WWF Armageddon 12/12/99
Vince starting and ending the year in the main event. And main eventing in the middle of the year. He's a true superstar.
Tag Team Battle Royal
Dudleys, Hardys, E&C, APA, Headbangers, Mean Street Posse, Too Cool, Godfather/Mark Henry. Winners get a tag title shot. I can't believe the Headbangers are still around. Rodney gets eliminated. The MSP keep slipping in the third member to avoid being eliminated, but they are indeed the first team out. Battle Royals suck. All of them. Never been a good one. The Royal Rumble is the only variation that is worth a while and even then, only a handful have actually been good. This is fucking dumb. Nothing going on. This should have been a tag team turmoil or something. The Hardys and APA are the last two teams. Matt and JBL go over the ropes at the same time, so Faarooq and Jeff stay in. Jeff eliminates Faarooq and the ref misses it. So the ref missed 3 different eliminations during this match. Because there is only ONE ref for a 16 man battle royal. And now both teams are back in the ring anyway. Faarooq eliminates Jeff to win the match for the APA. Big fucking waste of time.
TO THE LILLIAN. She speaks with Kurt Angle, who claims to still be undefeated since Steve Blackman got pinned in their tag match, not him.
Kurt Angle vs Steve Blackman
Steven comes right in to knock the shit out of Kurt. No playing around tonight. This time, it's kind of personalish. I wish Blackman had learned how to wrestle, becuse he had such a bad motherfucker look. But as a wrestler, he wasn't good at...anything really. Kurt misses his first PPV moonsault. LOL at Blackman trying to do all these submissions to Kurt. They look so bad. How can a guy so legitimately badass look like such a goon in the ring? Kurt wins with a German suplex. Maybe start putting Kurt in the ring with dudes who are actually good at wrestling? Just a thought. My opinion doesn't matter since I don't work for WWE, so I'm told. This show is not off to a good start.
TO THE BACK. A woman changes behind one of those see through thingys. Cole shows up and we find out it was former EMT Barbra Bush. Cole gets a boner and has to leave.
Ivory vs The Kat vs BB vs Jacqueline WWF Women's Championship
Pool Evening Gown Match
An evening gown match. In a pool. For the title. I thought Vince Russo was gone? What is this shit? Shameful. The Kat wins and then shows her tits. Fucking terrible. Some offensive shit. Then Mae Young decides she's going to strip, too.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin speaks with Rikishi, who will be teaming with Viscera against the Hollys. LOL Rikishi doing some nursery rhyme shit. 15 years later and his cousin got stuck with the same shit. Rikishi represents the fat, healthy people of the world. I seriously doubt Rikishi was truly healthy at 300+ pounds.
Holly Cousins vs Rikishi Phatu/Viscera
Battle of the super heavyweights! All these Ministry guys are so lost without Taker around. Crash Holly and Rikishi start the match. Crash is almost immediately squashed by that phat ass. The Attitude Era is just the New Generation with a coat of paint. It's amazing, really. All these dudes that were killing business 3-4 years earlier with some of the worst gimmicks in history are all important(ish) parts of the hottest era ever. Mabel, Sparky Plug, Roadie, Smoking Billy Gunn, Rocky Maivia, Make a Difference Fatu, 123 Kid (who was dope, but still), Justin Hawk Bradshaw, and so on. Basically, the moral of this story is Crash should stay away from super heavyweights and fat people can't get along. Mabel accidentally hit Rikishi with a wheel kick and cost them the match. Of course, fatties fight after the match.
TO THE LILLIAN. She speaks with Val Venis, who is looking to regain some championship gold tonight. He throws out a lot of promo cliches and then hits on Lillian in Spanish. She liked it and walked off with him.
D'Lo Brown vs Val Venis vs British Bulldog WWF European Championship
Remember when D'Lo almost broke Val's neck? Remember when D'Lo DID break Droz's neck? JR says that D'Lo is the only man to be European and IC champ at the same time. Jeff Jarrett beat D'Lo for both titles at Summerslam, so there had been two at this point. Double J already retconned out of existence. The MSP tried to be at ringside and were ejected by Teddy Long. Val and D'Lo are wearing matching gear. D'Lo hits a big tope early on. This would definitely be better without Bulldog. Although at the same time, if you're going to use Bulldog, it was best to use him in multiman matches like this to cover for him not being able to do much. It's just sad. Dude reminds me of all those guys in NJPW who have neck and brain injuries but get booked for years out of loyalty. Except I don't think this Bulldog run was because of loyalty from Vince. D'Lo has a sweet botch trying a springboard DDT. Val and D'Lo then botch a hip toss together and probably destroyed Bulldog's shoulder in the process. This match is a mess. D'Lo hit the Lo Down on Bulldog, and then Val hit the Money Shot on D'Lo to break up the pin. Val pins Bulldog. New champion. Somehow this shit show has been the best part of the show.
TO THE COLE. Cole speaks with X-Pac about his match with Kane. X-Pac would only agree with a few demands. The cage match is pin fall only for Kane, while X-Pac can win via pin or escape. X-Pac looks like he had a ROUGH night. And by rough night, I mean did a bunch of drugs the night before.
