WWF Monday Night Raw 3/1/93

Bret Hart vs Fatu WWF Championship

Hot way to start off the show. Too bad Bartlett is going to do an Elvis impression all night. Bret has a gross patch of skin missing from his nose. Bret uses his speed and wrestling advantage to get Fatu to the mat. It takes two, but Bret gets Fatu down. He trips over Fatu and appears to have injured his knee. SWERVE, he was playing opossum! Bret tries more cheeky tactics and gets his fucking face kicked off. That was about as stiff of a superkick as you'll ever see. Bret tries for a hip toss and gets lariatoooed for it. Fatu slaps on the dreaded nerve hold. Samu makes his way to ringside. Bret gets a cross body. Fatu throws him to the floor while kicking out. Samu hits a disgustingly stiff bodyslam out there. Jeeeeezus, shit is a work, guys. The super kick hit him full force square in the jaw, and now Samu is slamming him as hard as possible on the floor. Back breaker from Fatu. Sloppy cover, though. The patch of missing skin is bleeding and it looks like he might also be bleeding from inside of his nose, too. Piledriver. Bret barely kicks out. Fuuuuuuuck the corner bump looked stiffer than usual. Side slam. Second rope diving headbutt. It's a weird thing, but I always liked how Bret would position his legs while on the mat. Something about it just felt more real to me as a kid. Fatu goes back up top. Bret hops up and crotches him. Superplex. 2 count. Running bulldog. Another 2 count. Bret gets the back breaker. Diving elbow. Sharpshooter is applied. Afa distracts Earl and Samu attacks from behind. He and Fatu switch a few times. Fatu gets sent into Samu, who gets hung in the ropes. He's gonna die! Russian leg sweep. Afa gets hit. Sharpshooter for the win. LOL at Earl starting to count a pin for it. Fucking Earl. That was pretty rad. Really enjoyed it. Definitely hampered by all these Elvis shit.

TO THE WRESTLEMANIA REPORT. Mean Gene gives us the SCOOPS. Gene says he can't believe the "Ba....the nerve" of Money Inc for challenging the Mega Maniacs. It ends with a terrible Joey Buttafuoco joke.

TO THE BEACH. Crush is on the beach, just hanging out, smashing coconuts.

Doink vs Koko B. Ware

Heel Doink's music is legit creepy. Doink ambushes Koko. What a piece of shit. That fucking dick. Clowns aren't supposed to be dick heads, you dick. STF. Doink seems momentarily really impressed with Koko's pants. Doink I think was trying to a figure four and Koko just wasn't going for it. Spinning neck breaker. Doink quickly wins with the Stump Puller. Elvis tries to get a word with Doink. Doink hits him in the face with a pie. Elvis loves it because he's fat. HE'S FAT.

Vince conducts an in ring interview with Money Inc. Ted talks about how pissed he is about his friend only getting $780,000 a year in retirement and a $1M severance deal. Ted thinks Hogan has gone SAWFT in Hollywood. Jimmy Hart was just an over paid gopher and they are happy to be rid of him. The briefcase is renamed the Beefcase and Hogan is going to be the next one to get hit. Money Inc. agree to put their titles on the line at Wrestlemania.

Lex Luger vs PJ Walker

This one particular fan does not care for Lex. Elvis likes him because he's the guy that makes his boobies dance. Justin Credible! Brain calls in to brag about Lex. Oh, this is just to continue the Elvis shit. Lex easily wins. Lex pulls PJ out to the mirror to berate him, but said that PJ was an atypical man. I think he meant typical.

Steiner Brothers vs Duane Gill/Barry Hardy

Weirdly, Vince said Rob and Scott before the break. Rob is Rick's real name. Macho brings it up after the break and says they're mad at Vince for messing up their names. Scott and Hardy begin. Scott knocks the shit out of him. Elvis and Macho make hooker references. Rick tags in and Steinerlines Hardy to the floor. Michigan Stampede. Scott straight man handles Gillberg in a scary way. Tiger Driver. Frankensteiner for the dominating win.

Next week will have Virgil/Tito vs Money Inc and Mr. Perfect vs Rick Martel.

Bret/Fatu was really enjoyable. Having a show long running Elvis joke was fucking terrible. This was also the start of weekly current events jokes/commentary and they were always, always terrible. That would last for pretty much the entire New Generation era.