WWE One Night Stand 2007

The one night a year when WWE goes XTREME!  Which doesn't make a ton of sense considering ECW was on every week.  ECW got higher billing than Smackdown for this show.  King starts off the show with a bang, saying he's had a lot of one night stands.

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Randy Orton vs RVD Stretcher Match

I forgot all about Orton being so much...puffier.  Also weird is seeing RVD not being a fat piece of shit.  In shape and looking like he gives a shit.  Kind of.  As much as RVD can look like he gives a shit.  Very serious tonight.  No posing, no pyro.  Just stern staring.  Oh shit, RVD tried for the finger poke of doom!  It didn't work, so he poses and then kicks before he finishes the pose.  What a SWERVE.  Another kick in the corner and Orton is already on queer street.  King wishes a concussion on Orton tonight.  Pretty awkward considering the Benoit Incident would happen in about 3 weeks.  Rob definitely whiffs on a short dropkick.  Quick angle change couldn't hide that.  Orton has had no offense.  As I say that, he stops RVD's catch a kick, do a spin kick move by just waffling RVD in the head.  RVD is coming off a concussion, so this rattled him.  RVD was very upset over Orton putting HBK out of action with the Cunt Punt, so they had a match and RVD got knocked loopy.  He counters the RKO with a kick and then goes up top, only to slip and fall to the floor.  Back in the ring, Orton hits a dope standing dropkick.  Garvin Stomp!  Big knee drop.  RVD is all glassy eyed like usually, but this time they aren't blood shot.  I never really noticed, but RVD kind of looks like a fish.  Orton hits that wacky Canadian back breaker into a neck breaker move that he pulls out once in a while.  RVD is placed on the stretcher and it falls over.  And then he starts jumping really high like Kofi to punch Randy.  Randy goes into the post.  Concussions everywhere!  Orton is now on the stretcher.  RVD does the spinning leg drop off the apron with Orton on the giant padded stretcher.  It hurt so bad.  RVD's selling is a little odd, considering he goes from completely glazed over and concussed to just fine and jumping all around, right back to comatose.  Rolling Thunder is countered with a powerslam.  Pretty dope, no doubt.  OUTTA NOWHERE, says King.  They struggle on the apron, with Orton taking a dropkick to the face and face planting to the floor.  RVD puts Orton on the stretcher and then goes for a tope.  Orton moves.  So does the stretcher.  The only part of RVD that connected with it was his foot.  Otherwise he splatted on the floor.  He hit tailbone first it looked like.  Orton muscles RDV on to a new stretcher and slowly pushes his way to the finish line.  Just before the finish line, RVD kicks Orton in the head and puts Orton on the stretcher, pushes it across the line, and wins the match.  Orton attacks after the match.  Cunt Punt from the apron with RVD standing on the floor.  Hanging DDT on the floor.  Lol at the tiny ref, "Get outta heeaaaar!".  

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TO THE BACK.  Vince and Shane talk in the locker room.  Vince is really looking forward to this match.  This is the END of Bobby Lashley.  Lashley's Last Stand at One Night Stand.  Vince feels good about that.  Vince talks about this bad feeling he's had that something bad is going to happen to him.  Like a sloping cancer.  But not about the match tonight.  Shane says it was probably just something Vince ate.

 

CM Punk/ECW Originals vs The New Breed Tables Match

Sandman!  Tommy Dreamer!  Monty Brown!  The Pope!  Matt Striker!  Some skinny fat ass!  I like Sandman's WWE music.  I also like the idea of him drinking and being on Raw and WRESTLEMANIA.  Shit, Dreamer is fat as fuck in this.  Fatter than he is now, I think.  Dreamer and Monty begin the match.  I like that Monty kept  all his moves, gear, and nick name, but had to change his name to Marcus Cor Von.  Such a weird name.  Why couldn't he just be his real name, as he was a legit athlete?  Pope gets tagged in and goes to work on Dreamer's fat head.  Sandman is quickly in and already bleeding.  Striker is in and Punk comes in to do his shitty MOOEY TIE strikes.  Dope bulldog, though.  I'm glad Punk cut his hair.  That stringy shit looked awful.  Dreamer and Punk pay tribute to DA DAMN DUDLEYS calling for tables.  Punk hits a suicide dive on Monty.  Then springboard lariato to Pope back in the ring.  Striker runs from Sandman's cane only to run right into a Dreamer fist.  The two BLACK GUYS double team Punk in the ring.  Pope does that weird Vader Bomb/elbow thing.  Sandman tries a super Frankensteiner.  Striker shoves him off to the floor and then runs into a Sky High from Dreamer.  Enziquri to Pope from Punk.  ALPHA BOMB!  Punk is placed on a table.  Monty I guess goes for a Vader Bomb.  Sandman hits him with a cane from the apron.  Dreamer hits a piledriver on Pope and places him on the table.  Punk then superplexes Striker on top of Pope to win the match.  It was definitely the CM Punk show the whole way through.

