat tonight.


New Age Outlaws vs Mankind/Al Snow WWF Tag Team Championships

"Mankind gave Al Snow head last Thursday night on Smackdown." Crowd really died knowing that Austin isn't going to be in the main event that they paid to see. Heel DX is dog shit. This is boring and mostly heatless. Just brutal. NAO pinned Foley with a spike piledriver. Titles retained. Boy was this not an entertaining match in the least.


The Rock vs Triple H vs Big Show WWF Championship

Not only was Austin originally supposed to be in this, but Vince McMahon was supposed to be the ref.  HHH and Rock start the match by double teaming Big Show. Not that it matters for long. I'll say this for Show, he looks in shape and motivated. Not a lot of matches like that to find. HHH looks darker than Rock. So much boring brawling. And on the floor. 80% of the HHH/Austin match last month took place in the aisle and this match isn't much different. Why even have the ring? This shit right here is how Backstage Assault got greenlit and made. The biggest spot in the match was Big Show getting double suplexed through the Spanish announce table. "Add-E-Os." Has JR really never heard any words in Spanish? Of course there is a ref bump. Why not? Rock Bottom! Shane runs down to count the pin. 2 count. Another Rock Bottom. This time Show pulls Shane out. Shane got pedigreed. DX hits the ring. There really was no reason to wait since triple threats are no DQ from the start. Vince McMahon himself stomps down to the ring. He hits HHH with the title. Chokeslam. New champion! Lost his dead daddy and won the title in the same week.

 
 

Real shit show here. Nothing is worth watching. The main event got changed in the middle of the show with no warning to the people who paid to see that very main event. The angle should have been done on Raw or Smackdown, with a mystery person to be plugged in at the PPV. The crowd just died after the Austin thing. So did commentary. It's a shitty show, the norm in the Attitude Era.

JR is disgusted.gif
WWF Survivor Series 1998

 
 

 

It's a deadly gaaaame. That song is so bad.

Vince (with Stooges and Boss Man) starts the show and guarantees us a new WWF Champion tonight. He personally does the ring announcing for the tournament match.


Mankind vs DWAYNE GILL

Gillberg's entrance theme is AMAZING. Mankind wins in about 30 seconds and advances. All while being clean shaven and wearing a tux.


EARLIER TONIGHT. Jackie attacked Sable on Heat. Marc Mero was happy about it.

TO THE HERMIE. Sable is pissed.


Jeff Jarrett vs Al Snow

The match starts on the floor. All has a sideways ponytail. Al wins in another very short nothing match after giving Jeff Head. I feel like that's going to be the theme of the show. Short bullshit all night.


Big Boss Man vs Steve Austin

The match starts on the floor with Austin knocking the shit out of Bubber. Vince is watching this in the back. THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. A low blow puts Bubber in control. Austin wins via DQ after Boss Man uses his night stick. Vince loved it and loved it more when Boss Man continued to knock the shit out of Austin.


TO THE COLE. Cole asks Vince if he's worried about Austin advancing. Cole just doesn't get it.


X-Pac vs Steven Regal

HE'S A MAN. SUCH A GOD DAMN MAN. I can't understand why Regal was hired and his gimmick was changed to about as far opposite as it could be without him being suddenly American. I don't think it is any surprise that they used the Lord Steven gimmick almost wholesale when they hired him the second time. There is actual wrestling in here. Holds and strikes and suplexes. It's a solid Saturday Night match. X-Pac appears to hurt his frequently injured neck after a butterfly superplex. He didn't land on it, but his head did get jarred hitting the mat. The match ends in a double count out. At 8:10, this match was longer than the previous 3 matches combined. Vince sends Sarge to announce an over time. The match never actually restarts, which means Austin will get a bye in the next round.


Goldust vs Ken Shamrock

Shamrock dominates the first minute or two, which is likely 60% of the match. Short and nothing. Ankle lock for the win.


TO THE COLE. Cole lets us know that Austin had refused medical attention.


The Rock vs Triple H

HHH doesn't come out. The Stooges do. Boss Man replaces HHH and loses to an immediate small package. Rock advances. 4 seconds.


The Undertaker vs Kane

Fuck. AGAIN? Also, this is edited hardcore. All bad words are bleeped, Austin's fingers blurred out, and "WWF" is muted. It's like they didn't even bother. Almost all of the 1998 PPVs up on the Network are the home video versions and not the live PPV versions. Sick to shit of this match. They had ONE good match together and that was at WM14. I guess the difference is now they're both fully heel. Great. Because there have been so many great heel vs heel matches on PPV in 1998. This show. Christ. Taker wins with one tombstone. It took three at WM and Kane kind of kicked out after the third one. Even though Paul was holding down Kane's foot, Kane didn't even make an attempt to kick out.


Mankind vs Al Snow

Al comes in with quite a vicious streak, apparently sick of all those jokes Mick keeps saying about him. Mankind wins with the double arm DDT and mandible claw. He advances to the quarter finals.


The Rock vs Ken Shamrock

Okay, I think this is the 7th time they've been in the ring against each other in 1998. Then you have all the Kane/Taker matches in 1998. Austin vs Foley in the next round. Repeats fucking everywhere. I don't need to see these matches over and over. The law of diminishing returns is in FULL effect for all of them, too. The first match in all of those was by far the best. Boss Man comes to ringside and stalks around. Shamrock kicks out of the the People's Elbow, which makes him one of the all time greats. Bubber tries to throw his night stick to Ken. Rock intercepts and blasts Ken for the win.


Sable vs Jacqueline WWF Women's Championship

Not like I want this to be long or anything, considering Sable has no idea how to wrestle, but this was another three minute match. Sable powerbombed Mero on the floor. She gets the win. New champion.


Steve Austin vs Mankind

Austin walks in the ring and immediately starts knocking the shit out of Foley. Then pulls his suit apart and takes his shoes off. A chorus of boos start up when McMahon and the Stooges roll out. THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND AUSTIN AUSTIN. Mick runs all the way to the entrance to avoid a stunner. The Stooges have to convince him to get back in the ring. On the floor, Foley is able to get in control by sending Austin into the steps. It doesn't last long. OR DOES IT? It does. This is a condensed version of the Austin/Dude matches. Except this time Foley isn't wearing shoes and Vince/Sarge prevent the ref from counting the falls. It's also half as long. A second stunner. Shane McMahon runs down to count. He stops at two and flips the double bird at Austin. It's blurred so fuck that. Brisco hits Austin with a chair. That puts him down for 3. Mankind is in the finals! The whole group runs to the back. Austin follows. Austin steals someone's SUV and chases after Vince's limo.

 
 

The Undertaker vs The Rock

Battle for the rightful usage of "The". This match heads to the floor and into the crowd. But the real story of the match is that this is 95% punches and stomps. Just like this whole show. Boss Man is back out AGAIN. Fuck. The only highlight was Rock mocking Taker's sit up. Boss Man and Kane got involved. Kane chokeslammed Rock, which got Taker disqualified. Rock advances to the finals. Kane and Taker then fight some more.


TO THE COLE. Mankind has one more rock to climb if you smell what the sock is cooking.


