WWE Royal Rumble 2016

TO THE BACK. The McMahons arrive in their limo. Jojo catches up with them. Vince bends down to be on her level, because JoJo is about 4 feet tall even with heels. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens WWE Intercontinental Championship Last Man Standing

I already feel like this feud has run its course, so hopefully this is the blow off and both guys get something new to do heading into WM. I feel like I've seen this match six times in the past 2 months. JBL has a cold tonight, so hopefully he'll talk less. After getting hit with a dive, KO flies over the table and continues his streak of fucking with Michael Cole. I think he broke the dude's glasses. KO does a cannonball through the time keeper's area and controls from that point on. I don't really see much of a point in these kind of matches when you can't really get violent. Most of these spots are just normal, average hardcore match spots that you can see on Raw or Smackdown. LOL holy shit the rebound lariat is now called THE WACKY LINE. Jesus Christ. Also LOL is Cole and JBL giving out The Revenant spoilers. Please, someone tell me why the fuck Dean Ambrose is doing the Tenryu combo to a CHAIR that is wrapped around KO's head. Why would that hurt KO at all? That could break Dean's hand. That might be the dumbest spot I've seen in 2-3 years. What the fuck. This match is set up for someone to take a big bump every two minutes on a convienetly placed table or set of chairs. Dean wins after shoving KO off the top rope through stacked tables on the floor. Title retained. Match was really dumb. Good thing it had big spectacle spots to make the fans think they were seeing something special. They didn't, but dudes destroying themselves will make you think you saw something special.

The New Day vs The Usos WWE Tag Team Championships

I can't even write up the New Day pre-match promo. It has to be seen to be believed. Will the Usos ever be in sync for their haka? Fans are solidly behind New Day here, booing the Usos. Because...The Rock or something. The Rock isn't even actually blood related to Roman/Usos/Tamina. Get that shit outta here. On the pre-show, Booker was happy Byron wasn't there, saying it was "back to the suburbs" for him. And now, even JBL is talking about Byron being a cornball brother. Poor guy can't catch a break. New Day are firmly in control. There is a pretty neat spot of Uce and Kofi both going for kicks, getting tangled, and Kofi turning it into a take down. Shout out to Xavier for dropping Mortal Kombat The Movie lines in the middle of the match. Lol, random suck it sign from Jimmy. Cool finish of Uce going for the Superfly Splash, only for Big E to pop up and catch him with the Big Ending OUTTA NOWHERE. Titles retained. It was fine, I guess. Felt like it went on for 20 minutes. Fans were not interested in the Usos getting any offense at all. They didn't even pop for their dives. 

TO THE ETHER. The Wyatt Family reveals that they are the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. 

Alberto Del Rio vs Kalisto WWE US Championship

So, let's get this straight. Kalisto wins the title from ADR on Raw in a big upset. He immediately drops it back to ADR on the next Smackdown. And now they're having another title match. Three in about..four weeks? I'm cool with Kalisto's push and all, but god damn. Spread shit out a bit. The US Championship already is back to being a meaningless midcard title that people trade back and forth. Cena spent a whole year building that title up and it dies the second ADR gets a hold of it. Just like my interest. JBL reveals that he's an atheist during this match when David and Golliath is mentioned. Straight up calling the Bible stupid fairy tales. How can a guy so full of Mexican bull test be so fucking boring? At least with a guy like Ambrose, you can shit on him for how genuinely bad he is in the ring. With ADR, he's technically fine, but just so bland. ADR has less in ring charisma than Brad Armstrong. ADR's kick has been totally nerfed. It put Cena away (and out for 2 months), but can't put away Kalisto? Not only that, but Kalisto is flying around about a minute later? ADR is loud as fuck. Christ. You don't literally have to yell out your spots. Everyone in the lower bowl could hear you, dude. And then cameras just zoom in on him calling spots. Oh wow, I think Kalisto just Daniel Bryan'd himself. He tried to do a Yoshi Tonic off of ADR's back, slipped and landed directly on his head. Jesus Christ that was gross. No way that doesn't end up fucking him up. ADR controls most of the match, Kalisto botches most of his offense. ADR takes a turnbuckle pad off, only to get sent into it face first. Kalisto wins with the Solina Del Sol. New champion. Again. This title has now changed hands three times in a month. What was the fucking point? Why didn't they just have Kalisto stay the champ? Get ready for Kalisto to vacate the title due to Danny Bryan Syndrome.

TO THE PANEL. I'm so sad that Booker pops so hard for King's awful, awful jokes. I should point out that King seemed to imply that Becky Lynch's dad abused/molested her as a kid on the pre-show. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it came off that way and it was super weird.

TO THE BACK. Stephanie is having fun on her phone when Paul Heyman comes in to talk about her pores. Paul also has his phone out. Make sure the logos are in the shot, guys. Stephanie will negotiate anything about the WM main event as long as Brock takes out Roman tonight.

Charlotte vs Becky Lynch WWE Diva's Championship

This is really the only match on the undercard that has a real story and build to it. Dean/KO has been "You took my title and I'm mad" stretched out for 2 months. New Day/Usos already feels like a 9 year feud. ADR/Kalisto is just random matches for the sake of random matches. This actually has months of build and character work/progression. There is some awkward chain wrestling to start, which I blame on Charlotte doing shit like trying a go behind while three feet away from Becky. On the floor, Ric forces himself on Becky. Cole and Byron are disgusted with it. JBL was basically like "he's been forcing himself on women for decades, what do you expect?". Lots of counters and reversals, playing into the story that they were best friends and training partners, so they're very familiar with each other. The crowd is behind Becky, being very hot for all of the teases and near falls. Oh my god, Ric's way of breaking up the Disarmher is by gently tossing his jacket on Becky's face. Holy shit is that hilarious. This distraction was enough to allow Charlotte to hit a spear and get the win. Title retained. After the match, Sasha Banks came out and made her intentions of coming for the title clear. 

