TNA Impact 2/6/14

Last week's show, which I couldn't even finish because it sucked so much, featured the reveal of MVP as TNA's new investor. MVP was a mid carder for a few years in WWE and hasn't been seen in the US in about 3 years. So of course he could buy enough stock in TNA, a private company, to control stuff.

EARLIER TODAY. The Wolves and MVP arrived to the International Impact Zone.

TO THE BACK. Eric Young and Abyss are already brawling before their Monster's Ball match. They brawl to the stage, so I guess the match is on.

Eric Young vs Abyss Monster's Ball Match

If the match wasn't scheduled until later, then why were all the weapons already at ringside? I can't believe TNA is that prepared for anything. Back drop on the floor. The first table comes out. Weapons included in a Monster's Ball match: Cookie sheets, trash bin, chair, and a pipe. Suicide dive from EY. When I think of monsters, I think of cookie sheets. EY tries to take the mask off. I'm not sure why. We all know who Abyss is. We've been seeing his face for like 2 years. Abyss tries to do the Earthquake Splash with a chair. EY gets it up. Abyss has been back for 2 weeks and is already doing all his old worn out spots. EY is sent headfirst into a chair in the corner and chokeslammed. This is every fucking Abyss match ever. And as I say that, the bag of thumbtacks comes out, reinforcing what I'm telling you. EY did a sunset flip bomb onto them. EY puts some in his mouth and spits them at Abyss like a cartoon. He got knocked off the top and fell through the table set up earlier. Oh my, JANICE is back! How did none of the ring crew notice that under the ring? Looks like a different, much cheaper Janice. EY pulls Abyss' mask off, which makes him do a Black Hole Slam in anger for the win. There just happened to be a tiny triangle mirror inside his mask or something and he didn't know what he was looking at.

TO THE BACK. Bobby Rooooo has a contract for Dixie to sign. Dixie doesn't like talent doing what their own contracts. She isn't in as much control as she was, so she books Rooooo vs Joe with the winner facing Magnus at Lockdown.

MVP comes to the ring to talk about how a lowly mid carder like himself can invest in TNA. He got paid so much in WWE that he was able to invest it and then invested that investment into an investment in TNA's investment of investing. The time is now for changing TNA. This is the same promo Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff gave in 2010. TNA has all the talent and all the individual parts to get to the next level, but management has ruined it. This brings Rockstar Stud out. He thinks MVP should introduce himself to Dixie. MVP is needlessly dickish to him and books Magnus vs Kurt Angle for tonight.

TO THE BACK. Bully Ray hangs out by a coffin while quoting Coolio. The next person he sees will get put in the coffin. So, the camera man is about to die? Elsewhere, Chris Sabin is sitting in a purple room and talking about Velvet Sky breaking up with him. The room is very important to him and we'll find out why later.

Curry Man vs Bully Ray

I guess this technically isn't a match. Bully Ray must be the only person on earth to be sad that Aces and Eights is no longer around. Curry Man gets a piledriver. I hope Undertaker takes Bully Ray to wrestler court for gimmick infringement. Curry Man is placed in the smallest casket in pro wrestling history. Not even half of Yoko's leg would fit in that thing.

TO THE BACK. Magnus bitches to Dixie about having to face Kurt Angle. She's more worried about checking her make up. Spud compares her to the Queen and the Mona Lisa. EC3 shows up. She isn't happy to see him as she was expecting MVP. The "spread for a king" is a cafeteria tray with some cheese and frozen shrimp. EC3 can't have any of it. EC3 has something to talk to her about, but she has no time for her nephew. She'll talk to him in a week.

Austin Aries comes to the ring. He talks about all the titles he's won in TNA and his creation of Option C, which is turning the X-Division championship into MITB for the TNA Championship. And he's going to do it again. This brings the Bromans out. They distract him as Zema Ion attacks from behind with his briefcase.

Zema Ion vs Austin Aries X-Division Championship

TNA has a MITB for all their titles, AND the X-Division Championship can be used as a MITB once a year. So it would make more sense to me that Zema would wait until right before Destination X to cash in. Like the week before. Once A Double recovers from the initial attack, he quickly ends the match with a brainbustaaah. Title retained.

TO THE BACK. Spud and Dixie prepare to speak with MVP.

LAST WEEK. Christie Heme was on a date with Sam Shaw. Who is recording this date? What the fuck, Sam takes some of her hair and has a shrine to Christie with a real doll of her. And there is a TNA camera man in there?

