WWF Fully Loaded 7/25/99
TO THE BACK. Austin is being attended to as Taker busted him open on Heat.
TO THE COLE. Cole talks to the McMahons about this shit.
Edge vs Jeff Jarrett WWF Intercontinental Championship
Edge randomly won the title at a house show. Jeff tries to leave early on. King says great lines like, "I love beavers". I don't even know the context. There probably wasn't any. King just wanting to talk about vaginas. I can tell you this: Edge wasn't ready for any kind of high profile singles match at this point. The lights go out, Brood music plays and then cuts out to play backwards speech. The lights come up and Gangrel is on the floor with Edge standing over him. Well, that was a waste of time. Edge hit a spear. Debra got on the apron to distract him even though he hadn't tried for a pin anyway. Debra got knocked off the apron. Gangrel popped up to give a rope stunner. Stroke. Jarrett wins. New champion! Glad to see the show is already full of fuckery.
TO THE BACK. Austin leaves the medical area.
Austin comes running to the ring and beats the shit out of Double J. BERRIED. He's going to bust Taker's big dead ass open to make the main event fair.
TO THE COLE. Fucking Cunt gets to cut a promo and takes credit for the Hardys's success. Like...all of it.
Acolytes vs Hardy Boys/Michael Hayes Acolyte Rules WWF Tag Team Championships
"PS I'm a cunt." That's what it stands for. Acolyte Rules means no DQ. APA destroys Hayes and the Hardys on the floor for a few minutes before the match even begins. Who in the FUCK had the idea to put Michael Hayes back in the ring in 1999? He was dog shit in his prime and was past his prime by 1989. Basically, this match is the Hardys doing high flying shit and then the APA knocking the shit out of them for it as Hayes gasps for air. "Faarooq sounds like James Earl Jones." Good analysis, Jim. JBL was stiff as FUCK with Hayes, which is wonderful. Jeff broke Cunt's cane over JBL's face. It didn't matter, as JBL lariatooooed the fuck out of Jeff right out of the air seconds later. Hayes is pinned after a double powerbomb. New champions!
TO THE BACK. Austin searches for Taker.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin speaks with D'Lo, who has waited 9 months to get another shot at the European Championship.
D'Lo Brown vs Mideon WWF European Championship
Shane had retired the title after winning it. Mideon found it in Shane's bag and started defending it. Much like Janitor Jim Duggan finding the WCW TV Championship in the trash and defending it. I'm not watching a Mideon match. D'Lo wins with the Lo Down. New champion.
TO THE COLE. Al Snow is crazier than ever since Boss Man drove a spike into Head's...head.
Al Snow vs Big Boss Man WWF Hardcore Championship
Basically Al wants Boss Man to kill him so Al can stop hearing the voices from Head. So Boss Man pounds the spike and Al sells it as if it was his own head. Some weapons used by Al: A sand bag, a cardboard box full of papers, hot coffee, some kind of potted plant. Boss Man used a 1st down Marker, tried to use a golf cart that didn't work, his belt. Things went outside. Boss Man hit a bulldog on the side walk for 2. Eventually, Boss Man cuffs Al to a fence and beats him with a baton. New champion! So awkward. Boss Man has quite a potty mouth.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin is with Hardcore Holly, who says he doesn't need to or have to be partial to either man in the upcoming match.
Kane vs Big Show
Special Guest Referee: Hardcore Holly
Holy shit. the first spot is show press slamming Kane to the floor. What a splat. That looked hurty as fuck. Nothing good happened after that. Hardcore chop-blocked Kane and then did a fast count after Show hit a chokeslam. X-Pac comes out to take care of Bob. Taker then runs out and beats on Kane with Show. As Taker was heading to the back, Austin attacked and busted him open.
Steve Blackman vs Ken Shamrock Iron Circle Match
This is a match in the parking garage where the fighting area is surrounded by a ring of cars. The first person to leave the circle wins. It's short and nothing remotely good happens during it. Ken chokes Blackman out with a chain. It's also terribly shot and lit, so unless they're right in the middle of the circle, you can't see shit.
TO THE ROOSTER. Terry Taylor tries to get words with Taker, who throws him into a wall.
TO THE COLE. Chyna and Billy Gunn. They're going to eat Roadie and X-Pac.
Billy Gunn/Chyna vs X-Pac/Road Dogg
The winning team gets the rights to the DX name. This is trash. Ultimately meaningless since DX would reform in a couple of months anyway. Road Dogg pinned Billy Gunn, so now they get that sweet merch money all to themselves.
TO THE BACK. Austin gets ready for his match.
Triple H vs The Rock
Fully Loaded Strap Match
Rock's pre-match promo made fun of the Curtain Call and threatened anal abuse. The match pretty much starts out on the floor. This is actually a pinfall/submission only match, which I'm not sure I've seen in a strap match. Not only does this go to the floor, but into the crowd and stage area. Wait, this is also falls count anywhere. JR makes his government mule reference. King asks what the government needs with a mule. Jr says, "It's safer than an intern, but that's another story". Was JR intimating that it would have been a better idea for Bill Clinton to fuck a mule than get a BJ from Monica Lewinsky? After a while, Chyna strolls out and distracts the ref while the Rock had it won with the Rock Bottom. The strap really isn't used too much. Mostly just for Irish whips. Rock ate some strappage a few times and HHH tried to hang him with it, but for the most part this would be the same match without it. In fact, HHH takes the strap off and there is nothing to be done since it is no DQ. Billy Gunn shows up with a club, which he cracks Rock in the face with. 12HEGOTHIMNOHEDIDN'T! One of the shittiest People's Elbows ever gets broken up by Billy. Rock Bottom to King Ass! Pedigree OUTTA NOWHERE. HHH is going to Summerslam! Certainly more enjoyable to me than their 1998 face HHH matches, but still really just a generic Attitude Era brawl with a stipulation that was pretty useless in the over all scheme and story of the match.
Steve Austin vs The Undertaker WWF Championship
First Blood End of an Era Match
If Austin wins, Vince be off TV forever (lol). If Taker wins, Austin will never get another title shot. LOL at JR going IN on Vince before the match, including bringing up the "Vince hates sneezing" story. Vince joins for color. JR is a real dick to Fink for Fink doing his job.
A reminder, both Austin and Taker have been busted open tonight already. Unsurprisingly, this match starts in the aisle. It follows the same areas that Rock/HHH hit just moments ago. "YOU GOT THIS SHIT RIGHT!" A slow paced brawl where both guys hit each other in the head, but not too hard making sure they don't accidentally end the match prematurely. Then Austin changes directions entirely to start working on Taker's leg. I guess with the theory being that Taker would be easier to bust open if he can't stand. Earl brutally telegraphs his ref bump. God he's garbage. Taker trips over Earl and gets tied up in the ropes, Andre style. Austin gets a chair. Shane runs in and gets LEVELED. Stunner! Vince tries to fight with his crutch and gets knocked on his ass. Both men have chairs in the ring. Taker tries to bust Austin open by hitting him in the back. X-Pac runs in and does a Van Daminator to Taker. Austin busts Taker open with a TV camera. Title retained. VINCE IS GONE FOREVER (lol). HHH attacks Austin after the match. Rock returns and continues that fight. Taker hit Austin with a chair. Austin blades AFTER the match. That makes sense. Austin and Taker continue to brawl with a huge pull apart. This post match brawl had way more intensity than the actual match. Vince gets another goodbye stunner.
Another shitty show. Fuck.