Royal Rumble

For the first time ever, the WWE Championship will be defended in the Rumble. Roman starts at 1, while Rusev enters at 2.  Sadly, Rusev is quickly eliminated. Before the 3rd person even comes out. And that 3rd person? AJ STYLES! To a massive, massive pop. Really couldn't be a better place for him to debut than in Orlando. And boy does he take his time making it to the ring, soaking all this up. AJ immediately teases the Styles Clash. Tyler Breeze enters and is hit with the AJ strike combo, then eliminated by AJ and Roman. It's CURTIS AXEL! He's been in the rumble for over a year! AJ quickly eliminates him. Chris Jericho enters at 6 to a massive pop. What the fuck. Why are they popping so much for him? AJ is about the same size as Jericho, but Jericho is like...60 pounds more of Dad Bod. THE DAMON KANE HAS RETURNED! Goldust enters and the ring is starting to fill up. Seems ripe for a monster to come in and eliminate everyone. For some reason, no one seems to be gunning for Roman, despite it being in the best interest of EVERYONE IN THE MATCH to eliminate him. That's kind of like...the whole point of this Rumble, but they seemed to give up on it and it isn't even 10 guys in. Ryback enters at 9. It actually seems like everyone is going after AJ instead of Roman. Very odd booking here. Kofi enters on behalf of the New Day. Is this one of those weird "Only one member from a team" can enter things this year?  Titus is in at 11 and things have slowed down considerably. Truth comes in at 12 and immediately gets a ladder. Because he thinks it is MITB. This gimmick is already past its expiration date. Then he's immediately eliminated. Kofi's save spot this year is landing on Big E's shoulders. And then he just stays up there, taking a break. Luke Harper is the first member of the Wyatt Family to enter. The League of Nations (directed by Vince McMahon) come out to assault Roman. Rusev does Umaga's running table dive, celebrating by hugging Vince. Lol. Then he steals one of the monitors. LOL. Rusev is the best.

Big Show is the half way point, and as he enters, Roman is being tended to by EMTs. Instead of throwing Roman in the ring and then over the top rope, the Leeg just left him out there on the floor. Neville comes in and probably has had the most spots of anyone so far. He takes out the whole ring. STROMAN! He quickly, and easily, eliminates both Kane and Big Show. Kevin Owens limps out (and convienetly drops that as soon as he hits the ring) and immediately starts brawling with AJ. Then Neville gets involved. INDIE WRESTLING. Owens eliminates AJ, who lasted about 28 minutes in his WWE debut. Not bad. Oh goodie, Dean Ambrose returns. Dean Ambrose tries to be the weird child conceived in a sake bar with Terry Funk and Atsushi Onita, but without any of their good qualities. God damn did the Shield breakup expose him. Oh my, it's SAMI ZAYN! He's out for revenge on KO! And he gets it by eliminating Owens. Rowan enters. Seems like this is getting time for Brock. NOPE. Mark Henry is who you get. All your indie favs are eliminated. And NOW you get Brock at 23. Jesus CHRIST he lays Stroman the fuck out. That's what you get for not selling his clothelines. Holy fuck. That might have been the most violent thing I've seen in WWE in years. Swagger is in, F5'd, and tossed. Lol. He and Henry won a match on the pre-show to get into the Rumble. Both were thrown out in 15 seconds. Fucking lol, Brock starts throwing TIGER KNEES at Stroman. Stiff as fuck, too. Miz enters and heads to the announce table. "Keep looking at me like that, I'll turn Suplex City into Mizney World!" Brock just chucking Harper around like he ain't shit. Well fuck me, ADR is back. Losers shouldn't be allowed to enter the Rumble. Oh hey, Chris Jericho is STILL IN THIS. So is Roman, even though he's been in the back for a half hour. Strange booking. Brock has now eliminated the Wyatt Family. Convient since Bray enters next. Then the Wyatts come back and eliminate Brock. And then Brock just...leaves. No rampage. He just goes to the back. Bizarre. Miz finally enters after Brock is out. In comes Dog Ziggler. Cunt. Sheamus is 29, and Roman returns at the same time. In at 30 is...TRIPLE H! MY GOD! Fucking LOL at the immediate pedigree to Ziggler. Thank god Dean Ambrose eliminated Jericho. Jericho was in for 50 fucking minutes. Fuck. The final four comes down to Sheamus, Ambrose, HHH, and Roman. Roman eliminates Sheamus...and HHH eliminates Roman! RAPID FIRE CROTCH CHOPS! HHH eliminates Ambrose. HHH is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!

Undercard was weak as fuck. The Rumble, despite it's complete lack of thematic booking to match the entire build up of the thing, was pretty interesting. AJ debuting was cool, and he seemed to be setting up an angle with Kevin Owens, who also has an angle with Sami. Jericho vs Dean will probably happen at Fastlane or WM and sounds horrific. HHH winning was the logical and correct choice. Anyone who doesn't understand that is an idiot. The booking did no wonders for Roman, though. Spending half the match not even in the ring doesn't really make him look like a tough guy when he comes back out and still loses.

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