WCW Superbrawl VII

TO THE ALCATRAZ. Roddy Piper is finally released from his cage. HE KNOWS HIS WAY OUT. I like that WCW had a five camera shoot for this. Piper claims he didn't spend seven days in Hell for nothing. I mean...he was in there alone. It's been closed down for over thirty years at this point. Why are his clothes all torn up like he's been getting into fights the whole time? But there were security guards when he was released, so...I would have to assume they were probably there that whole week to make sure Piper didn't kill himself or die of thirst. Whatever. FREEDOM!

Syxx vs Dean Malenko WCW Cruiserweight Championship

TMF comes in an wastes no time knocking the shit out of Syxx. This shit is PERSONAL, yo. There is a Malenko lesson being taught here. Dope ass powerslam. A 123 SUCKS chant breaks out. Syxx gets himself stuck in a tree of Keanu, which Dean uses to dropkick the knee. They go to the floor and TMF continues to beat that ass. I think the only offense Kid has had was an eye rake. X-Pac's corner kicks are on the mark, though. Bronco Buster. Syxx focuses on the neck of Deano, who has had neck surgeries and injuries in the past. Dean gets laid out on the apron. Syxx comes off the second rope with an elbow to the throat while Dean is hanging off the apron. There is a solid story going on with Dean having the match won and letting his temper get the best of him, and Syxx focusing on Dean's neck that he personally knows is bad. Guillotine leg drop. Syxx grabs the title. Eddie Guerrero runs out to grab the belt. Eddie lets go and Syxx unintentionally drills Dean with the title. Syxx wins! New champion! Way to go, Eddie. Solid match.  

TO THE MEAN GENE. DDP is the guest, backstage. We don't know who DDP is going to be facing, but it will be someone from the nWo. We find out that it's going to be Buff.

Konnan/La Parka/Villano IV vs Juventud Guerrera/Super Calo/Ciclope

Lucha fuckery? Let me leave you with the gifs. Rudos win. Some notes: Konnan is Miz-tier at catching an opponent. Tenay completely blew up Villano's spot by mention the name comes from a role his father, Ray Mendoza, played in a Santo movie in the day. When he wrestled as Ray Mendoza Jr. on Nitro a few weeks ago.  Respect the sanctity of the mask, Tenay. You fuck.

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs TAFKATAFKAPI WCW TV Championship

No one gives a single fuck about Prince. Zero reaction. I feel like I need to watch this for Rey, but that means I have to watch Prince. The crowd just does not give a fuck about this. Besides Rey doing a suicide senton to a downed Prince on the floor, there is nothing to talk about. Regal comes out and costs Rey the match. Title retained.

TO THE MEAN GENE. The Giant is the guest. Giant talks about how bad the Outsiders are at driving and their hotel room habits. "I'm the conductor, and Hall and Nash are playing the instruments." I'm not sure that metaphor really makes sense, Giant.

Buff Bagwell vs DDP

It's fat bowl cut kid! How did that kid get to so many shows? He never appears to be around parents. Lots of stalling from Buffy. DDP is over in the Bay area. "The marks that he has made, Tony, we both watched it and choreographed it. I mean, not chor, chroilogg, lodgejs, WE LOGGED IT IN OUR BRAINS." Lol. Dusty. "We chronologically donated...well, you know what I'm talking about." Dusty was having a very hard time with that. Buff does a tornado DDT that kind of turned into a Kanyon Cutter. DDP nearly scores the win with some roll ups. Buff gets in the face of the ref and gets knocked on his ass. Buff counters the cutter with a backslide for two. Perfect-Plex. Buff wants a ten count instead of going for the three count. Buff goes for a neck breaker. DDP counters it into the Kanyon Cutter. BANG! The nWo hits the ring. DDP leaves. I assume he won by DQ since the bell rang way before there could have been a count out.

Eddie Guerrero vs Chris Jericho WCW US Championship

The plates at the start of the match say this is for the TV championship. Chain wrasslin to start this. Back suplex are traded. Announcers are surprised that this match has been all on the mat so far. Liontamer! Very early. Too early. Crowd is also dead for this. In general, WCW crowds have turned on Eddie. Jericho also has failed to really garner much reaction from them. So you put these two together as a face vs face match doing mat wrestling an hour into the show when everyone expected a cruiser style match and you have a crowd that just isn't interested. Eddie hits a brainbuster, and Jericho responds with a release German suplex. To be fair to the crowd, these guys aren't telling any kind of story. It's just masturbatory chain wrestling stuff that doesn't lead anywhere. Spot wise, they aren't going to top the super sloppy and reckless lucha match. Bad lay out and positioning for this. And now a belly to belly. Jericho with that Steiner moveset. Jericho does the triangle dropkick and then a triangle splash to the floor, which looked like it was not pleasant for either man. This is a match that would be a lot of fun as a 7-8 minute Nitro match. As a 15 minute PPV match with no story, it's not that enjoyable. Eddie wins with a headscissors into a sunset flip. Title retained. 

Faces of Fear vs Public Enemy vs Harlem Heat Number One Contendership

Rocco Rock is suddenly bald. I'm ready for some big boots from Barb. He and Rocco begin. Stevie blind tags himself in and the rules of the triangle match have already come into play. Still can't really figure out why PE are in this match. I think they've had one match on Nitro in 1997. They haven't done anything to deserve to be in this. Also, Grunge is pretty terrible. FoF BE CLUBBERIN! Barb hits his super belly to belly on Booker. Meng follows it with his piledriver. Double diving headbutts. FoF are dominating. FoF Bomb on Book. I love that Barb, who was probably making a solid amount of money in WCW, would just duct tape his elbow pads together. Big boot! Rock tries coming off the top with a flip. Barb catches him. Grunge comes off the top with a cross body and Rocco gets the pin. What the fuck? PE are the number one contenders? Lol. 