New Age Outlaws vs D'Lo Brown/Mark Henry vs Headbangers WWF Tag Team Championships

Oh cool, a change of pace from all the singles matches. Wait. The Headbangers? FUCK. Outlaws win. Titles retained.


The Rock vs Mankind WWF Championship

The match starts with more boring and tired brawling. Shane and Vince stroll out. The match heads out into the crowd, where Rock has some issues with a trash can. Foley is definitely gassed. Rock seems pretty slow as well. Chairs and stairs come into play. Foley takes a dive from the second rope through the Spanish announce table. I am not into this. This is the 18th match of the show. It has taken me almost 9 hours to get to the end of this show. Rock puts Foley in the sharpshooter. Vince says to RING THE FUCKING BELL. The Rock is the WWF Champion! The CORPORATE WWF CHAMPION! Vince and Shane do a lot of gloating after the match, explaining their master plan. Rock beats down Mankind after the match. Austin comes out and fights with Rock as the McMahons run away.

 
 

FOURTEEN FUCKING MATCHES.

Of those fourteen (EIGHTEEN if you count the dark/Heat matches) matches, only eight went over five minutes. Two DQs, one count out. Two matches were under a minute. Only three made it to ten minutes, and two of those were just barely at ten minutes. This is the WM4 of the Attitude Era. EIGHTEEN FUCKING MATCHES. Christ. Terrible show. TERRIBLE. Other stats:

 
  • 10th televised match of the year with Taker and Kane on opposing sides
  • 14th televised match match of the year with Rock and Shamrock on opposing sides
  • 7th televised match of the year with Foley and Austin on opposing sides
  • If Rock/HHH had happened, it would have been their 9th televised match of the year on opposing sides
  • 90 minutes, 25 seconds of in ring action over 14 matches
  • Average match length was just under 6 1/2 minutes
 

Match wise, nothing is good on this show. Regal/X-Pac is the match of the night. It's a fucking mess. Bordering on Spring Stampede 2000 levels of terrible. I can't believe anyone has nostalgia for Deadly Games. Of course it ends with a big SWERVE and reenactment of the Montreal Screwjob. This might be the worst major show Russo ever booked. Truly horrible. Tournaments were just not his thing at all.

WWF Survivor Series 1997 (Gifs Only)

 

 

New Age Outlaws/Godwinns vs Headbangers/New Blackjacks

Terrible. Billy and Road Dogg are survivors. Billy COMPLETELY misses Thrasher on the finish.

 

Truth Commission vs Disciples of Apocalypse

Awful. Truth Commission wins. Kurrgan is the sole survivor. When the manager is the best dude in the match, you know you're in for dog shit.  

TO THE HERMIE. Kevin hyped the AOL stuff while Austin checked his Twitter. @steveaustinbsr. For the workin' man.

Team USA vs Team Canada

Better, but still skippable. Team Canada has 2 Americans, a Brit, and one French Canadian who doesn't even get promo time IN Montreal. Bulldog is the sole survivor.

 

Kane vs Mankind

Not even a real match.  Foley's body destroying bumps were wasted due to Sin Cara lighting making them almost impossible to see. The Damon wins.

TO THE COLE.  Cole speaks with Vince and Sarge. They talk about the weird tension in the back and in the arena. Cole asks Vince who is going to win.  "......I don't know *smirk*." Montreal was an inside job!

Nation of Domination vs Legion of Doom/Ken Shamrock/Ahmed Johnson

Trash. HOLY SHIT Ahmed was terrible in this. The only things of note is that Rock was super over and King took some shots at Kevin Dunn. Shamrock is the sole survivor.

 

Steve Austin vs Owen Hart WWF Intercontinental Championship

Barely even a match. 4 minutes. Austin clearly hadn't been able to get much gym time in since Summerslam and didn't take a single back bump.  Austin wins.  New champion.  Furnas, LaFon, and Anvil also got stunners.

 

Bret Hart vs Shawn Michaels WWF Championship

Bret screws Bret. HBK wins.  New champion.

 

 

A completely forgettable and skippable show if the Screwjob hadn't happened.  And watching the show, it sure seems like a work.  JR mentions multiple times through out the show that it is likely Bret's last night in the company.  Tons of signs to the same effect.  The show STARTS with JR basically saying something controversial is going to happen in the main event.  Vince and Sarge are asked early in the show about the match for some reason.  At the start of the match, all the refs, agents, and Vince are out there. It seems pretty Russoy.  The ultimate worked shoot that turned into a shooted worked shoot work, brother.  Whatever.  Everyone won.  Bret got to go to WCW and make wonderful faces for a lot of money.  Shawn got to do a lot of drugs. Vince and the WWF made a ton of money. Seems like a win win win situation to me.

WWF Survivor Series 1996

 

British Bulldog/Owen Hart/New Rockers vs Doug Furnas/Phil LaFon/Godwinns

One of these teams is not like the other.  JR dropping AJPW knowledge.  New Rockers pretty much started off like Bo Dallas. Marty still kind of is, but Al Snow seems full heel. Vince makes a reference to King's legal issues.  Someone near a camera thinks Owen sucks. Mideon gets quadruple teamed.  Good.  Fuck him and his HOG cousin. JR straight up calls him a stupid idiot for trying a superplex and not trying to make a tag. Marty apparently blows his knee out at some point. He should probably tag out.  Instead he's quickly eliminated with the Slop Drop.  Owen immediately eliminates HOG with a spin kick. Bulldog eliminates Mideon shortly after.  Furnas barely misses a dropkicks and appears to injure himself in his WWF debut. Al hits a pretty dope uranagi.  If the Network wasn't dogshit it wouldn't take me an hour to get through 15 minutes of a show.  What the fuck.  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, TECH SUPPORT!  Christ.  I legitimately have not watched a single video on the Network that didn't freeze at least once.  Not a single one.  In a year.  Unacceptable. Not regretting canceling my subscription.  FREE video services work better. Owen gets a blind tag missile dropkick that murders poor Doug, who immediately clutches at his knee. Owen doing dope shit like Perfect Plexes and kicks and shit.  JR spazzes over having two refs, yet both of them miss all the cheating and triple teaming.  He's not wrong.  Doug is having a bad night.  Everything looks like it pains him so much. He gets a tag to LaFon who promptly eliminates Al with a reverse superplex. This has broken out into a regular tag match. BLATANT low blow from Bulldog, right in front of the ref.  Come on, Jack Doan.  You son of a bitch.  JR really hates Harvey Wippleman.  Bulldog is eliminated with a crucifix into a sunset flip. He chop blocks LaFon before leaving. Owen sticks to the leg. Hot tag to Furnas.  He chucks Owen all around.  He wins with a German suplex straight out of Fire Pro. Big win in their WWF debut.

 

TO THE HERMIE.  Kevin Kelly is in the boiler room with Paul Bearer and Mankind.  Paul will be in a cage above the ring during the match and if Taker wins, he'll get 5 minutes alone with Paul.  He's not happy about it.

