NWA TNA Weekly PPV Episode 3 7/3/02


Big episode. First title defenses for the X and NWA Championships, plus a one night tournament to crown new NWA Tag Team Championships. Oh, and a main event with 4 ex WWF dudes. NWA president Jim Wilson is with us, hyping up a surprise talent from Japan that will debut tonight. He also presents Mike Tenay a trophy for...nothing at all. Just a trophy. This guy certainly looks like someone you'd expect to be running the NWA in 2002. Oh, the special Japanese talent won't be here tonight. He'll be facing the winner of Shamrock/Malice tonight. This dude should not have a mice. He stumbled over "National Wrestling Alliance" 4 times. The talent is Takao Omori, btw.


Chris Harris/James Storm vs The Johnsons NWA Tag Team Championship Tournament

The Johnsons are dicks. Literally. They are dressed as dicks. Richard and Rod Johnson. Dick and Rod Johnson. Last week, pre-AMW defeated gay dudes. Now they're fighting dicks. The Dicks are so bad. Wow. Just awful. Plus they are WRESTLING PENISES. Why won't Don call their moves "Johnson blasts"?  I will never believe that Vince Russo was not involved in TNA from the start. Cheex, wrestling dicks, midgets, lingerie battles and women getting called whores by the face announcer, a gay team which the face announcer reacts to violently. The Dicks are dangerously sloppy, nearly injuring Storm multiple times. Ferarra makes terrible jokes the whole match, not even paying attention. Just getting his shit in. AMW get the win and advance. The Dicks apparently break up with their manager, Mortimer Plumtree. 


JB brings Scott Hall to the ring. Jeff Hall interrupts before Hall can get anything out besides "Hey yo". "HEY YO MY ASS!" Jeff says "ass" and "bitch". Because this is PPV and TNA! Jeff goes to the ring, only to be stopped by the NWA president. Jeff backs off, only for K-Krush to attack Hall from behind. Hall beats him up, so now both of the heels in the main event look bitch made. Lol. Also, the lights went out twice during this.


TO THE BACK. AMW have been attacked in the locker room. Blood is everywhere.


Anthony Ingram vs Monty Brown

Monty Brown has what would be Abyss' music, but with lyrics. Weird. He also has cornrows. He wins in a complete squash with the Alpha Bomb, which is a fall away slam into a powerbomb that kind of looks shitty unless done to a tiny guy.


TO THE GOLDYLOCKS. Goldy speaks with NWA security looking for Jim Miller. She can't find him anywhere. The Hot Shots walk by and also don't know where he is. Then Puppet the psycho dwarf interrupts, threatening to beat up every midget in pop culture. "I am not leaving tonight until I beat some midget ass." 


Rainbow Express vs Buff Bagwell/Apolo NWA Tag Team Championship Tournament

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Before the match, Buff was a complete shithead to Goldylocks for no reason. He also was a dick to his partner. How nice of the camera man to focus on a Judy Bagwell sign. Don is immediately disgusted with Kwee Wee and Lenny hugging. Please try to hide your disgust, DW. Ryan Shamrock returns, presumably to extort more money out of JB. This week, she gets money from Ed Ferarra. Is she a madam? Is that the angle going on here? This is terrible. Rainbow Express control most of the match, doing a bunch of gay stuff for heat, which is just the cheapest shit imaginable to me. Even by Goldust, this was embarrassing shit. This is now 7 years later and it's just sad. It would be different if Lenny and Kwee Wee weren't garbage. It's not like they were putting good matches like Billy and Chuck. And by the way, I think it is hilarious/weird that they're pretending Kwee Wee is Lodi. The announcers reference the Rainbow Express as a tag team in WCW, but that was Lodi, not Kwee Wee. I don't even think Lenny was still with WCW when Kwee Wee made it to TV. In the very little ring time Buff has, he botches everything. At least he did the job. Buff starts talking to himself after the match. Ed gives him a mic. Buff's name is MARCUS. He doesn't want to be called Buff anymore. He had a broken neck that he came back from that no one gave a SHIT about. "I'm a 6 time world tag team champion, and I just got beat by two GAY GUYS." Lol, he's already quitting the promotion. It's the 3rd week and we've already got a worked shoot walk out. Tenay then shits on him as he walks out while the fans laugh at him. "In fact, Mike, I'm just gonna say it. He pretty much sucked tonight." Lol. LOOOOL. 


JB brings out Ken Shamrock. At least he's wearing shoes this week. He's here to shit on Monty Brown for challenging him. Then he shits on Malice and Omori. He sounds annoyed that he has to defend his title. Weird reaction for a face champion. The lights go out. James Mitchell is somewhere up in the stands. The lights come up with Malice standing over a downed Shamrock. EMTs tend to Ken, putting him in a neckbrace. You don't even know what happened to him, guys. 


TO THE BACK. Goldilocks tries to get some scoops on AMW. Jerry Lynn is trying to weasel his way into the tag tournament. He and Goldy are both blown off.


