WWF Madison Square Garden 3/16/97

This aired on the MSG Network. JR and Jim Cornette handle commentary.

First off, coloring is all over the place. Some shots are straight up green.

The Sultan vs Flash Funk

Brodus Clay vs Rikishi with Kishi's future daughter in law that he might have a problem with because she's black and not Samoan. One of the camera men is clearly down with the swirl as he not even covertly focuses on the ass of one of the Funkadactyles. Sultan attacks before the bell. Rikishi's career path was so weird. He was Fatu/generic wild Samoan dude for years. Then he suddenly wears boots, speaks English, and talked about living in the 'Hood and wanting to make a difference. Then he comes back as a Middle Eastern dude who had his tongue cut out and was managed by the Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund. And then he came back as a sumo dude who shoved his giant ass into faces and danced. Scorp makes a come back with a series of strikes. A dropkick sends Sultan to the floor. He wants a test of strength when he gets back in the ring. DON'T FALL FOR IT, SCORP! I'm pretty sure long time time keeper Mark Yeaton is the ref for this. Flash tries dancing again and gets decked in the face. Scorp tries a series of strikes again, but this time gets cut off with a superkick. Fatu hits a weird twisting gut buster. Looked rad. He should have kept that as Rikishi. Camel clutch for the easy win. Black dude jobbing to a stocky foreigner? It's just like today!

The New Blackjacks vs The Godwinns

The match starts right away with the Blackjacks attacking. Godwinns come back with stereo lariatos. Barry and Henry officially begin. Press slam to Barry! This was fat, out of shape Barry, too. Tags are made. Mideon gets slammed right on JBL's jaw. Damn. He fires back with a stiff boot to Henry for it. Fucking pig farmers. One of my least favorite gimmicks. Barry distracts the ref so he can hit a low blow...which the ref saw anyway and didn't do anything about. Should shoulder block from the Blackjacks. I'm waiting for JBL to really knock the shit out of someone. He hits a series of corner lariatooos. Going back to watch old stuff, it always surprises me that Bradshaw didn't get a big push before when he did. He seemed like a guy Vince would have loved from the start. A big hoss who just knocked the shit out of people and could talk, even though he was never really given the chance. He's in here booting dudes in the head and then doing a cravat. Hot tag to Henry. God damn what a lariatoooooooo. Fuck. Showing Bradshaw how it is done. Bradshaw barely kicks out after being caught in a powerslam while coming off the top. Henry then hits a similarly stiff lariatooo to the back of the neck of Barry. Slop Drop! Barry breaks the pin and pulls some TWIN MAGIC to get the win.

TO THE DOK. FUUUUUUUCK. Michael Hayes does an in ring interview with Bret Hart. I just can't get away from this cunt. He plans to win the title from Sid in the cage and take the title to WM. Fuck Taker if he gets mad about it. He compares Steve Austin to a hyena, while he's a lion and will tear Austin to shreds. Also, he respects Ken Shamrock and Shamrock is totally cool with him.

Aldo Montoya vs Crush

I don't remember a time when Aldo was bald. I always liked Crush's forehead tattoo since it was supposed to be a real tat, but always rubbed off. Aldo immediately slaps on a sleeper. Crush gets out of it and gets pissed. Aldo hits a DDT and a top rope crossbody. He then gets hit with a Flapjack Norton and the tiltawhirl back breaker. Heart punch for the very quick win. The Nation attack and put the boots to Aldo until Ahmed Johnson comes out for the save.

Ahmed Johnson vs Savio Vega

Ahmed had chased the Nation to the back so he still got to do his entrance. And he tripped over nothing while doing it. The last time they were in MSG (2 months ago) Savio Vega SWERVED Ahmed and joined the Nation. Oh shit, Savio gets promo time. Sounds like Carlito. 'Cism my ass. He's trying to convince Ahmed to join the Nation due to Ahmed not getting title matches due to the color of his skin. He calls Ahmed a "meneureity", something Corny picked up on. Ahmed's gonna do it! SWERVE! He didn't do it! "That big johnson came to fight." Oh, JR. The big johnson misses a shoulder block in the corner. Savio hits his corner spinning heel kick. Looks like a move Kwang used to do. Wait a second. You don't think...nah. Couldn't be. Kwang was Japanese. The Superstar Line wasn't nearly as memorable as the WCW Hotline. 1-900-909-9900 is the most memorable pay line of all time. And the one that screams "We're scamming you out of money" more than any pay number. Commercial break! Seems weird since this is a house show, but it was aired on TV. As we come back, Ahmed hits a gnarly Rock Bottom. Let Me Ax You A Question Kick! Savio fires back with a kitchen sink immediately after. Old Glory sleeper! Ahmed gets out and hits a lariato. Savio dodges the ax kick and hits a superkick. The NOD put the boots to Ahmed on the floor. Well, they tried. Crush tried to use Ahmed's 2x4, but it didn't work. Savio also got the board, right in the head. Spinebuster. Pearl River Plunge. The NOD hit the ring before the 3 count to cause a DQ. A beat down ensues.

