WWF Summerslam 1996
Savio Vega vs Owen Hart
Fucking Savio. Cowboy Owen Orton Jr. can't save this. Savio is so bland. Yet fiery, because of his hot Latin blood. Cheap tactics from Savio, attacking the long injured wrist of Owen. What a prick. A PRICK. A DICK. A WIENER. A JOHNSON. A JOINT. A BONER. Savio gets sent shoulder first into the ring post, so now we have two guys with two arms between them that work. Clearance Masonry comes out. Slowly. Corny is busy with Vader. Savio can suck it. I'd rather it be Kwang in there or something. Owen plays opossum and uses the cast. Sharpshooter for the win. HE DID IT! WHOOOOOO! Bradshaw comes out with Uncle Zeb, talking about Savio being a Puerto Rican DAWG. Then he beats him up.
TO THE TODD. Good ol' Todd wanders around the boiler room. It turns out that Mankind is already down there, just hanging out.
New Rockers vs Body Donnas vs Smoking Gunns vs Godwinns WWF Tag Team Championships
VLAD THE SUPER FAN! Skip is competing with a crushed vertebrae in his neck, which seems awfully dangerous. Doctors cleared him to wrestle? These teams keep trading victories and no one seems to give a shit. I certainly don't. 1996 WWF is not interesting. You have a couple of stand out guys, matches, and angles, but most of it sucks. Mideon and Dr. Tom both tag the Gunns in and then Fargo strut and hug. They know they are opponents, right? The Gunns end up not facing each other anyway, so it was a waste of time. And then the BDs are eliminated shortly after. In an elimination match, I'd stay out of the ring as much as possible. Certainly wouldn't be tagging myself in. This is dumb and not interesting. The Gunns win after Bart does a double ax handle from the top onto a prone Mideon. Titles retained. Whatever. Sunny shits on the crowd after the match and has a large photo of herself dropped from the lighting rig to pretty up the building.
We're shown a package of the Gunns and Godwinns trying to figure out the quickest way to get to the Gund Arena. Godwinns take a train. Gunns take a horse carriage. Godwinns won. Elsewhere, King tries to get taught the spit ball. Elsewhere elsewhere, the ethnic Superstars got to help paint over graffiti. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Taker and Paul gave away a funeral. What?
TO THE CUNT. Dok gets to talk to Sid. For months, Sid was hearing people chanting his name, so that's why he came back. And he's never leaving.
Sid vs British Bulldog
Sid is over, friends. At some point, I think the Bulldog forgot how to take bumps. He just started taking all of them on his arm or at a weird angle. Demoted. Bulldog went from headlining 6 PPVs in the last 11 months to a middle of the card 6 1/2 minute losing match. Bulldog hits the powerslam. Corny comes out and argues with Clearance for some reason. This distracts Bulldog. Chokeslam and powerbomb for the win.
TO THE TODD. Mero is asked about Mankind calling Sable, "Mommy". He's not too worried about it for some reason.
Goldust vs Marc Mero
Mero has tassels again, so maybe he'll feel more comfortable. I doubt it. Because he sucks. Goldust gains control of the match after back dropping Johnny to the floor. Mankind wanders out to creep Sable out. He gets chased away by the refs. Mero starts WILDING OUT but fuck this match. Fuck this show. Fuck 1996 WWF. It's so BORING and lame. WCW had cruiserweights and the nWo wrecking shit and WWF was still doing stupid Undertaker voodoo shit and wrestling plumbers and hockey players. And Marc Mero. The only highlight of the match was Mero hitting a SSP, which got a 2 count due to ref distraction. Goldy won completely clean with the Curtain Call about 90 seconds later. Three clean PPV loses in a row for Mero. Not off to a great start. Goldy creeps on Sable after the match. Mero punches him and crotches him on the top rope.
TO THE AHMED. A segment on Ahmed and his injuries at the hands of Faarooq. His kidney exploded and he almost died. The IC Championship was vacated.
Sunny and Faarooq come to the ring for an interview to gloat over injuring Ahmed. DAMN he looks like a fool. Ron thinks he should be the IC champion right now. Todd calls him a criminal. "So to speak." He's got quite an ass on him. Big E would be envious.
This is followed with a package on Jake's alcohol and drug abuse and King saying all kinds of gnarly shit about him. After this, Mark Henry is introduced to the crowd as the newest member of the WWF. Vlad and the fat kid with a bowl cut are together.
Jerry Lawler vs Jake Roberts
King comes out with all kinds of props. Baltimore Ravens gear, booze bottles, other shit. Cheapest of cheap heat stuff. "You can look at Mark Henry and tell that if he won a gold medal, he'd just take it and have it bronzed." King pulls out a giant bottle of wine. Jake pulls out his snake. His real snake, not his dick. Mark is disgusted. King runs away, then talks some more. Once the match actually starts, its about 4 minutes and King blasts Jake in the throat with a bottle of Beam for the win. King pours booze all over Jake's head after the match. Mark Henry stops him from the second bottle. I'm unsure if this is as distasteful as the WCW angle of Hall is a drunk and the WWE angle of having Austin lock him in a fridge full of booze and taunt him with beer.
Undertaker vs Mankind Boiler Room Brawl
Fuck this shit. The dumbest shit. I can only imagine how shitty it must have been for the live crowd because this was the days before giant trons, so they literally just rolled out TVs like movie day when you had a substitute teacher. This is just completely aimless brawling in awful lighting and it goes on FOREVER. 7 hours later, they head out to ringside. Mankind takes the Nestea Plunge on exposed concrete. Taker gets in the ring and asks for the urn from Paul. Paul won't give it to him. Mankind locks on the mandible claw as Paul laughs. Paul slaps and stomps Taker. It was a SWERVE! Fuck this match. God damn what a fucking slog to get through. Mankind wins. Undertaker is then carried out by druids. All together, this whole thing went like 40 minutes. Felt like 9 days.
TO THE CUNT. Big Mike talks with Vader and Corny, who are coming for you, HBK.
Vader vs Shawn Michaels WWF Championship
I wonder if HBK will over power Vader in this match. I eagerly await him no selling a dude 200 pounds bigger. Vader starts the match by punching HBK in the ribs. Seconds later, HBK is doing Tiger Mask spots and head kicks to a grounded Vader. Vader is dumped to the floor. Huge tope. Rana. Vader is again dumped to the floor with a victory roll. Shawn jumps back out and gets caught in a very ginger powerbomb on the floor. Vader dominates at a slow pace in the ring. Knocking him around, throwing him around. You can tell he's going easy on him, though, which is a shame because if anyone needed to get knocked around a bit it was HBK in 1996. Vader wins via count out, but Cornette demands the match be restarted. Then he wins via DQ, and again Cornette demands the match to be restarted. Vader barely kicks out of the superkick and it looked more like a ref fuck up than an actual kick out. Then a ref bump. Powerbomb. A second ref comes in and HBK kicks out. Vader misses the moonsault. HBK then wins with his own moonsault. Title retained.
What an unfun show to watch. From everyone. 1996 WWF. Fuck it. Also fuck HBK. Despite being obviously great, he sure makes it a point to have not enjoyable matches and annoying as fuck promos. Also, FUCK THE BOILER ROOM BRAWL. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.