Impact Wrestling Slammiversary XV

EARLIER TODAY. Impact Champion Bobby Lashley arrived with King Mo.  GFW Champion Alberto El Patron also arrived.

Lmao, the intro video is nothing but clips of ex-WCW/WWE/ECW guys and actual TNA talent that TNA squandered and are now popular in WWE. The show properly starts with a dude who looks suspiciously like BOB releasing an owl into the middle of the ring, because TNA's new parent company's logo is an owl. Don West is back! HOLY COW! 

Dave Penzer introduces the crowd to the heads of AAA, NOAH, CRASH, and Impact Wrestling. 

Garza Jr/Laredo Kid vs LAX vs Drago/El Hijo del Fantasma vs Naomichi Marufuji/Taiji Ishimori Impact/GFW Tag Team Championships

In addition to this being a unification match between two companies, it features talent from four companies, and is to be contested under lucha rules. I have no idea who the new LAX people are, but I'm definitely not pleased to see Konnan in 2017. I don't even know which teams are champions here. Now, I very much enjoyed Marufuji's embracing of being a grump old cunty vet, so now he's going to go back to goofy ass shit in this. Garza Jr. is I guess the nephew, not son, of former AAA/WCW/TNA competitor Hector Garza. A lot of lucha fuckery in this. Also a lot of guys getting confused over the ring, and also not knowing how to work with each other. Also cameras missing a lot of big spots. These new LAX doods suck. Homicide is out there with him, I don't know why they don't just have him wrestle. You could say this is total nonstop action. Not always good, and not a lot of it makes sense, but at least it's a sensory overload. LAX won with a powerbomb/blockbuster combo. I guess they were already the champs for both companies. Lol. Why did they call it a unification match, then? NO, NOT A KONNAN PROMO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

TO THE BACK. JB and Joseph Park talk. Joe revealed that he got a no DQ stipulation added to the match tonight.

DeAngelo Williams/Moose vs Chris Adonis/Eli Drake

What the heck, Chris Masters is in TNA? In 2017? And now DeAngelo Williams, former Panther and Steeler, is joining former Colt Moose in his wrestling debut. Lmao at these cheerleaders, none of which are in sync at all. This other announcer, who I guess is from MLB Network or something, repeatedly calls Adonis by Masters, which I'm pretty sure he's not allowed to be called as. What's weirder to me than that is that Eli Drake is built better than 2017 Chris Masters, despite the later going by "Adonis" now. DeAngelo is...shockingly impressive. This is his first match ever and he's looking legit as hell. He kind of seems better than Moose, tbh.  Yo wtf, why is this guy so good? He's fluid as hell. Dude out here doing multi move combos WIT DA GREATEST OF EASE. The only thing he fucks up is over shooting on a frog splash, because he's so athletic. He pins Masters after said frog splash on a table, even though he pretty much landed on his face. I can't believe that was his FIRST match. Ever. That dude should be a wrestler full time. He was the best wrestler in the match.

TO THE MACKENZIE. EC3 is the guest, and he's on a quest to get rid of all the old TNA guard, the last of which remaining being James Storm. 

EC3 vs James Storm Strap Match

As EC3 is the only Carter left in the company, he feels he has to represent the family. Remember that month Storm was in NXT, then TNA offered him more money because he was in WWE, and WWE told him to take the money because they weren't going to do shit with him? Lol. A whole lot of stappage, brother. Also, choking. But EC3's gimmick is you're supposed to hate him because he's a Carter, which I guess was his original gimmick, but now it's "I'm the ONLY Carter left, and I'm going to keep the Carter stink on this company", yet fans are doing dueling chants. EC3 gets handcuffs out, but ends up getting cuffed to the turnbuckle himself. "James Storm is a magician!" "EAT MY ASS *SPITS*". Storm straps him 32 times, 1 more time than EC3 strapped him at an earlier date. Lmao, random finisher theft. IN A STRAP MATCH. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL Storm hits the superkick, then passes out like HBK in 1995, EC3 hits a modified pedigree for the win. The fuck? Storm just got a concussion minutes after the fact, I guess. Storm was helped out by medical staff.

TO THE BACK. Karen Jarrett gets a hold of Dutch Mantel, and neither have been able to get into contact with Brother Love. It's 2017 and Brother fucking Love and Dutch Mantel are at the center of an angle on PPV.