Undertaker vs Mankind

The Undertaker returns and debuts his new look in the form of being a giant bat descending from the top of the arena. A new look, a new Undertaker.  Taker doing drop toe holds and fireman carries and shit. Cross arm breaker.  MMA Taker in 1996. Trying to break the claw hand. Mankind dives into the crowd to get away from the 7 footer in leather.  He gets back dropped back to ringside.  Mankind responds with a low blow and cannon ball off the apron.  After two completely new gimmick matches, a standard match being used as the blow off seems backwards.  Dope puling piledriver. Mandible claw is on. Only momentarily as Mankind got chucked to the floor.  Then his brains get scrambled on the guard rail.  I can't believe that was a regular spot for him.  Old School.  Excuse me.  "Vintage Undertaker."  Mankind comes off the top only to get caught in a goozle.  Mandible claw!  DOWN INTO THE GULLET!  This doesn't end the match.  I mean the last time we saw Taker, it took a shovel to the head and burying him in 6 feet of dirt to keep him down.  Just the mandible claw beating would be awfully anticlimactic.  King has been silent for most of this match for some reason. Taker now does suplexes and submissions.  That's what happens when you get BERRIED.  You come back with new moves.  Taker gets stabbed in the head right in front of the ref.  More than once.  These refs SUCK.  Tombstone OUTTA NOWHERE ends the match.  Well.  After a boiler room brawl and buried alive match, this was kind of a lame way to end the feud.  Taker will now get Paul Bearer alone. Before he gets the chance, the Executioner attacks. I guess the story continues.

 

Sunny comes to ringside and joins for commentary.  King just...left at some point.  

TO THE CUNT.  Hayes is with HHH, Goldy, Crush, and King.  I guess that's where he went.  That accent is awful, Hunter.  He can't even keep it.  Mark Henry was injured and won't be in the match now.

 

Crush/Jerry Lawler/HHH/Goldust vs Marc Mero/The Stalker/Rocky Maivia/Jake Roberts

JR and Sunny immediately start arguing because JR thinks women shouldn't be at ringside and HHH is smarter for not having a broad with him. JR says that Rocky is going to be DA MAN.  God damn does he remind me of the Usos. Jake should get his vest thing back. Damn, even Sunny is making drunk jokes about him.  Mero and King start the match.  Unsurprisingly, JR is a total cunt to Sunny.  Then a bunch of tags are made.  Mero and Goldy are the ones to eventually actually start.  JR is an asshole.  Barry and Dustin renew their rivalry.  He's announced as The Stalker, but Vince and JR call him Barry Windham.  HHH avoids Mero as much as possible.  Rock running traditional Samoan spots.  Sunny most definitely wants to fuck him.  They acknowledge that he is Dwayne Johnson and took his name as a tribute to his father and grandfather.  HHH lights him up.  Rock's hair is so poofy.  It looked okay when he came out and now it is full blown Mr. Perfect/Dolph Ziggler mode.  Fans get hot for a DDT that never comes.  JR is a cunt.  For real.  I don't think he's even supposed to be a full heel right now, either. Regardless, Sunny is a heel and he's far more of a dick to her than he is to Vince. DDT on King!  OUTTA NOWHERE. King is eliminated. I wish Barry was in shape and his knees worked.  Goldy eliminates him with the Curtain Call.  HHH finally squares off with Mero. I wonder whose idea Crush's forehead tat was. I guess Hunter's punishment is over since he's the IC champ. As soon as I say that, he's eliminated with the Merosault.  Glad to see that Crush still sucks.  Mero crashes and burns on a tope.  Yikes. Mero got eliminated and no one noticed.  Crush eliminates Jake with the heart punch.  Rock vs Goldy/Crush.  Sunny thinks 2 on 1 sounds good. Can't believe JR didn't have something to say about that. Goldy holds Rock for the heart punch.  Of course Rock moves.  Crush is eliminated with a cross body.  JR calls him "Rock".  So he's had 3 names during the match.  Rock wins via shoulder breaker.  He is the sole survivor.

 

TO THE TODD.  Todd speaks with Stone Cold.  The winner of the match will now get a title shot.  "Bret, cliches are cliches and an ass whipping is an ass whipping and that's exactly what you're going to get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin.  And that's the bottom line." Elsewhere, after Steve's entrance, Todd gets words with Bret.  Bret has said that Austin is the best wrestler in the WWF and no matter what happens, Steve will respect Bret after this.

 

Bret Hart vs Steve Austin

This is Bret's first match since losing to HBK at WM12.  MSG has been a pretty important building to his career and he is certainly appreciated there. JR BERRIES Doink and Duke Drose for no reason.  He is one salty mother fucker, no doubt. The match starts with Bret getting the double bird. Big fight feel, friends.  Neither of these men have ever submitted in a match before. Vince mentions how ironic it would be if Austin made Bret submit to the sharpshooter.  Flash cut to one year later...We got us a good old fashioned wrasslin match.  Some WCW 1992 shit.  Not the wild brawl of WM13, but more technical wrestling from both men.  Bret is focusing on Steve's arm. Stun Gun!  Steve sticks with the neck area. JR, in between being a cunt, is great at pointing out how focused Austin is on one area and how his repeated pins are just wearing Bret out. A slug fest breaks out, which Austin wins. Bret fires off some lariatos and gets back in control.  A running bulldog is shoved off into the sternum bump. Austin attempts a superplex.  It is countered. Bret drops his elbow from the top rope. Austin counters the back breaker with an eye rake.  He's studied the tapes.  Watched the videos.  Been on the youtubes.  Checked the film.  Bret breaks the railing trying to tackle Austin. Not quite an OMG Moment.  "Kick his butt!"  That ain't no NYC I know.  Austin sling shots Bret onto the Spanish announce table.  Poor Hugo.  Even as early as 1996, JR was pointing out the SAT trope.  Austin is solidly in control.  LETS GO HITMAN chants start up.  Then LETS GO AUSTIN chants start up. Dueling chants in 1996.  Another slug fest breaks out.  This time Bret wins. Stun Gun from Bret!  Piledriver from Bret.  Back breaker.  5MOD have begun.  Bret goes back to the top.  Austin catches him.  Austin KNOCKS THE SHIT OUT of Bret and hits a top rope superplex.  Stunner!  Austin pulls Bret away from the ropes and that slight delay allows Bret to kick out.  Austin repeats pins and Bret kicks out of all of them.  Texas cloverleaf!  Rope break.  Bret takes an Irish whip and ends sliding due to the bad knee right into the post. Austin locks on a bow and arrow.  Bret twists out and almost gets the sharpshooter on.  When he can't, he just punches Austin in the head.  Austin breaks a sleeper with a jawbreaker. Million Dollar Dream!  Bret pushes off the turnbuckles and gets the pin.  Bret wins!  What a dope match.  

 

TO THE CUNT.  Sid is the guest.  That tiny baseball hat.  Sid has a lot of teeth.  

Captain Lou Albano comes to ringside.  Then the OG Nation of Domination comes out.  PG 13 rapping, Clearance Masonry, Faarooq, and two black men in suits that don't look like wrestlers.

