ROH 13th Anniversary Show 3/1/15

 

 

Christ. Indie doesn't mean "unprofessional and play the pre-show count down with live mics and announcer trying to hype the crowd". That's not something that should be seen by the home audience.

And then the opening video shows a bunch of guys who moved on and got jobs with a real wrestling company. Steve Corino doing the voice over work is garbage. I refuse to believe all these punks working for hot dogs actually own their own suits.

Kevin Kelly botches welcoming us to the show. You're off to a great start, ROH.


Cedric Alexander vs Matt Sydal

Why does Sydal, former WWE Superstar get a negative reaction? Is that one of those bad acoustics/audio editing things that happens to Daniel Bryan so often? Matt Sydal/Evan Bourne is a dumb ass. He could have been at WM this year if he just would have smoked real pot. Dude is such a shit he couldn't stay away from synthetic weed. The audio is awful here. It's like the announcers and crowd are on the same channel. And the ring sounds like explosions going off. Kevin Kelly again botches, this time fucking up giving out up coming dates. Hey, perhaps they could wait until AFTER the first match of the show to start hyping the next shows. Way to make this feel like a TV opener. This is allegedly on PPV. I don't know anyone who would buy this on PPV, but for some reason there are a handful of ROH nerds still around. I'm sure their wives would be thrilled when the bill comes in and is $35 higher because their shitlord husband bought an indie wrestling PPV. All while having the nerve to shit on Taylor Swift. Instead of talking about the match, Corino and Kelly talk about wine and hair. Not even paying attention to the match. Might as well be Raw. Great thigh slaps on a dropkick from Cedric. An entertainer he is not. WOOOAH WOOOAAAAH WOAAAAAH. Corino does his impression of Cesaro's entrance theme. Corino can not stop talking about how he was drinking all night the night before. You are in your 40s, Steve. No one thinks you are cool for drinking all night. Just call the match. This is a great match if you like seeing guys run in place and wait for someone to hit their move so they can hit their move. "This is awesome" chants. Kevin Kelly is TERRIBLE. My god. He can barely get 2 sentences out before stuttering, tripping over his words, saying the wrong word, or just stopping in the middle of a word. Sydal wins with a SSP in a completely meaningless match devoid of any story or flow. Sydal could be in the IC ladder match at WM this year. Instead, he's in the opening match of an ROH PPV that 6000 people will see. Cedric's "I'm upset over this loss" acting is terrible.

 

Is this show IN a casino?

A hype video on Moose airs. I feel there is something racist about naming a big black man, "Moose". Can't put my finger on it, though. This segues into a Mark Briscoe promo. Is he a member of Al-Qaeda?

Plenty of audio errors all over the place. Is every shot going to start with a sweep from one of the chandeliers?

Moose vs Mark Briscoe

So Moose played football. He has a lot of terrible tattoos, but luckily you can't really see them. Why does Mark Briscoe, a redneck Al-Qaeda member, come out to proggy metal sounding music? Moose wrestles in what appears to be Saved By The Bell Jordans. I wish Kevin and Steve would just stop talking. Moose shamelessly steals Okada's corner dropkick spot. Then he shamelessly steals Cesaro's swing into the guard rail spot. You know, these fans have seen Cesaro and Okada in person. They shouldn't be cheering this trash. Moose looks like David West's less TMF cousin. Really nice that ROH hasn't figured out how replays work. They try to replay a fall away slam to the guard rail. Instead, they miss action in the ring and don't even show the impact of the move during the replay. Then the announcers get confused and try to cover it. It's pretty easy to see why ROH hasn't grown much in 13 years. They still haven't figured out audio or video. Mark shamelessly steals the Cactus Elbow. Fucking thieves in this ring. Moose wins with a spear, shamelessly stolen from Roman Reigns. Ridiculous.

 

Oh boy, the Young Bucks hype their best of DVD. Is it just one match? Because they have the same match over and over.

LOL they play a pre-roll of upcoming dates and the audio doesn't even play for the first 10 seconds. Christ. Get your shit together. Isn't ROH OWNED by a television station?

The Kingdom vs The Addiction vs Bullet Club

"The internet darlings"? FUCK YOU. The Addiction are fucking NERDS. Christ. Doc Gallows was detained at the border for drugs, so Karl Anderson had to wrestle this by himself. When did Kazarian get tits? Nice gut, Egg Man. Does Daniels still wear eyeliner for no reason? I can't tell since all the blue lights make him blend in. Can't even see him in half of the camera angles. No one is even paying attention to the Kingdom since Maria isn't out there. Kaz and Daniels still trying to work like they are in X-Division matches from 2003 is sad. They're older, fatter, and slower. Kevin Kelly makes up a word: Comfortibility. Look at all this lack of story. Isn't it wonderful? I like that the ROH announcers can't even pretend that ROH is on the same level as NJPW. In the US. NJPW is more popular than ROH in America. Kaz needs to shave his head. You're bald, dude. That hair cut isn't working. So much finisher spam to polite applause. Then "this is awesome" chants. This is not awesome. Not a thing awesome about it. How many fucking dudes do spears and superkicks in ROH? The Kingdom pinned Egg Man with a spike piledriver. So, are they internet darlings or not? You're giving me conflicting reports.

