WWF Fully Loaded: In Your House 1998
TO THE BACK. King tries to get Sable to describe the bikini she'll be wearing tonight. She gives him a preview.
Val Venis vs Jeff Jarrett
Val's first PPV appearance. Venis rhymes with penis. Do you think that was intentional? I find it hard to believe that the WWF really had a porn star gimmick. The ref will not allow Southern Justice to be at ringside. Then Kaientai comes out and are also sent to the back. Yamaguchi-san was able to sneak out to the announce booth, though. King pervs out on Mrs. Yamaguchi. Wait. Didn't these two have a match in TNA over a decade later? Val dominates the opening minutes. Jeff hit a pretty solid powerbomb, which is not a normal move for him. He then hit a solid DDT. DON'T STOMP HIS DICK, THAT'S HIS MONEY MAKER YOU SON OF A BITCH. Jeff nearly wins with a top rope cross body. Val got busted open under his eye at some point. He gets the win after bumping Jeff into Col. Parker and rolling him up. Val makes a small dick joke towards Yamaguchi after the match. Asians have small penises, you see.
TO THE HART HOUSE. Later tonight, the Dungeon Match will emanate from the famed Hart Dungeon.
D'Lo Brown vs X-Pac
How weird, X-Pac is over as fuck. About a year and a half later and he'd get his own type of negative heat named after him. D'Lo won the European Championship from HHH on Raw, but refused to put the title on the line tonight. Chyna is also over as fuck and gets a loud chant during a sleeper hold from D'Lo. D'Lo focuses on the neck of X-Pac for most of the match. He lays Kid the fuck out with a lariato. There was some heat on that one. D'Lo misses a moonsault, which allows X-Pac to go to work. D'Lo hit the Sky High to get the win in a fun, but way too short match. D'Lo is one of the unsung heroes of the Attitude Era. He was so fun to watch.
Edge is hanging out in the crowd, being a weirdo.
TO THE BACK. Kevin Kelly and Dr. Tom are covering a story about Taker not having arrived to the arena yet.
2 Cold Scorpio/Faarooq vs Justin Bradshaw/Terry Funk
Simmons and 2 Cold reuniting their ECW tag team. Funk and JBL had a quick pre-match promo. Terry said it would be his last WWF match for at least 6 months because he needs a recharging. Bradshaw wasn't happy with it. Faarooq is really pretty lost after being kicked out of the Nation. He's lost to Rock on PPV, and he's not really a face, heel, or tweener. He's just...there. JBL and Scorp start the match. Faarooq is soon tagged in and the APA EXPLODES. Bradshaw comes off the top with a shoulder block. JBL isn't racist, because his best friend is black. So it's totally okay when he says terrible shit about Asians, Blacks, and Mexicans (even if they are actually Puerto Ricans). The second time JBL tries the super shoulder block, Faarooq catches him in a powerslam. Moments later, Bradshaw is doing a back superplex on Scorp, so it must not have mattered much to him. Bradshaw did the back superplex and fall away slam, so I'm forced to believe that he's a Razor Ramon mark. Funk takes Scorp to the floor and into the crowd. Scorp pins Funk with a 450 in another short match. JBL lays Funk out with a lariato after the match. Scorp tries to save Funk and also gets laid out with a lariatoooo. Faarooq stared him down and got hit with a chair.
Vader vs Mark Henry
Neither budge while running into each other. Vader probably should have stayed in WCW. He likely was getting paid more to probably be on the same spot on the card he would have been by this point. They botch a powerslam, which makes Vader roll to the floor and yell FUCK. Mark won in another very short match. 2010 Mark Henry vs pre-1996 Vader would have been DOPE AS FUCK. This wasn't, though. Vader almost lost his entire aura in the WWF. Especially after the first few months. He got sloppy fat, was audibly asking people to not him so hard, HBK made him cry, and then he cried and called himself a big fat piece of shit on camera. TMF status was lost for 2 years. He had to go murder guys in Japan to get some of it back.
TO THE HART HOUSE. Another shot of the house.
TO THE BACK. Dr. Tom and Kevin Kelly are still talking about Taker. Vince Russo was briefly shown on camera. As they're talking, Kane's pyro hits and scares them.
Kane, Mankind, and Paul Bearer head to the ring. The NAO interrupt them about 20 seconds into the promo. They challenge Kane/Mankind to a match tomorrow night on Raw. Then they attack. A host of officials pull them apart.
LOD 2000 vs Disciples of Apocalypse
DOA are now heels and managed by Paul Ellering. Hawk is in the midst of the "Hawk is a drunk" spell. I can only hope this is as short as the previous matches. Ellering is still jacked. This match is fairly short, but not short enough. It's about 8 minutes too long. Ellering was involved heavily during the match and the Harris Brothers got the win with a DDT on Animal.
