WWE Survivor Series 2016
Raw Women vs Smackdown Women
Carmella STILL getting zero reaction is hilarious. Team captain Nikki Bell doesn't make her entrance, because...
TO THE BACK. Nikki was attacked from behind and is not cleared to compete, so Bryan subs team coach Natalya in. This is about as hilarious bad of a backstage segment as you can get. It's amazing.
Pretty weird that Nikki was team captain to begin with, considering the SD women's champion is also on the team. Carmella and Alica Fox begin. Has Alicia won a match in 5 years? Becky and Bayley get tagged in, but Charlotte tags her self in. What a heel. Champion vs champion! And then Sasha tags herself in. Charlotte starts arguing with Sasha and Bayley, and then all hell breaks loose, with all the women in the ring brawling. Now, despite SD looking like the jobber team, Raw's team can't seem to get along very well, so that might come back to haunt them. Nia just running through the entire SD team is great. She's on her Aja Kong shit tonight. The worst thing about Carmella is that every match has the moonwalk, which means JBL has to give Michael Hayes a shout out. Fox eliminates Carmella! That has to be her first PPV win in ages. Bliss immediately eliminates her, evening the score. Naomi gets a lot of shine (no pun intended), busting one of Bayley's ovaries, then hitting a big dive on Nia. Then gets counted out after getting splattered on the floor. This crowd is bugging the shit out of me. Every count the ref does, they say TEN. Fucking Tye Dillinger. Sasha goes on a big run. I'm still confused at why she's a face. She did nothing to turn. It's just like, "Well, the crowds like her, so I guess she's a face", but she's a terrible face. Nattie eliminates her with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. LOL. Crowd didn't know how to react. Mad Sasha was gone so early, but happy Nattie was the one to do it. I have to wonder why they didn't put Nattie in the match to begin with. Surely she deserved the spot more than Carmella, right? Nattie gets to use the sharpshooter, in the first match, much like NXT. Hopefully that means no screw job. Unless you count the big boot Charlotte eliminated her with right after. Down to two, Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss start arguing. Kind of a bad time to start that shit, guys. Luckily, they come together to double team Nia Jax...who is having none of it. She's looked like a monster every time she's been active, and it's awesome. Her double suplex got a holy shit chant. I mean, it was cool, and I enjoy that spot, but a holy shit chant for that? After some awkwardness, Becky makes Nia tap out, making things 2 on 2. Nia attacked her, and Bliss got hit with a big boot while getting Becky out of the ring. Becky is now going it alone against Charlotte and Bayley. I should point out, Bayley hasn't done shit in this match. "First of all, Mauro's not that intelligent." Lol. Best thing JBL has said in years. When Bayley finally tags in, she and Becky have about 2 minutes of an exchange and then she hits the belly to belly to win. Raw wins! Naturally, Charlotte beats the shit out of Bayley, her upcoming opponent, after the match. LOL at her using Bayley's headband to rubber band shoot at the ref.
Outside of a few awkward spots, this was a lot of fun. Everyone got their time to shine, Nia in particular looked like a killer, although I'm not a big fan of the abrupt finish of Bayley going over the SD champ to further a feud with the Raw champ.
TO THE BACK. James Ellsworth is wandering around, soaking it all in. He's met by The Club, who make a barrage of chin puns. As they pick on him, Raw GM Mick Foley tells them to back off. James marks out over all the terrible things that have happened to Mick's body. Mick then makes a random jerk off joke. Mick tries to get Ellsworth to jump to Raw. Then, Braun Strowman shows up. "Don't I know you?" LOL. Dat continuity.
