UWF Beach Brawl 1991
Not to be confused with Mid South (or the various Japan promotions with the same name), this UWF was a short lived promotion out of California started by Herb Abrams. He started the company in 1990, using the UWF name because Bill Watts (and JCP after it) never trademarked it. They aired on the national version of SportsChannel, which was a regional sports network, for 3 years. The Philadelphia version of the channel ran ECW from 1993-1997, so it seems like they were happy to have shitty wrestling filling up their programming. In 1991, Herb decided he'd somehow be able to run a PPV since the UWF had many former WWF, WCW, AWA, and NWA stars in between runs or at the tail end of their careers. It was basically the last gasp of someone trying to make a national promotion to compete with WCW and WWF, and unlike ECW, it was intended to be national from the start. Obviously it didn't work.
The show starts with a run down of the wrestlers appearing, followed by short promos from Bam Bam Big Yellow and Steve Williams, who will be facing each other to crown the first UWF TV Championship
TO THE HERB. Herb Abrams himself presents the new UWF SportsChannel Championship belt.
Bruno Sammartino and Craig DeGeorge will be calling the action.
TO THE FRANK. Bam Bam cuts a rambling promo, stating that he has a lot of mobility, yobility, and hobility. Elsewhere, Frank spoke with Dr. Death. Both dudes already cut promos. Why are they doing more? It's nearly 11 minutes into this PPV without any action.
The Black Hearts vs Fire Cat/Jim Cooper
Luna is the manager of the Black Hearts, one of which is Gangrel. Fire Cat is best known for being (the original) Battle Kat in a short lived WWF run, then was a ref in WCW who died in a car wreck driving home from a TV taping. WCW only gave him 2 tolls of the bell for his death announcement. The ref for the match is future WCW official Scott Dickinson. I can't believe this was on PPV. It's so low rent. The ring looks like it could fall apart at any second. I can't tell which Black Heart is Gangrel, because both dudes are masked, shitty, and the same size. Jim Cooper looks like the blacksmith from Army of Darkness. A nice rana straight out of Fire Pro from Battle Kat. This is not good. Battle Kat is the only dude who even looks like he knows how to bump. The Black Hearts win with a terrible looking veg-o-matic. Luna cut a promo about beating everyone after the match.
Terry Gordy vs Johnny Ace Street Fight
Referee Billy Silverman! People Power! Johnny's mullet is out of control. I wonder what the issue is that made this a street fight. There were an awful lot of headlocks for it to be a heated feud. Johnny kicks out of a powerbomb. Johnny fired up, then tried a dive and smacked his head on the floor. After that, the two brawled around the arena (in the dark) and both were counted out. In a match where the ring announcer explicitly said there were no DQs or rules. And it was only about 6 minutes.
Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
Mask Confusion are the Killer Bees, but were also labeled as "Mass Confusion" at the start of the show. The Power Twins are "hosses". I mean, massive by today's standards. Fat dudes by 1991 standards. The most memorable thing about the Power Twins is how often they hug. Very boring match. Despite the size difference, the Bees control large chunks of the match. The Bees use their mask gimmick to steal the win. At just under 12 and 1/2 minutes, this is by far the longest match on the show.
Candi Devine vs Rockin' Robin UWF Women's Championship
Candi attacks before the bell. This is absolutely horrendous. Really shows you how far women's wrestling has come in the United States, because holy shit this is horrific. Robin won with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE. New champion.
Col. DeBeers vs Paul Orndorff Strap Match
This match at least has a recap video of why the gimmick is involved. You see, Col. DeBeers is a South African, and as such had serious issues with a black ref, then eventually would beat a black wrestler with a belt. And for some reason, Paul Orndorff is the one to put him in his place. LMAO, Orndorff comes out to "Can't Touch This". This is a weird strap match, considering they are never connected and the "strap" appears to just be a belt. Orndorff wins with a piledriver...on the strap. For that multiplier damage. Racism has been defeated! After the match, DeBeers uses a stun gun on Orndorff's neck. Racism is back! Craig informs us that it is a device that ladies use for self defense.
TO THE CAPTAIN'S CORNER. Captain Lou Albano comes to the ring for his talk show segment. His guests are the Blackhearts and Luna. Lou doesn't like them or Luna's snake. He then throws the mic down and walks out. Of his own segment. What a waste of time.
Ivan Koloff vs Bob Backlund
In theory, this is kind of a big deal. The man who beat Bruno against the man who replaced Bruno. Backlund hadn't had a match in America in 6 years at this point. Ivan was old as shit, though. I mean, he seemed old as shit even in the mid 80s. BACKLUND LIFT! Bob wins very quickly with a O'Connor roll with a bridge. Super short, but easily the most enjoyable part of this show so far. Cap. Lou returns after the match to deck Ivan's manager, Mr. Red. Then ripped Red's pants off for some reason.
Cactus Jack/Bob Orton Jr. vs Steve Ray/Sunny Beach
John Tolos is the manager for Cactus/Orton. He's better known as Coach, Mr. Perfect's short lived manager after Bobby Heenan. Due to constant interference, he'll be in a shark cage for this match. Steve and Sunny are also known as "Wet and Wild" and are a surfer variant of the pretty boy heartthrob team, but ugly and out of shape. So RNR after the year 2000, with surfboards. Cactus does the Cactus Elbow from the second rope. I'm sure that was well thought out. These surfer dudes are garbage. REF BUMP. Coach throws down brass knux. Orton accidentally hits Cactus, who gets pinned. This show is so lol. Cactus and Bob brawl around ringside after the match. Mick did a huge blade job that you could barely even see due to the awful lighting.
Steve Williams vs Bam Bam Bigelow UWF SportsChannel Championship
HOSS match. I would say odds are high that this match will be super short with little to no effort from either guy. Just going by the rest of the show. Herb Abrams comes out to present the title, but Bam Bam tries to throw him out of the ring. Doc is busted open with punches almost immediately. He comes back with a lariat and tries to bloody Bam Bam up in the same spot. It appears to have worked. Doc wins with a powerslam in a short match with minimal effort from either man. I guess they thought double juice would make up for that. It didn't. Herb issues an open challenge to any champion of any federation in the world to compete with Dr. Death.
Terrible, terrible show. When match of the night is a 2 minute match (Backlund/Koloff), you know you fucked up. Hard to figure out how this made it to PPV, how anyone thought it could or should be on PPV, or how anyone found out about considering how small SportsChannel was. And as it turns out, no one did, as the show got a tremendous .10 buyrate and basically bankrupted the company. It ran a handful of TV tapings and then had a live cable special in 1994 before closing. Most deservedly, because this was 1000% dog shit. In some ways, this is kind of a proto-TNA, where established stars went after getting fired or quitting real companies to get paid to put in the least amount of effort possible.