Jeremy Borash/Joseph Park vs Josh Matthews/Scott Steiner

Fuckery incoming. God damn announcer feuds. But SCOTT STEINER. Lmao. Omg. Josh's tron is just tweets and emojis. And now he has a full sleeve on one arm. Looking it up, Josh has had 1 match since 2004 (a singles match at an Impact taping in India). JB has had more matches in the past decade. We're now in an era where Scott Steiner is old enough that he wrestles with a shirt on and the only dyed part of his beard is the dark part. We're also in an era where a random internet radio show from WCW 2000 is wrestling on PPV in 2017. With EARL FUCKING HEBNER as the ref. He's 68 years old at the time of this PPV. Every single person in this match is wearing a shirt. Lmao Josh doing dives and shit. Go back to your Men's Aficionado podcast you shitbird. Imagine having a fashion podcast when you have garbage wrestler tats and wear distressed jeans in your mid 30s. Scott grabs a guard rail and chases JB and Abyss to the back. Then, things suddenly become a #BrokenHardy vignette. "Josh, get in the cart! I'm gonna run their fat asses over, come on!" "RUN YOU FAT ASSES!"  Omg, Scott Steiner is chasing down fat asses in a golf cart backstage. This is absurd. A dude from the Hardy things shows up driving his car backstage, which Scott and Josh steal as they continue to chase fat asses. They end up at a hotel pool, which Josh gets back body dropped into. LMAOOOOOO JB says "What are we doing" before doing a tope into the pool. Meanwhile Scott and Joe are brawling somewhere. OH SHIT IT'S SHARK BOY. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shark bite, shark bite shark bite! IT'S THE SINISTER MINISTER JAMES MITCHELL. HOLY SHIT! He has the Abyss mask! JB, Scott, and Josh make their way back to the ring. Yo wtf Robert Irvine from the Food Network (and Gail Kim's husband) shoves Josh. Lmao. This is nuts. Josh puts JB in the Steiner Recliner, but then SHARK BOY COMES TO THE RING. Scott beats his ass. Lol. Fuck. The fuckery involved here. Of course, THE MONSTER ABYSS, led by James Mitchell, comes to the ring. THUMBTACKS. JOSH MATTHEWS TAKING THE BLACK HOLE SLAM ON THUMB TACKS FOR THE CULTURE. JB SUPERFLY SPLASH ON THUMB TACKS FOR THE WIN. 7000 stars.

TO THE MACKENZIE. GFW Champion Alberto El Patron is the guest, saying it's the biggest night of his life. Yes, two different WM matches for the title in front of STADIUMS isn't as big as a TNA/GFW Unification at Universal Studios. Okay, breh. His father, Dos Caras, will be in his corner tonight. ADR as a face is just not believable at all. Especially since he's STILL trying to co-opt the YES chants.

Davey Richards/Angelina Love vs Eddie Edwards/Alisha Edwards Full Metal Mayhem

Man, fuck this. I feel like the Wolves have been doing this on again off again feud for a decade in between teaming. Now they're bringing their spouses into it and doing a TLC match. Lmao, they're really doing thumb tack spots after the previous match. This match sucks. Such an uncoordinated mess of spots. Eddie wins after a sunset flip powerbomb off a ladder through a table.

Sonjay Dutt vs Low Ki Impact X-Division Championship 2/3 Falls

Shout out to 2003. Sonjay won the title in India, and for some reason, no one was mad at the clear pandering to the Indian audience when he did it as compared to Jinder Mahal getting the WWE Championship. I guess it might be because no one watches TNA in 2017. I'm certainly not interested in fucking Sonjay Dutt in 2017. I wasn't interested in him in 2007. Or 2003. Low Ki still doing his Hitman Agent 47 look after getting fired from NJPW for doing it years ago is kind of weird. Sonjay keeps the first bit of the match weirdly grounded, which I guess has Ki confused. Since he expected more 2003 indie fuckery, I guess. Ki wins the first fall with a double stomp OUTTA NOWHERE.

Ki looks like such an asshole doing matches in his suit. Dress like a wrestler, asshole. Ki twists his ankle doing another double stomp, and Sonjay takes advantage by...doing a Boston crab. He counters the Dragon Clutch into a pin to win fall two.