Steve McMichael vs Jeff Jarrett

This is technically billed as a grudge match. If Jeff wins, he will be made a member of the Four Horsemen. No one is sure if that means there will be five Horsemen, or if someone will get kicked out. Mongo has proven himself to have Jeff's number for weeks now. However, in this, Jeff out wrestles him from the start. I'll be honest. I kind of like Mongo. He's not good at wrestling or promos, but he genuinely seems to try hard and enjoy the pro wrestling. Debra wants this to be fair and won't support Jeff cheating against her husband. She does, however, seem to be supporting both men. She just doesn't want either to cheat. She tries to towel Jeff off. Mongo uses that towel to choke Double J. Dusty compares Debra to Don King. Not a lot going on. I would have expected this to be a lot more physical than it has been. Mongo fighting for his wife, Jeff fighting for a spot in the Horsemen. The ref gets poked in the eye. Mongo wants the briefcase. Debra won't give it to him and eventually throws it in the air. Jeff grabs it and blasts Mongo. Jeff wins and is now a member of the Four Horsemen! Debra winks at the camera afterwards.

Kevin Sullivan vs Chris Benoit San Francisco Death Match

Jackie and Woman are strapped together. All four start fighting right away. A strap match on the outside, and a death match inside. THEY WERE DOGGIN. Dusty really enjoys this already. Which makes sense, as this totally seems like something he would have booked in 1987. Sullivan gets strapped in the dick. SOMEBODY CALL THE LAW! Jackie straps Benoit. Now the women have come unstrapped and Sullivan hangs Benoit while Jackie kicks Benoit in the vitals. Then Woman kicks Sullivan in the vitals. "SHE KICKED HIM IN THE THING, I GUARANTEE IT. OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Now the women are beating the men. Sullivan and Benoit have a brief moment of "what the fuck is going on here". Then they head into the crowd. The women are still fighting in the ring and WCW gets an excuse to use their favorite double screen. The men are now somewhere near the parking garage. Back into the audience. Back to the ring. The women seem to have slowed down. Benoit is in the tree of Keanu. Double stomp. Woman beats on Sullivan to break the pin. Piledriver from Benoit. Benoit gets a table out and puts Sullivan on it. Jackie decks Nancy and gets on top of Sullivan to protect him. Benoit does a Superfly splash anyway. The table doesn't budge at all. Benoit gets the pin, but Woman is the only one standing. Refs, Mr. Wonderful, Lee Marshall, Terry Taylor, and Arn Anderson come out to check on everyone. Jimmy and Woman are holding hands over Benoit. EMTs eventually come out and Jackie, Sullivan, and Benoit are all stretchered out. A triple stretcher job.  What a wacky and wild match.

The Outsiders vs The Giant WCW Tag Team Championships

Hall starts and the game plan seems to be to get Giant mad and make him make mistakes. Giant dropkick! Same spot with Nash flying to the floor from it that happened in 1998. Oklahoma stampede on the post! That probably hurt. Syxx gets involved, of course. That little cunt. Hall slips doing the second rope bulldog and ends up doing a flying Flatliner. Fans are chanting for Luger. Man, can you imagine there was a time when people would chant because they want to see Lex wrestle? Giant gets FIRED UP and then eats an incredible jackknife. Lex comes out and shoves Bischoff out of the way. "SEE YA LATER ALLIGATOR!" Hot tag to Lex. Nash threw his back out doing the jackknife. Torture rack. Nash gives up. New champions! Chokeslam to Hall just for fun. 

Hollywood Hogan vs Roddy Piper WCW Championship

Piper wore his ring gear while in Alcatraz. He came straight from there, and he has his wrestling gear on under his dirty clothes, so you have to assume he was wearing his trunks for that whole week. However, as dirty and tattered up as his shirt is, his kilt is pristine. I'm ready for this shit to end already. Two old dudes hitting each other in the saggy balls and biting giant noses. All with the idea that Piper has been locked in Alcatraz and hasn't slept in a week. Sting and Macho come out. Macho continues to head to the ring after Sting stops him. This is garbage. Straight trash. Sleeper OUTTA NOWHERE. Hogan's arms hit the mat three times. NEW CHAMPION! Macho pulls Hogan's feet under the ropes straight up AFTER the bell already rang, which got the match restarted. He then handed something to Hogan which no doubt the ref saw, and Hulk hit Piper with it as the match was restarted. Hulk then pins Piper missionary style. Title retained. What a terrible match. What a hilarious botched finish. Macho was so fucking late on his cue and he was just standing RIGHT THERE the whole time. I almost want to say Macho intentionally fucked with Hogan to make it look like he lost clean, again, to Piper. Whatever it was, it looked hilariously bad. Savage hugs Hogan and joins in on beating up Piper after the match. This is an extended beat down on Piper and no one tries to come help. 

Very uneven show.  The cruiser match was solid, lucha stuff was enjoyable fuckery, Benoit/Sullivan was a lot of fun, Eddie/Jericho was a borefest, main events were trash. Particularly Hogan/Piper. Absolute garbage. Just terrible. Even if the finish hadn't have been botched hilariously.