WWF King of the Ring 1996
It seems like Warrior vs King is the most important match of the show.
Steve Austin vs Marc Mero KOTR Semi-Finals
Owen Hart joins for commentary. Bringing in a Canadian for...color? Johnny B. Badd and Stunning Steve renew their rivalry. Again, Vince had just ended the Billionaire Ted skits and bitching about WCW stealing talent. Yet here we have two well known WCW stars in the opening match of the show. Vader will be on the show. The Godwinns will be on the show. Undertaker and Mankind will be on the show. Goldust will be on the show. Jim Ross is calling the show. But it's WCW who steals talent. And keep in mind that all the people WCW "stole" were people who were out of contract or gave Vince a fair chance to re-sign them. No one was "stolen", because that's illegal. Having more money to offer doesn't equal stealing. Austin hits a pretty dope Thesz press, although it missed the hysterics of later JR. Mero is USELESS without Johnny B. Badd stuff. He's just an empty shell. Oh shit, it's that fat kid with the bowl cut! He's back! Austin is motivated as fuck and the crowd appreciates it. Austin is dominating. Looked like he was going for the stunner, but it was a snap mare instead. Mero gets a sleeper. Austin drops into a jaw breaker that was close to stunner. Austin's mouth has been busted open at some point. Tope from Mero. Then he hits a suicide dive. Missile drop kick. HE'S WILDING OUT! Super rana. Austin kicks out. Stun Gun! 2 count. Stunner! Stunner! Stunner! Austin advances to the finals!
TO THE CUNT. PS talks with Jake Roberts, who drops a bunch of biblical references and then compares how he's going to beat Vader to robbing a bank. MIXED MESSAGES, MOTHER FUCKER.
Vader vs Jake Roberts KOTR Semi-Finals
The lighting gets super weird during this for a few seconds. Vader smashes Jake all around. Owen does kind of a shitty job at color man because he points out that if Jake was at his best 10 years ago and couldn't win a title or KOTR, then how could he do it now when he's older, slower, and in worse shape. Eek. That's going to make everyone that loses to him look pretty bad. Vader gets disqualified in about 4 minutes grabbing the ref while getting DDT'd. Vader crushes Jake after the match. Vader has been booked terribly in his first 6 months in the WWF. Fuck.
TO THE COLOSSEUM HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE. Vader threw a fit in the locker room and needed his ego stroked.
TO THE CUNT. Hayes asks Sunny about her replacement, Cloudy. She's not happy about it. Billy Gunn gets completely lost in his promo like his name was Roman Reigns.
The Godwinns vs Smoking Gunns WWF Tag Team Championships
WE GOT US SOME GOATS IN THE RING, MAGGLE! God I hope one of them shits in the ring. JR more or less calls Sunny a whore. Billy taunts Mideon by saying he fucks Sunny much better than Mideon ever could. I find that to be pretty believable. Cloudy gets a split screen interview. You see, it's a pun on Sunny. Cloudy. And it's a man. Fuck this match. No idea why Vince (more likely JR) thought it was a good call to bring in the Godwinns. I don't really know what they saw in the Smoking Gunns, either. It's not like they were anything to write home about. Gunns steal a win with a cowboy boot to the back of Mideon's dumb head. Titles retained.
TO THE CUNT. Corny is pretty excited that Bulldog is going to win the big one tonight. Owen on commentary, Mr. Perfect as outside enforcer, Corny at ringside. In fact, Mr. Perfect is in the same locker room. COLLUSION.
Jerry Lawler vs Ultimate Warrior
King does a promo from the royal stage and takes the scepter with him. RF Video sign behind him. Cheapest of cheap heat to stall for time. King attacks Warrior before the bell. He also has his fists taped, allegedly due to burns. Fucking LOL at 1996 Jerry Lawler dominating the ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Even with cheating and weapons that's ridiculous. Might as well be cousin Honky Tonk Man dominating Warrior. Does anyone in face paint sell piledrivers? Warrior no sells it, hits clotheslines, and wins with a flying shoulder block. Not even a press slam or splash. What a fucking rip off.
TO THE CUNT. Hayes speaks with G-Rilla in the locker room with Jake Roberts, who is being taped up by the trainer. Monsoon also points out that Jake is old and might not get another shot. That's a weird way to build a dude. HE'S SO OLD. HE'S SO FAR PAST HIS PRIME. HE DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. It makes dudes who lose to him look like shit, and doesn't do anything for guys that beat him.
Mankind vs Undertaker
Taker arrives on the top rope. He teleported! Diving lariato. Then he beats the shit out of Mankind in the corner. Then a different corner. Then he slows it down with the fucking claw. This shit ain't Texas, MARK. Old School. Mankind gets into it with an eye poke. Cactus Elbow! Taker is suddenly back in control until Cactus does the spinning lariato that DDP stole. Leathery mother fucker. Mankind gets some chairs out. Big boot to the chair! That chair had a family, damn it! Mankind is then back dropped onto that same chair/floor. Oh hey, I can't believe that Taker matches are fun to watch when he isn't choking for 80% of the match. Even in the match with Bret, a significant amount of time was devoted to Taker doing boring rest holds. Not that this doesn't have rest holds, but at least there is actual action in it. Taker is propped up against the steps. Mankind gets a running start and knees him in the face and nearly flips over the steps in the process. It's followed with a very far Cactus Elbow, which Taker gets a chair up to block the impact. Then cracks that sumbitch over Mankind's head. Piledriver in the ring. Undertaker can sell a piledriver, but Warrior can't sell a piledriver when it is a guy's finisher. Mankind pulls his hair out and steals the urn from Paul. Paul steals it back. Mandible Claw! MY GOD! Taker grabs a goozle. Paul accidentally hits him with the urn. Mandible Claw is back on. The ref calls the match. Mankind has won!
