House of Hardcore 7 11/15/14

Holy shit.  This show intro.  A bunch of PWI pictures of ECW shows with a voice over guy who absolutely sounds like a child molester. Fuck, RIGHT AWAY terrible audio levels from the ring announcer.  He can't even figure out if the mic is on.  Fans boo the PA State Athletic Commission.  Also random graphics that came on the screen to early.  Matt Striker is one of the announcers.  Yuck. The ring is black and clearly has duct tape as patches.  Yikes.  This is going to be super fun. This is in the ECW Arena.  It's still a piece of shit.

 

Danny Doring vs Stevie Richards

FUUUUUUUUUCK MY LIFE. Danny fucking Doring?  God damn it.  Stevie is wearing a bWo shirt.  Isn't that a WWE trademark now?  Striker is already annoying me with his "announcer voice".  You know, the one that you used as a kid when playing with your Hasbros, Galoobs, and LJNs.  A "fuck him up Stevie" chant starts up.  You know you have a quality promotion when the ring ropes aren't straight.  "You still got it" chants because...they did a hip toss.  First off, Doring never had it.  Striker claims the ECW Arena is the MSG of the indie scene and then does a Dusty Rhodes impression.  Fuck this show already.  This wouldn't have been a match I would have wanted to see in 1997, and I like Stevie.  Stevie Kick that totally misses gets the win. Off to a garbage start. After the match they have their ECW bro respect moment, which I expect will happen in every match on this shit show.

Brian Myers vs Christian York

Shit.  Did AJ ever beat the shit out of Hawkins for completely stealing his gear?  The last I saw of York was his TNA run a year or two ago, which was fucking terrible.  Pretty sure Striker just asked for people to send him nudes on Twitter.  Random CM PUNK chant for no reason.  Why hasn't Joey Mercury tried to hook his boy up with an office job in WWE?  Oh.  It's because he isn't good at wrestling.  And Hawkins has tits.  He also is a mark for his own moves.  I can see why he got dropped from WWE.  This match feels like it is in slow motion. I forgot to mention how the screen changed colors for a second.  I don't even understand how that happens with 100% digital cameras.  They fuck up a backslide. York wins with "The Mood Swing", which is a power spinning neck breaker.

Hawkins gets on the mic after the match. The mic that doesn't work at first.  Of course. He won't leave the ring until someone makes him. This brings out Ricardo Rodriguez, which makes Striker burst out laughing for some reason.  He can't even say "Alberto Del Rio" and lets the fans say it instead.  Striker clearly shakes while screaming EL PATRONNNNNNNNNN!  Man.  This dude was in a title match at WRESTLEMANIA.  And now he's in this shit hole in a t-shirt and jeans.  God damn.  What a fall from grace.  And he drops an F bomb. Then another.  Then he STARTS an ECW chant.  Oh hey, the screen went green again. FUCK MCMAHON chants start up. Then he steals the SI chants.  Man.  This dude really went from working for Vince McMahon to working for TOMMY DREAMER. He puts Hawkins in the cross arm breaker.  He also said fuck a few more times.  "Al Patrone".  LOL.  That guy with Striker is even worse than Striker.

There is some shit head close to one of the cameras that is trying to get chants for Striker and "McMahon is a pussy" going.  By himself.

Vik Dalishus/Anthony Greene/Ben Ortiz vs Team Tremendous/Little Guido Maritato

So Vik is carried in like Jeeeezus and has two banging black ladies with large boobies.  Team Tremendous are...detectives.  From New York. I believe these dudes are guys trained either by the Dudleys or Dreamer.  So fuck this match from the start. Guido basically hasn't aged.  This Greene dude runs spots with the ref. Wouldn't be a shitty indie show without comedy ref spots, I suppose.  The hot ladies get thrown out, but it sure seems like at least one stayed out there. This is terrible.  Everything about this show is just terrible.  The face team has a fattie who looks like Big Bubber and IRS who can do nip ups and shit. The other team has TWO fatties, one of which is a Bam Bam Big Yellow knock off, and one who looks like Hugh Morrus Jr.  I hate this.  Everything.  The wrestling, the wrestlers, the production, Matt Striker. The ref does a moonsault to the floor while Striker pirate laughs and talks about podcasts and Pro Wrestling Tees.  Fuck. Guido forces himself on one of the ladies, pulls her wig off (Striker says, "Eh, I'd still do her") and then pins Green with an Oklahoma roll.  Fuck this. Everyone drops elbows, leg drops, and a moonsault on the wig after the match. And this shit got a THAT WAS AWESOME chant.

