IWA Deep South Carnage Cup VII 2/26/11 NSFW or Life

 

****DISCLAIMER****

This show is horrible and has a few truly disgusting and horrific scenes. It is NSFW or life. 

 

TO THE BACK. The show opens with a backstage promo of  guy saying he's thought several times what the fuck is he doing here. I feel the same way. Oh, he's SHOOTING on some guy who "bitched out" of the tournament. The next guy talks about coming out of a trailer in Alabama and has two words for ya: Someone's gonna get Fukt Up. Neil Diamond Cutter? Lol. The only impressive dude is "the Smooth Savage", until he takes his sunglasses off and reveals that his eyes are uncomfortably close together. A dude from CZW berries the whole tournament and everyone in it. Then a dude named "Jimmy Feltcher" is super creepy and disgusting and is going to try to fuck the little boy Pinky Sanchez. "You smell like Michael Jackson's asshole. BACK UP!" Pinky gets into a fight with a bag during his promo. Wow. 6 minutes of rapid fire promos from the combatants has already left me queazy.


Chris Dickinson vs Jonny Mangue Thumbtack Insanity Match

Well, Mr. Dickinson comes out of a door labeled "CLASSROOM 3" already complaining about the lack of a reaction. What kind of school signed off on this? Please tell me this isn't a school. Please.  Dickinson gets right in the face of some redneck who actually appears to have bigger arms than him. In one corner is a propped up table. One has cider block. One has a wiffle ball bat that appears to be wrapped in barbed wire. In the center of the ring is a little box of thumb tacks. Mangue comes out with a long wig that rolls off when he rolls on the gym floor. Dickinson reminds me of Fandango. SMOOTH and Jumbo Fisher are the commentary team. They have the accents of two men calling a deathmatch tournament in Alabama. The last corner had some light tubes. WTF, NPR reference 40 seconds into the match. "This is quite impressive." Speaking about the crowd turnout. These guys also apparently have thumbtack covered kickpads. Dickinson is  also apparently an internet sensation. I've never heard of her. Mangue takes a light tube to the back. After a headbutt, the announcers say it is in Mangue's genetic disposition to deliver hard headbutts. He's at least of partially African descent, you see. "Who wants this shit?", asks Fandango. "You know, I didn't realize that we're missing the UFC fight tonight. Pretty upset about that." LOL. These announcers are killing me. This dude is talking about Couture/Machida in the OPENING MATCH of this giant deathmatch tournament. Just wonderful. The cinderblock is covered in thumbtacks, which is then smashed into the chest of Mangue with a chair. HE'S GOT A BICYCLE! These announcers. Baldo Bomb onto the thumb tack box. To a "YOU SUCK" chant. LOL the announcers complain about the table getting set up facing the hard cam, which they wished the wrestlers had not done. This is awful, but these announcers are hilarious. Just two smarky rednecks. Someone got called a yankee. Pumphandle slam into the tack box gets the win for Dickinson. "Fuck this shit." 

