WWF Survivor Series 1996
British Bulldog/Owen Hart/New Rockers vs Doug Furnas/Phil LaFon/Godwinns
One of these teams is not like the other. JR dropping AJPW knowledge. New Rockers pretty much started off like Bo Dallas. Marty still kind of is, but Al Snow seems full heel. Vince makes a reference to King's legal issues. Someone near a camera thinks Owen sucks. Mideon gets quadruple teamed. Good. Fuck him and his HOG cousin. JR straight up calls him a stupid idiot for trying a superplex and not trying to make a tag. Marty apparently blows his knee out at some point. He should probably tag out. Instead he's quickly eliminated with the Slop Drop. Owen immediately eliminates HOG with a spin kick. Bulldog eliminates Mideon shortly after. Furnas barely misses a dropkicks and appears to injure himself in his WWF debut. Al hits a pretty dope uranagi. If the Network wasn't dogshit it wouldn't take me an hour to get through 15 minutes of a show. What the fuck. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, TECH SUPPORT! Christ. I legitimately have not watched a single video on the Network that didn't freeze at least once. Not a single one. In a year. Unacceptable. Not regretting canceling my subscription. FREE video services work better. Owen gets a blind tag missile dropkick that murders poor Doug, who immediately clutches at his knee. Owen doing dope shit like Perfect Plexes and kicks and shit. JR spazzes over having two refs, yet both of them miss all the cheating and triple teaming. He's not wrong. Doug is having a bad night. Everything looks like it pains him so much. He gets a tag to LaFon who promptly eliminates Al with a reverse superplex. This has broken out into a regular tag match. BLATANT low blow from Bulldog, right in front of the ref. Come on, Jack Doan. You son of a bitch. JR really hates Harvey Wippleman. Bulldog is eliminated with a crucifix into a sunset flip. He chop blocks LaFon before leaving. Owen sticks to the leg. Hot tag to Furnas. He chucks Owen all around. He wins with a German suplex straight out of Fire Pro. Big win in their WWF debut.
TO THE HERMIE. Kevin Kelly is in the boiler room with Paul Bearer and Mankind. Paul will be in a cage above the ring during the match and if Taker wins, he'll get 5 minutes alone with Paul. He's not happy about it.
Undertaker vs Mankind
The Undertaker returns and debuts his new look in the form of being a giant bat descending from the top of the arena. A new look, a new Undertaker. Taker doing drop toe holds and fireman carries and shit. Cross arm breaker. MMA Taker in 1996. Trying to break the claw hand. Mankind dives into the crowd to get away from the 7 footer in leather. He gets back dropped back to ringside. Mankind responds with a low blow and cannon ball off the apron. After two completely new gimmick matches, a standard match being used as the blow off seems backwards. Dope puling piledriver. Mandible claw is on. Only momentarily as Mankind got chucked to the floor. Then his brains get scrambled on the guard rail. I can't believe that was a regular spot for him. Old School. Excuse me. "Vintage Undertaker." Mankind comes off the top only to get caught in a goozle. Mandible claw! DOWN INTO THE GULLET! This doesn't end the match. I mean the last time we saw Taker, it took a shovel to the head and burying him in 6 feet of dirt to keep him down. Just the mandible claw beating would be awfully anticlimactic. King has been silent for most of this match for some reason. Taker now does suplexes and submissions. That's what happens when you get BERRIED. You come back with new moves. Taker gets stabbed in the head right in front of the ref. More than once. These refs SUCK. Tombstone OUTTA NOWHERE ends the match. Well. After a boiler room brawl and buried alive match, this was kind of a lame way to end the feud. Taker will now get Paul Bearer alone. Before he gets the chance, the Executioner attacks. I guess the story continues.
Sunny comes to ringside and joins for commentary. King just...left at some point.
TO THE CUNT. Hayes is with HHH, Goldy, Crush, and King. I guess that's where he went. That accent is awful, Hunter. He can't even keep it. Mark Henry was injured and won't be in the match now.