 

UGUUUU and now Striker is talking about the Bullet Club and 2SWEETING the camera.

Eddie Kingston vs Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards

"Eddie Kingston just found a way to SWERVE the UNSWERVABLE." Because he came out to RVD's old music in the ECW Arena.  Which Striker has to immediately explain. This fucking goober Eddie Edwards.  I hope Kingston KOs him in 5 seconds. God damn do I hate Matt Striker.  He's insufferable.  He's worse than Mike Tenay.  Worse than Michael Cole.  Worse than JBL.  Worse than King. So, in ring shit.  They're trading Three Amigos to get EDDIE EDDIE chants that never come.  Striker than brings up...the greatness of Chris Benoit.  Awkward. Kingston gets booted hard in the face and Striker again does a pirate laugh. This is allegedly an IPPV.  It feels like a house show.  No energy in the crowd or the ring except for the IDEA of ADR coming in.  And once he got there they kind of died out.  Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Edwards does THREE suicide dives in a row. This sucks.  Especially when they start trading machine gun chops in the corner and Striker again does his pirate laugh and yells out KOBASHIIIIII.  This is straight indie trash. Complete with brutal head drop that Striker...laughs at.  Is he stoned? Guess what.  There isn't any kind of story or flow to this in the least. It's just random puro spots. Straight up just trading back drops like they're Shibata and Goto or something. Neither of these fucks have bushido.  And now a slap battle.  Weak as shit slaps, too.  This is terrible.  For real. I at one time enjoyed Kingston, but this is not good at all.  It wouldn't be good even if Striker wasn't calling the match.  Eddie Eddie Eddie Eddie Edwards wins via half crab, despite there being precisely zero leg work for the entire match.

We get to reminisce on all the people in the Arena Hall of Fame, which includes THE FANS.  Oh.  That's some horseshit.  That's why indie crowds are terrible.  But at least there was a Zandig reference.

Alex Renyolds vs Lance Anoai vs Tony Nese

Lance is Samu's son.  He looks like a bootleg Uso.  Think about that.  Tony Nese at least is in shape.  Striker has plugged Lucha Underground at least 3 times tonight.  How about you promote the promotion you're working for right now, you cunt. Man fuck, the USOs look like bootleg Usos.  And this dude looks like a bootleg bootleg.  Shit.  He even does the UUUCEEEE OOOO chant.  Christ.  Striker compares one of these dudes to both Gino Hernandez and Nick Bockwinkel.  Full on indie bullshit from the start.  Random rolls and flips for no reason. Being a bootleg Uso, he fucks up a dive. Nese is in shape, but he wrestles like an indie asshole.  And this Renyolds dude reminds Striker of Brian Pillman.  What?  In what way is this dude volatile and crazy?  Doing flippy spring board arm drags makes you out of control, I guess.  Striker is reading his Twitter during the match.  Somehow he's even worse without the WWE system holding him in check.  THAT FUCKING PIRATE NOISE AGAIN.  God damn it I hate this.  Uso Lazy steals the gear, chant, and dive of the Usos, the ass stuff from Rikishi, and the Rock Bottom and People's Moonsault from Rock.  But he's just having fun, and that's what this business is all about.  He eliminates himself missing a Superfly Splash.  Nese hits the other dude with a 450 for 2.  This is garbage.  People watch this shit?  Blows my mind.  I can't believe the ECW Arena crowd didn't shit all over Lance for the USO shit. Oh hey, a top rope German suplex and the dude is immediately on his feet so he can be in place for the next move which is called...Tony Danza is Dead.  Striker randomly screams out MALENKO VS GUERRERO for a buckle bomb.  Sure don't recall them doing that in any of their matches.  Spam kick outs of death moves because that's what you do.  Nese wins with a reverse super rana.  Still garbage.  This show has not been able to rise above garbage even for 30 seconds.

Matt can't stop reading his Twitter ON CAMERA.  While calling some dude out for calling HIM out. Now the other guy is reading Twitter and some fan gave 5 stars to the last match.  What in the fuck?