Kane vs X-Pac
Steel Cage Match
This match starts on the floor, with X-Pac hitting Kane with the ring bell. Then X-Pac scrambles to get into the cage, which I question. Just keep running away, breh. JR and King spend some time talking about penises. Kane dominates X-Pac. The way it is supposed to be, really. Cunty heel finally gets locked in the cage and the face beats his ass. Kid does get some offense when Kane gets straddled on the top rope. The NAO run out and attempt to get in the cage. Billy slams the door in his face and slides a chair in. X-Factor on the chair. Kane is then handcuffed to the cage and Kid tees off on his head with the chair. Tori gets in the ring to stop X-Pac. He spits in her face and hits her with the X-Factor. Kane breaks the handcuffs and catches X-Pac as X-Pac was climbing out. Then he throws Kid back in the ring. This is dumb. This show has been shitty. Flying clothesline from the top of the cage! Tombstone. Kane wins.
Chris Jericho vs Chyna WWF Intercontinental Championship
This feud is so shitty. We're at the point where Jericho abducted Chyna, tied her to a chair, and smashed her thumb with a hammer. Jericho had yet to gel with anyone in the WWF at this point, being extremely underwhelming in the ring. Being in this angle with Chyna doesn't really help. And he beats the shit out of her. This is fucking bad. This show is worse than most Russo WCW PPVs. Jericho can't decide if he's going to be super stiff or super light on Chyna. How does Russo leaving lead to MORE offensive and shitty shows? This match is GARBAGE. Christ. I would think Jericho wasn't main event worthy, too. Everything he had done in WWE up to this point was fucking dogshit. He wins with the Walls of Jericho. New champion.
TO THE MITCHELL. Cole speaks with Jericho, who claims himself to be sassy. Chyna shows up and offers a handshake.
Rock and Sock Connection vs New Age Outlaws WWF Tag Team Championships
Rock must be thinking, "WTF, stuck with Billy Gunn again?". Road Dogg and Mankind start the match. I don't think Rock is going to save this show. Just what everyone wanted: Mankind and Road Dogg doing straight wrestling. Tags are made. Billy sees his career flash before his eyes. Again. There is still an hour of this garbage show left. Fuck. This crowd that was so hot for Rock coming out has already died a few minutes into this. Billy Gunn with a Kanyon Cutter OUTTA NOWHERE. NVM. 5 stars. This match is boring as shit. When you can get a crowd to die with the Rock involved, you've put on a shitty show with shitty matches. There is NO reaction to the hot tag to Foley. This might as well be some shitty ROH show. But of course, there's a ref bump. Al Snow runs out and tries to cost Mankind the match. Rock chases Al down and beats him up at the entrance. Despite two weapon shots, the match goes on for another 5 minutes of fuckery and dumb shit. There is all this revisionist history that Russo wasn't actually important at all to the WWF during the Attitude Era, but the first two PPVs without him have been absolutely terrible. Al Snow comes BACK out and causes a DQ. Rock and Sock win via DQ, but the titles remain with the NAO.
Big Show vs Big Boss Man WWF Championship
Big Show wins with a chokeslam in 3 minutes. Title retained. Even in a 3 minute match, there were BORING chants.
Triple H vs Vince McMahon
No Holds Barred
Steph gets a front row seat. HHH brings his sledgehammer to the ring with him. JR is very upset over it, despite it being completely legal. He tried to use it right at the start of the match, but Vince had a trusty bag of coke. SWERVE! Vince throws like 100 punches/slaps. He's going to tire himself out. He's an old man, after all. An old, leathery, HGH'd to the gills man beating the shit out of his company's top heel, who just happens to be nearly 25 years his junior. The match goes to the floor, to the tables, into the crowd. There are no lights where they were fighting, so nothing could be seen. Fans throw all kinds of shit. Lol at Mike Chioda pointing and yelling at fans like he's going to do anything. Mick Foley strolls out with a shopping cart full of weapons. Of all the weapons available to him, Vince takes a trash can lid. Not pipes or canes or chairs or boards. A trash can lid. This crowd is pretty dead. One of the deadest crowds I've heard from an Attitude Era main event. But this show died in the opening match, so it isn't much of a surprise. Luckily, there is a bunch of old combat stuff up by the entrance to be used over and over and over. Including the giant machine gun that no doubt gave Vince a massive concussion. It was pretty gross. But this match. Fuck. Going on FOREVER. And Vince is beating the shit out of HHH for most of it. "We are experiencing Armageddon at Armageddon." Astute call, JR. Things head backstage. Fans boo and chant BORING. Look, no Austin or Rock matches were getting boring chants. People paid a lot of money for a 3 minute title match and 40 minute main event, most of which couldn't be seen by the live crowd. Outside, HHH tries to run Vince over in a car. Jesus. END THIS. Things finally head back into the arena. This is awful. Just awful. The whole show. Possibly the worst WWF PPV of 1999. That says something, since most of them are pretty shitty. They climb some scaffolding. Vince takes a bump into some fluffy padding. No one buys it, no one cares. Even King/JR can't pretend to be enthused for any of this. HHH FINALLY wins this garbage match with sledgehammer shots. Steph then turns on her father due to how shitty the match was.
What a truly awful show. Just bad from start to finish. Maybe the worst main event of the entire Attitude Era. Maybe the worst show period, and almost everything in 1998 is AWFUL. No excitement, no enthusiasm, no effort. From anyone. Not from the wrestlers, not from the crowd, not from the announcers. It feels like a dirty after thought.