WWF Royal Rumble 1997
Goldust vs HHH WWF Intercontinental Championship
"Goldust is now a fan favorite." Well, thanks for filling me in, Vince. Recently, Goldy turned faced when King called him a queer and a fag on TV. HHH tried to steal Marlena and Goldy got pissed. HHH now has Mr. Hughes as his bodyguard. Gross. Goldy attacks in the aisle. The first offensive move from HHH is an inverted atomic drop. He's quickly sling shot over the rope. I will never understand why so many Rumble shows have guys thrown over the top rope in all the matches before the Rumble. Goldy drops those super heavy super strong super super stairs right on HHH's back. Lariato. The son of a son of a plumber, at home in Texas, if you wheel. HHH doing a double ax handle from the top to the floor. How strange. There is so much brawling and stair usage on the floor that both Vince and JR think the match should have ended in a DQ or at least a count out. Goldy controls the match and the pace with leg work. Being a face means he gets to bring back his missed cross body roll to the floor bump. So much brawling on the floor. The match gets so boring that they cut to Todd talking to some country singer. Goldy misses a top rope elbow. Of course. Hughes slides the title into the ring. HHH kisses Marlena. Goldy uses the title. Hughes pulls HHH out of the ring before the 3 count. HHH then won clean with the pedigree. Lol. All that shit just for a clean finish. Title retained.
EARLIER TODAY. Bret cut a promo to himself saying he's always been a marked man and he can't go back any farther. Elsewhere, Mankind sees the Rumble as a chance to hurt a lot of people.
Faarooq vs Ahmed Johnson
Look at all these scary black men! And two scrawny white guys rapping. Ahmed runs to the ring and beats the shit out of Faarooq as JR screams about TAKING IT TO THE STREETS. Then JR calls the NOD a pack of dogs. Maybe he meant dawgs. Ahmed gets a belt and whips Faarooq, which seems to give JR a boner. Why am I not surprised he would really enjoy a black man getting whipped? Eventually, Faarooq uses young and fat D'Lo as a weapon and then slams Ahmed kidneys first onto the back of a standing chair. Faarooq gets caught talking too much shit and dropped in an electric chair. Ahmed's momentum is halted with a spinebuster. Ahmed's RAGE allows him to no sell and hit his own spinebuster. Members of the NOD hit the ring and cause a DQ. Wolfie D gets press slammed over the top. JR continues to call the NOD a street gang and pack of dogs. "One big bad Johnson." This one remaining dude gets PRP'd through the French announce table.
EARLIER TODAY. Terry Funk talks about winning the Rumble in his home state.
TO THE TODD. Todd gets words with the Nation. Faarooq singles out some skinny dude and a woman for not staying out there when he needed them. Then he calls Ahmed an Uncle Tom.
Vader vs Undertaker
Another match that should have been a dream match, but I find it hard to get too excited about it since Vader lost all of his confidence after working with HBK. Vader knocks Taker down multiple times. He continually pops back up, so Vader just leaves the match. Great way to book Vader. Being a chickenshit heel with guys like Yoko and Taker and a soft pussy against guys like HBK. Vader has to resort to low blows and cheating. What a waste of Vader. Vince McMahon, the guy who claims to book big men better than anyone ever, has made Vader a completely ordinary dude in under a year. Really only took about 3 months. This match is boring and both guys look bored. Taker no sells a powerbomb. Why not? Paul Bearer saunters to ringside. Taker beats him up. Taker tries a Stinger Splash using the steps as a boost and hits the guardrail instead. Paul jumps off the apron and rolls because he's FAT. Vader wins with the Vader Bomb. This has been a shit show so far. Taker chokeslams the ref after the match because we are in the era of everyone is a dick. He even gets in Vince's face and says something that I'm sure only 40 people in the world understood.
EARLIER TODAY. Cameras caught Austin's thoughts on the Rumble. Elsewhere, they caught the Bulldog entering the building and claiming he was going to win because he's BIZARRE.
Jerry Estrada/Heavy Metal/Fuezra Guerrera vs Hector Garza/Perro Aguayo/Canek
SEE WE CAN DO CRUISERWEIGHTS TOO GOD DAMN IT PAL! Heavy Metal and Garza start the match. Crowd is SILENT. "If you're just joining us..." Who tunes into a PPV over an hour in? King is a mark for Canek. This certainly is not a WCW 6 man cruiser match. It's full on goofy lucha in front of a massive crowd that does not give a single shit about it. This is not good. At all. I don't think this is a good way to introduce WWF fans to lucha. Perro wins for his team with a mostly missed double stop. This show sucks. "True matadors of the World Wrestling Federation."
Crush drew number 1. Ahmed drew number 2. Fake Razor is in and just as quickly out. Ahmed then eliminates himself to run after Faarooq. PIG. Fuck him. STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD HAS ENTERED THE RUMBLE! PIG eliminates Crush and is promptly hit with the stunner and eliminated. Bart Gunn is in. Fuck him. And he's out. Jake Roberts enters and tries to get revenge for KOTR 1996. Bulldog enters as Jake is eliminated. It's Perroth! Fuck him. No one cares. My god. It's THE SULTAN! Fuck him. He's here to make a difference! Mil Mascaras. Fuck him. Fuck this show. Hunner is in at 12. Bulldog eliminates Sultan. Austin knocks the shit out of HHH. Owen! It's Owen! The king of Harts! Owen eliminates Bulldog on "accident". Goldust enters and we're almost half way through this, which can only be a good thing. Cibernetico enters at 15 to no reaction.
This show has been so boring and shitty. This Rumble itself has been shitty. Marc Mero! Fuck him. Mil eliminates the lucha dudes and then eliminates himself by jumping from the top rope to the floor for no reason. Goldy gets revenge and eliminates HHH. Latin Lover! Fuck him. Faarooq! Fuck him. Ahmed comes back and eliminates him with a novelty sized board. Savio Vega! Fuck him. And he's gone. So is everyone else. Austin is the only one in the ring. Jesse James! Fuck him. He's gone. It's Bret Clark! Finally, something to give a shit about. King enters, and is immediately punched out and finishes his sentence. It's the Diesel Kane! Fuck him. Terry Funk! Funk him. Rocky Maivia! Fuck him. Mankind! Okay. Seems weird to enter the ring just to sit down and rock. He and Funk renew their rivalry. Flash Funk! Funk him. Vader! Fuck him. I ain't got time for a pussy Vader who is afraid to hit people hard. Henry Godwinn! Fuck him. Undertaker! Whatever. I'm ready for this to end and there is still another match after this. Whatever. Here's how it ends. Austin gets eliminated, but the refs didn't see. He jumps back in and wins. Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania! Bret throws a fit. Instead of Shitman, Austin should have called him Bitchman.
EARLIER TODAY. JR talked to HBK on Superstars. HBK looks like he's been up for 8 weeks.
Shawn Michaels vs Sid WWF Championship
Shawn only dropped the title so he could win it back in San Antonio and vacate it as soon as the plan was for him to drop it to Bret. Bret immediately pounds the shit out of Sid and knocks him to the floor with ease. Whatever. Fuck this match. Fuck this show. HBK wins via superkick. New champion. Who gives a shit? I don't.
This show SUCKED. God, what a boring bullshit show. Especially a bummer coming off momentum of the prior 3 PPVs. This was not good at all. AT ALL. Fuck.