Faarooq/Diesel/Razor Ramon/Vader vs Savio Vega/Yokozuna/Flash Funk/Jimmy Snuka

Jim Cornette joins for color.  Fuck.  A couple of fans TOTALLY grab Yoko's tits. I believe Vince is down with the swirl.  Scorp and Vader begin.  Moonsault to the floor! It gets an ECW chant. A powerbomb halts all that momentum.  Yoko just walks in with no tag. JR BERRIES the old outfit of Faarooq. I bet he had a lot of fun shitting on Vince and all of his ideas.  Could they not have found someone in a little better shape to be fake Razor?  Yoko is massive.  He looks like he's put on 70 pounds in a few months.  The Diesel Kane dominates Funk. Funk also gets flattened with a spinebuster. God damn it, Kane was in the SS 18 years later.  18 YEARS!  Snuka slams Vader.  I'm glad I got one PPV without Savio.  Jackknife eliminates Savio.  Superfly Splash eliminates Razor.  Then Diesel Kane brings in a chair and every one brawls and the match is thrown out.  

 

Sid vs Shawn Michaels WWF Championship

Sid is over as a mother fucker in MSG.  Fist bumps everywhere.  Boos for HBK on any offense, cheers for Sid.  HBK DESERVED boos.  He's been a real piece of shit face all year.  Sid, as big and crazy as he is, also comes of FAR more humble and nice than HBK. HBK's eyes don't look clear.  Just saying.  HBK uses his speed to lure Sid into a trap and then chop blocks him to a chorus of boos.  Shawn being Shawn, taps his inner douche and plays his part to the crowd.  Before locking on a figure four, he can be seen saying FUCK YOU to the crowd.  Although he's probably not playing a role and is instead just pissed that the fans aren't into him.  But then the way the match has been structured so far has Sid in more of the face role anyway.  HBK gets shoved into the ring post and Sid goes to work with big kicks. The camera man gets too close to the corner and Sid shoves him away.  He's doing a good job of selling the leg for a guy who isn't known for selling well.  A low dropkick puts HBK in control.  Then he's dumped to the floor much to the delight of the fans. Fans hate HBK here and it is great, because I've also been hating HBK since the middle of 1995.  There are some high pitched voices that are cheering for HBK, but they are over powered by the deeper ones in support of Sid.  Sid locks on a cobra clutch and HBK is fading.  Chokeslam is countered.  Superkick is countered. Chokeslam!  This is Sid's night.  Powerbomb is countered with a small package for 2.  Sid grabs a camera and hits Jose in the chest.  Superkick!  Fans are NOT happy.  HBK goes to check on Jose.  The pin is only 3 seconds.  Surely Jose could survive for 3 seconds.  Sid drags Shawn back into the ring.  Ref bump!  Sid hits Shawn in the back with the camera!  "The referee didn't see a dang thing!"  Powerbomb.  NEW CHAMPION! HBK immediately no sells after the pin to check on Jose.  THEN he crawls and stumbles to the back.  Sid is THE MAN.  Vlad the Superfan gets a fist bump, shake, and hug.   

 

I think the Attitude Era started at Mind Games.  We're in it now.  This is it.  Overall this was a fun show even though the actual SS matches weren't anything memorable.  HBK/Sid was so fun just for the crowd shitting all over HBK the entire time.  Outside of that, it was a pretty good match, but I've never felt more satisfaction from a crowd turning on a face like this match.  HBK had been the most annoying, miserable cunt of a face since April of 1995.  On top of that, Vince's constant boners for him made him somehow even more annoying.  For the ultra smarky NYC crowd to turn on him over a big muscled up oaf they're supposed to hate makes it even better.  Bret/Austin was dope.  It might be better than the WM13 match, although wildly different.  It's great, though.

WWF Survivor Series 1995

The show starts with surprise color commentator MR. PERFECT being announced to the crowd.

The Underdogs vs The Body Donnas

Boy.  These are...teams.  Hakushi, Bob Holly, Marty Jannetty, Barry Horriblewitz.  Skip, Rad Radford. Dr. Tom, newly heel 123 Kid.  The Kid turned on Razor 6 days ago on Raw.  Martin and Thomas start the match.  Rad tries a rana on Bobcore and gets powerbombed.  This is New Gen as FUCK.  Fans in DC seem to be pretty into Hakushi.  He's caught in a spinebuster pretty much as soon as he tags in.  This is like the Job Squad vs the Gob Squad.  Dr. Tom gets eliminated with a top rope cross body from Holly, who then immediately gets eliminated with a  school boy from Skip.  Super frankensteiner from Skip into a Flair Flop for some reason.  Kid stomps Hakushi right in the throat.  Rude as shit.  I have a hard time believing this reaction for Hakushi is legit.  He's barely been on Raw since turning face, and his face turn was barely even a turn at all.  Rad pins him after Kid kicks him in the back of the head.  Team captain Barry gets dominated for a bit.  Inside cradle gets rid of Rad.  Barry is eliminated by a Kid leg drop.  Like that punk is Hogan.  2-1 advantage for the heels.  Martin is the last guy on his team.  You know what's not interesting?  This match.  Martin hits the Rocker Dropper.  Sunny trips him up on the top rope.  Super bomb from Martin!  That eliminates Skip.  We're down to Kid vs Martin, which would be the most interesting match anyway.  Sid waltzes out just as the two best guys finally get to try to make the match interesting.  Of course he interferes and the Underdogs become THE LOSERS.

TO THE BACK.  Razor throws a fit.  And a monitor.

TO THE TODD.  Pettingzoo is with Corny, Yoko, Owen, Fuji, and Dean Douglas.  The got dang WILD CARD match is getting wilder by the second!

 

Bertha Faye/Aja Kong/Tomoko Watanabe/Lioness Asuka vs Alundra Blayze/Kyoko Inoue/Sakie Hasegawa/Chaparita Asari

I know I reviewed this match for something.  All about that Aja Kong beat downs.  And since I only know Aja/Alundra/Bertha, I'll leave it to gifs again.  Aja was the sole survivor for her team.  This was so much doper than the previous match.  These dames were knocking the shit out of each other, doing crazy flying moves, and dropping each other on their heads.  I believe the Raw rematch had more Aja beat downs.

TO THE Todd.  Todd is with THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, Bill Clinton!  He loves Bam Bam.  But watching him since he was little and playing with Pebbles.  Bam Bam's pyro made the Secret Service dive over the prez.  

Bam Bam Big Yellow vs Goldust

All three announcers say homophobic stuff.  Perfect probably being the most squicked out by him.  You'd expect it to be JR saying the worst shit.  I believe Goldy got a lot more into the role over the past month.  "He's been one of the hot topics on America On Line lately."  God that ring looks awful to bump on.  Especially anywhere not right in the center.  Things you can see under Goldy's jump suit: His thong, his nipples, his cellulite, his balls.  "That makes me uncomfortable for some reason."  JR, talking about Goldy's taunt.  Goldy dominates this.  Bammer just can't follow shit up.  He'll hit a big move and then miss the next one.  Probably because HE'S FAT.  Goldy hits that Dustin lariatooo.  His boots are no longer cowboy boots, at least.  Goldust wins with a bulldog OUTTA NOWHERE. 