TO THE CUNT. Michael Hayes casts aspersions on Mr. Perfect. HBK also confronts Perfect.
Goldust vs Ahmed Johnson WWF Intercontinental Championship
Owen calls Perfect, "Curt Hennig", which seems weird even though Mr. Perfect was originally just a nick name in the WWF. Ahmed is in no mood to play. This all stems from Goldust giving Ahmed CPR and saving his life, but Ahmed was homophobic and thought Goldy was trying to make out with him. Huge dive from Ahmed. Imagine if Ahmed wasn't dangerous and was able to stay healthy. He tries to kill Goldy with the steps. Maybe this should have been a stairs match. Ahmed misses a Stinger Splash and Goldy goes to work. VLAD THE SUPER FAN! Goldy's knee brace is huge. He should probably get that checked out. I can only laugh at how easily Goldust moves and lifts the steps when Punk couldn't even get the top set unhooked. 87 pounds. The weight of an average 12 year old girl. Frail Fuck Phil. Goldy starts caressing dat ass. Ahmed has junk in his trunk. Can't blame him. Piledriver. 4th one of the show. Imagine that in 2015 WWE. Goldust has controversial "theatrics". That means groping a dude. I'm not sure there is really a story beyond Ahmed is sometimes overly athletic, but it isn't bad. Goldy tries to save Ahmed with CPR. He was blown up! He was trying to help! This sends Ahmed into a rage because FUCKING QUEERS. Spinebuster. Pearl River Plunge. New champion!
TO THE BACK. A bunch of shit heads celebrate with Ahmed.
Brian Pillman comes to the ring, still on crutches after his car wreck. Is he going to pull out his Ahmed Johnson and piss in the ring? Is he going to call Bischoff a piece of fucking shit? Is he going to stab a fan with a fork? No. He does talk about Jeffrey Dahmer and calls JR a stupid son of a bitch, though. BRIAN FN PILLMAN. Kind of hard to top the ECW appearances as far as being a loose cannon. Which he isn't referred to here. He's calls a time bomb. "I'm gonna RAPE, PILLAGE, and PLUNDER this entire Federation!" So he's a rapist now?
Steve Austin vs Jake Roberts KOTR Finals
Austin's lip is all stitched up. The Hollywood Blonds have a moment in the aisle. Jake is too hurt to even carry his snake out. He drags the bag out instead. So he's old, way past his prime, and injured. Yet somehow made it to the finals over guys 15 years younger than him. Jake gets very little offense and goes down to the Stone Cold Stunner in just a couple of minutes. At one point, G-Rilla comes to the ring to stop the match, but Jake wouldn't let him. He should have. Steve Austin is the new King of the Ring!
TO THE CUNT. The Cunt is in charge of the coronation for King Steve. Austin shits all over Jake, the bible, and says AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHIPPED YOUR ASS. Steve Austin's time has come. And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold said so.
Shawn Michaels vs British Bulldog WWF Championship Special Guest Enforcer: Mr. Perfect
G-Rilla comes out and decrees that Mr. Perfect will be the outside official. Which is what I thought the original idea was to begin with. Earl will be the ref inside the ring. Standard mat wrestling stuff. Side headlocks into head scissors on loop. By the way, the blimp in the arena for this show is the Sega Saturn blimp. HBK skins the cat and pulls Bulldog over the top in the process. Then a rana off the apron and a spanking to Corny. Then it slows right back down with headlocks. Weird spot where both do leap frogs and just stare at each other until HBK calls a spot. Then back to headlocks. HBK hits a divorce court OUTTA NOWHERE and is promptly press slammed to the floor. This is followed with a suplex on the floor. God damn gold dust all over the place still. Back to headlocks. You'd think these two could put on a more entertaining and fast paced match, yet two PPVs in a row prove otherwise. Bulldog tries a diving headbutt and slips. He would have missed anyway. Superplex from DA DAWG. Liger Bomb from Davey. 2 count. Davey takes his patented Euro bump into the corner. HBK KIDS UP. Superkick for the win. Title retained. Owen pulled Perfect out at the 2 count so they could try to claim another draw. It didn't work. Owen gets put in a figure four while Bulldog is caught in a small package. Then he gets a spin kick to the face with dress shoes. Suddenly, AHMED JOHNSON hits the ring. Then VADER. Then THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Looks like we've got a main event set up for the next PPV.
TO THE COLOSSEUM HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE. JR got words with Camp Cornette. Fuck this piece of shit. Corny with the racism saying Jose pulled a switch blade on him.
Another whatever show. WWE in 1996 is SO stale. This show has the birth of Austin 3:16, Pillman saying he's going to rape people, and Foley opening up Taker's work style, yet it still feels so dated and stale. Bulldog and HBK put on their second shockingly boring PPV main event in a row. Big changes are needed. At this point in the year in WCW, cruisers were tearing it up on the undercard and Hall/Nash had been wreaking havoc for weeks. And even before the nWo stuff, WCW angles were better anyway.