Roderick Strong vs BJ Whitmer

Two dudes who weren't good enough to get jobs at a bigger place. Unless this is supposed to be a "throw back" kind of match. The pre-match video shows why. God damn, those are two TERRIBLE talkers. Why would you ever want to be known as "Mr. ROH"? That's something from your high school year book that you'd want to make sure none of your later friends ever saw. LOL BJ's theme is called "emofarm". Holy shit. And Roddy's music is called, "A Victim, A Target". Christ. Jimmy Jacobs is also still around. Fuck. I saw a reddit thread saying Jimmy Jacobs was excellent and everyone that ever worked with him said he was incredible and had a great mind for da bizniss. Not good enough to get a job with any of the big companies while so many of his colleagues (Alex Shelley, Seth Rollins, Luke Harper, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Chris Hero (before getting fat), Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn) have gone on to big promotions making big money while he's still stuck working ROH and sub IWA MS indies trying to scrape up enough money for drugs. This match again has no one paying attention to the action, and instead just rambling about shit with Jimmy Jacobs. I wonder who made the decision to light the ceiling to look like a bleeding blue screen. Man, this sucks. No one is into it. BJ kicks out of the "sick kick". That's really the name for that move? Jimmy Jacobs brags about all of his brain damage and times he's been knocked out while fake fighting. I'm not sure that is a good thing to brag about. Roddy wins with the same move Cedric Alexander did to Matt Sydal, and also did the same flying knee Sydal did. Do they just not protect moves at all in ROH? Every match has had a superkick and spear.

 

Maria Kanellis vs ODB

All this body and sex shaming of ODB is gross. Maria says she can't have the match because she's pregnant. It was all a SWERVE and she hit ODB with a furry title belt. LOL at ROH marks cheering a Diva Search woman after all their "We're about real wrestling" shit. ODB does a fall away slam into the guard rail, which was a spot in a different match. Come on, is there no over sight at all in match lay outs? I wonder who will do a spear in this match. Mr. Maria started with a superkick on Mark Briscoe. And then MARIA does a superkick. Of course. And then Mr. Maria superkicks Maria. And she kicks out. "Maria isn't pregnant, but I didn't know ODB could fly." I'm not sure how those are related. At all. Mr. Maria also accidentally spears Maria. ODB wins with a TKO. Is there no DQ in ROH? Because two men interfered frequently during this match and the ref didn't seem to care.

ACH vs AJ Styles

ACH? What kind of name is that? Poor AJ. He's the IWGP Champion. He's too big for this shit. WAY too big. Dude was in marquee match at WK9 2 months ago and here he is wrestling in an Indian casino in Vegas. A few minutes into the match, Kevin Kelly just randomly starts talking about Maria/ODB. Hey, pay attention to the match in the ring. Just a suggestion. This ACH fellow does a lot of cartwheels and backflips for no reason. Sucks that AJ has to get sucked back down to this indie flippy shit style of match. He grew out of this shit a long time ago, but all these indie shits have no idea how to wrestle a match without flipping and jumping around. No chill. Kevin Kelly talks about the disciplinary problems he would have if ACH was his son. It got a bit uncomfortably racist for a few seconds. I can't get over all these blue lights and how often the lights are shining directly into the hand held cameras. Again, ROH has been around for 13 years and is owned by a TV station, yet still don't have the basics of NOT LETTING LIGHTS SHINE DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA down. At least there is a semblance of a story in this, with ACH stealing a bunch of AJ's moves and being cocky about it. Oh hey, a spear. "Great camera works there. You can see it." Yes, Kevin Kelly bases the greatness of the camera work by being if you can actually see something or not. People shit on the WWE style of camera work, but ROH's is just as shitty. They do the cut on impact and ruin every move thing as well. And their hard cam isn't centered. AJ wins with the Styles Clash. Leave it to the only real star so far to bring something decent to this shit show. And it had nothing at all to do with ACH, who cries after the match. I hope it was because one of the best wrestlers in the world could only drag something, "Eh, decent enough" out of him.

 

reDRagon vs Young Bucks ROH Tag Team Championships

Bob Fish is a terrible name. I hope that is his real name, because if he came up with that on his own, fuck him. Rocky Romero has joined for commentary and of course his head seat doesn't work. No one seems to realize this. Oh hey, Bucks are doing all of their same spots in the same order that they always do them in. Why am I not surprised? One of the Four Horsewomen who isn't Ronda Rousey is with reDragon. Kevin Kelly feels it would be okay to superkick her since she is a UFC fighter and tough woman. So it is okay for two men to kick her in the face? Oh good. Superkicks. That scrawny dude taking Minoru Suzuki's arm bar in the ropes. Disgusting.  Oh hey, a spear. Of course. This match has no story whatsoever. Nothing. This is trash. Just bad indie trash. No story, tons of extremely convoluted double team moves. reDRagon win with their finisher, "Chasing the Dragon", which is a kick and brainbuster. Almost all of their regular double team moves look far more brutal. Titles retained.