Furnas and LaFon vs British Bulldog/Owen Hart WWF Tag Team Championships

Owen and Bulldog got a backstage pre match promo. Furnas and Owen start the match. Some chain wrasslin. Owen runs the ropes and gets caught with arm drags. LaFon comes in and continues the arm work. Bulldog tags in and is also caught in some arm drags. Owen is back in and hits a stiff back elbow, sending LaFon in the corner. And then he accidentally hits That Knee That Beat John Cena on Bulldog. Owen and Bulldog argue and LaFon gives them the double noggin knocker. LaFon goes shoulder first into the ring post. Owen does..something to him while on the floor. LaFon continues to stay in the FIP role. Enziguri! WOOOOO! 2 count. Gut wrench suplex. LaFon gets out of a sleeper with a judo throw. It didn't help him at all. A big DDT does, however. Hot tag to Furnas. He's flying all over the place, jumping high and hitting hard slams and suplexes. Frankensteiner! LaFon hits Owen with a snap suplex and lariatooo. Owen grabs Furnas' foot as he was trying a suplex. Titles retained. Owen did it! All by himself!

Recap of the Bret promo.

TO THE BACK. HHH cuts a promo with Chyna, where the camera for some reason zooms in on her non-existent breasts.

HHH vs Rocky Mavia WWF Intercontinental Championship

We're shown clips from Raw. Chyna was a arrested one week and then threw some dudes around the next week. I never noticed that Rock's theme was a reworked version of his Rocky theme. HHH does some solid titty shaking. Chyna bows up to Rock and Rock backs down. Rock gets HHH on the mat, but HHH is able to easily get to his feet and curtsey. Rock doing kip ups and leap frogs and dropkicks and shit. And a curtsey of his own. Hot shot from HHH. Some stiff chops in the corner. Rock nearly wins with a small package. HHH with that IRS abdominal stretch spot. Rock hip tosses out, but his come back doesn't last long. Corny has a 1997 version of Google up for the show to come up with as many random "Things that happened in MSG" facts as possible. Rock gets sent to the floor. Chyna lines up for a cheap shot, but the ref sees her before she gets a chance to do it. HHH nearly wins via tea bagging. I'm POSITIVE HHH has tea bagged a number of women. And maybe a few dudes. He goes up top. Rock pops up with a second rope arm drag. Flair Flip! Big back suplex. Perfect Plex gets a 2 count. Belly to belly. Float over DDT. Rock is on a roll. Top rope crossbody. Chyna pulls Rock's foot to break the pin. Pedigree! Goldust hits the ring to cause a DQ. Title retained. He rears back to deck Chyna, but Marlena jumps on her back first. She lost I think both straps on her dress, but no titties for anyone.

Sunny comes to the ring. She's just out here to shill the WM13 jersey.

Goldust vs Faarooq

Oh, Sunny was the guest ring announcer for some reason. She pulls out a piece of paper. JR immediately points out how ridiculous that is since Sunny is the one that brought Faarooq into the company in the first place. And then he says someone probably wrote all that out for her in crayon, because womenfolk are stupid. WCW 1993 rematch. Ron does a pre-match promo, saying it is one thing to wrestle dead man like Taker, a colored man like Ahmed, and a white man like HBK, but he'll be DAMNED if he's going to get in the ring with a damn fairy. JR says he doesn't believe Goldust is a fairy, but doesn't at all say what Ron said was offensive or anything. What he wanted to say was, "Well, he ain't not got dang queer". There is nothing going on in this. Faarooq gets his balls busted. PG13 laughed. Lariatoooo. Finally, something happened. Scary looking piledriver gets the win, even though Goldust had his foot on the ropes.

TO THE DOK. FUUUUUUUCK. Another Michael Hayes interview?! I'm trying to stop drinking. Sid is the guest. Sid does a lot of nodding. "You're excellence of execution is definitely excellent." "I would beat you 8 days a week. That's twice on Saturday." Pretty VINTAGE Sid promo of Sid not making much sense and stumbling over his words. He also had some noticeable acne that was pretty distracting.

Vader vs The Undertaker Casket Match

Pre match backstage promo from Taker. The brawl starts once Taker finally gets his dead ass to the ring. Vader gets him in the corner and hits the Vader Rush. Taker responds with his own corner rush. Lariato from Taker. Old School. Big boot sends Vader over the top rope and onto the casket. Taker hits a full force chair shot to the back while out there. Lariatoooooo from Vader. Taker no sells it and goes for a chokeslam. Vader kicks him in the balls. He sells it. Elbow to the balls. Vader goes to the second rope. They botch the catching powerslam spot. Chokeslam. Tombstone! Taker opens the casket only to find Mankind! MAH GOODNESS. Mandible Claw. Taker is put in the casket. Vader wins! Taker popped out and beat the shit out of Mankind to end the show.

Okay, I guess. It was a regionally aired house show. You get what you get. Most of the matches were around 7 minutes.