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TO THE BACK.  Edge prepares for his upcoming cage match when Randy Orton walks in.  They get very close to each other.  Orton doesn't want anything.  Because whatever happens doesn't matter, since Orton is on the biggest roll of his life.  IF Edge beats Bateaster, and IF Orton gets traded to Smackdown, RKO is coming for him.  A lot of IFs.  

We get an update on RVD: Another concussion.  Who is this giant dude behind King and JR that looks like the love child of Test and Renee Dupree?

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Hardy Boys vs WGTT World Tag Team Championships Ladder Match

King says that the Hardys are probably the greatest tag team of all time.  The opening starts with references to Willie Nelson and Bob Vila.  JR says Jeff is the oldest of the brothers.  Well, that's not true at all, Jim.  All four men grab ladders and have a stand off.  The Hardys throw theirs and hit dropkicks.  Haas is sandwiched in the corner with ladders.  Then another.  Then Shelton is thrown into the mix.  Poetry in Motion!  Whatever.  Didn't look nearly as cool as they had hoped.  Jeff climbs the first ladder and is jerked off.  Jerked right off.  Those belts are moving an awful lot.  Both Hardys climb up.  Shelton drills them both.  With a ladder.  WGTT do a double rolling wish bone into a ladder that looked so bad it drew boos.  JR makes a fried chicken reference out of the blue, which seems a little questionable considering some of the comments he's made towards black folks in the last few years.  This match has no heat.  Not from the fans or wrestlers.  Looks like we're getting a seesaw spot.  Kind of.  Shelton is hip tossed on the ladders, but then they have to reposition everything and Haas gets the same treatment.  The giant ladders come out.  One is bridged across the apron and guard rail.  Shelton gets back dropped over the ropes on it.  Jeff was going to do a Swanton on it, but Charlie popped up and did a German superplex.  Side effect from Matt.  He climbs up and is touching the titles, but gets knocked off.  T-bone exploder from Shelton.  "Pure athleticism just took over there".  WGTT do the leap frog move, but with Matt propped up on a ladder, Charlie holding the ladder, and Shelton jumping from the top of a ladder in the ring.  Charlie makes his way to the titles.  Jeff follows him and does a superplex, which makes Charlie cry.  Like a god damn baby.  Jeff climbs up.  Shelton springs up and tries to springboard onto the ladder, but slips, kind of kicking the ladder, which tips it over anyway.  Lovely botch.  Especially with the zoom in on his smiling face afterwards.  Shortly after, he botches another balance spot.  The fuck, man?  Two in a row?  Matt sets up two ladders to climb one for no reason.  Shelton climbs up and now all four men are on ladders.  Shelton botches AGAIN, this time flying over the top rope and jumping into the bridged ladder.  Matt grabs the belts as Jeff hits a Swanton.  Titles retained.  What a bad night for Shelton.  Botched everything, including the finish where he for some reason jumped off the ladder instead of falling into the ropes, so he went over and clipped the bridged ladder, almost breaking his leg and arm in the process.

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TO THE BACK.  Ranjin Singh gives Khali a mic and he says some stuff to WHAT chants.  Ranjin translates.  "Joahn Sina, I break you!"

 

Kane vs Mark Henry Lumberjack Match

Of note is that WWE doesn't have this time stamped because Benoit is one of the lumberjacks.  Along with Val Venis, Santino, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, Miz, Kevin Thorne, Chris Masters, John Morrison, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dkystra (who was wearing a fox pelt, I think), and Carlito.  The lack of time stamp is likely to be the only notable thing about this match.  Kane is immediately thrown to the floor, where none of the lumberjacks want to fuck with him.  I forgot all about Mark Henry being called the Silverback and King of the Jungle.  The same thing happens to Henry, but the group attacks him.  What the fuck kind of show am I watching here?  Shelton is in a ladder match and JR drops a fried chicken reference, then King talks about his pure athleticism.  Then Mark Henry is called a Silverback and King of the Jungle and the lumberjacks attack him, but not Kane.  This sucks.  A lot.  Kane did a dive from the top rope.  I don't even give a fuck.  This shit is boring as fuck.  Kane passed out to a bear hug.  

TO THE BACK.  Trainers check on WGTT and Hardys and the fight continues.  Someone is making Roddy Piper noises.

