WWE No Mercy 2003

This is a PPV headlined by Vince vs Stephanie just a few days before Stephanie's real life wedding to HHH. Also, Bork vs Taker.

Tajiri vs Rey Mysterio WWE Cruiserweight Championship

3 days prior, Tajiri blinded Nidia with the ultra dangerous BLACK mist. Rey is wearing a mask on top of his mask. He also appears to still have knees and a distinct lack of gut. Brian Hebner checks Tajiri's mouth for mist. But it's a special Asian gland. You can't check for glands! Pretty even opening exchange. Rey then hits an arm drag and starts doing submission work on the leg. Tajiri goes after Rey's arm. Rey counters the handspring elbow with a dropkick to the back and follows up with a plancha. He goes up for a top rope Old School kind of move, but Tajiri pulled him down arm first on the rope. Then kicked him right in the face in the corner. Tajiri applies a form of an Americana. I miss Tajiri's kicks. Some really good arm work from Tajiri. Rey is able to get back into the match with a diving tornado DDT. Pin sequence. Tajiri is thrown to the floor. Rey follows with a diving rana off the apron. He hits a defensive 619 to the gut. Tajiri counters the West Coast Pop with a powerbomb. Rey is able to get popped up to the top, land on his feet, and do a moonsault all in one motion. Tarantula. 619. The West Coast Pop connects this time, but a fan hits the ring and breaks up the pin. During the distraction, Tajiri kicked Rey in the head and got the win. Title retained. The fan was Jimmy Yang/Akio.

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TO THE BACK. Josh Matthews catches up with Mr. McMahon and asks him about the match with Stephanie. Vince brow beats him and says that if anyone interferes in the match, they will not only be unemployed by WWE, but they will never work for any promotion again.

Tale of the tape for Bork vs Taker.

A-Train vs Chris Benoit

This would be the first Benoit footage I've seen on the Network. No disclaimer. Benoit uses his superior speed to get away from A-Train, but Albert just mows him down repeatedly. Drop toe hold into the corner. Benoit goes full speed right into a He's Got a Bicycle kick. Albert gets Benoit in the corner and starts dropping lariatos to the back of the neck. Then he does a Vader Rush. Decapitator. It busted Benoit's nose open. Delayed butterfly suplex dropped into a god damn knee face buster. It was rad. If Albert hadn't basically retired, he should bring that back. Benoit fires up only to be cut off via Polish Hammer. His mouth is also busted open now. Benoit slides under the legs and pops up with a DDT. German suplex...from Albert! A chair is brought into the ring. Albert tries to press slam Benoit, but Benoit slipped and fell right on his fucking head on the chair. Jeeeeezus. A few seconds later, Benoit does a school boy into the Iron Cross Face. Albert stands up, so Benoit starts with the Rolling Reich. As he goes up for the Iron Eagle, Albert just yanks him the fuck off the top rope. A Bomb! 2 count. The chair had apparently been placed in the corner and Albert kicked through it. Benoit immediately hit a dragon screw and locked on the sharpshooter for the win.

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TO THE BACK. V1 looks for his MFer, only to find him being sexually assaulted by Heidenreich, who was mad that his WWE try out tape got thrown in the trash. So weird seeing Matt not fat.

A special word of thanks to DA TROOPS who were in attendance and would be leaving tomorrow to continue Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Zach Gowen vs Matt Hardy

Matt can not be grossed out! Matt has survived five car wrecks. In shape Matt Hardy. Almost unthinkable now. Still had a terrible haircut, though. A one legged wrestler is so weird, but I'm glad Vince hired him if only for the angle where Brock murdered him in front of the guy's mom. One of the greatest monster heel beat downs of all time. Matt dominates. Matt misses a moonsault. This allows Zach to do a dive and top rope cross body, but he was quickly caught in a huge Side Effect. Matt tries a back superplex. Zach knocks him off and hits a moonsault for the win.

TO THE BACK. Vince decides to tie his shoes when Linda walks in to talk him out of the match. There is no coming back from this and it will destroy the family forever. He gives Steph the advantage of being able to win by pinfall or submission while he can only win by submission. And now, this match is no holds barred.

APA vs Basham Brothers

Lol, the Bashams. All those OVW guys who were down there for years only to get brought up with terrible gimmicks like BDSM lovers and a retarded person. 2 weeks prior, the Bashams hit JBL with some gnarly chair shots to the head. Bradshaw and Doug start the match and Bradshaw is stiff as fuck. Even for him. Ron does the same thing to Doug and Danny. Double spinebuster. Double shoulder block. This is a Superstars squash match so far. Well, until a botched jawbreaker. Bradshaw is mean as fuck tonight. Ron settles into FIP. Spinebuster OUTTA NOWHERE! Hot tag to JBL. Just knocking the shit out of Doug. Ultra stiff powerbomb, lariatooo in the corner, clubbing blows to the back. Super fall away slam. Ref bump. Lariatooooooo from hell. Shaniqua runs in and hits JBL with a pipe. Leg lariatooo from Doug for the win.

TO THE BACK. Josh catches up with the Bashams and Shaniqua. I'm pretty sure they're going to have a really creepy threesome. These dudes are supposed to be brothers and are definitely Eskimo brothers as well.

Taz gives his keys to victory in the chain match, which include such gems as "Throwin' hands" and "Get the chain".

