WWE Backlash 2006

As voted by the WrassleGAF Universe.

Chris Masters vs Carlito

A real Masterpiece wouldn't have the inner forearm tattoo. Former friends, now locked in a battle for failed expectations supremacy. Carlito's shirt poses an interesting question: Do you spit or swallow? I believe those in the business call that a "double entendre". Masters gets a slap in the face. Masters pulls the shirt off, negating the spit or swallow question and taking a third option: Gag. Full disclosure, I enjoyed Masters more than Carlito even at the time and before Masters ever got any good. Carlito gets out of a press slam and locks on the Master Lock! I'd like to see Masters do the Back Stabber. Masters is sent to the floor. Pescado from Carlito. Carlito reminds me of James Franco doing a Razor Ramon impression, but being so high he kind of forgets who he is impersonating half way through. Bucklebomb from Masters. A MASTERS SUCKS chant starts up and dies off pretty quickly. Carlito is getting pulled around by his natural. Back elbow gets a near fall. Lariatooo. It was solid, but hit in the middle of the chest, which definitely deducts points on the Hansen scale. Master Lock is countered with a roll up. Springboard back elbow. Carlito grabs his apple. That is not a "double entendre". The apple distracts Master's, much like a golden retriever and a tennis ball. Masters hits a stiff forearm to the lower back. Belly to back superplex is countered. Standing moonsault from Carlito. Near fall. "I heard after he checks out of his hotel room, the mirrors don't cool down for 30 minutes." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, King. Carlito escapes (not breaks) the Master Lock and hits the back stabber for the win. He used the ropes just because.

TO THE MARIA. Man, I miss Maria. She does a poll to see who will leave with the WWE Championship tonight. Fans were asked earlier in the show. Fans seem mixed. Lita shows up and says she and Edge don't care about all these rednecks. She's kept her mouth shut...Maria says she's heard that Lita keeps her mouth wide open. I believe that to be a blowjob reference. She and Edge are going to bone tonight.

Umaga vs Ric Flair

The match starts on the floor and Flair is already down and out. Thumb to the eye! Low blow! Another low blow. None of this matters. YouManga quickly wins in dominating fashion. King makes illegal immigrant jokes about Estrada.

TO THE BACK. Vince and Shane get pumped up. Vince reminds Shane that this isn't a handicap match. "You leave God to me." Vince goes on to say that he can do anything God can do and proves it by walking on water. He then breaks bread and throws a fish. Moments later, a massive amount of bread and fish fly back to him. Shane's water had turned into win. HOLY MACKEREL!

Mickie James vs Trish Stratus WWE Women's Championship

Mickie and those skirts. God damn. Trish also looks banging. Trish gets a near fall on a roll up from the outset. MaTrish into a headscissors. It appears Trish wants her fucking belt back. Dropkick. Chick Kick misses, but a pump kick hits Mickie in the eye. Lou Thesz Press off the apron! Lou would be so proud. Stinger Splash. Corner 10 count punch is countered by Mickie apparently pulled Trish down by her collar bone. Trish falls all the way to the floor and appears to have injured the right arm. Mickie chokes Trish with something and breaks on 5, so she was disqualified. Well, that's some bullshit. It went like 4 minutes and ended just when it seemed like the heat segment was going to start.

TO THE MARIA. Her guest at this time is HBK. Vince asked her to ask Shawn if God will show up tonight. HBK says the Lord is with him. But this is a handicap match. HBK has two words for Vince...which doesn't seem very Christian like to me unless he meant Jesus Saves.

Shelton Benjamin vs Rob Van Dam WWE Intercontinental Championship/Money in the Bank Briefcase Winner Take All

