WWE Royal Rumble 2010
Christian vs Ezekiel Jackson ECW Championship
God damn was Zeke's music so fucking rad. That Brawl For All remix. This is a very solid quick vet vs strong rookie type match. Christian was probably at his peak of great 80s babyface style working and was able to make Zeke look like a killer. It wasn't spectaular or anything, but it was very solid. I enjoy and appreciate that Zeke didn't try to do any convoluted power moves. He'd just smash and throw you. Over and over. After working for 10 minutes to hit it, Christian finally hits the Killswitch for the win. Title retained.
TO THE BACK. Tiffany and Teddy Long are talking when Cryme Tyme comes in, saying it is bullshit that only one of them can be in the Rumble. They want Teddy to take a spot from someone else. Teddy won't do it, so they try to get Khali's spot by offering him Tiffany. "Great Khali says 'No dice, home slice.'". Then Khali does an URKEL impression. The fuck. Then everyone starts singing "Pants On The Ground". THEN Miz shows up. This shit won't end. Elsewhere, Cody and Randy have a heart to heart. Why the fuck can only one member of Cryme Tyme be in the Rumble?
The Miz vs MVP WWE US Championship
Fuck this match. I don't know what happened to MVP from his matches with Benoit to...anything after, really, but he got shitty in a hurry. And Miz was never good in the ring anyway. King buries the fuck out of Smackdown's tiny viewing audience, saying MVP came from the witness protection program when he got drafted to Raw. Miz wins with a small package OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained. Fuck this match.
TO THE BACK. The Big Show and Chris Jericho chat about jealousy. It's a "ex lovers meet up in an awkward moment" skit. Truth interrupts and says weird shit. Elsewhere, Ted and Randy have a heart to heart about Cody.
Sheamus vs Randy Orton WWE Championship
Uguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. These two have no chemistry. This is the point where everyone in charge should have realized it, yet they've had 3000 matches against each other in the following six years. Sheamus works on Randy's arm, Randy works on Sheamus' leg. Just because it had a story doesn't mean it was interesting at all. Cody Rhodes came out and attacked Sheamus on the floor. The ref saw it. Orton then hit the RKO in the ring...and then the bell rang. Sheamus wins by DQ. Title retained. Randy attacks Cody after the match. Ted comes out to break it up. Randy beats him up, too. And then Sheamus hits the Bro Kick. I don't think this could have been more boring. I've seen video game matches have more chemistry.
Michelle McCool vs Mickie James WWE Women's Championship
This is a feud built over Michelle calling Mickie fat. Such a mature and totally non-stereotypical women's angle. Mickie runs out, attacks Layla, who was dressed like Mickie, then hits her finisher. New champion. Fucking LOL at Matt Striker calling Mickie "the every woman". Because she's fat, you see. Like most women. In what world is Mickie James the average, every woman? After the match, the rest of the dives come out with a giant cake. LayCool get caked. "All these divas secretly hate each other." Karma prevails and the mean girls are put in their place. The whole angle was dumb as shit since Layla was the same size as Mickie and grown fucking athletes having a whole angle on fat shaming dumb shit like they're 14 is ridiculous.
Rey Mysterio vs The Undertaker World Heavyweight Championship
The second Taker is able to get his hands on Rey, he immediately chucks him over the top rope. Which, great on any show except the Royal Rumble. Fucking hate how every Rumble show will have guys going over the top rope in every match. Hey, let's have out main event be a first blood match and then have guys blade in every match. This wasn't long, but it was dope. Very smart. Each guys had counters for all the signature moves and would have to modify them to hit. Rey's offense was all hit and run stuff, and usually counters to Taker's offense. Like just flailing his knees to get out of the tombstone (busting Taker's nose) or rans out of powerbombs and shit. It was rad. Taker wins with a delayed Last Ride. Title retained. Just two vets with two wildly different styles and sizes putting on a short, compact, and intelligent match. Very enjoyable.
Dolph Ziggler enters at number one. Evan Bourne is number two. CM Punk enters next. IWA MS represent. He eliminates both dudes and then grabs a mic. SES Punk is his best look. The hair, the beard, chest hair. It's the only time he looked legit. JTG apparently won the coin toss. He's eliminated in about 15 seconds. More shit talk from Punk. Oh boy, the Great Khali! Beth Phoenix enters and eliminates Khali while kissing him. Then she gets blasted with the GTS. Zack Ryder enters. Punk offers him a spot in the SES and then SWERVES him. Because who the fuck really wants Zack Ryder in your crew? It's TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! Lol. Berrying time. Drew McIntyre enters at nine. HHH blocks a GTS and eliminates Punk. Punk completely controls the first 10 minutes and then HHH throws him out in a minute. Lol. Ted DiBiase Jr. enters and is immediately smashed. Lol. HHH has no time for these young fucks. John Morrison. What a nerd. THE DAEMON KANE! He and HHH should team up and throw all the young guys out. Cody Rhodes enters, trying to help Ted. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, YOU FUCK. You think Dusty wouldn't have tried to eliminate Dick Murdoch right away? MVP enters only to be attacked from behind by Miz.
Carlito enters at 15, meaning we are halfway through this thing. It's not good. All these losers. Plus Matt Striker on commentary. Miz sneaks in. Man, the roster was full of goobers in 2010. He and MVP eliminate each other. It's Matt Hardy! God, the blue tights were not flattering at all for him. Just accentuated his gut and weird legs. Kane eliminates him immediately. Lol. HHH eliminates Kane right after. HBK enters wearing his gear from WM. He has to win this, as it is the only way he'll get his rematch against Taker at WM. It is his life obsession at this point. He eliminates everyone, leaving just HHH and himself in the ring. Before they can get into anything, John Cena arrives. Lol, TEN KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! That might be the worst thing I've ever seen. I love it. I hope he does a double FU. Never mind, pedigree. And then HBK eliminates HHH with a superkick. MY GOD! Shelton Benjamin is in next. He doesn't last long. Matt Striker's future commentary partner, Yoshi Tatsu. Working spots with HBK and Cena. For about 15 seconds. Who the fuck convinced Big Show it was a good idea to wear an ill-fitting singlet with no knee pads? Chris Masters got his entry into the match on Superstars. I'm sure that tells you all you need to know about his chances. R-Truth gets to eliminate Henry and Show at the same time. Jack Swagger! That stupid ass hair. Kofi Kingston enters at 27, the statistically most favored spot. Chris Jericho enters at 28, and Edge returns from a torn Achilles at 29. He immediately eliminates Jericho. Matt Striker says to call your friends and tell them what's happening. That shit doesn't work for PPVs, idiot. Batista enters at 30. He tries to be sneaky about it. It looked hilarious. HBK gets eliminated and became the heart broken old man with wonky hair. Cena eliminates Batista. Edge eliminates Cena with absolutely no drama at all. Edge is going to Wrestlemania.
2010 were dark times. So many losers on the roster. A lot of which are still there as of the weekend of the 2016 Rumble. The Rumble itself fell off a cliff once Punk was gone, which was only a third over at that point. The rest of it had no story outside of "HBK has to face Undertaker at WM". It was just a stream of "X comes in, hits his move on 3 people, promptly gets eliminated". And everything on this show was so short. Taker/Rey was 11 minutes, Sheamus/Orton was 12, Miz/MVP was under 8, Mickie/McCool was 20 seconds, and the Rumble itself was only 49 minutes. Cena had the longest time in this year at just 22 minutes. I'm not really sure why the undercard matches were so short if the rumble itself was so short.
Taker/Rey was pretty rad, and Zeke/Christian was pretty solid. Everything else was trash.