Pinkie Sanchez vs Jimmy Feltcher Carpet Strip Mayhem Match

Pinkie looks like a true scumbag. The kind of dude who would try to sell your little sister ecstasy and try to bang her. When she's 15. Pinkie spends a lot of time trying to get the audience to react to anything. Including giving a lap dance and smashing a Coke can with a chair. A lot of energy expended before the match. Very bad idea on a normal night, but especially for a tournament. Feltcher is an obese man in spandex who has a bottle of baby oil that he squirts as if he were ejactulating. He kisses a fan. He appears like he could be El Hijo El Revolting Blob. As the name of the match would imply, the corners are full of carpet strips. Lol, announcer is talking about bears and cubs. Dance off. Feltcher decides to disrobe, showing off his quite disgusting upper body. Then rubs oil on it. Worse than any of the deathmatch stuff in the first match. Now he's going to wrestle without his shirt. Pinkie uses the flip flop of a woman in the front row, which gets a "CMT" chant. Jimmy Feltcher is truly disgusting. Carpet strips to the taint! This is bizarre. Just truly strange straight from entrances. The announcer is getting very annoyed at things being thrown towards the crowd. Giant swing into the crowd! Lol at the dudes at this deathmatch tournament in button downs and polos. And some woman appears to be wearing a full length flannel trench coat. So Jimmy pours all the thumbtacks from the first match on top of Pinky, on the floor, which the announcer was not happy about. Then Pinkie puts a bunch in his mouth and spits them into Jimmy's match when Jimmy kisses him. Is this art? Can pro wrestling be art? If wrestling can be art, I believe this match would be its Mona Lisa. Jimmy sets up a pallate made out of carpet stripts between two chairs, somehow ignoring the braces meant to make such a spot easier, which SMOOTH points out and then calls him by his SHOOT name. Lol, Pinkie shatters the whole thing trying to sit on it as gingerly as possible. Jimmy tries a Vader Bomb and lands on the 2x4 braces of the contraption. This has been going on for close to a half hour. SMOOTH says he's about to go punch Pinkie in the balls for throwing a bunch of shit and hitting a fan with carpet strips. He sounds pissed. He must be the booker. LARIATOOOOO. This is...oddly fascinating. Not good by any means. But more like a bizarre Youtube video you stumbled across. It is the Rev X of deathmatch wrestling. Pinkie wins with a top rope whoopie cushion. David has conquered Goliath. 

 
Danny Havoc vs Matt Tremont Smash, Pow & B@M Deathmatch

I hope this entire match is based around Adam West Batman spots. At the very least, give me an umbrella as a weapon. Instead, it looks like the same weapons from the other matches. Extra light tubes. Now, Matt Tremont's name plate is a different name, then he tries to grab a mic and neither of them work. Tremont looks like the smaller guy in the Ascension after 15 years of trucker meth. Oh wait, I guess this wasn't Tremont and he doesn't want to do this match, so the real Tremont comes out and wrestles the match. Okay. Whatever. Or does he. This other guy appears to be wrestling anyway. His name is Billy Graham. I guess he's a manager or something. Oh wait. The actual Matt Tremont arrives. No one knows who he is. He attacks and turns heel on Danny Havoc in his first appearence.

Matt Tremont is another rotund redneck.  He hits a corner dropkick with light tubes. Now, one might say that these people are a bit, "touched". Lol, during a forearm battle (fighting spirit), someone randomly yells out, "You faggot". I mean, that kind of slur is a terrible thing, but the randomness of it was funny. This match features a goalie mask with thumb tacks, a "double stowamp" from the top rope, headbutts into light tubes, and....grounded abdominal stretches. Now, why would you BITE a light tube in half instead of break it over someone, when your plan is to jab the broken shards into said someone? The tack bat gets a lot of use, and part of it flies into the crowd. Water jug to the head! "OOOOOoooh..Jeeeesus...Christ." DDT on a VCR! A VCR. In 2011. Another fighting spirit strike exchange. Flatliner on a chair on the floor! There is a dude out in the crowd with a mask who I just have a feeling is Chris Hammerick. "Kanyon's the man. Or, he was, I guess." Too soon. RIP Kanyon OUTTA NOWHERE BANG! Well, at least there was a Kanyon shout out for a second, even if it turned into a dark joke about his suicide and the pope. Oh shit, a shopping cart is brought into the ring. Corner exploder into a shopping cart. Wrestling is weird. This is actually competent. Like, these two both know how to bump and strike and stuff.  Superplex on a shopping cart with light tubes on it. What. Danny Havoc wins. This was...weirdly enjoyable. I can handle dumb shit like light tubes and tacks. Nothing crazy so far. I'm in fear over the idea of a "saw" match later in the show.