Crush/Jerry Lawler/HHH/Goldust vs Marc Mero/The Stalker/Rocky Maivia/Jake Roberts
JR and Sunny immediately start arguing because JR thinks women shouldn't be at ringside and HHH is smarter for not having a broad with him. JR says that Rocky is going to be DA MAN. God damn does he remind me of the Usos. Jake should get his vest thing back. Damn, even Sunny is making drunk jokes about him. Mero and King start the match. Unsurprisingly, JR is a total cunt to Sunny. Then a bunch of tags are made. Mero and Goldy are the ones to eventually actually start. JR is an asshole. Barry and Dustin renew their rivalry. He's announced as The Stalker, but Vince and JR call him Barry Windham. HHH avoids Mero as much as possible. Rock running traditional Samoan spots. Sunny most definitely wants to fuck him. They acknowledge that he is Dwayne Johnson and took his name as a tribute to his father and grandfather. HHH lights him up. Rock's hair is so poofy. It looked okay when he came out and now it is full blown Mr. Perfect/Dolph Ziggler mode. Fans get hot for a DDT that never comes. JR is a cunt. For real. I don't think he's even supposed to be a full heel right now, either. Regardless, Sunny is a heel and he's far more of a dick to her than he is to Vince. DDT on King! OUTTA NOWHERE. King is eliminated. I wish Barry was in shape and his knees worked. Goldy eliminates him with the Curtain Call. HHH finally squares off with Mero. I wonder whose idea Crush's forehead tat was. I guess Hunter's punishment is over since he's the IC champ. As soon as I say that, he's eliminated with the Merosault. Glad to see that Crush still sucks. Mero crashes and burns on a tope. Yikes. Mero got eliminated and no one noticed. Crush eliminates Jake with the heart punch. Rock vs Goldy/Crush. Sunny thinks 2 on 1 sounds good. Can't believe JR didn't have something to say about that. Goldy holds Rock for the heart punch. Of course Rock moves. Crush is eliminated with a cross body. JR calls him "Rock". So he's had 3 names during the match. Rock wins via shoulder breaker. He is the sole survivor.
TO THE TODD. Todd speaks with Stone Cold. The winner of the match will now get a title shot. "Bret, cliches are cliches and an ass whipping is an ass whipping and that's exactly what you're going to get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin. And that's the bottom line." Elsewhere, after Steve's entrance, Todd gets words with Bret. Bret has said that Austin is the best wrestler in the WWF and no matter what happens, Steve will respect Bret after this.
Bret Hart vs Steve Austin
This is Bret's first match since losing to HBK at WM12. MSG has been a pretty important building to his career and he is certainly appreciated there. JR BERRIES Doink and Duke Drose for no reason. He is one salty mother fucker, no doubt. The match starts with Bret getting the double bird. Big fight feel, friends. Neither of these men have ever submitted in a match before. Vince mentions how ironic it would be if Austin made Bret submit to the sharpshooter. Flash cut to one year later...We got us a good old fashioned wrasslin match. Some WCW 1992 shit. Not the wild brawl of WM13, but more technical wrestling from both men. Bret is focusing on Steve's arm. Stun Gun! Steve sticks with the neck area. JR, in between being a cunt, is great at pointing out how focused Austin is on one area and how his repeated pins are just wearing Bret out. A slug fest breaks out, which Austin wins. Bret fires off some lariatos and gets back in control. A running bulldog is shoved off into the sternum bump. Austin attempts a superplex. It is countered. Bret drops his elbow from the top rope. Austin counters the back breaker with an eye rake. He's studied the tapes. Watched the videos. Been on the youtubes. Checked the film. Bret breaks the railing trying to tackle Austin. Not quite an OMG Moment. "Kick his butt!" That ain't no NYC I know. Austin sling shots Bret onto the Spanish announce table. Poor Hugo. Even as early as 1996, JR was pointing out the SAT trope. Austin is solidly in control. LETS GO HITMAN chants start up. Then LETS GO AUSTIN chants start up. Dueling chants in 1996. Another slug fest breaks out. This time Bret wins. Stun Gun from Bret! Piledriver from Bret. Back breaker. 5MOD have begun. Bret goes back to the top. Austin catches him. Austin KNOCKS THE SHIT OUT of Bret and hits a top rope superplex. Stunner! Austin pulls Bret away from the ropes and that slight delay allows Bret to kick out. Austin repeats pins and Bret kicks out of all of them. Texas cloverleaf! Rope break. Bret takes an Irish whip and ends sliding due to the bad knee right into the post. Austin locks on a bow and arrow. Bret twists out and almost gets the sharpshooter on. When he can't, he just punches Austin in the head. Austin breaks a sleeper with a jawbreaker. Million Dollar Dream! Bret pushes off the turnbuckles and gets the pin. Bret wins! What a dope match.
