EVOLVE 70


Anthony Henry vs Darby Allin

Both are new to me. Both look like trash. Darby Allin is leaning way hard into I'M A CRAZY AND DISTURBED WRESTLER shit, so I'm already down on him. Henry looks like a shit head, too. Oh my god, Darby tries a trust fall dive and completely over shoots, just splattering on the floor. For sure got a concussion out of that. Give yourself an Awesome Bomb, breh. Boy, that was not very well thought out. Right after this, he's taking super back drops. Maybe ease up on the big bumps after falling 10 feet to the floor. And the weird thing is, they just kept going like nothing happened. Just went back to the plan, which is Henry working the arm. Darby reminds me of Drake Younger, which is not a good thing. Henry seems like any random Kyle O'Reilly type of asshole. White dude with a bad hair cut, bad tats, and kick pads. Darby hits another trust fall, this time in the ring, and that gets him the win, despite having pretty much no offense at all for 90% of the match. 

 
 

Jason Kincaid vs Nathan Cruz

More newcomers to me. Jason Kincaid has about as bad of a look as you can have. Imagine if Bray Wyatt was anorexic and dressed like a space scarecrow. Tragic. He actually has glitter on his gear. Cruz was apparently the first PROGRESS champion, and this starts with the American Kincaid doing WoS tribute spots to the Englishman Cruz. But in slow motion. With no reaction. This sucks. Both of these guys suck. Why do guys insist on going to the floor when EVOLVE has no lights? You can't see shit when they go to the floor. You can barely see in two of the corners. No thanks to any of this. Wrap this shit up. Kincaid does some amazingly stupid looking shit. Cruz wins via submission. This show is not off to a good start.

 
 

Fred Yehi vs Dustin

I fuck with Yehi. Dustin is Chuck Taylor. I don't know why he's Dustin in Evolve. Is that his serious, heel character name or something? I guess I'll find out. Looks to be that way. Why would you book Chuck Taylor as a serious heel? Who wants to watch him wrestle straight matches? Fred is kind of weird. He does the Rey Mysterio version of running the ropes no matter what, even if it is weird and awkward. He's also doing a lot of work to the top of the foot. I wonder why this crowd paid to come to this show. They're dead silent. I guess I can't blame them too much, because this, sadly, isn't very good, either. I don't want to say it sucks, but it is knocking on that door. Fred wins with a Koji Clutch OUTTA NOWHERE. Okay, it did suck. 42 minutes into the show and it  has been death for me, the performers, and the audience. Bad vibes in this building.

 
 

Bunk 'N Funk vs  The Gatekeepers

Uh. Bunk 'N Funk are dancing nerds who come out to video game music. The Gatekeepers wear slacks and have beards. This show sucks. The Gatekeepers quickly win with the Heat Bomb. Ethan Page cuts a promo on Timothy Thatcher, who won't sign up for Twitter or entertain the people. Timothy Thatcher comes to the ring. We're gonna have the title match right now!

 
 

Ethan Page vs Timothy Thatcher EVOLVE Championship

Ethan desperately needs a cut season. Jiggly as a mug. Lots of stalling from Page. This whole show has been stalling. Do something cool. This is entertainer vs wrestler, but Ethan Page isn't entertaining, so your mileage may vary. Yikes, this is not good at all. I can't tell what percentage of the show sucking is due to the crowd being so dead, and what percentage of the crowd being dead is due to the show sucking. The crowd is so quiet you can hear individual cat calls: "This intermission is awful!" Lol. I can't argue. There is nothing going on in this. UGH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MOUTH, LENNY? It sounds like he's eating chicken wings on commentary all of the sudden, and the noise just keeps happening. This is disgusting. Lmao, you can hear people in the audience discussing Jared Leto's performance in Suicide Squad. LENNY STOP MAKING THE FUCKING NOISE. This is terrible. If I'm these dudes, I'd call an audible and just end the match and go home. But I would have done this 12 minutes ago. What the fuck is wrong with Thatcher's teeth? There's a ref bump. Ethan kicks Thatcher in the dick. The Gatekeepers get in the ring and Thatcher fights all 3 guys off. Ethan hits Thatcher with the belt, a new ref slides in, and...Thatcher kicks out. Ethan punches the ref. END THIS SHIT. It goes on for a few more minutes before ending with Ethan tapping out to a modified Fujiwara arm bar. Title retained. Fucking awful. Post match has Smokey Carmichael come out to ramble and try to get Tim on his side.