Killer Elite Squad vs Team 3D

Bulldog Jr. cuts a promo on Davey Richards being a pussy. "That's carny for he's scared to step in the ring with KES." CARNY.  YOU GOT FIRED chants. Lance starts talking when the Dudley Boyz saunter out.  Striker with the call: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuckkkkkk YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaahhhaaaahhhaaahhhhhhhh!" God damn.  And now he's saying he doesn't know if he can curse.  But he just said fuck. So now we get a Dudleys promo.  Well, a Bubba promo.  Only one f-bomb. Obviously, a brawl immediately starts.  A very boring, half speed brawl. It's fucking sad to see the Dudleys still having to skirt around trademarks a decade later.  Dudleys win with a double powerbomb through a table on Archer.  This 100% sucked. Lol, Dudleys return to the ECW Arena and don't even do a 3D.

God damn, they go for the intermission, which has Stephen DeAngelis forget his lines about 4 times, and he's doing this while Striker and other dude are talking on camera. Can't hear them at all and they have no idea what is going on.  This show is so unprofessional. And now Stevie joins the announcers and Striker bails. It basically turns into a shoot/ECW circle jerk for the whole intermission.  

 

Austin Aries vs Drew Galloway

Well, something that might not suck.  But considering how shitty everything on this show has been, I except it to suck.  Fans immediately chant 3MB at Drew. LOL Drew's body reminds Striker of KRONUS.  That fat piece of shit.  Are you kidding me?  The body of tall, slender, defined Drew reminds you of fattie, 2 AM BBQ eating Kronus?  These fans are garbage.  They're like...half assed 2014 ECW fans. Aries does all of his normal spots, which Striker calls incorrectly. That's not the cattle mutilation at all, dick.  It was also not a shout out to Daniel Bryan.  He's been doing that chancery submission for over a decade. If you're going to be the super smarky IWC announcer, you should at least know the names of moves. This also feels like it is in slow motion. No energy to this show or anyone on it.  "Drew's game plan seems to be working." He doesn't appear to have a game plan.  He's not really using his size, he's not focusing on a body part, he's just doing random stuff.  He also does Sheamus' chest pounding move on the guard rail, which Striker "pops huge" for.  And now Drew randomly does a Fargo Strut.  Aries grabs Drew while on the apron and rams him back and forth on the turnbuckles for what feels like an hour.  Then he does a bunch of ear ringers in a row, which makes Striker start singing the American Males theme. I legitimately hate Matt Striker.  Wouldn't feel bad in the least if he died tomorrow. Drew does a reverse Alabama Slam, which I guess is cool. One kind of cool, I guess, thing on the entire show so far. Aries wins with a brainbuster, complete with Japanese accent from Striker.  I wish I had started a counter of how many times he's used a Japanese or Spanish accent, how many insider references he's made, how many pirate laughs, how many WOWs, and how many NICEs. 

 

Tommy Dreamer vs Booby Roode Old School Extreme Rules Match TNA Heavyweight Championship

This is billed as Beulah's LAST EVER WRESTLING APPEARANCE.  Surely she's had a few of those by now. She's still hot, despite definitely looking like a middle aged mom.  No issues from me. Roode is replacing ECIII, who was injured before the show.  What happened to Roooooo's final boss theme?  That generic butt rock is garbage.  Rooooooo cuts a pre-match promo trying to both get heat for being in TNA AND against Dixie Carter at the same time.  And then kisses Dreamer's ass. Hey.  Tommy Dreamer is FAT.  He's got a FAT ASS. He's also slow. And bald.  And slow.  Holy shit is he slow. When announcers have to cover it with "He's being methodical", that means you are slow and boring as fuck. And in response, Roooooo has to go slow as fuck. The fuck, Striker is using the "As X rolls on" shit on a live indie IPPV.  If he was going to do that, he should have done it right before intermission. This is every bit as bad as you'd expect a Dreamer match in 2014. Rooooo misses a blockbuster, which Striker seems to think was an attempted senton. Velvet Sky shows up to low blow Tommy.  This leads to an awkward cat fight. Beulah is like...45 and not an athlete any more.  She then grabs Rooooo's balls.  Tommy hits the DDT, which doesn't end the match. I wouldn't put it past TNA to give Tommy Dreamer their title on an indie IPPV, though. He brings out a barbed wire board.  CW Anderson shows up and hits a spinebuster.  And then Sandman comes out. Sandman actually looks pretty good.  For Sandman, I mean.  He's in his 50s I believe. That he's alive at all is a victory for him.  Sandman gets superkicked.  Then Spike Dudley shows up.  Striker drops a really obvious Breaking Bad reference and then makes sure to tell you it was a Breaking Bad reference.  I guess people would probably believe that Spike really had been cooking up meth. Rosita is also there and does a moonsault on Dreamer.  Dreamer piledrives her. Dreamer loses after a DVD on the barbed wire.  Title retained.  GARBAGE. INDIE RESPEK after the match. I don't know why.  That match fucking sucked.  Terrible performances from everyone.

