AAA Triplemania XXV
Dragon Solar/Pardux/Solaris/Ashley vs Bronco Gonzalez/Chicano/Fetiche/Hashtary
The winner of this match gets a contract with AAA I think. Shout out to the first spot of the match being two botched dives. Oh my god this is so bad. It's amazing. And done in a still at least 80% still empty arena. I'm not sure if the winning team gets contracts, or just the person to win the fall. From what I can tell, none of these humans deserve a contract. If they aren't blowing spots, they're fucking up their strikes and killing someone. The technico team won. Boy, this sucked.
Angelika/Hijo del Vikingo/The Tigger vs Angel Mortal Jr/Tiger Boy/ Villano III Jr
What the heck now were at Villanos III Jr? Can't they just keep adding numbers? Like Villano 17 or something.This Angelika cat is killing it. This is better in the sense that there aren't nonstop botches, but it still is pretty whatever. Camera crew misses THREE DIVES IN A ROW. ON A LUCHA SHOW. The technicos again won with stereo 450, ssp, and inverted SSP.
The actual show starts with the military playing the/singing the national athem with repeated shots of two women holding the urns of Antonio Pena and someone else, then a highlight package of the entirety of AAA's existence set to Dream On. It's pretty rad, except they don't have an actual feed of the video, instead recording it off screen for their own fucking video package. The heck?
Hernandez/La Hiedra/Mamba/Mini Psycho Clown vs Big Mami/Dinastia/Estrella Divina/Mascara de Bronce
I imagine Hernandez is going to murder a midget or exotica. Or woman. I expect him to injure someone. This shit is so bad. Not even in a fun way. It's just bad. Everyone did a dive, including the obese Big Mami. There might be more codebreakers than arm drags in lucha now. The fuck. The rudos won after Mami got hit with a chair. Ironically, HERNANDEZ is the one that got injured. Lol.
Sexy Star vs Ayako Hamada vs Lady Shani vs Rosemary AAA Reina de Reinas Championship
Hamada looks drunk as shit walking to the ring. Jesus Christ this is trash. The production truck going to extreme wide shots every few seconds sure isn't helping anything. I swear to shit most of this match is two of them just standing around doing nothing. What are the fucking rules to this shit? It's like a tag fatal four way, but everyone is in the ring , so two just stand around doing nothing until they break up a pin or something. Hamada is bringing the weapons and getting booed for not being able to throw the trash can into the ring. To be fair, the ring is significantly higher than a traditional ring. This is a MESS. Every spot is fucked up. It's amazing. Hamada keeps stiffing Sexy Star, who gets more and more pissed and stops selling, after spending half the match on the floor talking to fans because she was mad. Then she puts Rosemary in a REAL armbar and really, intentionally injured Rosemary because she was mad at someone else. Title retained. She put the hold back on for real after the match was over and injured her co-worker. The heck? What a shithead.
Vampiro and another guy come out to announce who won the Key to Glory contracts. Vampiro looks like his tweaking something fierce. Sweating, fidgety, grabbing his dick, scratching his nose. Now, I thought the winner of the matches got contracts, but no, the matches had judges and got picked based on that.
Monster Clown/Murder Clown vs Dark Cuervo/Dark Scoria vs Aero Star/Drago vs GFW Team AAA Tag Team Championships
Oh yeah, TNA is involved with this show. We're gonna get Double J later tonight. This production crew is so fucking bad. They can't even catch the action when everyone is in the ring. The clowns using a leather strap is the most over thing by far. This shit is a mess. Begging for a just a normal ass match with flow and rules and shit. I like the idea that you go to Mexico to learn how to botch and stare at each other afterwards. So, Aero Star stands on a clown's shoulders and reaches for the lighting rig. He can't reach it, so THEY LIGHTING RIG LOWERS SO HE CAN CLIMB ON IT. Then it raises back up to near the rafters. Well above the Hell in a Cell height. So, most of the match has the cameras focused on him standing around up on the rig and ignoring the match. And then he dives. What the fuck. Lmao seconds later some dudes run in and are immediately disposed of. Wtf was the point? Another clown comes out. What the fuck am I watching? Omg, some other guys comes running down to break up a pin and runs directly into the apron. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. This shit show. Oh wait, that's Marty The Moth from Lucha Underground. He helped the clowns win. This show is the worst.
The widows are back out to talk about all the dead people from AAA. A sad video of remembrance. A real uplifting part of the show. This is immediately followed up by clowns and KISS impersonators.
Torneo Triplemania XXV
This appears to be a 10 team battle royal, made up of 3 man teams. There are also lumberjacks. Some of the luminaries in this match: Heavy Metal, Pirata Morgan, Villano IV, Chessman, Averno, Blue Demon Jr...and TEAM GWF: JEFF JARRETT, LASHLEY, AND MOOSE! My god. 30 men, 20 lumberjacks. On a lucha show. A lucha show that can't even handle 6 men in the ring. I can't even describe how bad this is. What the fuck, Lashley comes out without Jarrett and Moose. This is the worst. Someone else's music starts after a countdown and Moose comes out to someone else's music. Finally, Double J comes out, and holy shit he looks awful. Dude looks old as shit, walking like a 75 year old man, and now he's throwing tortillas into the crowd. Wtf, Lashley and Moose are FIGHTING EACH OTHER. They're on the same team. Now Jeff is throwing beer on people. It takes him maybe 5 minutes to get to the ring. Once he gets to the ring he beats up everyone. Lmao. Jesus Christ this is SO BAD. Fake La Parka pinned Jeff Jarrett with the worst DDT of all time. Thriller then started to play like La Parka's team won, but there's a ton of people still left. Then everyone stands around like wtf, the music stops, La Parka is laying dead on the mat, and Double J is still doing Memphis heel work out on the floor. This is incredible. What the fuck is happening? Random partners turning on each other and eliminating THEMSELVES from the match. The announcers literally have no fucking clue what is going on. A dude just pinned his partner. La Parka's whole mask came off, and he won with a small package. This is the worst show I've ever seen.
