WWE Money In The Bank 2016
Enzo & Cass vs New Day vs The Club vs The Vaudvillains WWE Tag Team Championships
I don't even know how the Vaudvillains are in this. They lost their title match, then lost a rematch, and they've lost to Enzo/Cass. Festus continues to have the worst look in the business. Due to New Day and Enzo/Cass both getting promos before the match, it's nearly 15 minutes into the show before any in ring action. Xavier does have a pretty dope Chewbacca impression, though. Xavier name drops THE ELITE as a shot at Gallows and Anderson. I mean...The Elite are the X-Factor of the Bullet Club. They're even worse than Gallows and Anderson. Still laughing that people thought The Bullet Club were going to show up in WWE and run shit, and they're in opening matches with the Vaudvillains and getting punked out by Enzo Amore. Fuck the Bullet Club. Fuck Gallows. Fuck Anderson. Fuck the Young Bucks. Fuck Kenny Omega. All trash. For a 4 way tag, there really isn't much action. And it is very disjointed. Like 3 different matches going on at once. And at times it seems more like an 8 man tag instead of 4 way. I guess they were saving it all for Cass' hot tag. Everything from that point on is just a fucking mess. Everyone fucking up everything. New Day hit their finisher on Anderson, but pin English, who was still down from The Club's finisher. What a mess. Titles retained.
TO THE TO TOM. Tom Phillips speaks with KO. He talks about beating Cena last year at MITB. Then Jericho shows up with his stupid fucking scarf and awful tats. They argue and then Del Rio shows up. Why is ADR's English better in shoot promos than on screen? This...was actually kind of funny.
Baron Corbin vs Dolph Ziggler
FUCK. This is their 6th televised match since the Raw after WM. That was April 4th. 6 matches by June 20th. Fuck. Corbin is already dead in the water being stuck with Ziggler for 2 months. It does Corbin zero favors to have so much trouble with Ziggler even when he wins, but then again, he lost to 3 feet tall Austin Aries two nights before his call up. Corbin kicked out of whatever is Ziggler's finisher these days and won pretty decisively with the End of Days, so hopefully he can finally exit purgatory.
TO THE BACK. Seth Rollins prepares for his return to the ring.
Charlotte/Dana Brooke vs Natalya/Becky Lynch
Fans chant for Sasha. I'm sure that makes the talent in the ring feel so great. Wow. Becky/Charlotte do the Hart Attack, the Hart Foundation is mentioned, Bret is mentioned...and no one says a word about Nattie's actual god damn father. Brutal. Nattie's strikes in this look so fucking bad. Everything is missing by a mile. Charlotte also looks pretty bad in this. Get this, Nattie locks in the sharpshooter, and for the first time in the history of WWE, JBL calls it as the sasori gatame and brings up Riki Choshu. The fuck? That was random as shit. Anyway Dana throws Becky into Nattie. Charlotte then hits Natural Selection to get the win. Nattie turned on Becky after the match, but was crying as she walked out.
TO THE TOM. Tom speaks with Dean Ambrose, who literally looks like a fucking bum.
Sheamus vs Apollo Crews
Man, Crews has been such a failure. Straight up Sin Cara 1/Kharma/Hideo Itami levels. When you're an indie star and can't even get NXT crowds to give a shit, you're a dud. These guys dislike each other so much that they open the match with headlock takeovers. I'd like a Sheamus/Corbin team who do nothing but fuck up indie dudes. This match is boring as shit. Why is a brawler vs power/high flyer match full of rest holds and dead spots? And why is Crews so bad at calling spots? I think I've heard him calling spots in every match of his that I've seen. Crews kicks out of an avalanche White Noise, so I hope Sheamus never tries to win with the regular version of that again. And immediately after kicking out, Crews wins with a roll up. Terrible finish.
TO THE BACK. Roman prepares to defend his title.
John Cena vs AJ Styles
The face of TNA against the face of WWE. Who would have thought this would ever happen? Holy shit the promo video for this was HYPE. Best pre-match vid in many years. Lmao, one lone streamer made it to the ring. Crowd is hyped. Cena is hyped. AJ is hyped. I'm hyped. This should be dope. Cena's spot calling is even louder than Crews'. AJ starts the match showing that he's faster and a better wrestler. God damn, AJ does cocky undersized flying heel so much better than Seth. AJ is not only faster and a better wrestler, he's also a better striker and character. John can't get any sustained offense on AJ, because AJ is just running around dodging shit, and Cena can't get a fix on his position. "Is this all he's got? Is this all he's got? Sheeeeit." Lol. AJ has an answer for everything. AJ is fucking great, but I highly question a spot of completely missing a dive to the floor. That's a way to blow out a knee. Of course, both the FU and Styles Clash are kicked out of, but in this case, neither are really finishers anymore and this is the match with a scope that allows for a finisher kick out anyway. There is a ref bump, which allows for Da Club to hit the Magic Killer on Cena. AJ wins! AJ Styles has pinned John Cena! Great match. Cena was a little rusty, and he was calling his spots way too loud, but part of that falls on production who should be aware he does that and not keep using the audio right by his fucking head. Especially since it was happening in other matches on the show as well. Cena was a bit rusty, but this was very good. I don't think AJ could have been put over more. The pre-match video had Cena repeatedly saying AJ was better than him, then they directly compared the match to Rock/Cena, and AJ showed Cena up the entire match. Even with the interference finish, AJ was pushed into orbit with this match.