Viper vs Devon Moore Barbed Wire Mayhem

Uguuu. Not a fan of barbed wire shit. So easy to get really fucked up. Lol at the complete lack of reactions for guys. Like, the least you could do for these dipshits is cheer when they come out. Moore immediately blatantly blades on camera. For a little mini-guitar. Not a ukulele. A tiny kid guitar. SMOOTH has references for days. "What a jackwagon." So basically, the ring is just full of shit wrapped with barbed wire. A boxing glove, boards, a drum, chairs. Senior official Jimbo implies that SMOOTH keeps leaving the booth to go fuck someone. Someone says to not get into a semantical argument over the name of the match. This leads to "I heard (name) was an anti-Semantic" remark. I lol'd. How bizarre that a deathmatch commentary team in bumfuck Alabama is the most genuinely enjoyable commentary team I've heard since the 90s. Oh this is a guitar neck wrapped in barbed wire. Well, that's just wasteful. This is boring as shit. SMOOTH is checking his texts. Lol. He and Jimbo are talking about how they don't have smart phones yet. Coleman, Alabama doesn't have 3G anyway. Lol. Why do I find them so funny? After some struggle, Viper gets superkicked off the apron and through a barbed wire wrapped headboard out of someone's room. I'm fascinated at the idea of a commentator for a deathmatch indie promotion in Alabama who listens to All Things Considered and references Seinfeld and Picket Fences. LOL SMOOTH gets called out for sounding bored as shit. Moore wins with a swanton on top of a barbed wire board. This was the least entertaining match so far. Boring as fuck.

David Day vs Neil Diamond Cutter Pits of Hell, Ladders, and Light Tubes Match

David Day definitely looks like a dude who has stolen money from his mom's purse to buy drugs. Neil Kanyon Cutter. BANG! This match STARTS with a lightsaber battle. Kanyon Cutter is blocked. This, like every other match, heads into the crowd. Hip tosses onto chairs and shit. Lol, hip toss from the top of a Coke machine through a table. These guys...suck. They're too competant, but not really good enough to be good, which seems like the worst possible thing to be for deathmatch shit. You either really need to be really shitty or really good for death matches. Is that box full of weed? Already sick to shit of light tubes. Like, how the fuck is anyone supposed to care after the 19th one gets busted? Backdrop onto salt! DDT onto...the weed box? Idk what is in that thing. It sounded hard. I'm happy to know that SMOOTH's cousin is a trained EMT and is in the building. Oh I think that weed box is actually full of broken beer bottles. Give me shittier guys, please. Either shittier or way better. This shit ain't doing it. "Big fat paycheck" is what you get with the Carnage Cup. Pit of light tubes is propped up against propped ladder. Lol, diving curb stomp into the salt pit. Why is there a kid there? That kid can't be more than 12. Probably shouldn't be at a death match show. Although really, no one should. Neil Kanyon Cutter wins after a running falcon arrow into the tube pit. BANG.

John Rare vs Spider Boodrow SAW Death Match

The final first round match. I initially thought this was a saw match, like the tool. Instead, this is based on SAW, the movie series. Which is infinitely worse. Multiple gusset plates. SMOOTH decided not to do commentary for this match. Chairs covered in razor blades. I'm already uncomfortable with this. A bat with push pins.  Oh. They're just razor boards. This shit. How much do these people get paid? How much to people pay for tickets? Does Smart Mark pay for the rights to a show like this, or is it the other way around? What the fuck this mother fucker has a box cutter. NO. NO. NO. This dude's arm just starts gushing what appears to be black blood. What the fuck. A BUTCHER KNIFE. What. What. What. What. What. Lol at the promotor just handing weapons and shit. He actually gives John Rare some tape to tape up his opponet's arm. The same one he fucking stabbed with a box cutter. Michinoku Driver from a ladder through a razor boad table. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ZOOMING IN ON THAT HOLE IN HIS ARM? FUCK. UGUUUUUUUU a side slam off the coke machine through a table which had nails sticking out of it. The match is stopped and the paramedics are called, I believe due to blood loss of the dude who got stabbed in a fucking artery, but also probably because his head bounced off the floor on that slam. QUIT ZOOMING IN ON THAT FUCKING HOLE IN HIS ARM. FUCKING BRONSONLEE YOU LITTLE CUNT. FUCK. GOD DAMN IT STOP. Then the replays have SLOW MOTION ZOOMED IN accounts of the stabbing and blood pouring out. Man, fuck this. The replays of the dude's head bouncing off the floor were probably worse.