TO THE TODD.  Back with Slick Willie.  Mr. Backlund refuses to shake hands with Mr. Clinton.  Backlund asks about the government shut down.  Clinton thinks Bob should run for president.

The Mabel/Taker feud is recapped.  Technically, this shit has been going on since before KOTR. 

The Royals vs The Darkside

Lawler/HHH/King/Dentist Kane/Mabel. Fatu/Savio/Godwinn/Taker.  The 5 on 4 advantage is never even brought up.  This whole show is NEW GEN AS FUCK in the worst way.  This is Taker's first time back in about a month, after Yoko and Mabel crushed his face.  He now wears a Phantom of the Opera type mask for protection.  I wonder how Taker picked his team.  Did he ask them all individually?  What did they talk about?  Did he visit the ghetto with Fatu?  Did he visit the barrio with Savio?  Did he visit the hog farm with Hank?  Fatu and HHH begin the match.  Fucking ridiculous that HHH, Kane, King, and kind of Taker are still around nearly 20 years later.  Savio also still wrestles as far as I know.  King's gear is disgusting.  Also disgusting is his mullet.  God, he couldn't look trashier if he tried.  Well, he probably could.  He looked trashier when he had his air brushed tights and BMX knee/elbow pads in USWA and the very start of his WWF run.  Savio gets beaten on for a while.  King drops him with a piledriver.  Savio kicked out.  Then  he hits a Rock Bottom on HHH OUTTA NOWHERE.  Savio no sells another piledriver to tag in Taker.  THEN he sells it.  No one will tag King.  A tombstone eliminates him.  The Dentist Kane and Taker go at it.  Kane is almost immediately eliminated with a tombstone.  The first of about 9000 he'd end up taking.  HHH says fuck it and walks off.  But then he's cornered by Fatu and Henry.  Taker chokeslams him back in and eliminates him.  Mabel belly to bellies Taker.  When Taker no sells it, he also runs off, getting counted out.  The entire Darkside team survives.  Mo gets chokeslammed.


TO THE PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS.  Both Bret and Diesel gave their thoughts on having to face Bulldog next if they win tonight.  Bret compares himself to Wayne Gretzky.  Of course.  The promo he had on the go home Raw made him sound like a real whiny dick.  I don't like Nash's "Diesel voice".  It really stands out, because half the time he doesn't do it.  Neither guy is looking past the match tonight.

TO THE TODD.  Todd talks with part of the Wild Card team.  Ted and Corny are a bit at odds with each other when HBK and Ahmed show up.  

Yokozuna/Owen Hart/Dean Douglas/Razor Ramon vs HBK/Ahmed Johnson/Sid/British Bulldog

I like the concept of this match.  I like most of the talent in this match.  
This is Ahmed's official WWF in ring debut.  It's also HBK's return to action after being beaten up by the entire Axis Powers outside of a night club in New York.  Owen and HBK begin the match.  Fuck Jim Cornette.  Racist piece of shit.  He can claim he's a super liberal and all that shit.  That's bullshit.  Dean and HBK square off.  Poor Shane.  It must have been so embarrassing to go back to ECW.  He was never the same after his Dean Douglas run.  It's like his body just gave up because his soul was so sad.  All he did for the next 10 years or so was get injured.  Razor and Dean can't get a long, and a punch from Razor ends up getting Dean eliminated first.  Owen and Bulldog are paired off.  They shove each other and go at it.  Then HBK and Razor get tagged in.  They also go at it, which should not be a surprise to anyone since they've gone at it a lot, even as faces.  Razor's Edge!  Ahmed makes the save.  Sid is finally tagged in.  He should powerbomb EVERYONE.  I want to see him powerbomb Yoko.  Chokeslam to Razor.  Sid holds Razor for a super kick.  Razor ducked.  HBK didn't seem to care much.  Sid is eliminated.  Sid then powerbombs HBK.  Yoko, who is covered in sweat just STANDING for the entirety of the match so far, finally tags in.  And he immediately locks on a nerve hold.  Ahmed gets tagged and knocks everyone around.  Owen is eliminated via PRP.  He and Razor face off.  LOL, he walks way out of range for Razor's super bulldog, so Razor walks across the ring to do a normal one.  I bet he was pissed.  Spinebuster OUTTA NOWHERE.  Then he taunts on the ropes and gets hit with the Razor's Edge.  Sid stays at ringside and is joined by the 123 Kid, who distracts Razor long enough for Razor to get hit with the running powerslam and eliminated.  Yoko of course misses the banzai splash.  Because he'd fucking kill a dude at his weight.  He's also the last dude left on his team.  Ahmed slams him.  Bulldog breaks the pin.  HBK and Ahmed get rid of Bulldog.  HBK hits the super kick.  Ahmed hits a running splash and gets the win for his team.

TO THE TODD.  Sunny is now sitting on Clinton's lap.  He dumps popcorn down her tits.  Then offers to fuck her.

Bret Hart vs Diesel WWF Championship No Disqualification

Their match at the Rumble is most definitely the WWF MOTY.  I hope this match can live up to that match.  Perfect picks Bret.  JR picks Diesel.  Diesel right away removes a turnbuckle pad.  So does Bret.  He isn't intimidated at all.  This is going to be a fight.  Nash gets Bret in the corner and goes to town on that pink mother fucker.  Bret tries to get some distance and can't, so he rolls to the floor.  Diesel follows and does snake eyes on the guard rail.  I hope Bret gets as aggressive as he was at the Rumble, where he wrestled as much as a heel as he was even at the height of the USA vs Canada angle.   Bret gets chucked into the steps and Diesel drills him with a chair in the back.  Diesel seems to be enjoying himself.  Bret is able to block the jackknife, though.  Bret BITES Diesel's arm to get out of a hold and goes to work with eye rakes, hair pulling, and then a sleeper with a hand in the eye.  Then he goes after the knees.  Figure four is applied.  Diesel gets to the ropes.  Bret breaks it, even though he actually doesn't have to since it is no DQ.  Diesel eye pokes his way out of the sharpshooter.  No DQ, god damn it.  Bret is shoved off into one of the exposed turn buckles, which he seems to hit ear first.  But before Diesel can capitalize, Bret uses the ring post.  Bret then uses a camera cable and ties Diesel's ankle to the ring post.  Bret gets a chair, but Diesel is able to use his free foot to kick him off.  But he is still trapped and Bret goes to town on his leg with the chair.  Bret goes up top with the chair and is caught.  He gets crotched and thrown to the middle of the ring.  Nash unties himself.  Bret takes the corner bump into the exposed turn buckle.  Diesel is still able to hit the flying tea bag, but with a lot of effort.  Snake eyes.  Bret sends Nash into the buckle and then hits a flying bulldog.  5MOD begin.  Bret tries a tope and Nash just walks away.  He ain't taking that shit.  When Bret gets back on the apron, Diesel knocks him off and Bret goes sailing through the Spanish announce table.  CZFNW!  Once Bret gets thrown in the ring, Diesel goes for the jackknife.  Bret can't stand.  Small package OUTTA NOWHERE!  New champion!  Diesel is not at ALL happy.  He attacks the ref and jackknifes Bret.  Then he attacks the refs that run in and does another jackknife.  Then he walks out, slapping hands with fans as he goes.

