ROH/NJPW Global Wars 2015 Night 1 5/15/15

 
 

 

I still genuinely can't believe that NJPW does their American stuff with ROH. I think it says a lot more about the state of wrestling in the US than ROH. LMAO at the voice over saying NJ and ROH are the two most respected promotions in the world. Lol. ROH. Lol. "Two of the most respected promotions" would have been okay. But ROH just straight up put itself ahead of WWE, which is looooool.


Silas Young/Watanabe vs Moose/Gedo 

Silas Young looks like a child molester. Like, a hardcore child molester. With a dungeon and shit. Very skeevy vibes from that guy. Kevin Kelly says he never thought he'd have the pleasure of calling a match of the team of Moose/Gedo, which implies that he had previously thought about them as a team. I don't believe that one bit. There is no one in the world that was sitting around thinking, "You know, I bet Moose and Gedo would make a great team". Gedo and Watanabe begin the match. Watanabe needs to hit the gym. Pudgy as a mother fucker. Not in the good chubby wrestler kind of way. In the, "I eat a lot of shitty food" kind of way. Corino makes a racist joke about a minute into the match. Tags are made. Is Moose wearing Union Jack Jordans? Is he from the UK? Maybe it isn't the Union Jack. It looks like it, though. I will say the lighting is significantly improved from...pretty much every ROH show I've seen in the past 5 years. I think it is the ill fitting trunks that gives off the pedo vibes from Young. This isn't interesting at all. The only guy anyone gives a shit about is Moose, which is hilarious since he's the prototypical WWE guy in looks and moves. He's a big muscled dude with a football background. By all rights, ROH fans should hate him and everything he stands for. He does a run up cross body and fans lose their shit over it. And then Silas Young tries a Finlay Roll only to faceplant into the turnbuckle. Then he tries a stupid as fuck head stand into a split legged moonsault. His gimmick is that he's a super angry, mean, last "real man" type of dude. Why is he doing flippy floppy shit like that (and poorly) instead of knocking the shit out of people? Get your shit straight, man. Wait, he's the nephew of Stan Hansen? WTF. Uncle Stan needs to beat the fuck out of him for that shit. Silas randomly starts yelling at his partner and gets hit with a spear. MOOSE wins. I do enjoy that Corino and Kelly just go silent for long stretches of this match. Hopefully they do that the rest of the show. Silas attacks Watanabe after the match. Fans cheered.

Kevin Kelly tries to spit out the background of those twats in red masks. He stumbles and stutters and just throws to the B-Roll. Kaz and Daniels are fucking goobers. They have SHIELD logos on their tights and call their finisher "Celebrity Rehab".

Chris Sabin vs Kyle O'Riley vs Kushida

First production error of the night: Wrong music plays for Sabin. It's the second match and this is the first error, so that's a step up. And then during Kyle O'Riley's entrance, the camera randomly cut to a darkened guard rail at a weird angle. Looks like they're trying to make up for lost time. Are Sabin and Kushida going to fight over Alex Shelley's affection? Wtf, Corino thinks Kushida's bubble vest is a life preserver. What the hell? Has he never seen BTTF? Does he not understand the gimmick? Sabin desperately needs some sun. This begins with a THREE WAY INDIE RESPEK STAND OFF. Gross. O'Riley gets slapped and literally sells it like he's in a Looney Toons short. Is this a comedy match now? Really can't understand why the Alex Shelley connection hasn't been mentioned. Seems like something you'd want to bring up when Kushida and Sabin are going after each other. In fact, Kushida is doing Alex Shelley moves and there is still no mention. Sabin fucks the mat, which will get him a fine of "50 bucks". Way to make your promotion seem big time, Steve. Basically, these three run through every triple threat spot you've ever seen. O'Riley sells a superkick to the shoulder like he was shot. You got hit in the shoulder, bro. That didn't give you a concussion. Chill out. Lol. A gullotine on one guy while that guy has a kimura on someone else. So goofy. "This is wrestling". I mean, I guess. In that it is taking place inside of a wrestling ring, with guys getting paid to be "wrestlers". Sabin pulls out his 2003 X-Division spots. This is trash. Dudes just standing around waiting to hit each other. Not even in the normal wrestling way, but in the "I'm going to stand here waiting while this guy hits the other guy, and then I'll just keep standing here and let him hit me, too" way. No story, no flow. Kushida makes Sabin tap out. The thing about this match is that there WERE two built in stories that were never even talked about. Sabin cost reDragon the tag titles. Sabin and Kushida share a best friend/partner in Alex Shelley. The pre-match video brought up the title thing, but Alex Shelley's name wasn't mentioned once, even with Kushida doing his spots. Terrible job from commentary. And the wrestlers, really. Just bland as fuck.