The Miz vs Sami Zayn WWE Intercontinental Championship
If Sami wins this match, the IC title comes to Raw. Sami looks like he's having a bad bulk and is trying to cover it up by pulling his tights up higher. It's not working. Miz's storyline of constantly being mean to Daniel Bryan has been the best thing. When is Sami going to blow out a knee/ankle doing that dive feint thing? So needlessly showy, and as he puts on bulk, he hits it less clean each time. I fear for his ACL. A Maryse distraction allows Miz to hit a chop block, so the rest of the match is focused on Sami's leg. I really don't understand how none of the 4 announcers recognize when Miz is doing Bryan's moves to taunt him. After 3 attempts, Sami finally hits the tope, which was certainly a high risk maneuver considering Miz's reputation for not catching people. Sami gets Miz in the figure four. Maryse rings the bell. Sami thought he won, but the match continued. Roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. Miz wins! Title retained. LOL. Sami stays losing all the damn time. Ya ain't shit, ginger. Solid match.
TO THE BACK. Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles shit talk and start arguing about their TLC match in 2 weeks. Shane McMahon breaks them up. Why does Shane McMahon have bigger arms and more definition than Dean Ambrose?
Raw Tag Teams vs Smackdown Tag Teams
Enzo and Cass cut the most sickeningly pandering bullshit promo you've ever heard before the match. They should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know why Fandango and Tyler Breeze are now cops, but lol at how Fandango has clearly given up, losing all definition in his abs and pulling his pants up higher to hide it. Speaking of Fandango, he's eliminated right away by New Day, after giving out fashion tickets to everyone in the match. And THEN, Kofi is immediately hit with an Uso superkick. New Day is gone! What an upset. Also changes the complexion of the match entirely, because I think everyone was expecting New Day to win or at least be a main focus of the match like usual. Hype Bros get Carmella like heat. AKA: None at all. Fucking dying at Zach Ryder dominating the Bullet Club. I mean, they eliminated him, but still. Heath Slater is the most over dude in this match, which is great. Heath Slater is great at everything he does. Nice to see him finally actually get over. The Shining Stars get a ton of shine in this. Certainly something they desperately needed. SD clearly has the much better set of teams, even with the Hype Bros on the team. American Alpha hit the Steiner Bulldog on Primo. I'm actually getting annoyed with how much AA straight steals from the Steiners without attempting to make it their own at all. This match also has a big stand off ---> brawl spot, which is kind of weird. I assume the main tag will, too. Luckily, this all builds to a Heath Slater stage dive, which he's been practicing in his above ground pool. Oh shit, Chaos Theory to Cesaro! This is followed by a crazy belly to belly tope from American Alpha. Some crazy air on that. The Club eliminates them shortly after. How sad. The only thing The Club should be eliminating is the mayo, on account of them being fat. How you doin'? See, I can come up with shit just as good as whatever the fuck Enzo is saying these days. Rhyno eliminates Festus with a gore. Enzo and Cass then eliminate the SD champs, leaving the Usos as the only guys left for SD. Enzo's gone! So now it's Usos vs Sheamus/Cesaro. Sheamus and Cesaro, the team that only exists because WWE's obsession with 50/50 booking led to a best of 7 series that ended in a draw. Cesaro actually takes the bullet of a double superkick to save his team. God, when Cesaro gets the tag in, he does the spottiest shit. In a match with 20 people, he does more spots in 2 minutes than the rest of the match combined. Not even good looking ones, either. That 619 is TERRIBLE. The running uppercuts are TERRIBLE. Wait a sec. CESARO gets to win with the sharpshooter in Canada, a move he stole from a Hart-in law, but the actual Hart on the card can't win with it? The fuck? After the match, Sheamus finally offers his hand to Cesaro only to too slow him. SWERVE! Raw is up 2-1. This was also a lot of fun, Cesaro picking up the win not withstanding. Cesaro also celebrates with some Bret Hart sunglasses at ringside...does he know teaming with Tyson Kidd for a few months doesn't make him an actual member of the Hart family?
TO THE BACK. Stephanie and Mick Foley celebrate Raw's wins.