"It's obvious that Van Dam's favorite number is 420." I completely forgot about Shelton going through a phase of wearing Rock sunglasses and $500 shirts. Shelton takes RVD down and gives him a slap in the face. Man, what the fuck Shelton, you're really going to wear basketball shoes under your kick pads? You can't wear wrestling shoes or boots? Are you Frankie Kazarian? Wacky leg roll up from RVD. Arm drags. Shelton dodges a kick and begs off. RVD is busted open by the eye already. Brief WE WANT MAMA chant. Shelton's mama couldn't be there due to surgery. RVD hits a series of kicks and clotheslines Shelton rolls out of of the ring on a Rolling Thunder attempt. RVD hits him with a pescado instead. Shelton gets in the ring and does a sunset flipbomb off the apron. A few notes from this: They play up the lower back and kidneys making the splat, without even acknowledging RVD's head bouncing off the floor. King can not pronounce "pendulum". Shelton hits a big knee to the head with RVD in the ropes. Camel clutch. RVD does not like the body slams he's taking. Shelton can decide if he's going to work the lower back or upper back/neck. RVD shoves off the t-bone. He goes into Rolling Thunder, which Shelton catches and turns into a Samoan drop. RVD shoves off a superplex, but Shelton pops back up with the Angle style spot. Except instead of running up the ropes, he jumps to the top rope. This is pretty beat for beat the RVD WWE match. He lands Rolling Thunder on the third attempt. 2 count. Split legged moonsault. Shelton lands on his feet from a monkey flip. Despite countering that and Rolling Thunder, he falls prey to catching RVD's kick just to get kicked with the other foot. The frog splash misses. RVD gets planted with a DDT. Shelton goes to get the briefcase. RVD follows him out and gets a kick to the head. Top rope cross body. RVD rolls through for a near fall. RVD somehow manages to dodge the dragon whip kick and hits a rana. Mini ref bump. RVD hits a Vandaminator with the briefcase and then the frog splash for the win. New champion. Briefcase retained.

Big Show vs Kane

Well fuck. This was a TV main event in 2014. Fucking Christ. Taker was wrong. Death, taxes, and Big Show vs Kane. This was during the time when Kane was haunted by his own upcoming movie release date for some reason. Was that ever explained? Get this shit out of here. There is no way anyone wanted to see this. The lights go red and Kane's voice comes over the PA system whispering and screaming MAY 19TH. This is FUCKING STUPID. Jeeeezzzus. Kane rolls around on the mat like a toddler, the fans have gone silent because this is stupid as fuck. And it is going on FOREVER. Big Show gets a chair and starts crying. Then he hits Kane in the head with the chair. And as he does, the lights come back up and the voices stop. Big Show walks off and I guess the match is over.

TO THE BACK. Vince is getting ready when Candice Michelle comes in. She has a chest cold, and with Vince being God, she wondered if he could lay a healing hand on her. "HEAL! HEAL THIS WOMAN'S VOLUPTUOUS BREASTS!" The power of Vince gives CandIce an orgasm. Shane comes in and apparently is not at all surprised to see what looks like his father sexually assaulting an employee. JR was not impressed.

Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon vs Shawn Michaels/God

King brings up a good point for once in his life: If Vince is God, does that make Shane the son of God? Shane is Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuussssss! Vince introduces the Holy Roller, the Hipster from Heaven, the Man Upstairs, from the Kingdom of Heaven...God! God is coming down the aisle! When He gets half way to the ring, Vince stops Him. This isn't God's house, this is Vince's house! He shits on God for His lame entrance. God needs to get jiggy with it. He makes God change His entrance music to an alternate version of Somebody Call My Mama and then proceeds to get funky like a monkey in public if you wheel. God makes it into the ring. Vince makes the ref check Him, then changes his mind and tells God to BRING IT. He also announces this is now a no holds barred match. Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMahon! This is fucking AMAZING. Vince is the best. Of all time.

Vince says HBK and God are going STRAIGHT TO HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL and gets smacked in the mouth for it. Shane gets handled in the ring. Pescado on Vince. Fuck the match, I want to see Vince heeling on God some more. Tope to Shane on the other side of the ring. HBK definitely called Shane a son of a bitch. Not very Christian of you, brother. Shane and HBK are on the stage now. Shane tried a piledriver off the stage and is back dropped. Vince shows up with a chair. HBK crossbodies Vince and they both go off the stage. As Shawn climbs back up, he gets drilled in the face with a chair. He's of course busted open. JR insists that the McMahons can have no sympathy or compassion because they are rich. Shane and HBK head back to ringside. HBK is posted. Pretty sweet arm drag into the guard rail. "The wall didn't give. The wall didn't sell a thing." *Cut to JR bitching about people exposing the business* Great back suplex from Shane. Flying elbow drop is missed. Shane recovers to hit a float over DDT. Vince wants the tag. Off comes the belt. Yappapi, brother! HBK is getting that strappage, dude. God appears to have left ringside. In comes a trash can. And now he wants a mic. Vince takes time to shit talk God more. I love it. God is leaving the match! God has abandoned his partner! "Ladies and gentleman, God has left the building!" Man, what a pussy that God is. Vince attempts a super kick. He got is foot pretty high, actually. But HBK caught it and fires up. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUCKING CHRIST Shane blasts Vince with a chair. God damn it. Sounded like a fucking gun shot. HBK hits his 5MOD on Shane. Vince stood up and got superkicked back down as well. HBK gets a giant ladder and tables. He puts Shane and Vince on tables. He jumps the opposite way and lands on the Spirit Squad, who had just made it to ringside. After this, they gang up on HBK. Dolph was a jobber from the start. They do their super powerbomb thingy through a table. Vince makes the pin. Vince wins! Vince McMahon has defeated GOD! "It's the father, the son, and the holy spirit...squad."