EARLIER TODAY. Christie apparently saw the footage of the creepy murder shrine. She doesn't want to see him anymore. He's clearly going to stuff her in a fridge.

TO THE BACK. Bobby Roooooo is bitching to the camera man about having to face Joe tonight. During this, Magnus shows up and says that Rooooo hasn't done anything to help Magnus and to stop being a bitch. Elsewhere, MVP finally arrives to talk with Dixie and Spud. The editing in this is so bad, even by TNA standards. Dixie claims that TNA is a "global entertainment empire". Lol. Also, she built it by hand by herself. AJ, Sting, and Jeff Hardy are again all mentioned despite being off TV or gone from the company. Dixie knows carny language! This is terrible. People always talk about MVP like he's a great promo, but he isn't. He always sounds like he's trying to be an actor and it always sounds terrible. And Dixie is Dixie. But TNA is so fucking weird that they're clearly making an angle out of Jeff Jarrett/Toby Keith pulling out of buying the company because Dixie had to stay on.

Kurt Angle vs Magnus

Kurt Angle can barely walk, but he is indeed loaded for bear. JB announces that TNA will be back for another UK tour this time next year. Kurt is so stupid. Guy can barely move, but he's out there gutting it out for TNA. TNA. Not gutting it out for a Wrestlemania main event, but for a glorified indy tour for a TV show that Jesus couldn't pop a rating for. Yet here he is, doing all his suplex and pop up superplex shit. EC3 hits the ring and causing a DQ. He attacks Kurt's knee. Angle fights off, but it attacked with a chair. EC3 then puts Kurt in a leg lock for quite a while. We get the X signal from the ref and everything. Seems kind of weird since EC3 had been teasing a face turn for a few weeks.

TO THE BACK. Cameras catch Joe talk to Angle on the stretcher. Joe flips out and spits all over the camera as he cuts a promo on Dixie about a Godsmack song or something. Elsewhere, we hear from Eric Young about the Monster's Ball. He pulled Abyss' mask off to show him who he was, but now he doesn't know what's going to happen.

Recap of the Sabin/Velvet saga.

TO THE BACK. Sabin is still in his purple room. This room is where Sabin and Velvet had their first kiss. It appears as if he's going to propose to Velvet. Velvet shows up. Sabin lays it all on the line. He LITERALLY felt his soul break into a million pieces when Velvet dumped him. LITERALLY. He asks her to marry him. She opens the ring box only to find it empty...he's asking her to get out of his life! LOL whatta SWERVE! What a dick! Tremendous. He also challenges her to a wrestling match next week.

Recaps of fucking everything that has happened tonight, last week, and for the last 10 years. TNA is worse than WWE with their earlier tonight bullshit.

Samoa Joe vs Bobby Roooooooooo

Joe kicks the shit out of Rooooo. It's amazing to me that it takes Sting and AJ leaving, Jeff Hardy being a flake who can't travel, and Kurt Angle being injured before they'll push Joe as anything serious again. Blockbuster from Roooooo. Hey, that's Tyson Kidd's finisher! Both guys miss knee drops. Joe starts slapping Rooooo, who comes back with a spine buster. I thought Joe looked like he had lost some weight, but I was wrong. HE'S FAT. Roooooo gets out of the muscle buster and hits a Northern Lariatooooo. Joe wins clean with the muscle buster and rear naked clutch in a pretty short and uneventful match.

TO THE BACK. MVP and Dixie (and Spud) head to the ringside area for their in ring sumit.

MVP/Dixie Carter In Ring Summit

I bet this won't be as good as the Crush/Savage summit and I hate Crush. Dixie talks up Magnus and the future of TNA. God, I'm so sick of Dixie. It's like your mom nagging at you all show long. As long as they follow Dixie's lead, the company will be successful. MVP says "you" about 30 times and says the only thing they agree on is to agree to disagree. MVP with the topical Paula Deen reference in country that I'm sure had no idea what he was talking about anyway. The party is over! Thankfully, so is the show.

TNA is so BORING. At least dying WCW had the trainwreck quality and such awful shit that it was at least entertaining. Instead of going off the rails like WCW, TNA just does the most by the numbers, boring, half assed booking possible in hopes that they'll last another year. I have no idea how people watch this every week. I think it is starting to be a lot of bullshit that they continually reference Sting and AJ every week as if they're going to come back as part of the angle. Every Impact has felt exactly the same for at least 3 years now. Completely interchangeable.