Matt Sydal/Jushin Liger vs The Kingdom

Kevin Kelly was trying to make a point about the NJPW/ROH relationship and got cut off by on screen graphics. And he just gave up. Lol. "The Internet Darlings" is ironic, right? Matt Sydal has been "reborn" for many months now. How long is he going to be reborn? Liger lost to Jay Lethal the last time he was around, so his 30 year career is basically dead. Taven and Sydal start. Maybe this match should have just been Sydal vs Liger. Who the fuck gives a shit about either Kingdom guy? The answer is no one. They only give a shit about Maria. I have a feeling Matt Sydal owns a Vita. He likely buys DLC for 1000 year old demons. Probably plays Criminal Girls. As I talked about how much better the lighting was earlier, this time you can't see a thing that happens on the floor. Sydal does a dive off the apron and he disappears into an endless void of blackness. Do you think Mr. Maria knows he has a bald spot developing? What if Maria finds herself no longer attracted to him? Does that mean ROH can get rid of him and find something else for her to do? This is so bland. Sydal does all the moves he does when in tags/triple threats. Liger looks bored even with a mask. Random screen flickering. Maria and Liger have a moment. The same spot they had on like 5 NJPW shows. TITS TO THE FACE. Okay. This ring reminds me of the overly loud ECW rings in 1998-2000. Taven counters the SSP with a superkick, which makes no sense since Sydal would have to land on his feet for no reason. Bennett rolled out of the way, but Sydal couldn't have seen it, so he was just planning on landing on his feet, I guess. Kingdom win. "A rare romantic assault here in Ring of Honor, ha ha". Kevin Kelly is laughing about sexual assault. What a cunt.

Cedric Alexander vs Kazuchika Okada

Corino says this is MUST WIN for Alexander. So when he loses, then what? He'll retire? Dang, ROH can't even afford Okada Bucks. Now, I'm used to Liger looking like a chump in the US, and Kushida sucks anyway, but Okada looks sad to be there. He also looks so out of place in this small, dark ring and arena full of cunts who sit their women three rows back from them. The idea of Okada being third match on the card at a ROH show is hilariously stupid. Michael Elgin is higher on the card than Okada. Okada gets drop kicked right in the god damn face. Hard. Cedric, this shit is a work. Cedric looks a little puffy. Is he on the gas? I'll leave that up for you to decide. Does ROH even have a drug testing policy? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL THE FUCKING LIGHTS WENT OUT. That's the most ROH thing possible. They finally put some money into the lighting and they blow up. Fucking embarrassing. And hilarious. God. That's just amazing. And it killed the crowd, who now are worried about this happening for the rest of the show they paid twice as much for  as a normal ROH show. LOOOOOL HOLY FUCK IT HAPPENED AGAIN! Holy fuck. Low rent as FUCK. God damn. Even the IWA DS show could keep the fucking lights on. ROH is...ROH. It will never not be ROH. Cedric Alexander is at least wrestling like this is the biggest match of his career. Too bad ROH is fucking him over by not being able to keep the lights on. For Okada, this is basically like facing a Young Lion in the G1 or something. For Cedric, this the biggest opportunity of his life. And ROH can't keep the lights on. Oh look, another GTS variant. Seems like everyone on the indies and Japan has a GTS move. Cedric continues with those ultra stiff dropkicks. Dude isn't going to get a trip to Japan giving Okada a concussion.  RAINMAKE...er for the win. What a weird call from Corino. This COULD have been something good. Too bad ROH had to fuck it up by not being able to figure out how lights work.

Announcers go over the next match. Who in the fuck keeps walking in front of Corino, casting those brutal shadows? Christ.

Roppongi Vice vs The Decade vs The Addiction ROH Tag Team Championships

Is RPG Vice's theme song done by the Lonely Island? I'm still not over BJ's music being titled "Emofarm". Hey, Kaz shaved his head. Good for him. He's come home. Now maybe he and Daniels can stop being such dadboners. They're on that Chris Jericho level of embarrassing uncle. Half of this match is former TNA/WWE guys. The NJPW representation in this match are a guy who regularly wrestles in ROH and a guy who has been in NJ for like a month. Chris Daniels probably has more NJPW experience. Corino keeps trying to tell stories about his time in Roppongi. He's clearly just making them up and Kevin doesn't want to hear any of them anyway. "BJ Sucks" chant. You see, it's a joke. Because this guy is named after a dick. You know what look shitty no matter who does it? Standing moonsaults. Why do 8 people in ROH do them? Boy, there is just nothing going on here. Just skip to the shitty tower of doom spot and end this. End this shit. Please. RPG Vice's finisher is that reverse piledriver thing EZ Money used to do with a springboard dropkick...to the hip. How the fuck does that add any impact to the move? If anything, that fucks up Trent's balance. Kaz steals the pin. Titles retained. Kyle O'Riley comes back and attacks team TNA...and they immediately throw to the replays while the announcers are screaming to go live. Lol.  He attacked live, then they cut to replays, then back to the attack. 

