WWE Hell In A Cell 2015

John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio WWE US Championship


Alberto Del Rio, the guy who was fired after slapping a racist coworker, comes back under the management of the most racist character in years. Lol. He was fired in August of 2014. Based on the commentary, you'd think he's been gone for at least 10 years. ADR jumping back to WWE really fucks over AAA and Lucha Underground. Both were built around him and I think he's still the top champ in AAA. Cole claims the ADR/Cena rivalry is one of the "all time great" rivalries in history. Uh. That's a bit much. I get selling this as a big deal, but let us not forget that ADR was a bust and no one gave a shit about him for the prior 2-3 years. When he got fired, he was losing to Dog Ziggler and Sheamus regularly. He was never the big star he was hoped to be, even when pushed all the way to the top and beating top talent. And the crowd that popped big when he came out and were super hot on the pre-show are completely dead about 5 minutes into this, remembering why they didn't care about ADR the last time he was in WWE. ADR seems to switch back and forth to working the leg and back of Cena, so I guess he's no longer worried about the cross arm breaker. ADR wins completely clean with a backstabber and kick to the face. New champion. A completely nondescript and bland as can be match.

TO THE BACK. HHH and Steph talk about how cool that was. Rollins interupts and brags. Then Korporate Kane shows up. HHH sends Kane away.

Roman Reigns vs Bray Wyatt Hell In A Cell

The conclusion (I assume) of a storyline that started at MITB. This match starts fairly slow, with measured bombs from both men. Then Roman just starts chucking Bray around like Bray is a Daniel Bryan sized weenie. Bray dodges rope hang dropkick, leading Roman to have to set it up with Bray on the floor. I don't even know the last time Roman hit that move the first try. Always keeping it fresh. So far, Bray really hasn't had much offense. And then he has a kendo stick OUTTA NOWHERE and lays into Roman.  He sets up a chair and kendo stick in the fencing. Roman gets sent face/neck first through the stick. Bray goes face first into the open chair/legs. That was interesting. Roman gets TWO kendo sticks from under the ring and beats the shit out of Bray with them. Just teeing off. Reigns sets up two tables; one goes into the ring, and one is set up on the floor. As Roman tries to do a suplex off the apron through the table, Bray recovers and hits a massive uranage instead. Bray dominates for the next few minutes until he gets another table out. He attempts a superplex through it. Roman slips out and powerbombs Bray. Each guy has tried a table move, and it has turned against them both. After avoiding Sister Abigail, Roman hits a spear off the apron through a table on the floor. You know, the internet still oscillates between "Roman isn't that bad anymore" and "I can't believe he has a job/people aren't booing him". This, of course, ignores that Roman is the most over guy after John Cena, regularly puts on quality matches, and ALWAYS has the fans on his side by the end of the match. The dude hasn't put on a poor performance all year, especially not on PPV. He gets "this is awesome" chants every PPV and Da God Dave Meltzer rates his work very highly. Why hardcore internet fans still pretend that all the live crowds absolutely hate Roman is beyond me. They need to let that shit go. They're stuck in an echo chamber where they can't comprehend that most people don't give a shit about the backgrounds of your indie faves. I digress. "Take his soul! Take his soul, Wyatt!"  A spear wasn't enough to put Bray away. I think that makes Bray and Brock the only men to kick out of the spear. And a SNAP Sister's Abigail can't put Roman down. Both guys are frustrated and in disbelief. Bray sticks two kendo sticks in the corner, attempting to STAB ROMAN'S EYE OUT with one. Instead, Bray goes eye first into the protruding stick. Spear! Roman wins! A violent affair with hatred and a fitting end for a months long angle. 