Vince McMahon vs Stephanie McMahon

No Holds Barred

Linda again tries to get Vince to not go through with the match. And Vince attacks Stephanie from behind. WHAT A HEEL! Throwing Steph around and shit talking Linda at the same time. Vince is a weird guy. Sable was with Vince and slapped Stephanie. Linda went after her, but Vince stopped her while Sable bounced behind him like a teenager talking shit. Huge ASSHOLE chants. Half crab with Steph SCREAMING. This is getting really awkward. Vince vs Shane was one thing, but this is Vince against his daughter who is screaming, and Vince seems to be enjoying this a lot more than the match with Shane. And looks fucking insane since his skin is basically red and he has so much mass, majesty, striations, and musculature. Sable throws a pipe in the ring. Linda yanks her off the apron. Vince pulls Linda up by her hair. She slaps him. Steph hits Vince in the balls twice, including once with the pipe. The slap from Linda busted him open. Steph gets a few pipe shots in. Vince got a foot on the ropes. Sable gets involved again, but Vince gets bumped into her. Bulldog from Steph. 2 count! Crowd is super into this. Vince just straight goozles Steph and throws her to the mat. He hits her in the gut with the pipe. He then begins to choke her with the pipe. Linda throws in the towel. After the match, Vince pie faces Linda. 2003 Vince is a monster, both in size and character. It's really hard to even think of a more heinous heel than 2003 Vince McMahon.

Kurt Angle vs John Cena

Cena raps about Angle being SAWFT, jerking off midgets, small dicks, prostitutes with herpes, Kurt's shirt changing because he used to suck but now he swallows. Real highbrow witty stuff. Kurt immediately out wrassles Cena. Cena should bring back the Adidas boots. Kurty flipping the double birds. Lariat from Cena. Kurt is right back on offense and fucking Cena up until he goes shoulder first into the ring post. A back elbow busts Kurt's lip open. Might have knocked out a tooth. Protobomb. Dueling chants, but they are Let's Go Cena, Let's Go Angle. Cena goes up top. He shoves up the pop up superplex attempt. When he jumps, Kurt dropkicks him in the leg on the way down. Russian leg sweep from Angle. Ankle lock! Rope break. Kurt teases a German suplex off the apron. Cena gets out and does an apron DDT instead. As Kurt is getting back in the ring, Cena comes off the ropes with the diving Fameasser. Throwback. Rolling American suplexes. Cena goes for a powerbomb. Kurt counters with an ankle pick, but Cena just knees him in the head to break the hold. Bucklebomb! FU. 2 count! Second attempt is countered into the Angle Slam. 2 count. Cena tried to use his chain. The ref took it away, but Cena had Kurt's medals in his pocket and used them to punch Angle. Kurt kicks out! FU is countered into a back slide. Angle Slam is countered. FU is countered into a victory roll into the ankle lock. Grapevine! Cena taps.

Big Show vs Eddie Guerrero WWE US Championship

This feud was based on Eddie spraying Show with a hose from a sewage truck and Big Show responding by fucking up Eddie's car, powerbombing him on the hood, chokeslamming him on the roof, and getting him all cut up with glass. Eddie is still cut up. Eddie throws the belt at Show and dropkicks him in the knee as the bell rings. It doesn't take much time for Show to get in control. Eddie throws a chair to distract the ref so he can use a trash can lid. Show throws him into the ring post and press slams him back into the ring. Looks like some of the cuts have opened up on Eddie's back. So Show goes out of his way to chop them, which looks like it legit pissed Eddie off. Irish whip into an exposed buckle. Eddie uses it and does a frog splash to a standing Show. Then we get a double ref bump. Eddie pulls out the old power of the punch and lays Show out. Big Show kicks out. Eddie hits Show with the title. Frog splash. 2 count. Show gets up and does a shoot style spine buster and chokeslam. Eddie got a foot on the ropes. Low blow and DDT from Eddie. Another chokeslam. New champion. Chavo came out after the match to check on Eddie, but they argued about something.

TO THE BACK. Josh Matthews catches up with Big Show. He told everyone he was going to beat Eddie.

The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar WWE Championship

Biker Chain Match

The rules are the first person to get the chain can use it. As in, CHAIN ON A POLE MATCH! Bork and poles and piss. So excited. Bork looks like a kid in the face. He was only like 26ish I think. They throw bombs to start out. Bork goes into the ring post and Taker starts with the arm wringer to set up Old School. Bork won't even let him get to the top rope. After a big boot and leg drop, Taker is able to hit Old School. La Magistral cradle. From Taker. Wat. MMA and lucha Taker? Taker is sent flying into the steps and Bork pounds him down in the ring. Fisherman suplex. Taker misses a boot in the corner. Why, that could tear a groin! Taker climbs up to get the chain and the lights go out. They come back on and Taker is in the corner waiting for a fight. Weird. Powerslam from Bork. Taker does a piledriver on the steps, but it looked bad, probably because he hadn't done a regular piledriver in 12 years. He climbs up for the chain. Bork follows him and gets put in a reverse triangle in the ropes. Steps to the head. Bork tries it again and they get booted back into his face. He barely dodges the steps as they go flying over the top rope. Last Ride is countered. Double lariat. Slug fest. Snake eyes, big boot, chokeCOMBO BREAKERspinebuster. Taker recovers to slap on a triangle. Bork rampagebombs out of it. Brock tries a powerslam, which is countered into a Dragon Sleeper. That is then countered into the F5. Taker's foot was on the ropes. The match continues! Bork tries to get the chain and instead gets super chokeslammed. The FBI run in and attack Taker. He fights them off. Last Ride. Tope to the FBI! Nunzio almost gets the chain, but is punched in the face. Taker gets the chain. VINCE MCMAHON shows up OUTTA NOWHERE to shove Taker off the ropes. Brock drills Taker with the chain. Title retained. Vince runs off.

Pretty good show. Crowd was super into it, all of the matches were at least decent, and varied. The Bork/Taker match was solid, but no where near as good as their 2002 matches.