We get to see highlights of Steen vs Nakamura from last year's show. On the big screen. Not a video package for people viewing the IPPV. A kind of zoom in on the screen in the flea market. Why are indie shows so weak that they need intermissions? Fucking losers.  They end up showing the whole match. What's the point of intermission if you're going to show a match the whole time anyway?

ACH vs Shinsuke Nakamura

Let us hope that ROH doesn't shut the lights off during a match people match actually want to see. ACH is so short. Wtf. He's like as tall as Danny Bryan. MAYBE. He's billed at 5'9" which means more like 5'6". ACH has had a bad day. He missed his flight, got lost, couldn't get his luggage into the country, so he's wearing some random local's gear. On the biggest night of his life. Corino and Nak have some HEAT, apparently. I didn't notice until now, but the bottom rope is extremely loose. This briefly breaks into a dance off. ACH won it with the MJ Special. ACH does a lot of unnecessary back flips and whatnot. His knees are going to regret that. I wish dudes would stop going to the floor since you can't see anything out there. The handhelds are too bright and the hardcam/crane is too dark. Nak's charisma is fathoms above everyone in ROH. Combined. Now, ACH had the best match at the 13th Anniversary PPV with AJ, which leads me to believe that he can be carried by a great opponent.  During a long series of kicks from ACH, the screen flickers and blanks out. Of course. ROH can't make it through and important match without some kind of production botch. ACH steals some of Nak's taunts and moves, which he did against AJ as well. Maybe that's his gimmick. Nak is just too good to be in an ROH ring. Come on, dude. LOL wtf stunner from ACH. This gets a "Stone Cold ACH" chant. I don't understand why every match needs comedy spots. You have like...one or two matches with comedy spots, or one full comedy match. But this show has had goofy comedy spots in every match for no reason. Indiewrestling, I suppose. Lol, more screen flickering. Nak wins with a single Boma Ye, which shows you how low ACH is ranked. Nak was going half assed and still was so far ahead of ACH. ACH just couldn't compete. Does Toronto have good coke?

Jay Lethal vs Tetsuya Naito ROH Television Championship

Poor Naito is about to job to Jay Lethal. Fans seem pretty mixed on Naito. I mean, he does have a horrible fish face, but he's pretty good. Certainly better than Jay Lethal, who appears to be packing on the pounds. He's billed at 230 pounds, which is lol, but he is starting to get thicker around the midsection. I wonder what kind of production error is going to happen in this match. I feel bad for Naito. He had a Dome Show main event taken from him and now he's going to job to Jay fucking Lethal. I believe an actor from As The World Turns is sitting in the front row. I think he plays a doctor on the show. I wonder why the fans are so far away from the ring. I've never seen the guardrails so far away from the ring. It's like 10 feet away. So strange. Lethal has a spot where he does three suicide dives in a row. All three look weak as shit and have no impact. There is nothing going on here. Can't say I'm surprised, considering this is a Jay Lethal match. Jay Lethal is a dude with wins over Kurt Angle, Ric Flair, ADR, and Jushin Liger. If someone can explain this to me, please do. Does he spend a lot of time on the casting couch? Does he have dirt on every booker? If there was ever a dude completely undeserving of one of Ric Flair's last matches (and I don't even like Ric Flair that much). These two have one of the worst strike battles I've ever seen. No impact, yet selling like death. To silence. Boy, this is not good at all. Lethal Injection for the win. The worst finisher in wrestling. Title retained. Poor Naito. Poor me. This sucked a fat one. No production errors that I caught, at least. 

Michael Elgin vs Hiroshi Tanahashi

Who in the fuck booked this? Why is Elgin booked for ANYTHING?. That dude is 1000% garbage. He's terrible at everything wrestling related. Bad at wrestling, bad at talking, terrible look. I swear his music has a line that says, "shit for brains". A female fan appears to spit in his face. Lol, they play Tanahashi's and Elgin's themes at the same time. ROH really can't do everything right for more than 12 minutes at a time. It's kind of amazing. Imagine John Cena wrestling in BJPW or something. Lol, Elgin is billed as an inch taller than Tanahashi despite Tanahashi being a solid 3 inches taller. Man, even the Toronto fans don't give a shit about Toronto born Michael Elgin. Seriously, why does he keep getting booked? Anywhere. Ew ew ew at Tanahashi having to wait around for Elgin to get into position. Elgin is a piece of shit. He really is. He sucks at everything and has proven himself to be a whiny cunt with a massive inflated ego on social media. And he can't even wrestle within his gimick and body type. Why does he do shitty flippy stuff? He's supposed to be a Mark Henry style wrestler. Imagine Mark Henry doing rope hanging flipping leg drops. What is it that he brings to the table? A lot of pork products? Does he eat his own kind? This is trash. Michael Elgin is the worst part of ROH. Worse than the awful commentary, the constant production issues, worse than the Kingdom, worse than Jay Lethal. Corino and Kelly literally stop watching and calling the match to look at a shirtless fan and talk about Jamie Dundee. That's how great this is. Elgin is controling the pace, and his pace is that of a hard shit. Michael Elgin, the dude who lost his shit over other strong wrestlers doing strong wrestler spots, steals John Cena spots without a hint of irony. Lol at Elgin sandbagging on a power neckbreaker on the floor. Pig faced fuck head. I hope they pay Corino and Kelly extra to not shit on him. Although I would pay them extra to spend the entire match talking about how shitty he is. Was that supposed to be a double clothesline spot? God damn, that looked like shit. Elgin then fucks up catching the Slingblade, making Tanahashi look like a goober. 3 big spots within about 4 minutes that Elgin has fucked up. Even Elgin's gear is low rent as fuck. Looks like a default template CAW. Tanahashi wins with a frog splash. Elgin is just the worst. 