Dreamer tries to talk after the match.  His mic doesn't work.  TWICE. And you know what he does?  Puts over TNA.  Lol.  He goes on to give his life history, brags about banging Beulah a long time ago. He also apologizes to her for putting wrestling first. This is weird.  Now the twins come out. WHAT A MOMENT! Now Beulah gets to say her goodbyes to a bunch of shit heads that were chanting for tits and fire 10 minutes ago. "You get into this business for that." Striker was talking about...banging a hottie and having twins.

 

Hardy Boys vs Young Bucks

Listen.  This show is so shitty that I'm genuinely excited and relieved for a Young Bucks match. Much like Tommy Dreamer, Matt Hardy is FAT.  Striker wants to start a superkick drinking game. Matt Hardy and Matt Buck start the match. I hope Matt Buck sees his future and tries to avoid it. Matt Buck is quite disrespectful.  To be fair, I'm not sure Matt Hardy has been worthy of respect for many years. The Jeffs are tagged in. Mirror image spots.  Plus SUCK ITs.  So many dicks would be sucked at this point. Hey, remember when Jeff Hardy was going to main event Wrestlemania?  Now he works for Dixie Carter and Tommy Dreamer. The first superkick is on Matt.  It gets a SUPERKICK chant. The second one hits Jeff as he's trying an Asai moonsault. Why do we live in a world where Bobby Heenan can't speak, but Matt Striker is allowed to call all kinds of shows? God is a cunt.  That's the only explanation.  Jeff Buck gets his knees up on the swanton. Looks like it hurt him a lot more than Jeff Harvey.  This seemed like it was going to have a mirror match type of story at the start, but it quickly devolved into random moves.  No focus of any kind. It's not even a veterans vs young...bucks kind of match.  It's just a standard I do a move you do a move pose SUCK IT kind of match.  More superkicks. "You don't see the Young Bucks have too many miscues." I'm pretty sure every match they've had in NJPW has at least one spot where one of them superkicks or knees the other on accident. The Bucks almost win with a superkick/Twist of Fate/Swanton combo.  Which Striker calls, "a great sequence". Not even like a great series of moves, but in the "that was a great spot" kind of way.  Couldn't be a Bullet Club match without ref bumps and weapons, I guess. Jeff lands full weight on the swanton because he doesn't even try to protect his opponents anymore. The Hardys try their version of More Bang For Your Buck.  Well, Matt took 7 minutes to get to the top rope and Striker, despite being such a huge BC fan didn't realize that's what they were doing. Also, the fans booed because it took Matt so long to get to the top rope.  Another ref bump. Superkick party on Matt. Bucks win with More Bang For Your Buck on Matt Hardy. 

 

Matt tries to cut a promo after the match.  The mic doesn't work. I believe he's putting the Bucks over. The Bucks superkick them.  Then the Dudleys show up and attack the Bucks. Lol, why couldn't they do the 3D in their own match, but can do two after the only kind of sort of okay match on the show?  The Dudleys don't like disrespect in the ECW Arena. Bubba talks about Twittah, riots, and wrestling needing a change.  Wait.  You're telling me an ECW nostalgia show with heavy TNA involvement is "change"? God, more of that fans circle jerk from the wrestlers.  This is why indie crowds are so terrible.  "House of Hardcore is something different." It literally is not at all. They bring Dreamer back out. And then Sandman comes out. Show ends with a beer bash.  ECW shits have been doing this for 14 fucking years.  "Change." "Revolution."

 

Genuinely one of the most miserable shows I've ever seen.  This is garbage the whole way through. Production errors everywhere, way past their prime ECW dudes for nostalgia pops, shitty young dudes, TNA/NJ guys going at half speed, a dead "sold out" crowd. Just a lifeless, listless crowd, with Matt Striker being perhaps the single worst commentator I've ever heard on a show.  More annoying than Mike Tenay, Mark Madden, and Rob Bartlett.  Absolutely horrible. I can say without zero hesitation that the Young Bucks were the best thing about this show, and I hate the Young Bucks. I can not honestly believe people pay money to see this trash.