WWE Backlash 2003

The long awaited WWE in ring debut of Goldberg.  The opening video has a whole lot of Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, and Mike Tenay audio clips.  Fuck, COACH is the first guy to speak.  Coach and King for Raw, Tazz and Cole for Smackdown.  King already rewrites history, saying that Rock did everything before Goldberg did anything.  Except Goldberg was champion and in a movie before Rock was.  

 

World's Greatest Tag Team vs Los Guerreros WWE Tag Team Championships

This is the first big test for WGTT without Kurt Angle, who is out after neck surgery.  However, Kurt is there in spirit with his giant framed picture.  Eddie and Charlie start the match.  Whole lot of chain wrasslin here.  Eddie is super over.  Random Eddie chants for him doing absolutely nothing.  Eddie tries to get a Chavo chant, but the fans weren't as into that one.  Tags are made.  They also try some chain wrestling, but it is a lot more awkward than Eddie/Charlie doing it.  Quick tags between the Guerreros.  The focus is on Shelton's arm.  Mother fuckers be cheating all up in this mug.  Great hang time on the hilo.  WGTT also cheating like a mother fucker all up in this b.  Leap frog!  Fans really don't like Chavo, but love Eddie.  They chant for Eddie, but boo Chavo for doing just about anything.  Eddie gets out of a chin lock with a Saito suplex.  POPPIN THOSE HIPS COLE.  Haas stops a tag attempt with a double leg from hell.  Eddie is working to get the tag, but Shelton cuts him off with a POPPA DA HIPS powerslam.  Eddie has been FIP for a while.  He finally makes the tag and Chavo's hot tag offense doesn't do much for the crowd.  They just don't like Chavo.  Shelton stops all that noise with a dope powerbomb.  Eddie flies in with a missile dropkick.  Three Amigos to Charlie.  ROLLIN THOSE HIPS, COLE.  Tazz has an obsession with hips.  Frog splash.  Eddie isn't the legal man.  Haas is able to kick out due to Eddie taking too long arguing with the ref.  Shelton kind of pulled Chavo off the pin at the same time, but he was a little late.  Shelton grabs Chavo's leg from the floor as he's trying a back suplex and holds on to it as Charlie gets the pin and steals the win.  Titles retained.  After the match, the Guerrero's steal the titles.  Decent enough match, but never really kicked up to that higher gear.  Crowd booing Chavo while chanting for Eddie was pretty funny.  

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TO THE BACK.  Eddie and Chavo talk about how happy Grandma Guerrero is going to be with the belts.  They hop right into a low rider and start bumping.  Elsewhere, Torrie tells Test to leave her alone, stop calling her, and stop being a creep.  If Test is a jerk, Torrie is a TEASE.  Test apparently has jerked off many times to her Playboy pictures and said pictures were a direct message to him that she wants to fuck him.  He then forces himself on her.  Sable was watching and seemed to enjoy it all.  

 

Sean O'Haire vs Rikishi

Roddy Piper comes out first, looking fat as fuck and carrying a basket of coconuts.  He introduces O'Haire.  O'Haire had such a great look.  Too bad he wasn't that good in the ring and was a bit of a huge douche.  Rikishi is ANGRY.  So angry he forgot to give his love sign to his Uso Crazy twins at home.  Kish throws some bombs until Piper distracts him.  This opens him up for a superkick.  Lariatooo.  Lot of neck crank offense here.  Fans do not appreciate it.  Not one bit.  As he goes back to it for the third time in a row, a YOU SUCK chant starts up.  I don't know, the audio sounds weird.  I don't believe the crowd is that interested in this to make that much noise.  Stink Face is countered with a leg press.  Piper enters the ring with a coconut.  Then the guys super kick each other at the same time.  Piper gets in the ring again.   Piper gets hit with the coconut.  Rikishi turns around right into the Widow Maker.  O'Haire gets the win.  Piper was busted open.  MAD PROPSPS TO O'HAIRE!  

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TO THE BACK.  Stacy is at catering, which is just some veggie plates because "the boys were hungry tonight".  Sable walks in and tells Stacy about Torrie trying to bang Test.  Stacy doesn't believe it.  World class acting from both.  Elsewhere, RVD and Kane get psyched up for their match against the Dudleys.  RVD is a bit stressed due to Chief Morely being the special guest referee.

