WWF SNME 5/3/1986
We get a run down of the card. Which sounds...special.
Vince and Bobby Heenan cover announcing duties tonight. In addition to the matches we've been told about, we'll also get exclusive footage from Bundy/Hogan at WM2.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene was able to get some words with the Funks and Jimmy Hart. During this, we're shown footage of Terry using the megaphone on JYD at WM 2 to steal a win. They all seem pretty pleased with themselves. The Haiti kid will be in the corner of Hogan/JYD, so Jimmy Hart brought in Jimmy Jack Funk.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Gene speaks with Hogan, JYD, and the Haiti Kid. JYD is wearing a Hulkamania tank top, while Hogan is wearing the dog collar and chain. I believe Hulk called the Funks, "butt washers".
Hulk Hogan/Junk Yard Dog vs Terry Funk/Hoss Funk
I have no idea why they changed Dory's name. Probably something to do with Vince hating being called junior. JYD goes to town with slams while Hulk does the crawling headbutts. Haiti Kid pulls Jimmy off the apron. Brain says he looks like a cockerspaniel with a flea collar on his head. JYD and Dory being the match. Dory is not the kind of guy I would look at and think "hoss". Terry tags in and unloads with some punches in the corner, but then runs into the ring post and falls to the floor. Oh shit, Terry gets a hold of "that dirty midget", but JYD saves him. Hulk is tagged in, to face off with Dory. Probably a dream match somewhere. The Funks do a crisscross spot trying to confuse Hulk. It didn't work out well for them at all. Was there ever a time that Dory didn't look like a grandpa? I've seen pictures of Dory from the late 50s and he looks middle aged. The Funks are so out of place in this era. This isn't full on cartoony Golden Era yet, but they're still way out of place. Terry does a Flair Flip to the floor over Dory's body. Jimmy hits the Kid with a branding iron. This sends Hulk after Jimmy, but Jimmy got away. Terry stomps on the Kid's head just for fun. JYD takes the Kid to the back, but the match continues. And JYD is back. Terry and Jimmy lay the boots to Hogan on the floor. Terry tries to throw Hulk into the crowd, but Hulk wasn't really up for that. Instead, Terry gets slammed and backdropped in the aisle way. Big boot to Dory. Headbutt from JYD. Dory comes back with a straight right and some uppercuts. JYD is about as over as Hogan. Double clothesline. Terry misses a Superfly Splash. Hot tag to Hulk. Ax Bombaaaaa. Leg drop. Hulk gets the pin on Terry. The Funks attack after the match and gang up to beat up a black midget. Haiti slaps the shit out of Jimmy and then runs away. We get a stand off with Hulk/JYD, Terry, Dory, Jimmy Hart, and Jimmy Jack. JYD's music plays instead of Hulk's. They do each other's poses. Hulk tries to do a double bicep while doing JYD's dance.
EARLIER TODAY. We got to see the official weigh in for the BATTLE OF THE BIG BOYS. Bundy officially weighed in at 468 pounds. Elmer was enjoying a MASSIVE bucket of apparently his own brand of fried pig parts. He weighed in at 430.
King Kong Bundy vs Uncle Elmer
Come on. Bundy went from main event of WM with Hogan to a match with Uncle Elmer. Vince gives a terrifying YEEHAW before the match. I don't think Elmer was actually a wrestler. This is terrible. I really don't think he was ever trained. Bundy thankfully makes this short and wins with an elbow drop.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Adrian Adonis, who is singing to a cut out of Paul Orndorff while Jimmy brushes his hair. He's also wearing a dress. Really the proto-Goldust in many ways.
TO THE SAUNA. Gene spoke with Mr. Wonderful inside a sauna. For some reason.
Paul Orndorff vs Adrian Adonis
Wonderful is on fire and throws a series of arm drags that sends Adonis to the floor. Back in the ring, Adonis goes right back out with an awkward Flair Flip. Abdominal stretch! I don't think Adrian has abdominals. Because HE'S FAT. Adrian goes back to the floor, this time with a back drop. Jimmy is pulled into the ring and press slammed over the top and onto Adonis. Airplane spin to Adonis. The fight heads to the floor and Adrian goes into the ring post. Jimmy attacks Paul and runs for his life. Adonis then gets a cheap shot with the megaphone. Vince is audibly disgusted with the eccentric movements of Adonis. ICCCCCCCK. Brain even calls Vince out on it. Paul gets his knees up on a Superfly Splash. Vince goes out of his way to call Adonis both fat and ugly. What a dick head. Why are you such a dick, Vince? You didn't call Uncle Elmer fat and ugly, even though he is fatter and uglier. The dress is ripped! Oh no! Paul shoves the ref because the ref won't allow him to continue with his hate crime. Disqualification. Vince continues to be all over Adonis for being fat, weird, and ugly. What an asshole. Vince thinks the beat down should continue, likely because homos deserve to get got.
EARLIER TODAY. Gene spoke with Hulk before the show, sitting in the empty arena. It's like a future vision of TNA. We're shown clips of Bundy injuring Hulk at the previous SNME. Hulk talks ab out not knowing what you have 'til it's gone. I'm not saying he was high, but his eyes are huge and glassy. Then we're shown clips from Bundy/Hogan at WM2.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Ricky Steamboat. It's snake vs dragon tonight. We're shown some footage of Jake and his giant snake.
EARLIER TODAY. Jake played with his snake.
Jake Roberts vs Ricky Steamboat
Jake attacks as Ricky enters the ring. DDT on the floor! Fucking gross, you could hear Ricky's head smack the floor. He's fucking out. Completely dead weight. Damian is placed on Ricky and Vince nearly throws up. I think this is sexual assault. Officials came out to prevent the snake from smothering Steamboat. Official result is no contest I believe. Interesting that Vince has the same reaction to homosexuals as giant snakes.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with the British Bulldogs and Cap. Lou. The Bulldogs are making their first title defense tonight. Lou is clearly reading from a card. We're shown a clip of the Bulldogs winning the titles at WM2. Elsewhere, he spoke to Nikolai and Shieky.
British Bulldogs vs Nikolai Volkoff/Iron Sheik WWF Tag Team Championships 2/3 Falls
Vince with that Chernobyl burn. Harsh, man. Vince was a real asshole on this show. Volkoff and Bulldog start the match. Sheik is quickly in and hits a back drop drivaaaaaaaah. Camel clutch! Bulldog immediately gives up. 1-0. Fall 2 starts with Bulldog still in and getting dominated. Hooking lariatooo from Sheiky. Abdominal stretch. Bulldog hip tosses out but misses an elbow drop. Volkoff is back in. Dynamite has yet to see any action. Ref misses a sunset flip that could have evened the falls. I'd rather Sheiky be in the whole match. At least he can throw some mean suplexes. Blassie cheats right in front of the ref. Vince straight up calls Volkoff an idiot as Bulldog scores a roll up. 1-1. As it turns out, Dynamite IS injured and that's why he hasn't been in the match. Running powerslam on Sheik. Dynamite is finally tagged in and immediately gets his ass kicked. Bulldog gets another roll up to win the match. Titles retained.