I guess Ki breaks his hand doing a punch that completely missed. This is dumb. All of the big story spots have looked bad. Sonjay wins with a moonsault double stomp. Title retained. 

TO THE BACK. Bobby Lashley gets warmed up.

Sienna vs Rosemary Impact Knockouts/GFW Women's Championships

What I gather from the pre-match video is that Sienna is supposed to be the heel because she's from GFW, but Rosemary is clearly a heel in TNA. It only takes about a minute before Laurel Van Ness (still wearing her wedding dress and make up from about 5 months ago) to come out along with her cousin (?) named KM. They just as quickly go to the back, but I guess Sienna is Laurel's cousin. Rosemary on her own seems weird since The Decay must be dead, since Abyss is back to Joe Park and Crazzy Steve is now in NXT. Yet she's still doing the gimmick by herself. This whole thing is kind of weird, since TNA was giving women in America a real platform many years before WWE did their #WomensRevolution, but at this point, even big Raw/SD women's matches are much better than whatever the hell this is. Shit, the TNA matches a decade before this were better than this. This is like....2002 era WWE women's match quality. Laurel returns and pulls SIXTY EIGHT YEAR OLD EARL HEBNER out of the ring when it seemed Rosemary had the win. Some other lady comes out and chases Laurel away with a kendo stick. Sienna hits Rosemary with a belt, but Rosemary KICKS OUT. SWERVE!  After all of the fuckery, Sienna blocks a mist with her hand (which burns it), and uses an eye rake with the hand and rolled into a guillotine choke to unify the titles. This match sucked.

JB introduces DOUBLE J JEFF JARRETT. IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2017. FRICK. Somehow, after Jeff getting pushed out of the company years ago, he's back and somehow back in control of TNA/Impact/GFW/whatever the fuck the official name is in 2017. He thanks all the fans over the past 15 years for putting groceries on the table of the Jarrett family.

Bobby Lashley vs Alberto El Patron GWF/Impact Wrestling Championships

Upon ADR's debut in TNA, he won the title off of Lashley, but due to TNA fuckery, the title was returned to Lashley. About 2 months later, due to more TNA fuckery, ADR would win the GFW title on Impact. Now, in July of 2017, the GFW and Impact/TNA Championships are being unified. Lashley has King MO, Jeff Monson, a few other members of American Top Team with him. ADR has Dos Caras and his brother, El Hjo de Dos Caras, as well as Paige somewhere in the front row in a mask. To be honest, Dos Caras in 2017 looks like he's still in shape to do another 10 years in Mexico. Despite the last match showing the GFW champ was heel by default, ADR is the face in this match. There's a weird stand off sequence to start which has German suplexes and leg kicks. A little overly involved for an opening hespect/stand off spot, imo. It only takes a few minutes before Lashley is using the table, and Dos Caras is chopping King Mo. A legitimate MMA fighter selling wrestling chops from a 66 year old man. That's the kind of fuckery we're dealing with here. If there's a story to this, I'm either too dumb to realize it, or it's a normal TNA match of just random shit by random guys. A big turning point is ADR missing a dive at what sure feels like 15 minutes in. This match feels like it goes on forever, and of course there's more fuckery with Dos Caras/King Mo. ADR wins after ramming Lashley into the post somehow gets Lashley into position for the rope hanging double stomp. Alberto El Patron has unified the GFW and Impact Wrestling Championships! WHAT A MOMENT. After the match, the Jarretts, Scott D'Amore, the head of Impact, the head of NOAH, the NOAH guys, Sonjay Dutt, and Fantasma come out to congratulate Alberto. I don't know why anyone would ever give a shit about TNA and GFW merging. 

A rose by any other name is still a rose. Also, dog shit by any other name is still dog shit.  You can call it TNA, you can call it Impact Wrestling, you can call it GFW. It's still the same second rate company with second rate talent and shitty camera work and a loud ring that makes everything seem like a blur. At times it was entertaining trash, at least, particularly the JB/Abyss vs Steiner/Josh match, which nearly rivaled the Hardys in its Broken Brilliance. I either don't know or don't give a shit about any of the talent on the show.

4th of July weekend 2017 will be best remembered for Billy Gunn headlining a NJPW show in California, and Konnan/Jeff Jarrett delivering promos on PPV.