Brian Kendrick vs Kalisto WWE Cruiserweight Championship
If Kalisto wins, the entire cruiserweight division moves to SD. Not that it really matters, since they're getting their own show in two days anyway. Who gives a shit what brand the division is on when they have their own show? And why the fuck was Kalisto drafted to the show without the cruiserweight division in the first place? Kalisto starts out with a big flurry of offense and flippy dippies. Spanky slows it down with a pretty dope Saito suplex. I was all about Spanky during the CWC, but what the fuck is up with his terrible gear? Looks like an oil puddle in a Walmart parking lot. Look, no one is looking for a cruiserweight match full of cravats and headlocks. This type of stuff is why the cruiserweights have been so DOA after the CWC. The whole thing about cruiserweights is that they do stuff the rest of the roster can't, but in practice, everyone does dives in every match, and the cruiserweights are having the same matches as everyone else, they're just smaller. It's hard to care about them any more than cards care about random 15 minute matches on Raw, which is not very much. At least they do one big spot: A Spanish Fly off the apron. That's followed by Spanky doing an avalanche saka otoshi, which looked like Kalisto landed on his fucking head. JEEEEEZUS. This match goes on for what feels like a long ass time with no heat, and then Baron Corbin hits the ring to attack both men, causing the match to be thrown out. they should have sent him out 4 minutes earlier.
TO THE BACK. Daniel Bryan confronts Corbin for costing SD the entire division. "The last thing we need is a bunch more little pests running around here." Lol, another guy being mean to Bryan.
Raw vs Smackdown
AJ/Shane/Bray/Orton/Dean against Roman/Seth/Braun/Jericho/KO. God, I can't believe Roman is STILL getting nuclear heat. Jesus Christ, you fucks, get over it. Jericho and KO are super over, because it's Canada, but AJ is so god damn over. Jesus. Seth is wearing a shirt that is half Raw/half his own shirt, and it looks fucking stupid. I'm sure it is supposed to signify that he's still an egomaniac and cares as much about himself as this brand shit, but it looks fucking dumb. This really does feel like a big deal, and I can only imagine how weak these matches would have been if they weren't intra-brand. AJ and KO start. Champion vs champion! AJ feels like he's been in WWE his whole career. It's great. It's so great he made his way there and got treated the way he did. A true once in a generation talent who is working on his 3rd year in a row as wrestler of the year. There's a lot of "guys pair off, tease finishers to show familiarity" type spots early on. LMAO, Shane tags in and immediately potatoes Jericho, who got fucking PISSED. Lol. Don't worry, he got some of his own shots in, including a missile dropkick right to the EYE. This crowd hates Roman so much. It's pretty sad, really. He beats the shit out of Shane, who is already looking like he's on the verge of a heart attack. Roman and Seth are working well as a team. Oh, what a surprise, Dean is in there being terrible. Completely missed his dive. The big stand off spot happens again. SD gets the best of it, it seems. Man, look at the difference between KO and Bray Wyatt. That's the difference between a fat guy and a football player. AJ and Dean get into it again. Shane tries to break them up, but Strowman then eliminates Dean and AJ doesn't even try to break the pin. Man, Braun is the HOSS I've been waiting for. He's WRECKING SD. It's fucking awesome. YES, a showdown with Bray and Braun. Bray still has a power over him. OR DOES HE?!?! Bruan attacks Bray! I'm so into Bruan, brehs. LOL at Orton trying to RKO Braun on the table, and it not breaking. Why the fuck can't Orton break tables? Shane helps him by hitting the Leap of Faith. My man, you're 46. Chill out with that shit. Stroman was about to make it back in the ring, but someone from UNDER the ring grabbed his foot. IT'S JAMES ELLSWORTH! Loooooooooooooooooooooooool. Ellsworth finally got his revenge! Then Braun gets his revenge by throwing James off the stage. THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY, DAMN IT.
