NWA TNA Weekly PPV 7 7/31/02

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Elix Skipper vs AJ Styles NWA X Division Championship

Jerry walks AJ to the ring, so I guess they're on the same page. for a few minutes. Elix attacks before introductions, and Jerry joins for commentary. What the world was waiting for. Why is Elix getting a title shot so soon? What was the point of that 6 way match to determine rankings if you aren't going to follow them? This is a pretty back and forth match with a lot of work from Elix on AJ's neck. In the end, Elix broke his neck (again) falling off the ropes and was pinned with a spiral tap. Title retained. 

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Ricky Steamboat I guess is the new authority figure and did some off camera business with Malice and Ken Shamrock. Anyway, as Elix is leaving the ring, he's confronted by Monty Brown, who lays a beating on that ass. 

The SUSPENDED Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring with a body in a burlap sack. After rambling for a while about the NWA and authority, he reveals he kidnapped a midget. "Well, tonight, I'm gonna cripple a midget, right on Pay-Per-View!" Double J out here hitting piledrivers on midgets. Eventually, Puppet The Psycho Dwarf comes out and PULLS A FUCKING GUN ON JEFF. Security gets him distracted, and Double J beats him with a chair. Oh, by the way, Elix Skipper was still in the ring and also got hit for no reason. Just then, Ricky Steamboat, Bob Armstrong, and one of the Harris Brothers come out to put Double J in his place. Jeff challenges Ricky to a match. Ricky gets into the ring, but before any action can happen, Scott Hall sneaked in and eliminated Jeff. Hall challenges Jeff to a stretcher match. Boy, this sure was a busy segment. 

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TO THE GOLDY. Sonny Siaki is the guest. He's doing a full Rock gimmick now. At least he didn't call her a bitch.


Sonny Siaki vs Slash

James Mitchell has brings with him a little box, which he says is the Ark of the New Church, and it contains the blood of Audad. He won't explain what that is, but it's basically a ram. Then he says some other goofy occult shit that is supposed to sound spooky and mysterious and instead sounds like he's just making shit up. Meanwhile, there's a match going on completely being ignored so Mitchell can spout nonsense. Slash puts a bag on Sonny's head and hits a neckbreaker to win. Sinister Minister then marks Sonny with the blood. But then DON HARRIS hits the ring and beats up Slash. This brings Malice out, but Mitchell won't let him get into the ring. Okay.

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TO THE GOLDY. Goldy talks to Ricky Steamboat about how out of control TNA has been since day one, and what Ricky is going to do to bring things under control. He doesn't really say WHAT he's going to do, just that he's gonna do it. He then storms off from the interview for being compared to Bill Behrens.

Truth comes out to talk to the black cage dancer, trying to convince her that THEY are exposing her for their benefit and dollar. "You wanna know the truth? This ain't nothing but a damn freak show." Now, is he talking about the cage dancing or wrestling in general? #Layers. "You are nothing more than a $2 ho." She slapped him after he said she'd end up doing tricks in the hood. Then he took off his belt and I presume was going to whip her, but possibly rape her considering this is TNA, but Monty Brown made the save. Monty ended up getting a 2x4 broken over him and was helped to the back.

Ricky Steamboat comes out and tells Truth to have the balls to come say what he has to say to his FACE. Steamboat immediately calls him, "son", which I guess is a step up from "boy". Whether THEM is authority or white people, Ricky will listen to Ron say what he has to say. But you see, Ricky thinks he's THEM, but he's not. People are still talking about Steamboat vs Savage. But they never gave him a shot at the WWF Championship. THEY held him back. "The intercontinental belt was always for second class citizens." That seems to strike a chord with Ricky, although lol that they're both ignoring Ricky being a former NWA World Champion. Steamboat is going to give Truth that opportunity he never got: Shamrock vs Truth next week for the title!

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Malice vs Apolo

Apolo I guess was supposed to be next in line for a title shot, and I guess Malice, too. LET'S HAVE ANOTHER BATTLE ROYAL! They have a traditional HOSS match with leap up flying ranas (attempts) and pescados. Apolo got busted open LEGIT on the ring post, but won with a superkick. After the match, Malice attacked Apolo and chokeslammed the ref. Don Harris returned to save the day. Slash comes out and helps out Malice. Don the Nazi is then marked with blood.

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Don West introduces Miss TNA: Taylor Vaughn. She's interrupted by Bruce AKA Kwee Wee. Inspired by Truth, he requests to be treated with respect and equal rights, and challenges Taylor to a match for the crown. She bends down like she's going to blow him, says "Let me just say, I'm gonna kick your homo ass" and hits a low blow. What the fuck are we doing here?

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Bruce vs Taylor Vaughn Miss TNA

Bruce wins with a wacky sitout gourdbuster. He's now Miss TNA.

