WWF MSG 6/3/91

Smash vs Ricky Steamboat

This is right at the end of Demolition's run. Ax was gone and I think Crush was also gone from the company. So what we get is a really out of shape Smash still trying to carry the gimmick on until he's forced to cover up with a body suit for the Repo Man. Ring crew fucked up tonight and put the blue rope at the top rope and red rope as the bottom. The announce team for the show is Brain, Gorilla, and JIM NEIDHART. What the fuck? Definitely not listening to the audio from this show at all. No fucking way am I listening to Anvil talk for 2 hours. In addition to fucking up the rope colors, the ring crew also forgot to tighten the ropes. They're like 70s loose. Steamer goes after the arm and continues to work it for a few minutes. This is not good at all. Smash is straight up fat. It was so weird when he showed back up in 1998/1999 WCW and was in WAY better shape than he ever was in his entire WWF run. Smash gets on offense with some neck cranks and throws Dragon to the floor. Slam on the floor. Must have sucked for Steamboat to go from classics with Flair in the NWA to coming back to WWE and doing opening matches with a tag wrestler in a singles match. Long sleeper spot. It's a bummer to see a boring/bad Steamboat match. Steamboat comes off with a crossbody from the second rope to the floor. Didn't look good at all. And right after that, Smash suplexes Ricky back in and was back on offense. Until he runs into the corner. Steamboat wins with the top rope crossbody. This was not interesting in the least.

Koko B. Ware vs The Warlord

Such majesty on Warlord. Weirdly, Warlord gets a jobber entrance, while Koko gets a full entrance. I don't think Koko ever got to show his real talent like he showed in Memphis. He was good. I think if he had been a few inches taller, he probably would have had a bigger push in WWE. God damn it Warlord is fucking massive. I feel like his torso is wider than I am tall. He uses his power to throw Koko around, so Koko comes back with eye pokes and wacky speedy stuff to frustrate the big man. That huge muscle gut is moving awfully hard for being 3 minutes into the match. Warlord no sells a lariato and follows it with a big boot. Bear hug. And I thought the last match was boring. Koko made a brief come back with a missile dropkick, but Warlord wins after a Hot Shot. Garbage.

Jim DOOGUN vs Col. Mustafa

Fuck this show. Holy fuck. Best thing Piper ever did was cut the bullshit and call Sheik out of changing his name and trying to fool everyone despite wearing the same boots and looking exactly the same. I can only imagine Vince in the head set screaming WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GOD DAMN, PALLY!" A minute in and I'm checked out of this. Sheiky looks like he doesn't even know how to bump anymore. DOOGUN never looked like he knew how to do anything but throw punches. But in this match, he looks like he's never thrown a punch in his life. VLAD THE SUPER FAN SIGHTING! With all the dogshit shows he paid to see live and in person, I'm amazed he always looked so happy. Adnan got involved and Duggan gingerly chased him TO THE BACK, where Sgt. Slaughter was waiting with Duggan's own 2x4. Pat Patterson shows up in Mark Henry's salmon blazer. Dogshit.

Barbarian vs Bret Hart

Finally, something that has some potential. Mr. Fuji was filling in as Barb's manager since Brain was doing color. Bret has one knee pad with his logo on it, which is kind of weird for him. He also has a logo on the back of his tights that I don't recall ever seeing him wear. The fucking shoulders on Barb. They're as big as Bret's greasy head. And delts. And lats. What the fuck, Barb legit looks like he belongs in a Conan comic. Bret is pretty quickly bounced from the ring with a shoulder block. Looked like it hit him right in the jaw and had him a bit shaken up. He tries it again with the same result. He goes for a cross body on the 3rd try, only to get caught and slammed. Barb misses an elbow and bails. Back in the ring, Bret goes after the arm. Then he gets kicked in the chest because he should be working on the legs. Barb targets the mid section, throwing Bret to the floor and ramming him into the post back first. Bret is a really under rated seller. I always thought he sold like you'd expect someone would sell those moves in "real life". He was really good at it. Sternum corner bump. Bret tries to use his speed to get some kind of advantage only to be caught in a bear hug. He quickly broke it but couldn't really build on it. Back to the bear hug. Side slam. Barb misses the second rope walk elbow. I don't think I've ever seen him land that, even in squash matches. Bret opens up with a lot of punches, atomic drop, and lariatooo. Second rope elbow. Barb kicks out. Russian leg sweep. Barb kicks out WITH AUTHORITY. I think someone dumped a drink on Bret while on the floor. Fuji trips Bret back in the ring. He then climbs on the apron and accidentally hits Barb with his cane, giving Bret the win. Brain hits the ring and he and Fuji argue and nearly come to blows. Decent. A lot better than the last two matches.

Look at this swoll mother fucker in the WBF tank top in the front row. Striations EVERYWHERE.