Even after the PPV highlights package airs, Bret is still down in the ring and being attended to.  WE'RE OUTTA TIME.  Over all, I'd say this show was enjoyable.  If you just take the YAK match, WILD CARD, and Nash/Hart, it was a fun show.  I'm not sure if Diesel/Nash was as dope as it was at the Rumble.  It was dope, no doubt, but I don't think it was quite as dope.  I'd still put it as the second best match of WWF 1995 so far.  Those two had good matches even up to 2000 WCW, bu which point Nash had given up completely for at least a year and a half and Bret was concussed to shit and wearing jorts.  I'd MUCH rather watch this than November to Remember, which was the day before and took me a solid 26 hours to get through.

 

WWF Survivor Series 1990
Survivor_Series_1990_DVD.jpg

I'm all about that synth sax that was also used a lot in No Holds Barred. It's THE SURVIVVVVVVVVOOOOOOOOORRRRRRR SERIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS.


I forgot that Piper was on commentary for this. Fuck. He SHOOTS on SA DAMN WHOO SAIN.

TO THE MEAN GENE. WELLLLL, Gene is with LOD, Texas Tornado, and the Ultimate Warrior. So many warriors. Kerry being on this team was a pretty dope shout out to WCCW fans, where he was called the "Modern Day Warrior". He was never called that in the WWF, but he's on a team with three other warriors, so that's neat.


Perfect Team vs Ultimate Warriors

Shout out to Tornado's music. It's pretty cool. Shout out to LOD's music. It's pretty cool. Shout out to Warrior's music. It's pretty cool. Lots of cool ass much on this show starting from the intro. Animal and Smash begin. We're going to start a death count for this show. So far, we are at 7 (Gorilla, Piper, Hawk, KVE, Warrior, Crush, Perfect). Animal is the only living member of his team as of November 2015. Demolition were dope. Better than LOD, in my opinion. I think the Powers of Pain were better, too. Faces really dominate this. Warrior eliminates Ax. Perfect, of course, bumps like a freak whenever in the ring. Hawk is so jacked. His back is ridiculous. The Perfect Team finally gets into things when Hawk takes his signature shoulder into the post spot. Hawk being Hawk, recovers moments after. LOD and the remaining members of Demolition brawl in the ring and get disqualified. Perfect is left on his own against two men on coke and steroids who have tassels. What chance does he have? I'm convinced Perfect was an exhibitionist and that's why his dick was showing so often in his gear. Baby Shane McMahon is a ref at this event. Brain gets thrown into the crowd. Tornado is eliminated after being rammed into an exposed turnbuckle and hit with the Pefect Plex. "NO PANSIES HERE, BABY!" Warrior kicks out of the Perfect Plex. Warrior's boots are so weird. They look like cowboy boots wrapped in space blankets, then dipped in glitter, with tassles from a little girl's bike. Perfect just eliminated the IC champ and is dominating the WWF champ. You can't look much stronger than that. I mean, he did lose to Warrior eventually, but before that, he had Warrior down and out multiple times. Warrior will advance to the grand finale match in the main event.

 
 

TO THE MOON. The Million Dollar Team are the guests. Their mystery partner is conspicuously absent, but Ted promises it will be a very BIG surprise. 


The Dream Team vs Million Dollar Team

Death count goes up to 8 with Dusty. The day before this show, Bret's brother Dean died. Almost 9. Ted DiBiase brings out his mystery partner...THE UNDERTAKER. This dead fuck. "Look at da size of dat ham hock!" That's how you sell a giant zombie if you are Roddy Piper. Bret and Taker begin. The first move of the match is Taker hitting his weird early chokeslam. Anvil tags in, is slammed, and immediately tags out. Koko tags in and immediately gets hung up on the rope. "Ooooh...jeepers." Then he's murdered with the tombstone. What's funny about this is that Gorilla is clearly familiar with Taker and his moves, and PIPER of all people has to keep him on task of pretending like he's a complete unknown that no one has ever seen. I'm still, to this very day, annoyed to shit that Honky (and Valentine) never learned how to play the guitar. HTM's gimmick for almost 30 years now has involved him playing a guitar. He never even learned how to HOLD the fucking thing the right way. Piece of shit. Anvil eliminates him, thankfully. I'd hate to see that cunt in the main event. Old, fat, spindly legged Dusty is still over as fuck even in hostile territory. Dropkick from Dream! Was the 80s WWF ring harder or softer than a modern lucha ring? DiBiase eliminates Anvil after a Virgil distraction. It seems a little unfair that the heels have THREE managers at ringside. Taker eliminates Dusty. Bret is the only guy left. "Come on, Hart, put your heart into ittttttt!" Brother Love puts the boots to Dusty after he's eliminated. Dusty grabs him, which causes Taker to go after Dusty, getting counted out in the process. Small package OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates Hammer, who was barely in this match. Oh shit, Bret doing pescados in 1990. To no one's surprise, Bret and Ted have a really fun solo match. Their house show matches were a ton of fun. They meshed very well. Imagine if this was a time period where good matches really mattered. Or if DiBiase was healthy in 1993-1994 when Bret was having dope matches with everyone. DiBiase rolls through a crossbody to get the win and advance to the main event. In a lot of ways, this was a landmark match for WWE. Not only was it the debut of Undertaker, but Bret's real break out as a singles guy. And those two would go on to define the 90s for the WWF.  Bret getting his big chance to show he was more than a tag guy really isn't talked about in the retrospectives, but it was as important as Taker's debut.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is in the showers with the Rockers, Snuka, and Jake Roberts, doing copious amounts of coke while the snake cheers them on.


The Visionaries vs The Vipers

I'd like to note that Snuka kept messing with his nose on the way to the ring. Who can say why. Warlord and Marty begin. Warlord is a fucking HOSS. Jesus Christ he's massive. How is HE not dead? Speaking of, the death count is up to 9 with Hercules. I miss these giant monsters. I'm happy to see Brawn Stroman bringing back the tradition. I can't tell if Marty got hurt or has coke hidden in his wrist band. Warlord is so big that he makes Hercules look completely unimpressive. It's fucking crazy. HE'S SO MASSIVE. He eliminates Marty with a powerslam. HBK gets worked over for quite a while. Snuka wearing boots is weird as it is, but the fact that they are black, yellow, green, red, and blue is even weirder. He's eliminated by Martel. Jake spents most of the match just trying to get his hands on Martel. Martel hits Jake from the apron. "YOU CHEAP ASS..uh, excuse me. Cheap person." Powerplex puts HBK out. Jake is the only man left. It's 4 on 1. And he only has 1 eye. Oh shit, DDT OUTTA NOWHERE on Warlod. Jake chases Martel away with the snake, getting himself counted out. The entire Visionaries team will advance to the main event, the first team ever to survive completely intact. 

