WWF St. Valentine's Day Massacre: In Your House 2/14/99
FINALLY, Austin vs Vince in a cage!
Goldust vs Bluedust
Blue Meanie. Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to hire him? Christ. Of all the ECW talent, that is the guy you take? The fucking Blue Meanie? For real? Of all the talent to hire in 1998/1999 ECW, he would probably be the last one I'd think about hiring. This is a SOLID 3 minutes. Do you want to see Blue Meanie's ass? Do you want to see him kicked in the balls? Then you'll love this match. Goldy won with the Curtain Call. Then he kicked that fat fuck in the dick. He also apparently broke his foot doing the Shattered Dreams. Even those 3 minutes were too long.
EARLIER TONIGHT. Austin and Vince had a confrontation on Heat. HBK made sure they didn't fight. Vince spat in his Austin's face. If Austin had attacked Vince, the match would be off.
Al Snow vs Hardcore Holly WWF Hardcore Championship
Road Dogg got injured so this is to crown a new champion. Things quickly head out into the crowd. Then they quickly head backstage. Hardcore matches must have sucked for live audiences. Falls count anywhere, friends. They've taken the fight outside. It's 30 degrees out there, friends. That's below freezing. These two could literally freeze to death. They might die. It's possible. They're now on the banks of the Mississippi River! And Bob gets thrown in! HE COULD DIE GOD DAMN IT. Then Al gets back dropped into it. They both might die here. This could be the last match for either man. That piece of shit Bob pinned Al after wrapping him in a random piece of metal fencing that happened to be down by the river. New champion! Bob has finally shed the label of "Sparky Plug". Allegedly. Probably not since you just brought it up, Cole.
EARLIER TODAY. Taker led a Ministry of Darkness meeting over a fire in a trash can. This whole time you thought they were some evil cult, but they were actually just a group of homeless dudes.
Big Boss Man vs Mideon
Oh fuck me. Mideon has a jar with an eye ball in it that he gives to Cole/King for safe keeping. Boss Man wins via Boss Man Slam. Fans were NOT into this at all. It's a short match, but not nearly short enough. How the fuck was Mideon/Phineas Godwinn/Tex Slazenger still a thing in 1999? Hey FUCK YOU Vince Russo. You piece of shit. After the match, the rest of the Ministry showed up. They murdered and raped Boss Man or some shit.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin is with D'Lo, Mark Henry, and Ivory. Earlier tonight, Ivory and Debra got into it.
D'Lo Brown/Mark Henry vs Jeff Jarret/Owen Hart WWF Tag Team Championships
The last remnants of the Nation EXPLODE. Owen and Mark begin the match. D'Lo and Mark now have Ivory, who in theory is there to keep Debra in line. But Mark wants to fuck every woman he sees, so the extra woman around is more of hindrance than anything. It's really a bummer to watch Owen. Obviously knowing what will happen to him in a few months, but also because he definitely wasn't the same guy after Survivor Series 1997. It's pretty obvious he didn't want to be there and his heart wasn't in anything he did from November 1997 through his death. D'Lo ended up having to keep Debra and Ivory apart, which seems to defeat the purpose of having Ivory there at all. During the distraction, Owen hit Mark with a guitar in Mark's already injured knee. Figure four for the win. Titles retained. Ivory ripped Debra's jacket off after the match.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin asks Mankind about the attack from Rock on Heat. Rock busted up Foley's legs while Mick was arming up with Bob Backlund and the Iron Sheik.
Ken Shamrock vs Val Venis WWF Intercontinental Championship
Special Guest Referee: Billy Gunn
Now, this angle never made sense to me. It's all over Val fucking Ken's sister. But in real life, that woman was Ken's girlfriend. I see no reason where the need was to make that girl his sister. All it did was make him look like a SUPER creep who was obsessed with his sister's sex life. It's not like this was Ken looking out for his underage sister. She's an adult. And Val is an adult (film star). Ken being OBSESSED with the idea of Val fucking her is creepy as fuck if it is his sister. But if it is his girlfriend in the story, his reactions make a lot more sense. Big Bill mostly stays out of the way and makes ultra slow counts, but for both men so it is fair. Well, that's not true. He totally stopped counting after a DDT from Shamrock that had the match won. Imagine if Shamrock got to be around to work with the Radicalz/Angle/Brock. He probably would have been able to have some dope matches with those guys. Spot of the match is when Ken was getting in Ryan's face and clearly says "slap me" and then she does. Ken hit Billy. Billy threw him back in the ring and fast counted him. Val wins. NEW CHAMPION! Billy went back to the ring to beat up Val, too.
