ECW Hardcore Heaven 1995

The Pitbulls vs Dudley Boyz

This is, technically, the debut of the Dudley Boyz, but this is not Bubba and D-Von. It's Snot and Dudley Dudley. This is basically a squash. The only notable thing was Francine in the crowd (and still unnamed as a character) making out with Stevie Richards, then getting into a cat fight with Beulah. Raven dragged Stevie and Beulah away. Back in the ring, the Pitbulls hit the Superbomb, but one of the Dudleys broke the pin and stole the win. After the match, the Pitbulls spoke with Joey and all but screamed "WE'RE TURNING FACE". 

Dino Sendoff/Don E. Allen vs Chad Austin/Broad Street Bully

About 2 minutes in, 911 comes out and chokeslams all 4 guys, but not before Joey Styles takes the time to bury all 4 dudes in the ring and WCW Slamboree at the same time. Paul E. says "fuck" and Bill Alfonso peaked out from the curtain to get a look at the scene. WELCOME TO EC FUCKIN W. 

Big Val Puccio vs Hack Myeres

Big Val is a morbidly obese man who fans of TLC's human misery shows may recognize from an episode of Inside the Brookhaven Obesity Clinicwhere his attempt to lose weight was featured. It didn't work. He died at the age of 45 due to weight complications. He had a shaved head, except for a pony tail growing from just under his crown. The majority of the match is stalling around. LOL at the fan wearing a King of the Ring 1995 shirt. That show sent me to a dark place. I'm amazed that Val took a bump. His likely at least 5XL sweat pants are somewhat tight on him. He's done enough splashes in the corner that the ring has moved to much the hard cam is now off center. Of course, this is terrible by pretty much any metric you can think of, but I am surprised at how mobile Val is for being 400 pounds and under 6 feet tall. He loses when he gets pinned after missing an elbow drop. He splashed Hack a few more times after the match.

Taz vs 2 Cold Scorpio

Scorpio has a noticeable paunch, which is probably why he's wearing a singlet in an attempt to suck it in. Taz is somewhere between Tazmaniac and Human Suplex Machine. He's not quite TAZ, but he's close. He has a traditional wrestler's singlet instead of the shorter one he'd wear, and he still has a head of hair. He tries to suplex Scorp right away, who fights out of it and throws some weirdly stiff shots to the back of the neck. If I'm not mistaken, this was built on Scorp breaking Taz's neck in a tag match with Eddie and Dean. There actually is some wrestling in this, which is neat. It's sloppy and for some reason Scorp is hitting a bunch of suplexes on Taz, but in comparison to the last half hour of shit, it isn't bad. Scorp really lays shit the fuck in on Taz. It's nice, seeing how often Taz was a reckless piece of shit to so many guys over the years. Scorp controls the whole match, then Taz randomly no sells the Tumbleweed and hits a half nelson suplex. He pinned Scorp, who was CLEARLY in the ropes, but still thought he won. So did Paul E., who ABSOLUTELY had to have seen that Scorp was in the ropes. Bill Alfonso comes out and restarts the match. Joey Styles throws a fit. That mother fucker saw that that Scorp was in the ropes, too. Paul E. tries to get into a cat fight with Fonzy. In the distraction, Scorp blasted Taz in the back of the head with a chair and won with an Arabian facebuster.

Joey Styles does a run down for the spot that will be edited into the TV show, which is a weird thing to include in the full event version. CALL THE HOTLINE to hear about Shane Douglas' negotiations with the WWF! Of course, this brings Shane out, bitching about yellow journalism and SHOOTING. He admits to being in negotiations with Vince McMahon. He's wearing a WWF t-shirt, so I mean, this is not a big surprise. "ARE YOU GOING TO SELL OUT TO THE MAN?!?!" Yes, Joey, actually getting paid is selling out to the man. You hawked COINS on TV, you fuck head. YOU LIVE IN STAMFORD. The fans start chanting "SHANE IS DEAD". Then they start chanting for Ric Flair. This gets Shane screaming and saying "shit" over and over. I can see the tip of his dick in his yellow bicycle shorts. This goes on FOREVER. He keeps calling things pieces of shit, uses SHOOT NAMES, and starts talking about starting out with Cactus Jack nearly 12 years ago. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, SHANE. Christ. In the most relevant and correct chant in ECW history, the crowd of scumbags beg for Shane to shut the fuck up. Shane says he's leaving and tries to get the crew to leave as well. It only took him 10 minutes that felt like 45 to get to that point. Best of all, all this shit talk led to him being DEAN DOUGLAS and being back within a year. Lol. Woman comes out. "SHANE'S GOT A PUSSY." What a weird chant. After hitting on her, he calls her a douchebag and gets slapped. Instead of hitting her back...he lets her slap him again, but then tries to break her arm. Sandman runs out and knocks him out of the ring. Then Cactus Jack runs Sandman off. Did you think it was finally over? NOT A FUCKING CHANCE. Joey follows Shane to the entrance , where Shane announces he's going to teach Sandman a wrestling tonight. This lasted 15 minutes, with each 5 feeling like 20. Jesus Christ that's the longest 15 minute promo segment I've ever seen. FUCK. It was a promo segment with 3 run ins.