TO THE BACK. Spider is being attended to by what appears to be random people, while some guy asks if he can take a picture , buddy. Spider just wants some super glue.

Phil Macchio vs Jeremy Flynt

Just a straight match. Why does this dude doing a Karate Kid gimmick come out to Fight To Survive instead of You're the Best Around? Come on. Dipshit is confusing movies. That last match really ruined my day. LOL at Macchio. "Ready? Come on! *Under his breath* Help me." Followed by a terrible kick spot. The Crane Kick doesn't work. "What the hell was that?" "It worked in da MOOOVEY!" There is no commentary for this for some reason. Ralph's man tits are all fucked up from just a few chops. This sounds like very rough gay porn without commentary. "You kick like my dead grandma", yells some woman in the crowd. Fucking LOL. Somehow this is more garbage than the actual garbage wrestling. I've put on like 50 pounds in the past 2 years and haven't lifted in as long and I'm pretty sure I look better without a shirt than either of these guys. The Karate Kid goes down to chris Nowinski's finisher. Trash. Not even fun trash. Just awful, boring trash. So trash it didn't even get replays.

 

Danny Havoc vs Devon Moore Light Tube Doors and Light Tube Boards Match

Our first semi-finals match. Seems bizarre to not shower up and clean up the cuts from your first match. Yes. This literally is just doors with light tubes. Devon gets really pissy at the announcers for not announcing some stipulation...which SMOOTH says is because they made it up without informing the announcer. Lol, this starts with chain wrestling, which leads to SMOOTH bringing up his hatred of Mike Quackenbush and Chikara. Lol. I hope he just shits all over him for the rest of the show. Fuck Mike Quackenbush. Dude is the most indie indie wrestler of all time. Holy shit, dragon suplex with a light tube. So dumb. "Ian Rotten can burn in hell." "First time I've really said anything negative about him. I really hate that guy." Lol. Havoc has a massive cut on his back. The ref is thrown some tape to patch him up. And then the ref doesn't do anything with it. That cut is awful. Lol, they're trying really hard not to talk about Ian because Ian Rotten talk would ruin the show. So many light tubes. So boring. Light tubes are shitty. What is the point of putting them on a door? Havoc wins in pretty short order with a DVD onto a door covered in light tubes. His back is ALL fucked up. God damn. The wound is actually much bigger than the dude's arm from earlier, but not just spurting blood everywhere. 

TO THE BACK. CLOSE UP OF LARGE SHARDS OF GLASS BEING PICKED OUT OF HAVOC'S BACK FUCKING CHRIST FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS.