Pagano vs El Mesias Street Fight
All these fucking CLOWNS. God, they can't even do a fucking singles street fight right. Even the announcers are talking about how terrible the selling is in this. The fans are yelling for another match. Lmao. Christ this is so fucking bad. Loud boos. The match is stopped after Mesias is hit in the knee with a barbed wire wiffleball bat. Medical staff came out, then some random guy came out and attacked both guys. The announcers are again completely lost. This is the worst show.
Johnny Mundo vs El Hijo del Fantasma vs Texano Jr AAA Triple Crown TLC Match
Jesus Christ, no way someone doesn't die in this. Omg, the ref has to hold up bodies on an already broken table for a spot and the dude misses anyway. This isn't even a good spotfest. And of course the good spots there are, cameras are missing them. Mundo takes a fall from the top of a ladder to the floor (and remember, the ring is a good 2 higher than a normal ring) through a metal reinforced table. Cameras missed all of it. He also missed one of the tables. Fantasma was about to grab at least one of the belts win Kevin Cross made a run in OUTTA NOWHERE. Some little dude from earlier comes out. Then Hernandez comes out. This shit is a train wreck. This whole show. Miss another fucking table bump, brehs. Christ. Mundo won with a low blow at the top of the ladder. Titles retained. TRASH.
After the match, Johnny talked about some twitter beef with Vampiro, which brought out 50 year old Vampiro. He wants Vamp to put the belts around Johnny's waist. "Pick that up you bitch-made mark." Vamp does it, but looks very sad about it. But then Johnny talks more shit, spits in is face, and slaps him. Eventually, Vamp hits the laziest chokeslam of all time. Vamp promises to bust Johnny's mouth and face open. Meanwhile, this whole time, Fantasma and Texano have been bleeding to death in the corner for this entire thing. THEN they just started blasting each other with chairs and then both fall over. The ref starts clapping. What the fuck is this?
Psycho Clown vs Dr. Wagner Jr Mask vs Mask
Clown has absurd spikes all over his pants. At least the crowd is into this. Lmao, PSYCHO PUTO chants. Brawling in the crowd that you can't see. Great. Boy, this sucks, too. Wagner is twice Psycho Clown's age and faster, crisper, and in better shape. Psycho Clown is busted open. From a padded office type chair. Lmao, Psycho's mask is ripped and off anyway. Doesn't matter if he loses now, I guess. So, Psycho Clown is just hanging out, bleeding, with Wagner just hitting him once in a while. Trash. Psycho fires up and hits a bunch of dives, then completely whiffs on a tope and hits his head on the apron as well. God this sucks. Psycho hits a chair shot and then just walks around taunting for two minutes instead of going for a pin or anything. God why won't this end? They've been going on for what feels like an hour before the first fall even ends. This is the most aimless fucking shit. Psycho Clown wins with a Yoshi Tonic. I thought this was 2/3 falls, but somehow this is the only fall and it counted. Dr. Wagner Jr must now unmask. He looks like Mexican Christopher Lee and it's fucking bad ass. He should have dropped the mask years ago.
This is, without any exaggeration, one of the worst fucking shows I've ever seen. And I've seen some of the worst shows on any kind of major level, as well as tiny indies in front of 50 people doing death match shit in a warehouse. Every single match was a complete clusterfuck with constant botches, cameras missing major spots, people getting completely lost. Almost every match had multiple nonsensical run ins. The women's match had Sexy Star trying to legitimately fight Hamada and Shani, sitting half the match out, then taking out her frustrations on Rosemary by trying to break her arm for no reason whatsoever. The battle royal was an all time worst match of the year candidate. Fucking 50 year old Jeff Jarrett coming out to do 5 minutes of racist heel work then beat up 10 guys by himself while looking and moving like a drunk 75 year old, while the two people on his team randomly started fighting and walked out of the match. And then later on more partners turn on each other, with one team eliminating itself twice fighting each other FOR NO REASON.
A street fight so shitty that fans were chanting for another match to start and booing both men, then it ended in a no contest. A TLC match where every spot was botched or missed by cameras, one guy busted his head open on a dive and bled the whole match, and then a promo segment with the champion and 50 year old Vampiro went on almost as long as the match only for it to end with the other two guys bashing each other in the head with chairs for no apparent reason while the ref clapped when they passed out.
Never mind the terrible flow of long promo segments or video packages, or things like the absurd mood whiplash of going from a fairly long tribute to dead wrestlers straight into clowns and KISS impersonators. The whole thing was an absolutely horrific shitshow to the highest degree.