Bob Bradley vs Jimmy Snuka

This was in Snuka's tights wearing period. I think he was in his early 40s at this point and still JUICED TO THE GILLS. It's amazing his heart never exploded from all the steroids and coke. But Hulk Hogan is still alive, so who knows how that works. Snuka easily wins with the Superfly Splash in very short order.

Earthquake vs Jake Roberts

Jake attacks from behind and quickly hits a knee lift that seems to injure Quake's ribs. Jake tells the ref to stay the fuck out of the way, because this shit is SERIOUS. I mean, Quake killed his god damn snake. Jake uses his superior speed and frustrates Quake, throwing punches at the ribs at every chance. Quake has his ear pierced. Lol. I don't know why I find that funny. Quake gets a hold of Jake and throws him into shit while choking. him. Jake comes back with more knees to the gut and it puts Quake on his knee. DDT attempt is blocked. Oh shit, Quake is going to kill another snake! Jake catches him. Quake shoulder blocks the ring post and moves the ring. Short arm lariatooooo sends Quake to the mat! Quake wasn't down for long and was quickly back to squashing Jake all around. Lol fucking EARTHQUAKE teases a top rope plancha to the floor. Can you imagine if he had actually jumped? He would have killed Jake and probably created a divot in the floor. Jake flies back with a running ax handle and Quake goes down! Quake smashes Jake's knee, but also hurts his ribs some more. Jake rolls out of the ring before he can gets squashed with the Aftershock. But he can't stand since some giant fat ass just crushed his knee. Oh no, Quake pulls Lucifer into the ring and tries to squash him. Jake trips him up and pulls that nasty fucking MONSTER out of his bag. Quake bails the fuck out because god damn, that snake is like 9 feet long. Get that shit the fuck out of here. What the fuuuuuuuuuck. That thing is a god damn monster.

TO THE MOON. Sean Mooney talks with Fuji, who challenges Brain and the Family to a tag team match. Manager Warz! Mooney holds his mic the same way Vince does. Elsewhere, Sean speaks with Big Boss Man. He's gonna fuck the Mountie up. Elsewhere, Sean speaks with Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan. Sarge will not ever quit to Hulk Hogan as long as there is a single breath in his body. He had a really hard time getting "unconditionally" out. He stumbled over it 3 times before he got it out. Elsewhere, Sean speaks with HULK HOGAN! Hulk is wearing all camo with a USA flag bandana and what appears to be part of a paint ball mask. He also tells the fans to check their popcorn for napalm.

We're then shown clips of Hacksaw getting attacked earlier as Brain makes fun of his lazy eyes.

The Mountie vs Big Boss Man

Mountie's music is lame as fuck. Boss Man immediately starts beating the shit out of Mountie. No offense at all from Mountie for the first few minutes. Like 5 minutes straight of ass kicking until Boss Man misses a dive and clothesline himself on the top rope. OUTTA NOWHERE, Mountie uses the shock stick. Right in the gut. And he gets the pin. Nothing of note here. Mountie continues to shock the shit out of Boss Man after the match. Then it looked like a big shit on Boss Man's head.

Paul Roma vs Animal

More tag team guys wrestling in singles matches. Hawk must have been on a bender that night, because Herc was there, but he wasn't. Another short, nothing match. Animal won with a powerslam.

Hulk Hogan vs Sgt. Slaughter Desert Storm Match WWF Championship

Hulk immediately opens the match by throwing powder in Sarge's eyes, then hitting him with the title and Sarge's helmet. Whatever. At least it was actually legal in this match instead of Hulk doing his normal cheating bullshit. Now he's choking with a mic cord. Sarge is busted open and Hulk gets a Desert Storm flag from VLAD THE SUPERFAN to choke Sarge with. No mercy. Biting the wound! Hulk is vicious, but he's doing this FOR AMERICA. USA USA USA USA USA! Oh no, Sarge hits Hulk with ..a canteen? I think. I don't think it was a helmet. Now that giant American hot dogging hot dog is getting whipped like a government mule. Sarge tries a chair shot, but I guess that thing was too heavy for him and he fell backwards. What a weak bitch. Russian leg sweep. I'm pretty sure Sarge had never done the move and Hulk had never taken the move. Camel clutch! Hulk breaks it by shoving Sarge into the ring post. Sarge climbs to the top rope and slips off. Of course. He tries it again. This time Hulk catches up with him and throws him off. Double lariatoooos. YO WHAT THE FUCK Hulk just threw a fire ball! And it worked this time! Hulk has the camel clutch on! Adnan throws in the towel. Title retained. Adnan also got some powder and was thrown from the ring after the match. Some kid hit the ring with a flag and looked awkward. He got to hold the belt and was clearly shook over how heavy it was.

Nostalgia can only take you so far. Golden Era WWF feels weird when it isn't super bright and colorful. The house shows are always lit like it is still the 70s and it feels weird. Not really an interesting show. Bret/Barb was okay, Jake/Quake was fun, Sarge/Hogan was okay. Everything else was BAD.