TO THE CUNT. Sid is the guest. That tiny baseball hat. Sid has a lot of teeth.
Captain Lou Albano comes to ringside. Then the OG Nation of Domination comes out. PG 13 rapping, Clearance Masonry, Faarooq, and two black men in suits that don't look like wrestlers.
Faarooq/Diesel/Razor Ramon/Vader vs Savio Vega/Yokozuna/Flash Funk/Jimmy Snuka
Jim Cornette joins for color. Fuck. A couple of fans TOTALLY grab Yoko's tits. I believe Vince is down with the swirl. Scorp and Vader begin. Moonsault to the floor! It gets an ECW chant. A powerbomb halts all that momentum. Yoko just walks in with no tag. JR BERRIES the old outfit of Faarooq. I bet he had a lot of fun shitting on Vince and all of his ideas. Could they not have found someone in a little better shape to be fake Razor? Yoko is massive. He looks like he's put on 70 pounds in a few months. The Diesel Kane dominates Funk. Funk also gets flattened with a spinebuster. God damn it, Kane was in the SS 18 years later. 18 YEARS! Snuka slams Vader. I'm glad I got one PPV without Savio. Jackknife eliminates Savio. Superfly Splash eliminates Razor. Then Diesel Kane brings in a chair and every one brawls and the match is thrown out.
Sid vs Shawn Michaels WWF Championship
Sid is over as a mother fucker in MSG. Fist bumps everywhere. Boos for HBK on any offense, cheers for Sid. HBK DESERVED boos. He's been a real piece of shit face all year. Sid, as big and crazy as he is, also comes of FAR more humble and nice than HBK. HBK's eyes don't look clear. Just saying. HBK uses his speed to lure Sid into a trap and then chop blocks him to a chorus of boos. Shawn being Shawn, taps his inner douche and plays his part to the crowd. Before locking on a figure four, he can be seen saying FUCK YOU to the crowd. Although he's probably not playing a role and is instead just pissed that the fans aren't into him. But then the way the match has been structured so far has Sid in more of the face role anyway. HBK gets shoved into the ring post and Sid goes to work with big kicks. The camera man gets too close to the corner and Sid shoves him away. He's doing a good job of selling the leg for a guy who isn't known for selling well. A low dropkick puts HBK in control. Then he's dumped to the floor much to the delight of the fans. Fans hate HBK here and it is great, because I've also been hating HBK since the middle of 1995. There are some high pitched voices that are cheering for HBK, but they are over powered by the deeper ones in support of Sid. Sid locks on a cobra clutch and HBK is fading. Chokeslam is countered. Superkick is countered. Chokeslam! This is Sid's night. Powerbomb is countered with a small package for 2. Sid grabs a camera and hits Jose in the chest. Superkick! Fans are NOT happy. HBK goes to check on Jose. The pin is only 3 seconds. Surely Jose could survive for 3 seconds. Sid drags Shawn back into the ring. Ref bump! Sid hits Shawn in the back with the camera! "The referee didn't see a dang thing!" Powerbomb. NEW CHAMPION! HBK immediately no sells after the pin to check on Jose. THEN he crawls and stumbles to the back. Sid is THE MAN. Vlad the Superfan gets a fist bump, shake, and hug.
I think the Attitude Era started at Mind Games. We're in it now. This is it. Overall this was a fun show even though the actual SS matches weren't anything memorable. HBK/Sid was so fun just for the crowd shitting all over HBK the entire time. Outside of that, it was a pretty good match, but I've never felt more satisfaction from a crowd turning on a face like this match. HBK had been the most annoying, miserable cunt of a face since April of 1995. On top of that, Vince's constant boners for him made him somehow even more annoying. For the ultra smarky NYC crowd to turn on him over a big muscled up oaf they're supposed to hate makes it even better. Bret/Austin was dope. It might be better than the WM13 match, although wildly different. It's great, though.