 
 

Tracy Williams vs Zack Sabre Jr. 

LOL at ZSJ's Euro dance trash music. Scrawny white guys: The Match. I'm pretty positive that ZSJ doing pressure point holds is not going to save the show. Tracy Williams gives ZSJ some trouble on the mat in the early going. This show desperately needs a sprinty spot fest. Anything to get some excitement on the show. The last thing this show needed was another long, slow match of guys aimlessly trading holds. This match also sucks. Just meandering, sloppy, and unenthusiastic. This is probably the worst ZSJ match I've seen. Tracy Williams flat out sucks, and ZSJ's weird "sell every strike like I got knocked out" shit got old about 5 minutes in. Tracy tries to Rampage Bomb out of a triangle and ends up just falling on Zach's fucking neck. What the fuck. God, why are these matches so fucking long? Everything on this show should be AT LEAST 5 minutes shorter. ZSJ wins via double arm bar. 

 
 

Drew Gulak vs Chris Hero   

Will someone finally give a shit on this show? At least Hero's elbows or piledrivers will probably pop the crowd a bit. I think my favorite thing about Gulak is that WWE was going to hire him after the CWC, then decided he kind of sucked and would use him as a random jobber from time to time if they think about him. Man, Hero really does look disgusting. There's a big difference between being a HOSS and being fat. I enjoy his work, but he's a fat dude. With next to no muscle tone. Just jiggly fat everywhere. Oh look, another slow paced grappling match. Hero finally throws a "right hand" that was definitely an elbow, but then the match...goes right back to headlocks. On a show that has been nothing but mat work where the crowd has been bored to tears the entire time. Hero throws another elbow, again called as a punch. Lenny...do you know the difference between a fist and an elbow? Finally something to get engaged in: Hero hitting the shit out of Drew, while Drew tries to avoid a piledriver. The first fucking thing 2 hours into the show to give the fans something to give a shit about. It's not much, but anything is welcome at this point. It gets weird when they start doing comedy spots, though. All momentum is lost when Drew goes on offense. Hero hits a short piledriver, then a cradle piledriver, but the match goes on for a few more minutes. He eventually wins with a roaring elbow to the back of the head. This has for sure been the best thing on the show, but it wasn't anything special in the least. The injured Drew Galloway comes out after the match to cut a promo about Chris Hero being a true independent success story, then goes on to shit all over Matt Riddle, who he blames for his injury. He goes on and on and on before revealing that he brought AR Fox back into the promotion to face Matt Riddle. AR Fox? FUCK.

 
 

AR Fox vs Matt Riddle

The patron saint of flippy shit vs the patron saint of bro shit. The very first move of the match is a dive that the cameras mostly missed. Hold up, why is AR Fox wrestling in cargo shorts? He looks like he has tights on under them, too. The fuck? And LOL at AR Fox being able to go hold for hold in shoot style shit with an actual MMA fighter. Crowd doesn't give a shit about this either. They barely even react to the flips. All of these matches have been so fucking aimless. Matt wins with the BROMISSION (all of his move names have bro in them). DUSTIN returns to beat up Matt Riddle. The rest of Catch Point run them off.  

 
 

What a terrible, terrible show. I don't think I've ever seen a show where absolutely no one wanted to be in the building. Not the fans, not the wrestlers, not the viewers. It almost felt like the crowd was resentful of having to be there. Absolutely bizarre vibe for the entire show. Gulak/Hero was the only thing that was even decent, and that's as high as the show got. The rest of the show ranged from terrible to MAKE IT END. That Page/Thatcher match is like worst match of the year material. If you want to watch the wrestling version of a funeral, watch this show.

Terrible product here. This promotion desperately needs some fucking lights, and some fucking agents that know how to put a match together, because nothing on this show had any story or flow to it. Just aimless and meandering bullshit. 

  
 

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