We're about to hit a half hour in, with only 2 eliminations. This is gonna go all night, and really, it should, because this is pretty dope. A lot of fun interactions in this. Remember one of those awful Dean/Jericho matches earlier in 2016 where Jericho did the Lionsault and Dean got his knees up, but then they just sat there confused and Jericho called for a small package? That happened again here, and it was just as awkward. Shane ends up as FIP, which is kind of weird. On one hand, it makes sense that the Raw team would beat on the non-wrestler, but having Shane work so much of this match is strange to me. Holy shit, WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens got eliminated for hitting WWE Champion AJ Styles with A CLIPBOARD. Lmao. And Jericho, who was very upset at the state of his list, was immediately eliminated with an RKO OUTTA SOMEWHERE, leaving Roman and Seth representing Raw. I'm for sure down for more Roman/AJ matches. Holy shit at Shane DOMINATING Seth and Roman. That's amazing. Not as amazing was Roman spearing him out of a Coast to Coast attempt, which was fucking BRUTAL. Shane is instantly concussed, Roman gave himself the most gnarly DDT of all time. Brain dead Shane instinctively kicks out, then looks over to his FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW. The ref eliminates him and medical staff comes to check on him. Orton goes over to Shane's kids to tell them their dad is okay. What I THINK happened was the top of Roman's head hit Shane in the chin, then Shane's head bounced off the mat. Whatever it was, he was FUCKED up. What's really weird is that the medical staff just kind of dragged him out of the ring and almost let him fall out of the ring head first. No way Roman didn't get fucked up on that, too. Roman and Seth find themselves on the floor, next to the tables, with Orton. Oh shit. Shield bomb incoming? Oh shit, Dean Ambrose is back. IT'S HAPPENING. Fuck y'all security guards. The Shield rides again! AJ is put through the table. AJ is out!
Wait. Where the fuck did Luke Harper come from? JEEEEZZZUS that superkick to Roman. Seth goes for the frog splash on Bray. RKO. OUTTA NOWHERE! BANG! Roman is the last man left, and boy, is he looking worse for the wear. Can barely walk, face all welted up, probably has a concussion himself. Orton takes a spear for Bray, who hits a disgusting Sister Abigail. Smackdown wins! Holy shit, that was dope. About an hour long, so many character moments and angles progressing during this. A top tier SS match, on par with the 2014 greatness.
Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg
#BigFightFeel. Goldberg is back, brehs. He's really back. And he looks like Goldberg. OMG, the full backstage entrance. The WCW theme. The pyro. You could say...I'M MARKING OUT, BRO. Brock immediately shoots a double and throws Goldberg into the corner. Goldberg shoves him down. Brock laughs. SPEAR! HOLY SHIT. ANOTHER SPEAR. JACKHAMMER! GOLDBERG JUST SQUASHED BROCK LESNAR in 90 seconds! WCW HAS FINALLY WON THE MONDAY NIGHT WAR!
After the match, Goldberg goes to celebrate with his wife and son, the entire reason he came back. Father and son, in tears. The feels.
"With the right sort of inspiration, men can do superhuman things."
For sure, and it's not even close, the best PPV WWE put on in 2016. Maybe even the best since WM 30. What a fun show. The actual SS tags were so dope, especially the main one. Really felt like Survivor Series for the first time in a LONG time. This felt like the 2016 version of the 1987-1990 Survivor Series, which is great. Nothing on this show topped the greatness of DIY/Revival the night before, but this was definitely a better over all show than Takeover. The Goldberg squash was incredible. What a great moment. Goldberg comes back because he wants to be a super hero for his wife and son, who had never seen him perform, and he comes back and demolishes Brock Lesnar like his name was Jerry Flynn. Amazing. Probably going to be the moment of the year. WCW WON!
This show had what has been missing from WWE for years: Character moments and FUN. All of the SS matches had tons of moments where everyone got to shine, storylines were progressed for each show, fans got to cheer and boo both sides so there was never any down time and you could, in theory, have a FIP or hot tag segment for EVERY SEGMENT of the match, from either side. Then you had Goldberg becoming the undisputed most powerful wrestler of all time in WWE canon, which is awesome. WCW finally won. But what this really means is that Bret Hart is truly cemented as the GOAT, as he has FOUR wins over the most powerful wrestler of all time in WWE canon. #ExcellenceofExecution.