Fandango vs Pinkie Sanchez Fans Bring The Weapons Match

I hate this show. I hate wrestling. I hate my life. Please. Fuck everything. God. I have sinned in my life. I don't believe my sins are deserving of this. Why did I pick this? I should have done some research. What is the audience for this shit? Who wants to see close ups of shards of glass being picked out of someone's back? Who WANTS to see guys getting stabbed in the arm for real and nearly bleeding out from it? Who are these pieces of shit? How do they act in everyday life? Do they have jobs? Do you think they have office jobs? Do you think there are completely innocuous, middle aged white guys in button downs and ill-fitting Dockers who go to deathmatch shows in rural Alabama on the weekends? Do you think they take unused light tubes and tacks back to work with them? LOL the merch table got fucked up and the women at it were so pissed. SMOOTH shit on them for it, too. Some weapons include a pool floaty with toothpicks, a waggon full of light tubes, more light tubes, more light tubes, some more light tubes, then some light tubes. SMOOTH gets pissed at Pinkie shoving a SMV camera man. I have a feeling Pinkie isn't going to get booked again. Now they're openly shitting on their pay. Lol. These announcers. SMOOTH can not hide his disdain for how often the wrestlers keep doing stupid shit near the fans or doing things on the opposite site of hard cam so they can't see. Now they're talking about the Arab Spring. Fandango uses a toilet seat wrapped in barbed wire. Pinkie responds with a dragon dick screw. The armory guy seems to be getting upset about the amount of blood leaking in the locker room, but they don't give a shit because that asshole walked in front of the hard cam. I wonder what goes through the minds of the people who brought their kids to the show. Do they think that their young child needs to see this in order to become a man? Do they think it's like letting them watch a horror movie? LOL Fandango stomps on a light tube and it explodes in his face. Some girl really pisses Fandango off, and he nearly exposes his penis to her. He literally grabs his dick, threatens to sodomize her with a broken light tube, and then pulled his pants down, and rubbed his dick in the ropes at her direction. We got ourselves a Japanese Table. Referenced as such on commentary. It took 3 tries, but it finally broke. Fandango advances to the finals. Or did he? Apparently there was a lot of hubbub about the pin, which was fucked up, and the match was restarted. Pinkie just starts throwing tubes everywhere, much to the audible displeasure and discomfort of the announcers. Mostly since they were flying into the fucking crowd. Repeatedly. Pinkie wins via pinfall with a figure four and a light tube smash. Fandango is NOT going to the finals. After the match, Fandango gets on the mic. The same woman from earlier gets him legit shook by yelling out, "SHUT UP PUSSY!". Someone throws a hat or something at him. 

John Rare vs Neil Kanyon Cutter Exorcist Death Match

This is 2spooky4me. I wonder what the rules are. It looks like...light tubes formed into crosses everywhere. Great. More light tubes. What I wouldn't give for a traditional Texas Deathmatch with dudes just fighting each other. No weapons. No tubes. Just wrestling until one can't get up anymore. Poor Neil comes out very, very gingerly. This starts with a fighting spirit forearm battle. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I normally want to die. This show has made me want to expedite the process. Maybe I could die in a death match. Maybe that's what this has all been about. This is destiny. It must be. It all makes now. This was meant to be. "Quit slappin' him like a pussy *muffled words*." That woman really giving these guys some shit. If we could get back to my suicide for a moment. All I've seen in this show is legitimate human suffering. I feel a bit of kinship with it. This feels like the externalization of my internal discomfort and depression. People literally torturing themselves in front of 70 people for no money. Just destroying themselves in the hopes of some kind of acknowledgment that they've "made it". That they've lived the dream. Is this truly a dream? Is this a dream someone has? Or it is a nightmare? Is it really a nightmare, or more like a punishment that can't be avoided? This seems like something you could definitely avoid, yet all these men were drawn to this armory in rural Alabama to slam each other into glass and tacks. And now, these men are pouring candle wax on each other. Into open wounds. This is depressing. Kanyon Cutter's back is disgusting. As bad as the dude from earlier. This makes me sadder than I normally am. Humans are terrible animals. Kanyon Cutter wins with a Superfly Splash. He advances to the finals. Then a HAPPY BIRTHDAY song breaks out. 

Hardcore Rumble

There is a little person in this for some reason. Just one. Light tubes EVERYWHERE for a 6 way match. This really goes to show how humanity will do anything to literally destroy itself. Men of all shapes and sizes (but not color) literally try to kill each other for the entertainment of others. The armory has literally filled up with smoke from the light tubes. Stunner! One of the new commentators does a bunch of JR impressions. This is just the worst. This is horrific. At least one of these guys is clearly not trained at all and is getting just blasted in the face and sliced open. "Oh, he's beating the retard. Good gawd!" The little person, they've decided to just start calling him Kane. Possibly the worst spine buster I've ever seen. Now they're doing ICP impressions. This isn't SMOOTH. I wish this whole building was firebombed. No one in this building deserves to live. Not the wrestlers. Not the booker. Not the fans. Everyone needs to be erased. I now realize that I should have had a camera on my face watching this whole show. "This announcer sucks dick." LOL. Oh my god. This shit. "Corey's pissed, he's throwing shit at fans." "They're working a rest hold in the middle of a battle royal?" Kornerstone wins. 

Chrisjen Hayme vs Freakshow IWA Deep South Heavyweight Championship

Have I mentioned how much I want to die yet? One time I tried by taking like 15 sleeping pills, but then it made me sick and I ended up throwing up and didn't die. And now, about 7 years later, I'm watching this shit. If only it had worked. All the shit I never would have rewatched. All of the shitty coworkers I never would have had to work with. All the money saved on booze. Damn. I'm going to have to try that shit again. Maybe something stronger than sleeping pills. I could get a gun, it is Indiana and they are easy to get, but I don't know. Seems uncivilized. And messy. I don't want to make a mess that other people have to clean up. I guess if I did it in the woods or something and animals could eat my body, maybe. Just a thought. Maybe I should do something productive and donate my body to science. Is there a way to make suicide look like an accident? Maybe I should just own it. I'm sure my family would get it. If you don't understand why someone would commit suicide, you'll probably never get it. These shits sit in chairs and punch each other in the face over and over. The bar fight, as it is called. Freakshow is a very large man and his head is turning purple, perhaps the sign of congestive heart failure. The champ gets hip tossed into the crowd, which gets the reaction of a young child getting pulled away by his morbidly obese father and maybe an older brother who seemed extremely annoyed that he had to move. That's the highlight of the match. One of the "smart marks" is being an "asshole" and tries to fight with Billy Graham. You know, it's probably Billy "Gram". "If that mother fucker wants to take away from the show, he needs to be out of here." That dude was probably just lashing out after nearly 4 hours of this garbage and the hatred he has for himself and humanity to be there in the first place. Ascension dude sprays mist on the champ. Then one of the dudes from earlier came out and hit a powerbomb. Freak Show hit a full nelson slam on a chair. New champion. Okay. Swerve. I guess. Lol, Ascension guy tries to cut a promo after the match and the mic keeps fucking up. This is such a shit show. You can't hear him anyway. It'd be easier to hear if he didn't use a mic.

Some woman gets fucking HEATED during this promo. Now this dude is talking about psychologist talking about the gay subtext in wrestling, but he credits Chikara because they have no homosexual subtext. It is in fact SO GAY that it should be called the Gay Wrestling Federation. Even most of the Alabama crowd were like, "really, dude?". Now he's saying something about Ian Rotten. I believe he's SHOOTING, friends. That "asshole smart mark" is back in the "arena" after this shithead literally begs for someone to hit play on the CD player so their music can hit. Some non tournament dudes show up to try to end this promo. This is a SHOOT situation, friends. Some 70 pound dude in a Papa John's shirt tries to talk some mad shit. The three dudes hit the ring and are beaten down by the heels, who are apparently taking over, bros. SHOOT style. 

Neil Kanon Cutter vs Pinkie Sanchez vs Danny Havoc 100 Light Tubes, Tables, and Scaffold Match

Kanyon cutter can literally barely make it to the ring.  Mr. Tremont from earlier and the never ending promo ends up replacing Danny Havoc. He immediately pins Kanyon Cutter with a piledriver, leaving this to actually be a singles match as the main event. An announcement is made that Danny Havoc is on his way to the hospital. You mean...just now? Light tubes everywhere. Again. "I think we have a fuckin' glass factory out here." Very professional commentary. LOL Lowe's had light tubes on sale, which is why all of these matches have light tubes. A FREE NICK GAGE chant briefly starts up. Good news, guys, he's now free at the time of this review. Pinkie wins the Carnage Cup.


This will be my last review. I will be killing myself shortly after this is posted. Good night, and good luck. Cunts.

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