Chris Jericho vs Sami Zayn vs Kevin Owens vs Alberto Del Rio vs Cesaro vs Dean Ambrose Money In The Bank
What a flabby and sick looking MITB class, especially since half of these dudes were in a big multi man ladder match at WM. No idea why they brought back the WM ladder match when they have MITB and a TLC PPV. Also dumb when four of the six dudes in the match are still pretty fresh off of injuries. You know what's also probably bad for injuries? When Sami dives on 3 people, and none of them try to catch him. Jericho and Cesaro have a sequence in the ring that was just terrible. Flubs every where. Cesaro does his uppercut train, which is fucking dumb. Why does no one get out of the way? Why does he expend so much energy? If no one stops him, he'll do it the whole match. He might never stop. And worst of all, he starts it with a "I know this is stupid, but why not" face. KO follows it with doing the same thing with cannon balls. And then Sami does it with Helluva kicks. Dumb. This whole match. Cesaro COMPLETELY no sells a cross arm breaker with the ladder as leverage so he can hit his M. Bison twisty elbow. Literally did not sell it for a second. What the fuck, KO takes a Michinoku Driver on a ladder tipped on its side. Why does this dude not want to be able to play with his children? You leave the indies to not have to keep taking all these ridiculous bumps, yet KO has tried to paralyze himself in every big gimmick match he's been in in WWE. Dean Ambrose wins. These matches are so fucking dumb and dangerous. And Dean Ambrose? Fuck.
TO THE PANEL. Cory Graves is wearing a trilby. He looks like an asshole. Lita talking about all the "false finishes" in AJ/Cena.
Rusev vs Titus O'Neil WWE US Championship
Titus' sons are at ringside. He kisses the oldest one on the lips, which was a little weird. The first spot of the match is a HOSS collision on the floor. Titus seems like a good dude, but he's not a singles wrestler. Rusev wins in a pretty short match. After the match, Rusev goes out to talk to Titus' kids. "You see that? Your father is a loser. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!"
Seth Rollins vs Roman Reigns WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Seth's big return after his torn MCL, ACL, and meniscus. The thing that struck me most on his recovery doc was that he was terrified to do the knee bump for the pedigree. Why not just...change your finish to something that doesn't involve you jumping in the air and landing directly on your knees? He had like 8 months to come up with something else. The battle of swarthy bearded men with wet hair. Boy, this heated feud that has been going on for 2 years, where Roman has never really been able to get his hands on Seth, and Seth is coming back for his title starts out with...chain wrestling. Not only is that completely inconsistent with the story, but also is clearly filler for a match that is probably going to go on longer than it should. Crowd was loud for the entrances, but seems to be worn out. For some reason, this match didn't start until about 3 hours in. Like...after the point where most PPVs end is when the main event started. And it seems to be paced very slowly. Even weirder, the structure of the match has Roman as a bruising heel and Seth as the underdog face. This is very boring. No idea why neither dude has any fire in this. Why is Seth doing the sunset flip bomb again? And why is he still allowed to do the buckle bomb after killing Sting? After 15 minutes of absolutely boring filler, they go into the MOVEZ spam. Roman spears the guard rail. Then there is a ref bump. Roman hits the spear and Seth kicks out. At least there was a slight reason for Seth to kick out, although the count was made probably 3 seconds after the pin. Seth catches a spear with a pedigree, which was pretty neat, but also was kicked out of. Rollins then hits another pedigree and wins clean in the center of the ring. New champion. Dean Ambrose's music hits. He attacks from behind.
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Dean is cashing in. Dean fucking Ambrose is WWE champion. What the fuck. What has happened to this company?
Garbage show besides AJ/Cena. Roman/Rollins had no fire, no intensity. Just an ordinary Raw main event. Then Dean Ambrose ends the show as champion. I can't think of a worse way to end it. Now, the booking for the leap up to a Shield triple threat makes perfect sense. I'm not complaining about that. I'm complaining about how Seth sucks and Dean is absolute dog shit. Can't wait for the Ambrose/Gallows Raw main event soon. I'm not sure there is a worse match WWE could produce right now.
To make up for the show, here is a gif of Shaq from a Gold Bond commercial that aired twice during the PPV.