 
 

TO THE BROTHERJACKDUDE MOON. Hogan's hair is as weird as ever. It's like...too short. He just looks like a bald dude who let his horseshoe get shaggy instead of his normal look. Boss Man was looking like he was dreaming about blasting Hulk in the neck with his night stick during the whole promo. 


The Natural Disasters vs The Hulkamaniacs

YES. That one kid booing Duggan while the rest of the arena was going insane is probably my best friend. Ain't no one booing the Boss Man, though. Ain't nobody want none of them hard times. Haku and Doogun begin. If only someone else was on the team instead of Bravo. Like..The Warlord. How the fuck neither Warlord nor Barbarian got a run with Hogan is unthinkable to me. Boss Man quickly eliminates Haku. Death count is up to 11 now, with Boss Man, Bravo, and Quake. Oh. 12, since Joey Marella is the ref. Duggan gets himself disqualified beating on Quake with his board. And then swinging at the ref. Duggan has ALWAYS been a cunty face. Remember that he spent a solid 2 1/2 years blatantly cheating to win every match. When Hulk gets tagged in, he slams all the heels. Then Quake splats him with the powerslam. Lol, small package OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates Bravo. What the fuck, Boss Man comes off the top with a crossbody and...EARTHQUAKE CATCHES HIM WITH NO EFFORT. God damn. A big elbow drop gets rid of Boss Man. Tugboat has yet to enter the match for some reason. When he does get involved, he and Quake get counted out falling on the floor. This leaves Hulk and Barb. To my knowledge, this is the closest the world ever got to a Hogan/Barb singles match. That is BONKERS. Why the fuck would you not want to run with that feud? It would have been perfect in 1989 or 1990. This big, athletic monster with a cartoon gimmick who can convincingly beat the shit out of and toss Hogan around? WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO THAT? You could even have the evil foreigner part with it. Such a missed opportunity. Hulk gets the beat down, then Hulks Up to get the win, being the sole survivor of his team and advancing to the grand finale. Heenan got ejected from the ring after the match.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene brings out the Macho King, who happens to be dressed like a candy striper for some reason. Macho is coming for Warrior's title. Death count rises.


The Alliance vs The Mercenaries

Wow, fuck this match. Volkoff, Bushwhackers, Zhukov,? Fuck. Tito is the only one to survive.


TO THE MOON. Sean is with the heel team, which is the Visionaries and Ted Dibiase. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. We are in the SHANK OF THE EVENING, and these redhot fans are ready to see what is in this giant egg. Oh, it's starting to hatch. This is cracking me up, fans! It's, it's....THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER!Fans immediately shit on it. "You got a pair of legs like my mother-in-law, pal."  The Gooker forces Gene to the ring, where they dance. Say what you want about how stupid this is (and it is dumb), Gene is wonderful at this type of shit. He is in this perfect spot of being completely earnest and being in on the joke. Gene is one of a kind.


TO THE MOON. Sean is now with the face team, which is Hogan, Warrior, and Tito Santana. One of those is not like the other. Especially weird since Tito was never, ever going to get even an IC level push again. So weird. Although, when you look at the rest of the teams, he's the only guy that made sense. Bret would have been the other one, but he had to lose so Ted could be in the main event. 


Rick Martel/Warlord/Power and Glory vs Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior/Tito Santana Grand Finale Match

Warlord is immediately eliminated by Tito. Come on. I wanted to see Warlord crush Hogan or Warrior for a few minutes. And soon after, Ted eliminates Tito. Interestingly, Hogan plays the FIP instead of Warrior. Letting Warrior get that hot tag shine. Lol at Hogan kicking out of the Powerplex and immediately eliminating Roma with the ax bomber. Didn't even go for the boot and leg drop. Warrior gets the hot tag and tags back out about a minute later. Martel leaves the match, leaving DiBiase and Hercules left on the heel team. Hulk then eliminates Ted. Lol. Christ. Warrior gets tagged in to finish off Herc, but god damn, Hulk was in for 90% of the match, AND he counted the pin with the ref. What a hot dogger.  Slick got thrown around after the match. Warrior and Hogan do their "No, I respect YOU more" stuff to end the show.


A fun show. This period is not about great wrestling, but about the atmosphere, characters, and bright colors. If you're watching Golden Era WWF for 5 star matches, you're wasting your time. Storylines that would lead into the Rumble and WM were progressed, Taker debuted, Bret got his big shine moment, and Hogan completely stole all of Warrior's thunder. Starting from the interview of the face survivors, Hulk took the lead in the promo. In the match, he did 90% of the work, including eliminating DiBiase (who was the number one contender and would have a title shot against Warrior the next night on NBC), hot dogging during Warrior's winning pin, and getting about twice as much time to pose after winning his match than Warrior did for his.  It's really easy to see why Warrior didn't work out as the top guy like they thought. He played second fiddle to Hogan the entire time he was champ. 

I believe Warrior was only one TV one time in the 3 months after WM, and it was just him running to the ring with the title, then running right back out. Meanwhile, all of the weekly shows focused on Hogan's possible retirement, then the Earthquake attack. Warrior was never the main focus. Hogan, in fact, was on TV MORE after WM6 than he was before. And here, he definitely was pulling a power play all night. Not even being slick about it. 

WWF Survivor Series 1988

 
 

Ultimate Warrior/Brutus Beefcake/Sam Houston/Blue Blazer/Jim Brunzell vs Honky Tonk Man/Ron Bass/Danny Davis/Greg Valentine/Bad News Brown

Some truly random teams. HOTM and Valentine at least have some kind of relationship. The rest of the heel team have nothing in common. No one on the face team has any kind of relationship except for Warrior filling in and stealing Brutus' IC title shot and then never giving him a shot. Beefer and Hammer start. Valentine is a weird case in the WWF. His style really didn't fit in at all in the bright family style of Golden Era WWF. He worked before the national expansion, but he always felt so out of place to me in 80s WWF. Danny Davis, the OG heel ref, is eliminated first. Beefcake, for as much as he sucked and was only around due to his friendship with Hulk, at least fit in. Similar to Hammer, Bad News Brown is even MORE out of place. He's essentially midcard real ass Stone Cold in 1988. I wonder how much farther he could have gone if he had a few less years and miles on him by the time he got to the WWF. He eliminates Jim Brunzell, who is no longer a Killer Bee, but a dude wearing USA trunks. Sam Houston is the scrawny half brother of Jake Roberts, and he gets REKT. Bad News and Hammer have a miscommunication, so Bad News walks out on his team. Warrior tags in and cleans house. Owen doesn't have a ton of ring time, but whenever he's in, he does some wacky (for 1988) high flying move to impress everyone. However, that also ends up costing him, as he was shoved off the ropes, landed on his knees, and Valentine eliminated him with the figure four. Beefer and HTM get counted out brawling on the floor. If only that had happened at the start of the match. Warrior is now left on his own against Ron Bass and Valentine. He eliminates them both with double ax handles. Warrior is the sole survivor!