 

Kane/RVD vs Dudley Boyz World Tag Team Championships Special Guest Referee: Chief Morely

Kane and RVD still on TV in 2014.  Bubba technically is if you count Impact as a show in 2014.  RVD and Bubba start out.  The Dudleys are forced into working for Bischoff, but Bubba seems to be more into it than D-Von.  INDIE RESPECK STAND OFF.  Of course.  Wouldn't be an RVD match without one.  Spinning wheel kick from RVD.  Mother fucker lariatoooo from Bubba to stop the back flip shoulder blocks.  D-Von is tagged in.  Lol at Coach calling RVD "This kid" when RVD was in his early 30s and older than Coach anyway.  In comes the Daemon Kane.  He and D-Von have a lot of miscommunications that Kane ends with a big boot.  Val has been calling it right down the middle so far.  Bubba is in and bumping all around with his FAT ASS.  For whatever reason, Kane and D-Von are just not at all on the same page.  RVD is back in doing his stupid back flips for everything.  Split legged moonsault.  Huge side slam from Bubba.  And WAZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP.  Fucking hated that move.  Forever.  RVD settles into the FIP role.  Which is good, because I'd rather see him doing that instead of flipping around for no reason.  Fans don't seem to hate Bubba as much for his neck crank as they did Sean O'Haire.  Unsurprisingly, RVD kicks Bubba hard right in the face and makes a HOT tag.  It's a pun.  The Daemon Tools Kane is on FIRE!  And then a hot tag to RVD.  D-Von hits him with the second rope hanging neck breaker.  Kane is in with the flying clothesline.  Bubba attempts the Bionic Elbow just to get put in the chokeslam.  Val low blows Kane!  SWERVE!  Another stiff as fuck lariatoooo from Bubba.  Third one from him.  Val accidentally lariatooos Bubba when RVD ducks.  D-Von gets pissed and beats that Big Valbowski until he pops.  Lance Storm flies in OUTTA NOWHERE with a flying clothesline on D-Von.  Bubba Bomb to Lance.  Another stiff lariatooo to RVD.  And now Bubba and Val go at it.  Did Russo book this match?  3D to Val!  Chokeslam to Bubba.  Five Star Frog Splash.  Titles retained.  

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TO THE BACK.  Stacy confronts Torrie in the YAK Locker room.  YAK FIGHT YAK FIGHT YAK FIGHT!  

 

Jazz vs Trish Stratus WWE Women's Championship

Teddy Long!  Now hold on just a minute playas.  "Ya feel me, boo?"  "I feel ya, playa.  Cuz tonight, the bitch is back and the bitch is black.  Belie dat."  I will believe anything Jazz tells me because she would fuuuuuuck my world up.  On Raw, the Dudleyz were forced to attack Trish and then Jazz attacked afterwards.  Trish uses some speed and the power of LUCHA to avoid Jazz.  It didn't last too long since that bitch is back and that bitch is black.  Lariatooo from Trish!  Glam Slam from Jazz.  Trish gets out of a titlawhirl and counters with a gut wrench.  HYPER DRIVE!  I knew Mojo had to be a Jazz fan.  Jazz unties the turnbuckle pad, which distracts the ref while she's being pinned.  Trish throws some Misawa elbows.  The handspring rana is countered into a half crab and then turned into a Boston crab, which Trish powers out of.  Series of roll ups and Trish has her own Boston crab, which she transitions into an STF!  The fuck is going on here?  Jazz gets to the ropes.  Chick Kick!  2 count.  Jazz comes back with a jaw breaker and huge dropkick.  Stratusfaction!  The BOdog!  Fucking LOL Teddy breaks it by throwing his shoe at Trish's head.  Trish throws it back and goes for another Stratusfaction.  Jazz throws her off, which Trish turns into a roll up, but Jazz drops down and holds on to the ropes to get the win.  New champion!  Match of the night so far.  That was really fun.  

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TO THE BACK.  HBK and Booker talk about being ready.  Booker is worried about Nash being ready.  Don't worry about him.  Big Daddy is Cool.

