WWF King of the Ring 1999

KOTR has been home to some pretty shitty shows. It's way over rated. 1993 is the only year with good wrestling in it.

EARLIER TONIGHT. King Ken had another one of his internal bleeding fits.

TO THE BACK. Ken is still coughing up blood.

TO THE COLE. Cole is outside of Vince's office, waiting to hear from him with an update on Shane, who Ken beat up earlier.

Hardcore Holly vs X-Pac KOTR Quarter Final

One round too many for PPV when you've got a handful of other matches on the card. Former tag champs EXPLODE. Who would have thought that the 123 Kid and Sparky Plug would still be around 4 years later? Very short match. Hardcore intentionally gets disqualified by hitting X-Pac with a chair in the ring, presumably because he was mad about the bronco buster. He continued to pound on X-Pac until Road Dogg made the save.


TO THE ROOSTER. Terry Taylor catches up with Bob after the match. Bob is the BIG SHOT.

Big Show vs Kane KOTR Quarter Final

Just a set of trunks is not a good look for Show. 16  years later, these two were still having matches on PPV. I guess this is a HOSS match. It's not very good. Mostly because Show is fat, out of shape, lazy, and didn't know how to actually do a match. They do a very shitty version of the double big boot spot. Neither guy came even close to touching the other. Kane ducked a kick and the ref got drilled. Kane then hit a low blow. Hardcore Holly comes back out with a chair. Kane stops him from using it and chokeslams him. Kane then chokes Show to death. Like an Undertaker match from 1991. Just an extended choke sequence. It should have killed Show. It goes on for like 2 full minutes. Maybe more. Show somehow stands up. Kane hits Show with the chair. The ref comes to to make the pin. Kane advances.


TO THE COLE. Vince says that Shane is hurt and can't compete. The main event is in doubt.

Billy Gunn vs Ken Shamrock KOTR Quarter Final

Ken shouldn't be competing, but Billy's shit talking just pissed him off so much. Another short nothing match. I was thinking. The Kane/Show match was twice as long as Pac/Holly, but 2 minutes of it was a single choke hold. This match is stopped after a powerbomb that makes Shamrock's insides explode out of his mouth.


TO THE HERMIE. Chyna is going to become the first QUEEN of the ring.

Road Dogg vs Chyna KOTR Quarter Final

LOL at the camera focusing on fans who were confused at Road Dogg's new intro and still trying to follow along. Like a little kid trying to sing along to the radio. This is a very slow match with Chyna mostly dominating. But anytime Road Dogg is about to get some offense, HHH is there to wreck him. I'm not sure that puts Chyna over. She does have some dope forearms and uppercuts, but she's still dependent on HHH to keep her in control and help her win through out this whole tournament. Oh good, a ref bump. HHH hits Roadie with a chain. Earl comes to to count the pin 12SHEGOTHIMNOSHEDIDN'T! It's HBK! He prevents HHH from interfering again. During all of this commotion, Chyna hit a low blow. But Roadie was wearing a steel cup! He pins Chyna with the pumphandle slam to advance. This match was twice as long as the longest match on the show so far.


TO THE COLE. Rock bullies him and isn't impressed with Undertaker.


Hardy Boys vs Edge & Christian

These teams had a match on Heat that was interrupted by the Acolytes, so they get to have another match. Michael "PS I'm a cunt" Hayes is now the manager for the Hardys, also dressing in raver pants and exceptionally tight shirts. Edge hit a pretty dope Alabama Slam on Jeff. Jeff was doing Poetry in motion 15 seconds later. Hayes interfered and it didn't even work. Sack of shit. Spear to Matt. Spear to Hayes. The next Poetry in Motion is countered with Edge spearing Jeff out of the sky. Gangrel accidentally blood mists Edge. Jeff gets the win with the Twist of Fate.


TO THE COLE. Taker ain't got time for Rock's shit. "What happens when you rip the balls off of a bull?"

Vince McMahon comes to the ring. He says that Shane can't compete, so the main event is canceled. Commissioner HBK returns and says the match will happen. Shane will be replaced by a suitable...replacement. And the replacement is...just Vince? I think.

Billy Gunn vs Kane KOTR Semi Final

Kane dominates. Then Billy dropkicks the steps into Kane's head. And then rest holds. I really don't see the need for rest holds in a 5 minute match, but whatever. Billy grabbed a chair. Show came out, took it, and hit Kane. Billy advances to the finals.

TO THE HERMIE. Kevin speaks with X-Pac, who has mixed feelings on facing one of his best friends in the semis, but may the best man win. Road Dogg had a similar thought.

X-Pac vs Road Dogg KOTR Semi-Final

"I aM a MiKdunals imploiee of da Munth". That's an interesting sign. In another very short match, X-Pac won with the X-Factor.

The Rock vs The Undertaker WWF Championship

Taker starts the match by attacking the ref. Then Rock hits the Rock Bottom about 40 seconds in. Then a second ref comes out and Paul drops him. 2 ref bumps in the first minute. Fuck. Chokeslam. Rock kicks out. It's like they just skipped the whole bulk of the match or something. The match quickly heads towards the entrance area. Why wouldn't Taker immediately be disqualified? And then Paul attacked the second ref, so Taker should have been disqualified again. Did Chioda just not wonder what hit him? After brawling around the arena, the match hits the ring. What a novel concept. The dreaded water spit from Rock. Back into the crowd. Paul's shoe gets involved. Another ref bump. Paul gives Taker an ether rag. Rock ends up using it. HHH runs in and hits Rock with the pedigree. Taker wins with the tombstone. Title retained. What a fucking mess. Russo to the MAX. The match STARTS with two ref bumps and finishers, then brawls all around the arena, outside interference from Paul, a run in from HHH, a third ref bump. Christ.

TO THE BACK. HBK throws HHH out of the building, which was apparently Vince's choice for Shane's replacement. Vince then gets on his phone and calls someone.

X-Pac vs Billy Gunn KOTR Finals

Billy attacks before the bell like the cunt that he is. X-Pac threw a flurry of offense, but Billy won with a second rope fameasser in shorter order. King Ass! X-Pac's 3 matches combined were shorter than Chyna's one match.


Steve Austin vs Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon

Ladder Match Winner Take All

The winner has control of the WWF. Steve Blackman is Shane's replacement. Steve Blackman main eventing a PPV with Austin! GTV reveals Shane bragging with the Mean Street Posse. There's nothing wrong with Shane. They try to run out of the arena. HBK catches them and walks Shane to the ring.


Obviously, Austin dominates. He even BERRIES the McMahons in a very Cena-like move. Pulled the whole set of ladders down on top of them with a random chain that happened to be attached to a ladder. Austin took some bumps, but this isn't a match. It's an extended Raw segment. Two non-wrestlers, one that his 53, and a wrestler with a bad neck and knees. Makes perfect sense to do a ladder match. Austin has the match won when the briefcase raises. Shane ends up getting the briefcase, meaning the McMahons are back in control of the WWF.


What a shit show. To start, the entire first round of the KOTR had about 15 minutes devoted to it. 8 matches. A little over 15 minutes total for all of them. Chyna's match with Road Dogg was almost as long as the entire first round. Nothing good came out of this show. Run in and ref bumps everywhere, the Taker/Rock match was done in reverse for some reason, a main event with 2 non-wrestlers and a dude with bad knees and neck in a ladder match. It's a BAD show.