TO THE TODD. Todd speaks with John Cena. It's 2006 and they're doing the "Some fans don't like you", which actually started by Summerslam of 2005. And it still goes on today. Cena cuts the same cheesedick promo he'd give today as well. Except his voice isn't quite as deep.

TO THE CLASS ROOM. Oh hey, a talk show segment on PPV. Striker does a lot of local Kentucky heeling. And he brings out one of the smartest men from Kentucky, Eugene. He gives Matt a hug, which Matt doesn't like at all because he's a meany face. Matt wants him to spell his name. What he writes on the board is Matt Striker Loves Poop. YOU LOVE POOP chant. Man, KY doesn't even realize how hard they're getting trolled. Eugene then picks his nose and gets a very large booger and nearly eats it. Matt stops him. He puts it in Matt's mouth. Stone Cold Stunner! Boy was this a waste of time and offensive to teachers, the mentally challenged, Kentucky, and wrestling fans.

Edge vs John Cena vs Triple H WWE Championship

Edge steps out of the ring to let HHH and Cena settle their issues. What a gentleman. Fans are not into Cena. Big surprise. He's going against two heels and he gets the most boos. Edge looks so young. He aged a ton from 2008-2010. They finally get tired of Edge standing around, so he gets ping bonged around. They take turns slamming Edge's head off the announce table and shoot grins at each other. HHH then attacks Cena from behind. Cena does a Superfly Splash. Protoslam. 5KS. Lita low bridged him. Lariatoooooo to Edge. HHH has a really underrated one. He didn't throw it often, but when he did, he was trying to take a head off. EdgeOMatic. Cena almost hits a double FU. Edge slips off and hits a spear instead. HHH gets sling shot into the ring post and is immediately gushing blood because this was still during the time period where HHH and HBK trying to see who could bleed more. Edge hit the Impaler on the Spanish announce table, which should be renamed the Japanese announce table because it didn't budge. Blood fucking everywhere. Come on, Hunter, this shit is a B level PPV. You don't need to tap an artery for it. STF on Edge in the ring. Could you tighten that up, John? Please? It's a choke anyway. As he's about to tap, HHH arrives to prevent Edge's hand from tapping and then hits Cena with a mic and promptly Flair Flops. Then he fucking crushes Edge's skull with a chair. What the fuck are those chairs made out of to make that loud of a sound? He gets back in the ring just to be locked in the STF. God the close up view of HHH is DISGUSTING. Dude's whole head looks like it is covered in gel. I don't think I've ever seen a crimson mask so thick. HHH powers out of the STF. He blocks the FU. Cena blocks the pedigree and reapplies the STF. He breaks it when Edge gets near the top rope. Ref bump. Tower of doom spot with the top move being a Samoan drop. Lita tries to hit HHH with a chair only to get a spinebuster. Time to get the sledgehammer! It's burying time! #allredeverything. I definitely don't miss blade jobs like that, especially in a random triple threat on a B PPV. Spear! OUTTA NOWHERE! Edge has the hammer. Cena blocks it and gets him up for the FU. HHH low blows him. Edge falls over the ropes. HHH goes for the pedigree. Cena rolls him up. Title retained. And then he immediately no sold the low blow he just got. HHH hit everyone with the sledgehammer after the match and then told everyone to suck it. The show ends with HHH standing tall (after losing) and King of Kings playing. A sign of Wrestlemanias to come!