 

Big Show vs Rey Mysterio

This was brought about by Rey continually embarrassing Show by sneaking up on him and making him trip on things.  Rey doesn't seem too excited to start this match.  Maybe he shouldn't have been fucking with a giant for weeks.  He quickly frustrates Show and Show starts kicking things.  Shit gets real as soon as Show gets a hold of that little shit.  Rey tries to fight back, but it doesn't help.  He's got a chair!  Show shoves the ref out of the way and gets beaned with a chair.  Flying senton!  2 count.  619 to the gut.  619 to the back of the legs.  619 to the head.  1857!  I find it hard to believe that Tazz did the math on that in seconds.  Rey tries a springboard and gets caught in probably the stiffest chokeslam of all time.  Big Show wins.  EMTs attend to Rey after the match.  Kind of weird that they put him on a back brace, strap him down like a mental patient, but don't put a neck brace on him when they came out because of his neck.  Show comes back and swings Rey like a baseball bat into the ring post and JESUS FUCK HE JUST SMASHED HIS FUCKING HEAD FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  God damn it Show.  You just let the dude fall on his fucking head like that?  And what's even weirder is that no one acknowledges that part.  Just the being swung into the post part.

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TO THE BACK.  Lillian gets some words with HHH, Ric Flair, and Chris Jericho.  Ric Flair's hair makes me laugh.  Chris Jericho's mustache makes me gag.  It doesn't even connect.  He's trying to do a handlebar, but it doesn't connect.  Elsewhere, Torrie and Stacy are still fighting.  A box of stuff falls on Stacy's head.  Scott Steiner arrives to check on her and carries her off.  Test walks by and confronts Scott and then yells at Stacy.

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Brock Lesnar vs John Cena WWE Championship

Brock put Cena out of action with an F5 into the ring post.  Then there was a tournament for the number one contendership.  Cena cheated his way to the finals and gets his chance at revenge and the title.  Cena's rippity rap references Bruno, Sheiky Baby, Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, Kurt Angle, the Yankees, two dick references, and a joke about gay sex.  WELP, HERE COMES THE PAIN!  Barack Hussein OLesnar.  Cena attacks at the bell and gets Bork in the corner.  That doesn't last long until Brock does the multiple back breakers into a fall away slam.  Vertical throw.  Another.  Bork doing some gator rolls in there.  Brock does a fisherman suplex from a guillotine.  CENA SUCKS chants.  Lol.  At least he was actually a heel at this point.  Press slam.  Lariato sends Cena to the floor.  He's chucked into the bottom of the announce table.  Cena grabs a chair and is smashed before he can use it.  Brock goes hard into the steps.  Bork's fresh wound is busted open.  Cena on offense is so boring.  He has nothing but stomps and punches.  A shoulder block sends Brock to the apron.  MOOEY TIE KNEES!  Leg drop with Brock's head in the ropes.  Bork is posted.  Rest holds.  Chin locks everywhere.  DDT.  Bork with a spine buster OUTTA NOWHERE.  Rear naked choke from Cena.  I don't think it is a coincidence that this match died as soon as he got on offense.  Now people are chanting for Cena.  Wtf.  They booed him when he was doing something interesting (getting his ass kicked), but cheer him when he's doing rest holds?  While doing the hold, Cena does his best Fire Marshall Bill impression.  Maybe that's what the crowd was into.  Now it sounds like BORING chants.  Brock stands up and plays piggy back for a bit to break the hold.  Lariatoo.  Again.  Powerslam.  Spear into the corner.  Cena has botched 4 things during Brock's come back.  SHOOT powerslam because Cena was fucking up.  The ref almost gets hit, allowing Cena to hit a low blow for a near fall.  Throw Back.  2 count.  Cena almost gets decapitated with a double leg into the corner.  Cena grabs his chain.  His real chain.  Not his dick.  He tries to swing with the ref RIGHT THERE, who stops him.  F5 for the win.  Title retained.  Not very interesting when Cena was on offense, which was much of the match.  Dude just had nothing but stomps and rest holds.  

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Booker T/HBK/Kevin Nash vs Triple H/Chris Jericho/Ric Flair