Vince, Sarge, and The Stooges come to the ring. Vince is there to talk about Taker possibly no-showing tonight. If that happens, don't blame Vince. Blame Austin. "Advert-is-mint" is an odd way to say advertisement. The English way, I suppose. Vince reads the program, which says card is subject to change and the promoter is able to to make a suitable substitution should a performer not make it to a show. And Taker's replacement will be...THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER!
Ken Shamrock vs Owen Hart Dungeon Match Special Guest Referee: Dan Severn
This is a submission match in the actual Hart Family dungeon. Owen scores an immediate take down, but Shamrock sweeps to mount position. They attempt leg submissions. Shamrock teep kicks Owen, which sends him into the wooden wall. Belly to belly! Owen turns it around with a low blow and repeatedly rams Ken's head into the wooden wall. German suplex! Owen gets full mount, but Ken again sweeps. Owen is able to use the pipes to pull off a rana. Ken tries the same thing and gets powerbombed. Owen literally puts Ken's head through the ceiling. Owen ducks a head kick and Severn takes the brunt of it. Owen uses the distraction to hit Ken in the head with a dumbbell. Owen puts Ken in a one armed Crippler Crossface and makes Ken tap out with the other hand. Severn comes to see the tap out. Owen wins! He did it all on his own!
The Rock vs Triple H WWF Intercontinental Championship 2/3 Falls
DX and the Nation are sent to the back. Things are pretty even for the first few minutes until Rock sends HHH into the steps. I don't like face HHH at all. Everything about him screams heel. His moves, his work style, his personality. As a face wrestler, he's not very interesting to watch no matter who the opponent is. He's a born heel in the ring. Mark Henry comes out and splashes HHH on the floor. Billy Gunn comes out to fight him off. HHH should have been counted out at least 10 times. Rock uses the title belt to win the first fall NOHEDOESN'T. "Women. Can't live with them, no resell value." 15 minutes in and no falls have been decided. Rock makes a pretty dope recovery after the float over DDT is botched. Godfather comes out. The Outlaws stop him before he can interfere. Rock argues with the ref for way too long so D'Lo can miss his cue. HHH decks D'Lo with the European Championship, but then walks right into the Rock Bottom. Fall 1 goes to Rock.
Fall 2 starts with Rock still in control. D'Lo tries to get involved again and Chyna beats his ass. While the ref is distracted with her, X-Pac runs in and hits the X-Factor on Rock. Rock kicks out. HHH brings a chair into the ring. Rock takes it and accidentally hits the ref. Chyna hops in the ring and DDTs Rock on the the chair. HHH wins fall 2.
HHH tries a pin after the rest period ends, but there was no ref to count it. 2 minutes remain in the time limit. HHH hits the pedigree as time expires. This match is a draw. Title retained. The Nation and DX brawl after the match.
TO THE BACK. Dr. Tom and Kevin Kelly let us know that Taker has arrived to the arena.
Sable vs Jacqueline Bikini Contest
Before the contest, Dustin Runnels comes out and prays for forgiveness for the women and all those that will be watching. Jackie's tit briefly slips out. I can't believe people thought Sable was hot. She's so trashy looking. Those ridiculous fake tits, the white trash hair, the white trash voice. She's annoying as shit and trash as fuck. Vince was not happy with Sable's bikini (or lack thereof) and comes out to cover her up with his jacket. Sable wins.
The Undertaker/Steve Austin vs Kane/Mankind WWF Tag Team Championships
The Russo Special main events a PPV. Austin and Mankind officially begin the match, although it really started with both teams brawling on the floor. THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. Taker has a particular gesture for his partner. Kane hits a chokeslam on his brother. Mankind goes for the Cactus Elbow. Austin sends him flying off the apron onto the SAT. Hot tag to Austin. He lays a chair shot into Kane's head. "The Chair shot heard 'round the world." Except for the ref who was 3 feet away from it. A lot of bullshit "DO THEY GET ALONG OR NOT" spots through out the whole match. Taker gets a huge pop when he finally decides to work with Austin and then decimates the champs. He pins Kane after a tombstone. New champions! Taker leaves with both belts.
Another skippable show. In ring wise, the Attitude Era isn't really any better than the New Generation era, but since (almost) everyone is super over, the shows are a lot easier to watch. If the crowds were dead, most of these shows would be pretty dreadful. You might look at the card and think "Oh, Rock vs HHH 2/3 falls? That should be good." You'd be wrong, because it wasn't good. HHH is boring as shit as a face. HHH in general was boring as shit until his main event push.