Puppet vs Todd Stone

Midgets. Midgets. Midgets. Midgets. Midgets. How many times can they say midgets on this show? Puppet has what really looks like a swastika necklace. This is the worst. The WORST. Don West thinks midgets hitting each other with weapons is as funny as the Rainbow Express are disgusting. Puppet wins with a TKO on a trashcan. Get this shit out of here. Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets Midgets.


TO THE BACK. Goldylocks attempts to get an update on Ken Shamrock. They can't tell him anything. Goldylocks is terrible at her job. She can't get anyone to talk to her about anything.


Francine vs Taylor Vaughn

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I thought Truth and Bryan Christopher had bad music. Francine's GIRL GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLLLLLLLLLLS intro is the worst thing I've ever heard. Francine attacks before the bell, continuing to whip Taylor as she did last week. Why is Francine wrestling? She's not a wrestler. Taylor then uses the belt, so I guess this is kind of a strap match now. She hit the ref. Disqualify her. Good, he disqualified her. Ed Ferarra goes to check up on Francine again. What part of her is he going to grab this week? She puts his hand on her tit. Then slaps him. And whips him. What. What the fuck.


TO THE JB. He brings Hermie Sadler out to the ramp. He drives cars. K-Krush interupts. He don't want to hear about no damn NASCAR. Hermie spears him. Lol. The 5 feet tall NASCAR driver just completely punked out the wrestler. They're going to have a match next week. Truth has been punked out twice tonight. So far.


Malice vs Ken Shamrock NWA Championship

Why isn't this the main event? This is half way through the show. The first NWA Championship title defense on your show should be a big deal. Why wasn't the Wall in this kind of shape in WCW? Wall focuses on the already injured neck from the start and sticks to it. Son of a bitch, someone using psychology on this show? The story of the match is Wall working the neck while Ken tries flash submissions that he can't hold on to due to being weakened. And then he wins with a belly to belly OUTTA NOWHERE. I appreciate someone trying to tell a story in this shitbox of a company, but that doesn't mean the match was interesting at all. Title retained.


David Young vs AJ Styles NWA TNA X-Division Championship

AJ's Born In The USA knock off is hilariously awful. I don't know what made Young the first challenger. It probably should have been Jerry Lynn or Low Ki, no? AJ fucks up a dive, smashing his back on the apron. AJ's apparently been doing the "caught while trying to do a springboard move" spot his whole career. Still looks cool. This is a very sloppy match, with lots of communication issues from both, but AJ is such a freak athlete that he keeps it together even when he messes up. Fucking LOL at the giant hand print on Young's leg from him slapping himself on his kicks. AJ kicks out a gnarly spinebuster and wins with an avalanche Styles Clash, which Tenay calls as a "tarantula dropped into a pedigree". Title retained. Bobcat again celebrates like this whole thing is about her. Don West fucking hates her.   He's really about 3 seconds away from calling her a cunt.
 


TO THE GOLDY. Rainbow Express give her hair tips. Gertner then hits on her, by saying his sex toys get confiscated at airports. That doesn't seem like a great come on line, Joel. 


Rainbow Express vs Jerry Lynn/AJ Styles NWA Tag Team Championships

Fucking Jerry really did weasel his way into the match. It seems likely that he's the one who attacked AMW in the back. Is it really a coincidence that they get hurt, then he's standing around begging to replace them? What a son of a bitch. Jerry wrestles most of the (very boring) match. AJ gets the win with a particularly crazy looking Spiral Tap. New champions. Of course, Jerry Lynn looked mad that the guy he found to be his partner in the match he weaseled he way into actually won. Of course.


TO THE BACK. NWA president Jim Miller is found in the back, bound and gagged with "FU" scribbled on his very large gut.



K-Krush/Jeff Jarrett vs Scott Hall/Brian Christopher

Things quickly head into the crowd. Ed decides to go into the crowd to call it. Or he said he was going to, at least. Hall is looking very fast and lucid in this. Maybe we could just get rid of Brian Christopher. Because he's the worst. Especial as a pilled up dude still trying to do all the Grandmaster Sexay stuff without being allowed to use any of the names or references. Of course, he turns on Hall for no reason. SWERVE! Ref bump! Hall beats the shit out of all the heels, but the numbers game catches up to him. Jeff gets the pin. He grabs the mic after the match. "I proved my point tonight. You ain't worth a SHIT!" He then says he ran Hall out of the WWF, WCW, and now the NWA. He then blasts Scott in the back of the head with the trophy given to Tenay at the start of the show. CONTINUITY! Apparently Hall has no friends in the back, as no one comes to help him even after he's attacked while on a stretcher. Three times. 


These shows are bafflingly bad. But this was a show of many firsts. The first show in Tennessee. The first defense of the NWA Championship. The first defense of the X-Division Championship. The first crowning of new NWA Tag Team Champions. The first completely random heel turn on a partner. Big show.  Also a terrible, terrible show.

  

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