Raven/Stevie Richards vs Tommy Dreamer/Luna Vachon ECW Tag Team Championships

Why am I not surprised at all that Raven and Dreamer immediately start brawling on the floor as Stevie beats up Luna in the ring? You know how the DDT is the finisher for Raven and Dreamer? Imagine someone hits their finisher on the floor 40 seconds into the match, but things just carry on as normal right after. Hopefully that is very clear in your mind, because that's what happened in this. Raven bleeds and gets thrown into a...newspaper rack. The fuck is that doing inside the arena? At this point, Luna has been beating the shit out of Stevie for a while. This is absolutely terrible. Just mindless nonsense brawling. LOL, Luna kicked out of a double DDT. And after hitting a superplex on Stevie, she loses from...power to the eyes from Beulah. Jesus Christ, Paul. How did this shit ever take off? Titles retained.  AWFUL.

Todd Gordon calls out Bill Alfonso. Fonzy is made the ref of the Taipei Deathmatch, which will have no rules. This is a punishment, since he calls things right down the middle.

Axl Rotten vs Ian Rotten Taipei Deathmatch

I'm sure you've seen Kickboxer, but in case you haven't, the rules of this match are that each man will dip their hands in glue, then in broken glass. Then they'll punch each other. This is highbrow entertainment, you see. What a surprise that two dudes willing to do this for no money, on a no doubt staph covered mat, in front of mabye 1000 savages, would end up as horrible humans and/or someone who would OD in a McDonalds bathroom. After one punch, Fonzy stops the match due to a cut in Ian's eyes. Lol. As this was going on in the ring, the Gangstas and Public Enemy fought from backstage into the arena and were pulled apart by security and police. Todd Gordon then starts the match back up, and these fat, out of shape, unskilled wrestlers pretending to be brothers slice each other up with real glass for a few minutes. There is literally nothing to this besides them cutting each other over and over. This is some of the worst shit you'll ever see. I'm sure it is great for the guys working after this, now that the mat is covered in blood stained shards of glass. Good luck getting all of those little pieces out of the mat. And if having their FISTS COVERED IN REAL GLASS wasn't enough, thumbtacks were also involved. To top it all of, Axl won Ultimate Warrior splash. Lol. God fuck this shit. Everyone involved in allowing this match to happen or enjoying it should be ashamed of themselves.

Stevie/Raven/Tommy/Luna come back out to fight some more. The Pitbulls come out to help. They refuse to superbomb Luna and therefore turn on Stevie/Raven. Well, no shit. They screamed that's what they were going to do earlier in the show. Before Stevie can get superbombed, the Dudleys attack the Pitbulls. Jesus fuck. Just bring everyone else out, too. Have an impromptu battle royal. YOU'RE A SHITTY BOOKER, PAUL. After 10 minutes of these people all brawling, the last thing anyone need was for them all to come back out and brawl all around the arena for another 10 minutes. I fucking hate this show.

The Sandman vs Cactus Jack ECW Championship

So...Shane lied even on his way out? What a HEEL. Sandman has two Singapore canes. Cactus has his right hand and forearm wrapped with barbed wire. Damn, Woman was so hot, but all I can think about is that promo Benoit cut where he basically said she had a giant bush like a REAL woman. LOL at Nancy blasting Cactus in the head with a beer can. Great aim. After a few minutes of Sandman teeing off on Cactus, Cactus hits a DDT that probably gave Sandman permanent neck damage. And now Cactus has the cane, and then a chair. WRESTLING!!! Sandman is probably my favorite shitty wrestler ever, but damn. How hard is it to just take turns hitting each other with weapons? Woman brings out some more barbed wire, which Sandman wraps himself in to do Stinger Splashes. This is so bad. This whole show. This whole promotion. This shit isn't even entertaining from a spectacle perspective. It's just shitty everything. It's not like these dudes were mutilating themselves for artistic expression, because they aren't doing anything that resembles storytelling. It's just really trashy stunt shows that you could probably see at a redneck fair if you looked hard enough. Which, I suppose, describes wrestling in general, but fuck. Check of how much the crowd enjoyed it when Cactus face palmed and threw Woman extremely hard to the mat. And with all this shit going on, there definitely needed to be a fucking ref bump. Shane Douglas runs out, attacks the already downed ref, then piledrives Sandman...then hits Cactus in the forehead with a broken Singapore cane that had no impact at all. Sandman wins. Keep your friends close, and your enemies right next to you is the wrestling lesson. This is SO BAD. I really can't describe it. Todd Gordon comes out and won't let the finish stand. Shane says he'll stay in ECW of Todd gets down on bended knee and asks him to stay. Todd does, then tells him he's FUCKING FIRED. SWERVE. Shane beats up Todd and some refs. Then some jobbers. THIS IS A SHOOT! 911 arrives. Shane lets go of Todd before he even knows 911 is in the ring. Chokeslam. Shane scurries out of the ECW arena for the "last time". 

The Gangstas vs Public Enemy

Before the match, PE announced you were going to see a bunch of garbage, so at least I was warned. As you'd expect, this is another 15 minutes of mindless brawling and blood after the past 45 minute of nothing but mindless brawling and blood (and a never ending Shane Douglas promo). Everyone bleeds. Tables are broken. New Jack doesn't even have the decency to try to murder someone. Fuck ECW. PE wins after a top rope croquet mallet shot. PE and the fans dance in the ring to end the show.

Fuck ECW. Fuck Paul Heyman. This is one of the worst shows I've ever seen. HOW DID THIS PROMOTION TAKE OFF? It's so bad. The wrestling is bad, the brawling is bad, the promos are bad, the angles are bad. Everything is SO bad.