Dudley Boyz vs New Day WWE Tag Team Championships


This is like...the 5th time in a month that these two teams have matched up. None of the matches have been particularly interesting, because the Dudleys are still stale as shit. They were stale in 2002 and the only good thing either have done since then was Bully Ray. Xavier Woods is out of commission due to a superbomb through a table on Raw. In tribute to their fallen friend, Kofi will play the bongos on D-Von's head, while Big E will play the bass drum on Bubba's belly. "Like a caucasian Kamala." Without Xavier's shit talk to cover up that you're watching the old and fat Dudleys, this match falls very flat. Bubba inparticular looks completely off his game. They botch a side slam/leg drop combo, which even has Big E screaming "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT" as the fans boo and announcers point out how shitty it looked. There is nostalgia for guys like Sting and Taker. I can't imagine too many people were super excited for the Dudleys to return doing the same thing they were 13 years ago, on a weekly basis again. Maybe as a one off or even for a month, but not multiple months. I certainly am not interested in seeing them. Kofi tries to use the Eddie Guerrero spot to get the Dudley's DQ. But the ref didn't see Bubba use the trombone, so he won't call for the bell. Big E ends up using the trombone for real. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Bubba and gets the win. Title retained. Hopefully this means both teams can move on.

Charlotte vs Nikki Bella WWE Diva's Championship

No seconds for this match. Strictly one on one. The champ seems to have Nikki's number at the start. She focuses on Nikki's leg. Then Nikki BLASTS her with an elbow. God damn. It looks like it busted Charlotte's nose open, both on the bridge and inside. Nikki then is ruthless attacking the back of Charlotte on the floor. The WE WANT SASHA chants start up, but come on. Sasha is dope, there is no doubt. She's probably going to be my wrestler of the year, but these two are putting on a pretty rad and mean match with psychology and a clear story that is being worked perfectly. Nikki has a lot of interesting offense, and everything she does looks mean as fuck. A great mix of power moves, hard submissions, and cunty behavior. "Hey, guys, did you just notice what happened?" "Noooo. I did not." Jerry Lawler, ladies and gentleman. Doesn't even watch the monitors. He also revealed that he didn't know who Sun Tzu was during this match. Shit gets heated with slaps and chops. Nikki misses her flying kick, tweaking her knee on the landing, opening up Charlotte's first chance to get some offense in quite some time. Charlotte goes up top for the moonsault. Nikki catches up to her and attempts a most awkward German suplex, which Charlotte backflips out of it, but goddamn did it look dangerous. Figure 8! Charlotte can't bridge and Nikki reverses before grabbing the ropes. Oh shit, Alabama Slam on the apron! Nikki throws Charlotte back into the ring and goes for the Rack Attack...which is immediately countered into the worst looking figure four and then figure 8 for the win. What a shitty finish. This is the second month in a row where they worked a good match with a story and psychology that was completely negated by the finish.

Last month, it was Nikki working over the leg so Charlotte couldn't do the figure 8...and then Charlotte won with the figure 8 and had no problems applying or holding it. And here, she couldn't bridge due to all the back work in the match, then gets an Alabama Slam on the edge of the apron, and seconds later is now able to bridge. It's clear that Charlotte was very protected on NXT. When you have 2-3 months to work on one match, of course it is going to be good. The week to week grind has exposed Charlotte as still being very green. Nikki is better than her at all aspects, in my opinion. Still, it was a good match if you can get over that nonsense ending. After the match, Paige and Becky come out to celebrate. Paige runs out to make sure she can be the first to congratulate Charlotte. Paige is definitely going to fully turn on them eventually. I think they've teased it long enough and it is time to pull the trigger.

TO THE BACK. Dean congratulates Roman on his big win as they set up aftershow plans. 

Seth Rollins vs Kane WWE Championship


Hopefully Rollins doesn't end another career tonight. Kane actually looks pretty good in the opening minutes of the match. Seth with that...throat based offense. This is dreadfully boring. Someone, anyone, please end the reign of Rollins. He's the worst. And someone didn't learn from the mistake of having a 50 year old do a table spot last month. Except this time, Kane just kind of falls off the table that he was gently placed on. Seth wins clean after two flying knees, two seated superkicks, the frog splash, and pedigree in succession. Title retained. It is too little too late to be giving Rollins clean wins. No one takes him seriously. He can't just all the sudden start beating everyone after 6 months of looking like a joke. His reign has been terrible from all aspects, creative and in ring. Please end it. Your champion shouldn't be having the worst match of the night. And he controlled the pace and was in control for almost the entire match, so it isn't like you can put the blame on Kane being old. It was on Seth being shitty as a top heel and having no idea how to call matches without it devolving into him doing a bunch of top rope moves.