 

Alberto El Patron vs Jay Lethal ROH TV Championship

"Dream match." If this is a dream match, wrestling is dead. Poor Alberto Del Rio. This dude was legitimately one of the biggest stars in the world in the past 3-4 years. He's been in title matches at WM and Summerslam. He's headlined major PPVs. He was in front of 70,000 people not even a year ago. He's a national hero in Mexico. And now he's slumming so hard to be wrestling inside an Indian casino, stealing Daniel Bryan's chant, and working for Tommy Dreamer. It's sad. It hurts to see. It really does. I mean, the ceiling in this building looks like an office building. With chandeliers. ADR is now in a casino, in a tiny ring, wrestling a dude who is most well known for a Randy Savage impression and selling knee braces on local access television. ADR also has bacne from his new steroid regimen. It somehow took ADR 40 hours to fly into Las Vegas from Mexico. Okay, Kevin. Steve Corino talks about how ADR wants to be there so much, but he doesn't look like it. He looks sad. He looks slow. He looks embarrassed. I can feel ADR's sadness. It weighs heavy on him. It weighs heavy on me. Screen randomly blacks out for a few seconds. There are dudes in masks wandering around. Del Rio probably wishes he had worn a mask so he could have plausible deniability that he didn't actually wrestle on this show. Remember, this dude was wrestling for the WHC championship not long ago, headlining shows with John Cena. Now he's struggling for the ROH TV Championship. Why does Corino scream CRASH AND BURN on every dive, even when they hit? The only dream match ROH could provide right now is ADR vs AJ Styles. Jay Lethal can't be in a dream match unless it is a match literally in his dreams. ADR looks bad in this. Like he's given up on life. He showed more fire at Tommy Dreamer's show in the ECW Arena. Think about that. Someone was more excited to be working for Tommy Dreamer than something else. Anything else. How sad. Lethal won by using a book and the "Lethal Injection", which is terrible. This was a bad match. Of course, no one mentioned the symbolism of ADR being defeated by "the book".

 

Samoa Joe comes to the ring. The camera man focuses on a JOE'S GOING TO EAT YOU sign. What the fuck. Fire that guy immediately. Anyway, Joe also looks sad to have to come crawling back to the place he started at instead of having upward movement in his career. Rah rah TRUE WRESTLING shit. Stop screaming random words, Joe.


Michael Elgin vs Jay Briscoe vs Hanson vs Tommaso Ciampa ROH World Championship

WAR BEARD? Are you fucking for real? Ciampa comes out cosplaying as Dr. Doom to zero reaction. Good god, Elgin's music is horrific. He also gets zero reaction. Elgin looks like Quebecer Pierre fucked an actual pig somewhere in the Canadian wilderness in the 80s. Briscoe is the only person to get any reaction. Do you think it is a coincidence that a public homophobe is the only person to get a reaction in this wrestling match? Typical four way trash where guys get laid out for minutes with basic moves so they can pop up for their spot and then go back to being dead. I love that Elgin bitches about people stealing his spots when all of his moves are stolen from much better wrestlers. He didn't invent the deadlift superplex. Kanyon/Saturn were doing that in 1998. He didn't invent the deadlift German or Karelin lift. He's a piece of shit who steals all of his spots and then claims people are stealing them from him. Fuck him. The ref does a Nestea Plunge. Of course. Why not. Then a group of guys in red masks known as "Knights of Rising Dawn" hit the ring and attack everyone. Then Ray Row shows up, who ever the fuck that is. He chases those dudes off. Michael "Stop stealing my movez" Elgin steals the Jay Driller. Then Nigel gets involved. Everyone gets thrown to the floor. There are chair shots. New refs. This is awful. Truly bad. Briscoe falls on Italian guy after getting hit with a kick from beard guy. Title retained. This was TERRIBLE. Holy shit. So over booked. Christ. And this crowd had the nerve to chant "FUCK TNA" earlier?

 

This was a flat out BAD show. Production errors everywhere, terrible camera work, terrible announcing, one half way decent match. The only impressive wrestler on the show was AJ Styles. The only actual ROH talent who shows any real talent is Maria. She's far and away the best promo person they have.

Smarks bitch about WWE all the time, but any given episode of Raw/Main Event/Smackdown/NXT  has better wrestling than anything on this show. ROH has announcing that is as bad or worse than WWE. Camera work that is as bad or worse than WWE. Certainly FAR more production errors. Terrible lighting. Bad audio. Terrible oversight when it comes to laying out matches, so you end up seeing the same spots and moves multiple times through out the night. I honestly can't believe people paid real money for this PPV. And then hid the bill from their wives. Trash. Do not watch.

PPV, IndieStroROH6 Comments