 

Vince McMahon vs Bobby Lashley ECW Championship Street Fight

God damn it, no wave cap for Vince.  Shane and Youmanga are with Vince.  Lashley immediately tries a dive on Umaga and almost kills himself in the process.  He couldn't even no sell it.  Don't hold on to the ropes while doing a dive, guys.  Shane throws some hammers and gets press slammed to Youmanga.  Lashley gets a few shots in on Vince before Shane and Youmanga are in the ring causing all kinds of trouble.  Shane hits a DDT on a chair.  Lariatoooo from the boss!  And another.  Vince is taking things TO THE STREETS.  He's got the bell hammer...and uses it to choke Lashley instead of hit him with it.  Now he chokes with a camera cable, which makes a little more sense.  Samoan drop.  Vince hits one of the worst spears of all time.  2 count.  Not enough crazy Vince for my liking.  Vince and Shane hold Bobby down so Umaga can hit a splash.  Bobby sits up at the last second, sending Vince in the path of Youmango.  Shane and Umaga are promptly dumped from the ring.  Lashley then beats the shit out of Vince with a chair as Joey says incredibly cheesy shit.  Running powerslam.  Umaga breaks the pin.  Lashley gets another chair.  Umaga kicks him in the mouth and then does a splash off the apron.  Shane hits the Leap of Faith elbow drop.  Nailed it.  Lashley kicks out!  Umaga goes back to work with the flying ass bump.  Van Terminator!  But Lashley moved and the trash can hit Umaga.  Spear to Shane!  Spear to Vince!  Lashley wins!  Title retained, even though Vince came out with the belt.  

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TO THE BACK.  Santino and Maria flirt with each other when Todd asks Maria about the upcoming pudding match.  Suddenly, Maria is a genius when it comes to a pudding match.  Then she's back to being stupid.  Candice Michelle pops in to ask for a kiss, which Maria gives her.  Ron Simmons OUTTA NOWHERE with the DAMN!  

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Candice Michell vs Melina Pudding Match

Melina wears swim goggles for the match.  I'm not sure I get the appeal of hot girls fighting in what appears to be a big pool of shit.  Melina taps out after being dunked multiple times.  Maria comes out to talk and  she gets pulled into the fight.  Then the ref gets pulled in.  And then the match ends with Maria's music for some reason.

 

Edge vs Batista World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match

Edge tries to run for the door right away.  Teaster catches him.  So then he tries to hop the cage.  He's again caught.  And again.  Camel clutch!  Lariato.  Northern lariato.  Vertical suplex.  Bateaster tries to leave.  He's caught with a dropkick and does the weirdest over sell.  Spear with Bateaster against the cage.  This show looked like it was going to be good.  It turns out that looks can be deceiving.  I just noticed that the ropes are wrapped in duct tape.  I'm pretty sure of it.  Bateaster Bunny with a superplex.  They fight on the top rope, with Edge falling to the mat.  Teesta comes off with a top rope shoulder block, only to be caught with a dropkick in the face.  Both go for spears at the same time and Bateaster Egg hurts himself.  A spear sends Edge into the cage.  Lariatoos everywhere.  Boss Man Slam.  2 count.  Wait, this is a pins and escape match?  Why did no one try a pin until like 15 minutes in?  Slingshot into the cage.  Tista tries to win with a school boy.  It doesn't work.  Spear from Edge!  2 count.  This is so boring.  This whole show has had everything fall flat for some reason.  Spinebuster.  2 count.  Batista Bomb is countered and Edge climbs the cage with his thong exposed.  There is a struggle on the ropes.  Edge hits two low blows, and then Batista crotches himself on the top rope.  Edge is able to climb out and retain his title.  Bateaster throws a fit after the match because HE'S A FUCKING LOSER AND CAN'T STOP LOSING TO EDGE LIKE A FUCKING LOSER.

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John Cena vs Great Khali WWE Championship Falls Count Anywhere Match

Jorts vs sweat pants.  The immortal battle.  Khali goes to town on Cena.  Kind of weird seeing Khali semi-mobile.  Just bouncing Cena all around until he misses a leg drop.  Cena goes up top, gets chopped, and casually shoved to the floor.  Cena fights back on the floor and I think dropkicks the steps.  I'm not sure what happened.  Cena then blocks the big chop, but is thrown into the crowd.  A shot with a monitor doesn't take Khali down.  FU is countered.  Cena uses the camera crane as a weapon.  2 count.  FU again doesn't work.  Now an actual crane vehicle comes into play.  FU OFF HTE CRANE OMG SUPER XTREME.  TO THE CONCRETE (that is clearly a big crash pad and you could see Khali bounce on it).  Cena wins.  Title retained.

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I don't know what it was, but the show felt extremely flat.  Nothing really came off the way it should have the whole show.  Particularly the ladder match, which was FULL of botches and no energy.  Vince also wasn't crazy enough. 

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