WWF Monday Night Raw 4/26/93
I'm angry drunk and ready to shit all over Crush vs Luger.
This is a new set of tapings, so Bartlett is gone again. Brain replaces him. HBK will be here tonight.
Damian Demento vs Mr. Perfect
Why are we talking about Bartlett wearing jocks? Fat piece of shit. Like he's ever done anything he'd need to wear a jockstrap for. Damian's hair resembles the Wu-Tang logo. But he IS someone to fuck with, because he's a jobber. A camera man gets wiped out when Perfect gets thrown to the floor. Perfect takes his patented delayed corner bump. It's more delayed than usual. A loud LSD chant starts up. Perfect Plex for the win.
We are treated to "There's no hope with dope", an essay from a public school student that Randy Savage sponsors or something. It just makes me think of that episode of Saved By The Bell. THERE'S NO HOPE WITH DOPE! Holy shit, the Undertaker just appears right beside her to reiterate, THERE'S NO HOPE WITH DOPE.
Brain informs us he has some SCOOPS. A dude is going to propose to his woman. Is this dude Green Lantern Fan? Brain insists he's going to make sure the woman says no.
Lex Luger vs Crush
It's finally revealed that Lex has a metal plate in his arm and that's why every dude he hits gets knocked out. This sounds like a TERRIBLE match waiting to happen going by their WCW matches together. They should have a competition to see who has a shittier piledriver. Lex flexes those boobies, bruhduh. Crush nearly wins a test of strength until Lex throws some kicks like a pussy. What a piece of shit. Crush does some of his own and does a press slam. Lex does a lot of stalling. For some reason, the camera focuses on Lex's ass and dick, claiming it was trying to capture a look at his steel plate in his arm. Looks like they wanted to see his steel taint. Crush hits a shitty dropkick. These dudes make me want to shit. Because they are the drizzling shits. Crush gets rammed into the ring post. I wish my head got rammed into a ring post and ended up like JFK's head. Lex hits a powerslam. Have you ever looked at your feet and thought about cutting your pinky toe off? It seems so useless. I might get some bolt cutters and get rid of them. They have those stupid little nails and they seem like they aren't even connected to the rest of your toes. They're just off on their own world like little shit heads just taking up space and making your shoes tighter. Crush does his head squeeze. He lets go because Doink was up in the balcony. Dumb cunt could have won the match. It's not like Doink can do anything FROM THE FUCKING BALCONY YOU DUMB ASS. Oh my god, there's another Doink! Holy fuuuuuuuuuuuck. What the fuck is going on?!?! I'm too drunk for this. Crush gets knocked to the floor and counted out.
Tatanka ICOPRO ad. They've been using an out of date Hasbro figure ad for months now. It still has the Bulldog in it, despite Bulldog having debuted in WCW in February. We almost see the dude propose to his woman.
Mr. Hughes vs Jason Knight
What's funny about this is that Hughes would be Jason's heavy in ECW about a year later. I wonder how Hughes could jump from WCW to WWF with the same look and gimmick, but Boss Man doing the same nearly caused a lawsuit. Brain brings back Bartlett's gimmick of watching other shows while Raw is on. Hughes does some Brock back breakers. Brain tries to watch scrambled porn while burying the Atlanta Braves. Boss Man Slam for the quick win.
Smoking Gunns vignette. It's them doing cowboy stuff in the desert.
TO THE McMAHON. Vince conducts an in ring interview with HBK. HBK will defend next week against Hacksaw. HOOOOOOOO! HBK is sick of NYC and the Manhattan Center. I believe HBK claims two of the fans in the front row were seen in a gay pride parade in DC or something. This gets a SHAWN IS GAY chant. Vince can't ignore it and Brain tries to say they are saying SHAWN IS GREAT. Vince asks him about attacking Mr. Perfect at WM. This brings Perfect out. HBK takes a cheap shot and Perfect chases him to the back.
We're shown clips of Bam Bam trying to force Sherri to blow him on Superstars and Tatanka saving her. We're then shown Tatanka coming out for a match later in that show only to see that Bam Bam had attacked him and cut his hair.
Typhoon vs Von Krus
Fucking Vito. Both of these guys are FAT. Why am I watching two FAT ASSES? Where is Earthquake? Hacksaw calls in during this match and says he'd worry if he had a young daughter. But he does have a young daughter. What are you trying to say, Jim? Vito totally based his entire offense around Typhoon's balls. Typhoon wins with a standing splash.
Brain introduces us to the Green Lantern Fan and his girlfriend, Chuck. This has to be the GLF. I'm pretty sure of it. He asks Chuck to marry him. Both are virgins despite having been dating for 5 years. Why am I not surprised GLF dated a woman for FIVE YEARS and didn't seal the deal?
Next week has HBK vs Hacksaw and the Headshrinkers in action.