Kliq nonsense still controlling WWE a decade later.  And then AGAIN in 2011.  YES, the 1991 WWF version of Flair's theme!  Love it.  I don't love that TERRIBLE knock off for Booker's theme.  That's worse than the TNA version.  HBK comes out in full 90s gear, with his stripper outfit and hat and all.  Dancing like an asshole, too.  This is Kevin Nash's return to in ring action after about a year off after tearing his quad by walking to make a tag.  Nash and HHH start the match.  But HHH tags out to Jericho before any action can happen.  And HBK tags in.  Some nice back and forth leading to a near fall sequence.  No INDIE RESPECK here, just a forearm to the face from Jericho.  In comes Nash.  THAT'S MY BIG HOMIE!  Jericho is sent to the floor and Nash takes a cheap shot at Flair, then begs HHH to come in.  Jericho comes back and hits Nash from the blind side.  Jericho skins the cat and turns around into a big boot.  In comes Booker.  Holy shit what a spine buster WIT DA GREATEST OF EASE.  Mother fucker got straight MOLLYWHOPPED.  Flapjack Norton.  Book gets backed into the heel corner.  In comes HHH.  King says some racist shit about Booker and really enjoys that Booker had a hard childhood and was a criminal at one point.  He gets genuine joy about it.  Spinebuster from HHH.  Flair and HBK are in.  Superkick to Flair.  Pedigree to HBK.  Jericho mocks HBK for a bit until HHH is back in.  King makes more criminal jokes about Booker as HBK is stuck in FIP role.  King is driving me fucking crazy by audible selling every strike.  Christ man.  Including WHOOOing at every Flair chop.  Hot tag to Nash.  Slams for everyone.  Big boots.  Snake eyeses.  Side slams.  All of those.  Nash counters the Pedigree.  Jericho breaks the jackknife with a missile dropkick.  Shit is breaking down here in the Impact Zone.  Ax kick to Jericho.  Spinarooni!  King claims that Booker's grandfather invented the limbo dance trying to get into a pay toilet.  The fuck?  HHH and Nash fight up to the stage area as Booker and Jericho brawl on the floor.  HBK is hit with a bulldog while setting up for the super kick.  Figure four!  Who is the legal man?  Why is Jericho allowed to be in the ring for 2 minutes with Flair and HBK?  Nash attempts to Jackknife HHH through the Smackdown table, but stops when he sees Jericho has HBK in the Walls of Jericho.  Ref bump.  Jackknife to Jericho.  HHH hits Nash with the sledgehammer to pick up the win.  This really completely fell apart towards the end.  Completely.  

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Cole and Tazz update us on the condition of Rey Mysterio.  They don't, actually.  All we know is that his vital signs are good.  We'll have a real update on Smackdown.

TO THE BACK.  Terri gets some words with Rock, who appears to be pretty coked up.  He starts by calling Terri "lemon panties" and "giggle panties" and saying the only thing he hasn't done is make a white baby.  Then making some really weird faces.  "You can wipe a cockatoo's ass with what you think."  "Hey hey hey hey, that's the only animal the Rock could think of."  He ends the promo by calling Goldberg a bald headed, whisker biscuit BITCH

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The Rock vs Goldberg

Goldberg is wrestling with a concussion due to some Rock chair shots.  Think about something like that today.  He'd be out for 6 weeks at least.  Crowd seems to be pretty split.  King takes shots at Goldberg for no reason.  Goldberg wins the opening exchange.  "Oh you are in trouble now!"  They lock up and Rock gets tossed to the floor.  BITCH SLAP!  Bill liked it!  Lariato sends Rock back to the floor.  Rock appears to be trying to get a count out.  He baits Goldberg in and hits a lariatooooo.  Rock Bottom...TO THE ROCK!!!  The spear is dodged and Goldberg goes into the ring post and out to the floor.  Sharpshooter from Rock.  Rope break.  Punch to the dick, punch to the dick!  Spear!  OUTTA NOWHERE!  But with the injured shoulder.  Powerslam.  Coach can't say Goldberg.  It sounds more like Goadbwerg.  Rock's lariatos have little effect, but Rock hits a spear!  Rock Bottom.  2 count!  Barely.  It actually looked like it might have been 3.  Spinebuster.  People's Elbow.  2 count!  Spear!  Another spear!  Jackhammer.  Goldberg wins!

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Decent enough show.  Nothing particularly memorable, but nothing bad.  Crowd was really weird during Rock/Goldberg.  Frequently were booing both guys, and then chanting for both guys, being completely indecisive.  It was strange.  It wasn't the typical 50/50 split.  The whole crowd seemed to be switching who they were cheering for every few minutes.  Actually, the crowd sounded weird all night.  I think this was from an edited DVD release and not the PPV broadcast, as the music edits were definitely a DVD/game rights issue at the time, but weren't for live shows.  I would say Trish/Jazz might have been the match of the night.  It was really fun.  Hollywood Rock was the BEST, and this night was probably his best performance as Hollywood Rock.   

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