Ryback vs Kevin Owens WWE Intercontinental Championship

Very short. Nothing of note besides Cole saying that KO definitely weighs more than his billed weight. Lol. KO wins clean with the Papa Powerbomb. Title retained.

Brock Lesnar vs Undertaker Hell In A Cell.

"Like a caged animal. In a cage. That's appropriate." Is JBL touched? Undertaker clearly prepared for this match by eating blueberry slushies. This starts out as a striking affair. Hanging, banging, and wanging. Taker avoids a suplex, which sends Brock headfirst to the floor.  While out there, Brock goes headfirst into the ring post (which you can hear the thud of if you listen carefully), which busts him open wide. Hasn't been a dude that bloody in a long time. Of course, the doctor wipes him down. I mean...he was really bloody, and they didn't wipe off all the blood. The top of Brock's head is still covered. But still. Stop the blood on a Raw match at 8:30 PM. Don't stop it at a PPV called Hell In A Cell in a feud that demands blood and violence.  And then Brock blasts Taker in the JAW with a chair. Christ. Taker also gets busted open, apparently on the top of his head. The same chair that opened Taker up was used for his throat jam move, which I don't recall him using in many years. I'm not sure he's used it at all since returning to the Dead Man motif. Taker throws some STIFF elbows to the dome. German suplex! OUTTA NOWHERE. And another. And another. F5. No one is surprised that Taker kicked out. Finishers are completely dead in WWE main events. No one is ever going to buy the first finisher actually ending the match anymore. The doctor returns. Taker won't let him check his cut. Brock shoves him all the way across the ring. Taker kicks out of another F5. Brock gets the steps and blasts Taker in the face. Taker kicks out. Brock's face of disbelief, mixed with his blood and sweat, makes him look like he fell into a bowl of worcestershire sauce. Brock is busted open again when Taker kicks the steps back in his face. Hell's Gate! Brock breaks it with hammerfists and ground and pound. Brock then rips the canvas, removing a second of padding to reveal the boards. He's immediately chokeslammed on it. And tombstoned...near it. Brock kicks out! Taker can't believe it. Paul Heyman can't believe it. The crowd can't believe it. Jerry Lawler can't believe it, but he also doesn't know about Sun fucking Tzu, so who gives a shit what he thinks. Taker calls for the end. Brock hits the loudest low blow I've ever heard. F5 on the boards. Brock wins! Taker acknowledges that Brock is the true phenom and conqueror after the match. 

Taker then struggles to get up in what seems like a "this is the last time you'll see the Undertaker" moment. And then the Wyatt Family come out, attack him, and carry him out to end the show.

Under the limitations of an old as fuck Undertaker and being able to be violent but not TOO violent, Brock/Taker was pretty good. I can't help but feel like they dropped the ball on the overall story of Brock consuming Undertaker's essence to officially become the new phenom of WWE. Besides Paul Heyman's promo the night after Summerslam and a handful of references to Undertaker being an "old/last gunslinger", they kind of left that plot point dangling, which was the entire point of this angle. To blow it off on a B PPV without much thought put into it really lowers the importance of it all. Brock finishing Undertaker the MAN, fully destroying his myth, at Wrestlemania in Texas two years after he started it seems like the perfect and genuinely epic storytelling you'd expect at WM. But they did it at a B PPV with barely any hype. That's pretty odd. Having the Wyatt's come out really immediately killed the "say your goodbyes" stuff after the match. 

Roman and Bray had a pretty dope match. I'm sure it wasn't easy to come up with a match trying to do the same type of violent and gritty story as Taker/Brock, without doing the same stuff. Bray was the first guy in years to actually do unique to the cell offense. Roman will likely end up has my second favorite WWE wrestler of the year, after Sasha Banks. He's been really great all year. Good psychology, great ways of weaving in his signature spots. He's delivered against a wide range of opponents from Bryan to Brock to Big Show to Bray to Harper to Stroman and on and on. 

Fuck Seth Rollins.