WWF Monday Night Raw 1/11/93
TO THE OUTSIDE. As Sean Mooney talks about the show, Bobby Heenan tries to stroll in the front door. Brain is told he's been replaced.
Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett will be tackling commentary duties. Bartlett is Heenan's replacement.
Koko B. Ware vs Yokozuna
Bartlett has already annoying me by making taint jokes and implying that Koko was Gary Coleman. He continues to make fat jokes. Because Yoko is fat, you see. "He's got an ass like an amphitheater." Raw is uncooked, uncut, and uncensored! God damn it, his name isn't YokozuMa. Why aren't you correcting this shit head, Vince? Yoko easily throws Koko around. A shoulder block obviously does nothing at all. Nor does the second one. Some dropkicks slightly stagger Yoko for a few seconds. Koko goes flying into the ropes. Leg drop. Corner ass splash. Banzai drop for the win in the first ever Raw match.
We're shown a clip of Brain talking about the Narcissist. Is he truly beyond Perfect? Comparing the Narcissist to Mr. Perfect is like comparing ice cream to horse shit.
Steiner Brothers vs Executioners
Fucking Bartlett doesn't even know which Steiner is which. Couldn't the dude have maybe read up a little bit on the product? Doink is hanging out in the crowd. Scott starts out and quickly hits the tiltawhirl slam. Rick tags in. Executioner 1 can't even handle an Irish whip without falling. Steinerline. Inverted Oklahoma Stampede. I will rename it the Michigan Stampede. Catching powerslam. FUCK I hate this Bartlett cunt. Jesus Christ, Vince, what the fuck were you thinking? Scott is back in and hits a belly to belly. Tiger Driver. Easy win with the Steiner Bulldog.
TO THE BACK. Bobby Heenan tries to enter the building disguised as Rob Bartlett's aunt. Sean Mooney figures out the ruse.
TO THE McMAHON. Vince conducts an in ring interview with Razor Ramon on his upcoming title match with Bret Hart. It took Bret 8 1/2 years to get to the top. It's taken Razor 8 1/2 months. We're shown clips of Razor attacking Owen Hart in the locker room this past weekend. Bret can't do anything about it. And he can't do anything about Razor taking the gold at the Rumble.
TO THE BACK. Tatanka cuts a promo for a Headlock on Hunger, the WWF/Red Cross team up.
Max Moon vs Shawn Michaels WWF Intercontinental Championship
Thankfully, Max Moon is no longer Konnan. Look that that ICOPRO banner. I really want some ICOPRO. I could get so swoll. I just wanna be swoll. I want Vince to commentate on my flexing. God, fucking Bartlett is a shit head. I fucking hate him. He's bordering on Michael Hayes levels already. Such a piece of shit. I don't even want to watch this with this fuck head calling matches and making terrible jokes. Doink is still fucking around at ringside. Bartlett does a Mike Tyson impression that Vince goes along with. I can't believe this shit is still on the air 21 years later. Shit should have been canceled day one with Bartlett calling the action. I can't even call this match. Dude has pissed me off too much. Moon hit a flying teabag off the apron. I wish someone would teabag Bartlett. Piece of shit. Vince should have called that shit off after the first commercial break. Finlay Roll! HBK responds with the superkick and wins with the tear drop suplex. Title retained.
A terrible add for WWF Mania airs. It's 100% caffeine free!
TO THE UPDATE CENTER. Mean Gene brings us a Royal Rumble update. We're told about HBK vs Marty at the Rumble, and then a promo from both men. I will never get over how weird Mean Gene looked in 1993. Way too much make up or something. We get promos from Mr. Perfect, Yoko/Fuji, Hacksaw on the Rumble itself. Hacksaw wasn't even in the Rumble.
TO THE BACK. Brain tries to sneak in again, this time as a Hasidic Jew. Uncle Morty. Just let the guy inside, Mooney, damn. You're not even a security guard. It isn't up to you to decide who can get in.
Highlights from Superstars where Harvey and Kimchee got all up in Kamala's ass and Slick ran down to make the save. You see, he's found Jeeeeezus. Kimchee attacked him. Kamala then attacked Kimchee. Or was it Friday? Whatever, it seems like Kamala is a face now.
Damian Demento vs The Undertaker
The first ever Raw main event. SHUT THE FUCK UP BARTLETT. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeezus I hate this guy. Damian throws some bombs which seem to kind of maybe have an effect on Taker. Old School. Macho claims that Demento is a big name in the WWF. I honestly don't remember a single thing about him except for losing in the main event of the first Raw. I don't remember him from my childhood whatsoever.
Vince announces that next week we'll see Woody Allen vs Mia Farrow in a steel cage match.
I don't fucking know. Jobber matches notwithstanding because that was how things were done then and I have no problem with them anyway, I have no idea how this took off and stuck around for 21 years. I see nothing that sets it apart from any other WWF programming at the time besides Rob Bartlett being fucking terrible and the small crowd.