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TO THE GOLDY. Low Ki does pull ups and refuses to do a promo. 


Low Ki vs Jerry Lynn

AJ joins for commentary. So many arm drags, what the heck? Also a lot of kicks, but Jerry Lynn's kicks fucking suck. This is pretty similar to the other X Division matches: Just dudes doing whatever it is they do for 10-15 minutes uninterrupted. It's far and away the saving grace of these shows, even if most of the matches don't have much in the way of story. Ki looked like he had the match about won, so AJ got up on the apron. He accidentally (???) kicked Jerry in the back of the head, causing the match to be thrown out. Ki had the match won with a Ki Krusher, though. And then AJ makes it clear he did it on purpose, so Low Ki kicked him in the face.

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TO THE GOLDY. Oh great, Don Harris is about to have a match. "You want me to stand here and cut you some wrasslin' promo, yellin' and screamin' telling you what I'm gonna do to Malice? No." He's going to ask Ricky Steamboat to book a first blood match. "Won't start no shit, won't be no shit." 

TO THE JIVE TALK. Disco needs to do something about that hair. Disco implies he's been in discussions to replace Oprah. "And let the record show that my nationwide search for the hottest, sexiest, dumbest bitch I can find has begun, to be my first ever Miss Jive Talkin'". This shit is so low rent it's incredible. It's just random furniture either from someone's house or a nearby Goodwill, plus an airbrushed sign. He brings on Goldylocks to be the first to expose he naked breasts on a TNA broadcast. "You just called me a dumb bitch." "I didn't call you a dumb bitch." "Yeah, ya just did. You called me a dumb bitch." Riveting television. He does get her to sit down and talk, though, and he interviews her about her music career. She's apparently been called a female Kid Rock. This is awful. "Bitch Don't Cry? What is that, an autobiography?" He stops the interview to tell her to show her tits. "And you keep my balls out of this, young lady!" Lmao, Goldy tries to push a feminist message of empowerment and gets booed, then Disco implies her only talent is sucking dick. So she slaps him. He then chokes her while calling her a dirty slut, but she knees him in the balls. But then some GIANT broad from Tough Enough shows up and chokes Goldy out. Just fucking horrendous. 

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YES. DON WEST HARD SELL OF NEXT WEEK'S X DIVISION TRIPLE THREAT! THEY'VE ALL GOT AXES TO GRIND! YOU SAW IT! ALL THREE OF THEM, MIKE! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! THE BLOOD MATCH NEXT WEEK! BLOOD AS RED AS MY SHIRT! RICKY THE STEAMBOAT DRAGON! 


Scott Hall vs Jeff Jarrett Stretcher Match

Shout out to 1977. Double J's gear looks so damn low rent. Wtf, did none of his WCW gear fit him anymore? Looks like you made a CAW out of his gear in Smackdown 2. This match goes on a few minutes before they brawl TO THE BACK. Then back out and into the crowd. Which you can't see any of. Lol at Hall treating this like a ladder match. Straight up Razor/HBK spots but with a 1970s MASH stretcher. And it sucks. Hall had the match won with a Razor's Edge. I guess you have to pin your opponent first. But Truth pulled the ref out of the ring and hit an ax kick on Hall, but then Hall kicked out. Monty Brown chased Truth into the crowd, and then JERRY LYNN did a splash on Jeff for bumping into him during the backstage brawl. And then AJ came out and attempted ot hit the spiral tap on Hall, but DON HARRIS knocked him off the top rope. And then the New Church came out and attacked Don. The match then continued with...a ref bump. Jeff got a chair and Ricky Steamboat came out. Jeff swung at him, but hit the ropes and hit himself. Hall then tried to use the chair, but Ricky stopped him, which led to Jeff hitting a stroke on the chair. Jeff simply puts Razor on the stretcher in the ring but WE'RE OUTTA TIME.

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Why yes, this is a show where a midget pulls a gun on Jeff Jarrett, and Jeff wins in the main event after 8 run ins and 2 ref bumps and still a fuckery finisher on top of that. Holy shit, there was really a segment where Jeff Jarrett beat up a midget until another midget PULLED A HAND GUN OUT AND THREATENED TO MURDER HIM IN THE CENTER OF THE RING. The bizarre treatment of Goldylocks continued, with even Ricky Steamboat being a dick to her and then a whole segment that was supposed to be about female empowerment and making Disco look like an asshole ending with her getting booed and then choked out. 

It's a good thing the X Division is around, because that's the only thing propping these shows up. Just absurd what the fuckery every week. Like...in a "who the fuck thinks this up" type of way. Seriously. A midget (who a few weeks ago was filmed jerking off in a trash can) PULLED A PISTOL ON JEFF JARRETT. Let's also not forget that Jeff has been suspended twice in 7 weeks and hasn't missed a single show.

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