 
 

Demolition/Brainbusters/Conquistadors/Fabulous Rougeau Brothers/Bolsheviks vs Powers of Pain/Hart Foundation/British Bulldogs/Rockers/Young Stallions

Can you imagine any time since 1990 that WWE could have done a 5 on 5 match with TAG TEAMS? How long has it been since WWE had five official teams? Granted, a few of the teams are very low tier that would never be near the titles, but still. 20 man tag. And two tag teams are in the main event, so this could have been a 24 man tag. HBK, Bret, Dynamite, Bulldog, Arn, Tully, Demos, and PoP in one match sounds pretty fucking rad to me. Just that Arn and Tully were in the WWF completely unchanged in that era is great. I can't even imagine the nightmare it would be to lay this match out. I will assume that's why each interaction is basically a new match. The Rougeaus are the first to be eliminated via a Bret Hart small package...OUTTA NOWHERE! That kind of sucks. Fabs are FnP, even though the Mountie was dogshit as a singles guy. Oh wow, Roma's vertical leap is impressive as fuck. Fucker jumped to the top rope with ease from a standing position with no momentum behind him. Barb tags in and immediately hits the big boot. My man. There is quite a bit of NWA representation in this match, which is kind of weird. Arn and Tully and PoP are unchanged from the NWA, both members of Demolition made their names in the NWA, and then in later matches you have NWA Champion Harley Race and Big Bubba. Spinebuster crushes HBK, but he kicks out. A spinebuster on 80s WWF ring sounds like the worst move in the world. Wow wtf is Barb doing? Some weird flying kitchen sink to the chest/head. It was almost a BOMA YE. Who would have thought Barbarian would work so well as FIP? So much lost money on him, both as a big face and a top heel. Can not believe he didn't get the monster push against Hogan. This match makes me wish there was a 14 minute Bret/Tully singles match somewhere on tape. Bret eliminates himself doing a german suplex. What a dumb dumb. Rockers and Brainbusters get counted out fighting to the back. It's now down to Demos/Conquistadors vs Bulldogs/PoP. Bulldogs are out, leaving PoP alone. Fuji keeps getting up on the apron for some reason. He low bridges Smash. What SWERVE! Smash is counted out. Fuji then blasts Ax with the cane. Ax then hits a brutally stiff slam on the floor. PoP check on Fuji. Fuji trips up a Conquistador, giving the PoP the win. The fans don't seem to recognize that the PoP turned heel until they had Fuji on their shoulders. Demos return and brawl.

 
 

TO THE MOON. Bad News is the guest. He smelted a conspiracy in that ring. He's only concerned about the title. 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene gets the hot scoops with PoP and Fuji. Fuji turned on Demos because Demolition got too big for their britches. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. Now Gene is with the Heenan Family. What a team. Andre, Harley, Perfect, Rude. And Dino. 

TO THE MOON. The Mega Powers, YEAH. YEAH! 


Jake Roberts/Ken Patera/Tito Santana/Scott Casey/Jim DOOGUN vs Andre The Giant/Dino Bravo/Rick Rude/Mr. Perfect/Harley Race

How the fuck did Scott Casey get into this match? Ken Patera's return from a prison bid was completely underwhelming. Any charisma and look he had must have been left behind in the clink. "Mr. Perfect" is still just the nick name at this point. He's officially Curt Hennig and is still wearing trunks instead of the neon singlets he'd be known for.  Harley looks to be about 70 years old. Patera doesn't look much younger. And to be honest, Jake never looked young even when he was young. Scott Casey also has that unfortunate hairline that makes him look 10 years older than he is. NEWSFLASH: Duggan still sucks. Tito spends the most time in the ring for the faces. Not a big surprise there. Of course, Andre gets tied up in the ropes, as he tended to do in pretty much every match after 1987. As not good as Dino is, he did have a dope piledriver. Duggan gets DQ'd for using his 2x4 in the fucking ring, then getting confused about why that was illegal. His BULLSHIT response was dumb as shit. This fuck head cheated his entire career and seemed confused anytime he would get in trouble for it. Was his gimmick that he was a legitimate idiot who didn't understand the rules? Jake is left alone to face Perfect, Rude, Andre, and Dino. Jake is over as a mug, too. God damn. DDT OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates Rude. Jake is another guy you wouldn't expect to be such a good face from underneath, but he sure is. He's one of the best of all time at being able to tweak his character just enough to turn face while not changing the core of what made him a great heel. He was basically the same guy, but the subtleness between heel and face Jake is what impresses me the most. Andre gets himself disqualified for choking Jake, but by that point, Jake was dead and Mr. Perfect was able to easily swoop in and get the win for his team.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with the Twin Towers, DiBiase, Haku, and...the Red Rooster. What a weird final member.


Akeem/Big Bossman/Haku/Ted DiBiase/Red Rooster vs Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage/Hercules/Koko B. Ware/Hillbilly Jim

Ted and Macho begin. Red Rooster's whole point of existence was that Brain was being cocky and thought he could make anyone a star, even someone with as stupid of a gimmick as "The Red Rooster". And then Rooster turned face on him and...went even harder with the gimmick instead of dropping it to be Terry Taylor. And now, a very solid dude who could have been in the Perfect/Rude/Jake tier is remembered for a goofy ass gimmick. So weird. Koko was also pretty dope before he got a bird, but that was far less harmful to his career. It actually helped his. Rooster is eliminated first, but atleast he got to main event a WWE PPV. Akeem is another wacky ass gimmick. Offensive as shit, as well. And such a weird thing to go to from after being the One Man Gang for years. All just to take a shot at Dusty. The entire team is unable to take Akeem down. All of them in a row. Even Hogan. Koko is clipped by a Boss Man Slam. It also takes a ton before Boss Man goes down. Virgil distracts Herc, which allows Ted to roll up him. Mind you, in the pre-match promo, Ted said that Herc belonged as his "slave", while standing next to Virgil. And then Ted is rolled up by Macho, leaving Mega Powers vs Twin Towers/Haku. What this really means is a lot of ring time for Haku. Which is gross, because unless he was beating the shit out of jobbers with Barb, he was a pretty boring dude to watch. Slick tries to kidnap Liz. Hogan runs off and decks him. The Towers run after Hulk and handcuff him to the bottom rope. The Boss Man was counted out during this. I'm not sure why Hogan and Akeem weren't, since guys fighting outside of the ring area even when not the legal man was a count out for the first 5-6 years of Survivor Series matches. Boss Man doesn't leave ringside and continues to beat on Hogan and Savage. During this, Akeem is disqualified. Of course, Hogan is freed and immediately wins the match. Then does his big posedown stuff while not even checking on the nearly dead Macho. And THEN he picks Liz up. Macho is not pleased. How does Hulk not realize Macho is super pissed at him? He just keeps smiling away while Macho is clearly very angry and yelling.     


Main event was quite underwhelming and was really just there to continue the build to the Mega Powers EXPLODING. Macho in particular seemed to have a lot of trouble. Since he was very "map everything out move for move", I can see how he'd have issues with this kind of match. Really enjoyed the giant tag match. It was 40 minutes, but since there were so many combinations and match ups, it never got old. The Jake/Heenan Family match was a lot of fun, too. This will always be my favorite era, not because it is full of great wrestling (it isn't), but because it is full of good characters, good promos, and everything makes sense.