ROH All Stars vs Bullet Club

Lol, half the BC are ROH regulars. I mean, I really doubt Festus was someone people were dying to come in. The ROH team is the Briscoes, War Machine, and Roderick Strong. Doesn't seem very all stary. Why is Jay wearing a gas mask? Fucking weirdo. 2sweet4me. Did CM Punk bequeth his kick pads to Festus? Remember when people totally bought into him actually being a super underrated big man who just wasn't give a chance? Lol. Note that in the NJPW/ROH supershow main event, all 11 men (including the ref) in the ring are white Americans. Of course, this breaks down into a bunch of brawling on the floor right from the start, meaning you can't see shit. Who are these viking pieces of shit? Oh good, the dive sequence happens in the first 4 minutes. Man, Festus might actually be the worst thing in ROH. I don't know if he counts as he's just a dude making a special apperance, but he's terrible. I think he's actually worse than Karl Anderson, who is a true sack of shit in the ring. Strong and the Bucks run through some of the most choreographed shit I've ever seen.  Christ. Can't these dudes at least pretend they're having a pretend wrestling match? Team ROH should be Team Beard. Strong looks very out of place without a huge and gross looking beard. Ray Rowe looks like Anderson's brother who spent some time in a Russian prison for human trafficking. The other viking dude kind of looks like the Mountie after 3 years in in the mountains eating nothing but whole elk. AJ is 100000% the best dude in this match. It's not even close. He's so far ahead of everyone. Lol at Mountie Beard's shitty cartwheels. Why is he doing that instead of running into people really hard? Lol, 5 way superkick. It looked awful. I don't think Festus even got his foot above Mount Beard's naval. That's the belly button for those uneducated ROH fans that might be reading this. The Bullet Club has been the worst part of NJPW for like 3 years now, so I'm not surprised that a match with them and some shitty ROH guys isn't very good. Get yer shit in: The match. Instead of an ROH vs NJPW theme (which sucks because NJPW dudes are leaps and bounds ahead of ROH guys, so it really isn't a competition), maybe they should have done something like half a card of ROH trash and the other half special NJPW matches. You know, like how most joint shows run. I don't think it is possible for Strong to slap his leg harder and more obvious when doing kicks. There have been about 4 spots where one or two dudes land on everyone else on the floor. This isn't even a match. It's basically been a battle royal for 10 minutes. No tags, ref isn't doing shit. No regard for the legal man. Just finisher spam everywhere. Team ROH pins a Young Cunt after a finisher rush. Bleh. Lol, the replays show Blond Buck doing a big twisty dive onto 9 people and they all miss catching him. Wonderful. They also show superkicks coming nowhere close to the targets. AJ and Jay have a stand off after the match. Jay Lethal runs in and attacks both of them. Listen mother fuckers, I will NEVER take Jay Lethal seriously. Not ever. You could have him beat the Undertaker, Brock, Austin, Rock, Inoki, Baba, Andre all in a row and I ain't buying that shit.

 

This show wasn't very good. While the production values did look better, they still had errors in almost every match, including the lights going out TWICE in one match. Commentary is still trash. The NJPW guys out classed the ROH guys in every possible category. I'm pretty sure Okada/Tanahashi/Nakamura could do better promos in English than Strong/Elgin/Lethal.  The only matches kind of worth seeing are the Okada and Nak matches. Everything else is bland as fuck or straight up trash. Elgin should never be booked again. He got the biggest singles match of the show and under delivered like Peyton Manning in the playoffs.  And in the process, he managed to make Tanahashi look shitty. Still, two solid matches is a huge step up from 100% trash of the last ROH shows I've watched. So I guess that's good.

 

Instead of watching this show, watch this video of Nakamura showing a kid pop group how to be coke fiends. It's MUCH more enjoyable: