ROH Supercard of Honor IX 3/27/15
Now, my last experience with ROH didn't go so well. Maybe this will be...is this being held in a pole barn? This looks like that meth lab that IWA MS used to run in.
ACH vs Mark Briscoe
Speaking of meth, Mark Briscoe looks like the kind of guy you'd see on the news for being busted having a moving meth lab in a Walmart bathroom. Where the fuck are they? Seriously, is it in a barn? It's nice to see they haven't improved their lighting at all. Now it looks like they have mini sun in the building that appears to devour ACH for a moment. I swear, any random ROH show from 10 years ago looks better. Shadows everywhere, the sun shining directly into the cameras, sometimes the mat looks gray and sometimes it looks black. You literally can't see some spots due to the sun blotting everything out. Fucking horrendous. This company is owned by a television network. The production levels of this are worse than random no name indies in the middle of Kentucky. Fucking brutal. Steve Corino isn't on commentary, but Adam Cole is. Who doesn't show up until about 5 minutes into the match. And despite this not being a live show, Kevin Kelly is still fucking up every other word. Adam Cole sounds like he's coming back from having his wisdom teeth removed. This is genuinely pathetic. Besides the AWFUL aesthetics, watch these two blow a spot and do it over to a chorus of boos. What's worse is that ACH was trying to just roll with the botch, but the veteran Briscoe decided to force him into redoing the spot. ACH has a move where he runs all around ringside just to do a weak head scissors from the apron. He loses all of his momentum once he climbs up on the apron, so he's just wasting all of his energy running around. Did this guy not take physics in high school? Adam Cole delivers the driest color commentary I think I've ever heard. He sounds like he just woke up and is reading from a card. "Redneck kung fu." All that is is Mark Briscoe doing really shitty and weak looking chops. Is it a comedy spot? Lol, even the cameraman at ringside looks bored and it is only the opening match. This match has absolutely no story and hasn't even had any real spots or sequences. Now, at the 13th Anniversary Show, I thought ACH was in the best match of the show, but that was clearly 100% because of AJ Styles. Why is Mark in the openers when his brother is the champ? Does that homophobe have no pull in the company? Mark wins in the middle of a roll up sequence. No setup, no story. Dog shit already. And I came into this with the intention of not being as hard on ROH this time.
Michael Elgin vs Frankie Kazarian
Elgin's robe looks like he's been sleeping in it for 3 months. Iron that shit, son. At the same time, Kaz's jacket is 2 sizes too small for him. Did he forget that he's gained 40 pounds since 2003? He also went bald, but he refuses to acknowledge that, either. If this is a "super card", why aren't one of the alleged best teams in the world in a tag match? Like, against another great team. Not in a singles match with a half pig who thinks he's super strong by lifting 175 pound men. Did Kevin Kelly have a head cold while recording commentary? Nothing Elgin does looks good. He looks like he's frequently struggling to remember his match move for move. Kaz still works shit like he's the X-Division champion in 2003. But now he's nearly 40, has a hair cut like a dick head, has serious love handles, and is much slower. Why does ROH look so fake? LOL at Kaz fucking up a simple roll up. Dude couldn't even do a sunset flip and roll up to his feet. Slap your leg a little harder, Elgin. Wait. What the fuck was that? Was Elgin trying to do a double stop? An ass smash? He just jumped in the air and slapped his legs. Completely missed. Looked legitimately laughably bad. So does his running corner clotheslines. Michael Elgin is terrible. This dude was ROH champion for a while, right? What the fuck, ROH. This dude is dog shit. I mean, Kaz is a dude I didn't think was special even a decade ago and he's worlds better than Elgin. At least there is a bit of story. Elgin has focused on Kaz's neck for most of the match. That's it. Kaz randomly stops selling it whenever he wants to do some flippy shit that looks bad. Elgin wins with a powerbomb. Chris Daniels came out to check on his buddy after the match. Elgin hit him with a super weak plastic chair shot. Lol. Elgin is just so shitty at everything. I can't believe that dude pulled some ego power play on Twitter like he was some great talent. He might be the shittiest dude in a major indie. Is his gimmick supposed to be some ironic thing that he's supposedly super strong, but all of his offense is weak as fuck? Dude looks like he's in a perpetual state of wondering where he's going to get his next plate of poutine. What a sack of shit. Also LOL at he's so big and strong, yet the senior referee is about the same size as him.
Tommaso Ciampa vs Moose vs Caprice Coleman vs Cedric Alexander vs Matt Sydal vs Andrew Everett Six Man Mayhem
Well, I'm sure this will be full of solid psychology and intelligent wrestling. When did everyone in ROH get streamers? Once upon a time, that was reserved for incoming Japanese talent or really big main events. So far, every single person on this show has had streamers thrown for them. Ciampa went from main eventing the 13th anniversary to being in a random 6 man spot fest at the next big show. Sydal: From University of Phoenix Stadium to a casino lobby in Vegas to a pole barn in California. All because he loved smoking synthetic pot. This Everett dude looks like shit. Bad, long stringy hair, skinny fat, and pasty. He and Sydal trade flips to nowhere for no reason. Well, I guess there was a reason and that reason was to clap for each other about how athletic they are. Some true circle jerk shit even by indie respect spot standards. Adam Cole with the expert analysis by letting us know you aren't beating one person in this match, but five. Kevin Kelly can't keep all the black dudes apart. Three black guys. How can he be expected to tell them apart? What is this one inch punch shit? Is this Chikara now? Oh, it must be, since it gets sold about a minute later. What the fuck. Dumb as fuck. Everett and Moose have a hilariously bad exchange. Those two together look like the beginning of a cuckold video. They do another spot where Moose is supposed to catch a dive and turn it into a powerbomb. Well, he forgot to do the catching part. But don't worry, Cole and Kelly pretended he totally caught the dude while sounding like the echo got too much in the bathroom they recorded commentary in. I'm pretty sure Kevin Kelly just insinuated that fans from all over the world are actually from Northern California. You know, I didn't think anyone could be worse at color than Steve Corino, but at least he has some excitement in his incredibly whiny voice. Adam Cole could not sound less interested. Now I know who Everett reminds me of: A pre-Japanese steroids Adrian Neville. Except not as fast or athletic. Great production error of just skipping a spot entirely. Lol. God damn, this Everett dude is doing flippy shit like a Euro dude doing wacky Euro mat shit. And it looks awful. Finisher spam ends with Sydal winning via SSP. "Six man mayhem never fails to disappoint." LOL. Kevin Kelly is an idiot. That got through an a post-produced show. It's not like a live slip up. Commentary wasn't done live and had to be edited, yet no one noticed that. That's some TNA shit.
Jimmy Jacobs vs BJ Whitmer
Oh fuck. I can not believe Jimmy Jacobs has been hired by WWE for anything. But writing? Jimmy Jacobs storylines almost single handedly got me to drop ROH in the first place. Both guys come out crying and hug before the match, then start punching. Adam Cole clearly was coming back from the shitter when he dropped a few lines. He wasn't even close to the mic. Lol. Terrible. Jimmy throws a bunch of chairs into the ring, because psychology. Now, if you're about to go to a job with a real company, why would you spend your last night trying to kill yourself in a barn? LOL one of them just dropped the mic or headset. This is so low rent. I've seen those 2002-2003 IWA shows that look better. It's staggering how what might be the second biggest promotion in the US can look so shitty. I thought the PPV looked pretty shitty, but fuck. I sure don't see the genius of Jimmy Jacobs. He's 150 pounds and doing spears and Raven spots. Wait. Why does Jimmy do a jumping backwards cutter from the ropes when that is basically Jay Lethal's finisher? Adam Cole decides he's done with this shit show and leaves. Good for him. Jimmy's "Oh yeah I forgot I'm supposed to be selling" look is amazing. Like...shit dude. Try to get a little more into character. LOOOOOOOOOOL a stage hand has to help Jimmy get a table out from under the ring because it was taking him too long. And then had to help him get the table into the ring because it was too big for him. Christ. It's not like he's selling from being so tired. The match is only a few minutes in. The table is just too big for him. Maybe let the fully grown dude get the table then. And Jimmy does another spear. Mind you, he's billed at 185. He's likely closer to 160 pounds. And this is a serious move. "Genius." He's so small he can't even put Whitmer through a table when jumping from the top. It's not because it is a Japanese table. In fact, it looks pretty flimsy to begin with. It's because Jacobs is fucking tiny. He does it from the top to the floor and it still barely breaks. Needless to say, this match has no story at all. It started with, "uh, let's get all the weapons so we can just skip to the big spots". Well, it makes a ton of sense to take a brainbuster on an open chair when the only thing WWE hired you for was your brain. BJ Whitmer looks like an earth worm. Just throwing that out there. Boy, Kevin Kelly is even worse by himself. His, "Nooooooo" while wanting a spot not to happen was like that dude from Troll 2. Incredible. Whitmer wins with an exploder onto open chairs. "Thankfully, it is over." Lol. Does Kevin Kelly have any idea of what he says? I forgot to mention that Steve Corino's son, Colby, is BJ's "young boy". And he could not look like more of a shit head. He attacked Jimmy after the match, only to be thrown from the ring by Lacey, who inspired the shittiest storylines in ROH history. And that shitty song he wrote for her just happens to be cued up. LOL at the ONE GUY pulling his phone out to get the light up. ONE GUY. Jimmy leaves through the crowd, walking out by a white guy with corn rows and a Pimp B shirt, an obese man in a Misfits shit, and an obese man in a Samoa Joe shirt.
Christopher Daniels vs Roderick Strong
Kevin Kelly tried to sell Daniel's back from the earlier attack in the show. Daniels of course comes out not selling it in the least and dancing all over the place. Is that his gimmick? An older dude who dances for no reason? Aren't dancing gimmicks the kind of things ROH fans shit on WWE for? Why are they so excited for Kaz and Daniels then? That's literally the only character they have. Kevin Kelly is talking about the situation with Adam Cole as if people are just tuning into the show. This isn't live, pal. This isn't even TV. Poor ref has his head erased by the sun in the barn. ROH was always about finding and developing new talent. Yet this show has most of the card populated with guys who made their names 10 years ago and are now TNA cast offs. Daniels suddenly sells the back. You're telling me a body slam that he performed hurt his back, but all that dancing didn't do shit? Strong is the blandest fucking dude. No personality at all. He actually seems to have LESS personality now than he did a decade ago. Daniels, despite always being talked up as a great personality and talker on the indies, also has almost no personality at all when he wrestles. Unless you include random dancing. He hasn't changed it up one bit since the FIRST ROH show. I wonder why these fans don't chant "Same old shit" at him. The sun again comes into play, making it impossible to see what is going on. Who the fuck is the editor for ROH? Who picked all those shots? These fans don't seem very impressed. Is Strong supposed to be a heel? Is Daniels? Both are just...there. I mean, the dancing could be cocky heel or fun loving face. Strong is impossible to even project something onto. "This is wrestling" chants for a superplex. In 2015. Strong wins with a liontamer. I guess to say something positive, this at least had some story and no botches. That's a start.
The Kingdom vs reDRagon ROH Tag Team Championships
Just have Maria come to the ring and look hot for a few minutes. Drop these dudes with her. I'm excited for reDRagon to do a bunch of overly complicated and brutal tag team moves, only to finish with their least impressive double team move. UFC fighter Tom Lawlor accompanies reDRagon. Lol. Ronda Rousey is doing segments with The Rock at Wrestlemania, and this shit is amped to carry the titles of indie champs. God damn, Kevin Kelly is awful. He has this habit of talking himself into a hole by saying something stupid and then trying to dig himself out of it and then just giving up and dropping it entirely. And then he just goes silent for long streches at a time. Which is fine, an improvement really, but also weird. WTF. Mr. Maria decides to take a phantom kick and comedy bump for no reason. After Kevin told us how intense this rivarly was. Some more Chikara shit. Amazing to me that NJPW thinks either of these teams are worthy of bringing in. Why do reDRagon, the clear fan favorites, keep being weird and creepy towards Maria, a married woman? The guy who isn't married to Maria. He fucking sucks. Skinny fat, slow, bland as could be in appearance. Wtf. Mr. Maria also does Austin comedy spots. What is this shit? They BOTH do Austin comedy spots. There is nothing going on here. No story, no heat. Nothing. Of course they have a strike battle, because they're NJPW vets. Again, the editor needs to be fired for all the shots with the sun blinding and erasing things. This is legitimately putting me to sleep. When I was a kid, I had a Coliseum Home Video tape that had a 10 minute Warlord vs Jim Neidhart match and some 20 minute IRS match that I would watch to fall asleep to. This match reminds me of those. Not even Maria can make this worth...anything, really. Just 4 white guys pretending to be real wrestlers. How the fuck is Fish blown up when he's barely been in the match? Tom Lawlor steals Maria and carries her to the back, with implications from Kevin Kelly that he might rape her. I wish this was anything else. It might be the most apathy inducing match I've seen in years. I think Kevin Kelly is randomly nodding off during this. I haven't heard an announcer so disinterested since the 1970s. He doesn't even call half the match. Just stays silent. Oh hey, another guy doing a shitty spear. At least Mr. Maria isn't 160 pounds. One of those red masked dudes run in and attack Bob Fish. He fucks up. Of course, the ref never saw any of this because he was just hanging out on the floor for an extended amount of time with the non-legal men instead of paying attention to the in ring action. Fish wins with a Falcon Arrow. Titles retained.
Jushin Liger vs Jay Lethal ROH Television Championship
Now, Lethal again gets a big chance with much bigger star for some reason. Even though Lethal kind of sucks and none of these matches are helping him or his opponents. Plus, Liger is 50 years old. Dude doesn't need to be wrestling in a pole barn against a Macho Man impersonator. LOL Cole is back and says Lethal might be the best wrestler in the world. At the last big show, Lethal beat Alberto Del Rio in a pretty bad match in the lobby of an Indian casino. ADR looked sad as fuck over the entire situation. Liger has a mask, but you can't hide that body language. Liger doesn't give a fuck about this match. He's 50 and has been in the sold out Tokyo Dome multiple times. This is a barn with some of the shittiest lighting this side of early PWG shows. Does ROH not bring their own ropes to shows? Every show I've seen of theirs in the past few months have different ropes and turnbuckle pads. Do they just find some smaller indie and borrow them for the night? Do they steal them? They probably steal them. That seems like a shitty ROH thing to do. Probably stole those lights from a construction site, too. None of the ring stuff even matches. The ropes are blue, the pads are black, the turnbuckle covers are red. Liger should have retired at least 5 years ago. He's good for those shitty opening 6/8 man tags NJPW has on every show, but not much else. Just let the dude retire. Let's say Lethal wins. Is beating a 50 year old Liger all that impressive? At least ADR is in his prime. Liger hasn't been relevant for nearly a decade. LOL at Kevin Kelly talking about the "gritty" feel of the pole barn. Jesus Christ, those audio levels. About every 15 minutes, it sounds like Kevin Kelly says his lines from inside a giant glass jar. And god damn, this match is as boring as the last one. You're really stepping up in this big opportunity, Jay. All those rest holds and elbow drops. I guess this is another one of those "dream matches". What a shitty strike battle going on here. And announcing. For such a dream match, it sure sounds like they're talking in their sleep. So bad. ROH announcing is truly worse than TNA and WWE announcing. No story, no effort. Just nothing. I think I'd rather be watching that 20 minute IRS match. You know the one. The one where he has an abdominal stretch on for 15 of those 20 minutes and is sweating profusely. Liger completely no sells a dive to hit a brainbuster on the floor. Psychology. Lethal wins with that ridiculous handspring cutter. Title retained. This was boring as shit. LOL Adam Cole even says that he's seen Lethal look a lot better. Liger is probably just thinking about Waffle House and wondering why WWE never called him to do a guest spot. "THANK YOU LIGER" chant breaks out. For what? Putting the least amount of effort possible into this match? Let that old dude get some waffles and stop sending him across the ocean to job to shitheels like Jay Lethal.
Samoa Joe vs Jay Briscoe ROH Championship
I saw people saying Joe was back in good shape (for Joe). He just has his shorts pulled up higher. I guess for Joe, a pole barn is probably a step up from his last 4 years of TNA. LOL Kevin says that Joe weighed in 30 pounds over what he was actually billed at. Kevin Kelly is hilariously bad at his job. Now there are two commentators and they're still just silent for stretches. Probably good for Joe that NXT is going to be a touring brand instead of him going to the main roster. It will be okay for him to be out of shape and have subpar matches where it won't be as noticeable because those fans will look past it like they've done with Prince Devitt, Kevin Steen, and KENTA. Make no mistake, those three have definitely underperformed, but those fans are just happy to think they're seeing something special instead of OVW 2.0. Kevin, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BARN. He just keeps bring attention to how shitty the place looks, but how that represents ROH's roots. Shitty buildings, bad audio, and bad lighting represent ROH at all stages, really. Yikes. Joe can't even make it over the top rope. Of course, the one time keeping that shitty angle with the sun blocking everything isn't used. He's already huffing and puffing and sweating profusely. Joe looks about as tired and sad as ADR did at the 13th anniversary. Joe is selling this injured knee, to the point where he can't even do a knee drop, yet he has no trouble running and doing suicide dives. And running around ringside. Joe might have a stroke. He looks like he's about to pop. This is some sad shit. Remember when Joe seemed like the next big star and could legitimately be considered one of the best guys in the world? Well, now he's like the 33 year old who moves back home because he never got his shit together and is a sex offender due to drunkenly pissing at a playground during recess. This is somehow worse than the main event from the last show. If this is the Joe going to NXT, send him back. Bull Dempsy is a better out of shape dude with unflattering gear. I'm begging for some excitement from the commentators. Just a little. Well, there was a story of Joe hurting his knee early on. Jay Brisco has had NO offense focusing on Joe's legs at all and it hasn't prevented Joe from doing anything. Please end this. These last 3 matches have been SO fucking boring. Christ. Not interesting at all. Joe keeps using his bad knee in moves, so it must not be that bad. It's one of those, "I'll hit my knee every few minutes so people know it bothers me" kind of injuries. Because pounding on your injuries makes them better. Jay wins with the Jay Driller, which no doubt destroyed his balls since Joe landed on them and not the mat.
I genuinely came into this looking to give it a fair shot after being pretty harsh on the last ROH show. But man, this show was awful. The production is really inexcusable. Those blinding lights created terrible shadows and were literally so bright you couldn't see anything going on from that angle. Dudes heads would just disappear into the sun. And the editor decided that'd be a great shot to use over and over and over. The commentary has plenty of screw ups and echo issues despite being canned and not done live. That means someone decided to leave in Kevin Kelly accidentally burying the 6 man match and Cole coming as close as he could to saying the Lethal/Liger match sucked. Then there is the venue itself, which I really think might be a pole barn. It looked so trashy and Kevin Kelly trying to cover it by saying it gets back to ROH's roots didn't help.
As for the wrestling itself, yikes. Two matches on the entire show had a story of any kind, and those were the Kaz and Daniels matches. That's not to say they were good matches. Although I guess Daniels/Strong was the best match on the basis that it had some story and they didn't botch anything. Everything else was bad. Michael Elgin might be the worst dude in a major indie. Everything he does looks awful. Everything. He's truly terrible. The main event had Joe seemingly working a match and story with himself that Jay Briscoe wasn't a part of. I can't believe ROH still has a fan base with so much bad wrestling, announcing, and production. The idea of ROH being the proving ground and launching point for new talent is dead. Over 75% of the roster used have been around for at least a decade. IN ROH. I don't think I can ever watch one of these shows again. It's so bad.