Chyna/Kane vs X-Pac/Triple H
Shane is out for commentary and he's TERRIBLE at it. People shit on Vince's commentary, but Shane is absolutely BRUTAL and SCREAMS everything. Christ, shut the fuck up, Shane. I think it is interesting that HHH is wearing the red and black. Foreshadowing, perhaps? So fucking ready for HHH to turn heel because he's shit as a face. I don't know why Cole is so shocked and amazed that Chyna can throw X-Pac and HHH around. She's spent most of the prior 2 years throwing even bigger dudes around with no problems. You're really shocked that she can slam X-Pac when she spent 6 months throwing Mick Foley around? X-Pac went after Shane at the table, which is great because that meant I didn't have to hear Shane for a bit. Shane hits the ring and hits X-Pac. Kid then chases him to the back, leaving HHH by himself. Kane hits the chokeslam and puts Chyna on top of HHH. Chyna gets the win! I think it is kind of shitty that she looked pretty weak and afraid in this match after being booked SO strong and fearless for 2 years. One punch from HHH pretty much killed her. If someone had punched Chyna in 1997, she barely would have moved.
The Rock vs Mankind WWF Championship
Last Man Standing Match
Mankind starts the match by turning his back to Rock and letting Rock work him over. This was apparently some kind of trap or something. Things quickly head towards the entrance area. They head to a table around there. Rock eats a DDT through it and the monitors hit both in the head. The match heads back to the ring, where Foley attempts the People's Elbow. He missed. Rock talks shit at the announce table and gets hit. Things start getting awkward when Mankind tries to do a piledriver on the table. Rock backdrops him. Mick's head bounced off the table while the back of his knees bounced of the time keeper's table/bell. Moments later, Rock chucks the steps from the ring right on top of Mick's hip. Cole with the classic call: "GOD DARN IT!" But he said "damn it" just seconds later, so why wouldn't he just say god damn it like a normal person? LOL the top set of stairs weighs 200-250 pounds. They weigh 87 pounds. And CM Punk couldn't get them unattached. Rock stops the match to sing. He gets put in the mandible claw during it. Ref bump! There are DDTs and finishers. Then they hit each other with chairs at the same time and neither man is able to make the 10 count. The match is a draw. Title retained. This got a chorus of boos and a BULLSHIT chant. Both men are taken out in an ambulance.
Steve Austin vs Vince McMahon
Steel Cage Match
Vince does a lot of stalling, quite appropriate in Memphis. Austin kicks Vince's ass all around ringside, because they have yet to both be in the cage at the same time. Vince then takes off into the crowd like at the Rumble, but Austin catches up to him this time. It's about 10 minutes of no action at all in the ring before Vince takes that disgusting table bump. Holy fuck. Just brutal. Even Austin's reaction is like "GOD DAMN SON". EMTs, officials, and Shane come out. Vince is placed on a stretcher, but tells them not to take him. Fink tries to announce Austin the winner. Austin won't let him, saying it's bullshit. Austin then knocks Vince off the stretcher and beats the nearly lifeless body. The match FINALLY officially starts about 20 minutes in. Austin walks out of the cage, but comes back when Vince flips him off. KICK TO THE BALLS KICK TO THE BALLS THE OLD MAN IS GOING TO DO IT! Vince takes another bump hanging from the top of the cage to the mat, right on his broken tail bone. It's legitimately amazing Vince is even able to stand up, let alone run and take bumps. Vince is busted open. Double bloody birds! OH MY GOD THAT'S THE GIANT! Well, Paul Wight. Cole uses every word besides "giant". Big Show throws Austin into the cage, which breaks apart and Austin falls to the floor. Austin wins! Austin is going to Wrestlemania!
What a surprise, another not very good show. At least Vince finally got his comeuppance. That bump was DISGUSTING. Jesus. Rock/Foley 4 wasn't so hot. The least of their matches for sure. They couldn't up the brutality of the RR match, or the comedy of the Half Time Heat match. Instead it was just kind of there.