Best of WWE 2014 Part 5

Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella Summerslam 2014

What is Honda Housey doing in the Impact Zone?  If I'm not mistaken, this match is based around prison rape.  Steph looks hot as fuck and jacked.  Dem triceps.  Steph is the definition of MILF.  And no doubt she fucks like an animal, like a true McMahon.  ARM DRAGS.  Steph leveled up.  A lot.  Amazing to think this is the same screechy voiced brat from a decade ago.  Brie tires a suicide dive.  Steph slams her face into the apron instead.  DDT!  Steph is legit, friends.  Fun, playful, sexy, stronk.  Perfect neck whip!  She's done her homework.  Steph had studies the tapes.  She's been on the WWE Network, devouring techniques and game plans.  LOU THESZ THESZ THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN THESZ PRESS.  BRIE MOOOOOOOooooooOOooOOooOOoOooOooOOOooOde!  Such a weird thing to be a face catch phrase when Brie Mode means you're sloppy drunk and annoying as shit to everyone around you.  Hunner comes to ringside.  So does Nikki.  YES LOCK!  HHH pulls the ref out.  Brie hits a baseball slide on him.  Steph is stuck between two Bellas.  NIKKI DROPS BRIE.  MY GOD.  SWERVE!  Pedigree.  Steph wins!  Steph wins!  Steph wins!  

This feels like a Pat Patterson joint.  Whoever laid it out did a great job.  This match was fun and playful and might have been the MOTN at Summerslam

Brock Lesnar vs John Cena WWE World Heavyweight Championship Summerslam 2014

F5 30 seconds in.  I think Brock has Cena's number, guys.  16 German suplexes later, Brock Lesnar is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Sometimes a story is more important than the actual match work.  Except in this case, the story was completely undermined a month later, so it makes this whole thing pretty pointless.

Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose Falls Count Anywhere Raw 8/18/14

Anywhere, Maggle.  This could end up in the road!  Or in a casino!  Or in a brothel!  Or in the concessions!  The falls count anywhere and I love it!  Quickly we head into the crowd.  Which is where the lumberjack match went the night before.  Because the lumberjacks fucking suck at their jobs.  To the stage.  Dean gets some chairs and a kendo stick.  CZFNW!  Dean dances and gets sent into a wedge chair in the corner.  When we come back from break, Seth is trying to feed him a kendo stick.  Seth ducks the rebound lariat and hits an enzuiguri.  Tornado DDT from Dean.  He's so crazy.  Unhinged.  He's a lunatic.  Mid air collision.  On no.  They're hurt, guys.  Guys.  I think they're hurt, guys.  Guys.  We got sling shots and canes and JEEEEEEZUS.  A good time was had by all.  More chairs. Running Liger bomb on a pile of chairs.  I bet tht fucking sucked.  That god damn Korporate Koncessions Damon Dentist Kane has arrived.  Of course.  Seth gets a table.  Things are getting XTREME.  Superplex through a table.  WE GOT US A FLYING LUNATIC!  Rollins gets sent for a loop on the rebound lariatooooo.  Dirty Deeds.  Kane breaks the pin.  God damn Kane.  So sick of his accountant ass.  Dean finds stuff to run and jump off, because, again, that's kind of his thing now.  Chokeslam and curb stomp on a table.  Suddenly, a stack of cinder blocks is revealed.  Curb stomp off the table through cinder blocks.  Dean literally just got murdered, right?  Seth wins via referee stoppage. And murder.  

This was much better than their match at Summerslam in my opinion.  A hate filled brawl that it needed to be and set up for another match whenever Dean came back.  I think a curb stomp through cinder blocks should probably kill a guy, but whatever. 

Bayley vs Charlotte NXT Women's Championship NXT Takeover 2 9/11/14

I think Bayley could be a big hit with young girls on the main roster.  Plain face, not sexualized at all (although a BANGING body holy shit), goofy and fun, wacky inflatable guys, the hair bands.  Could be big if the main roster treated women wrestling like NXT does.  This has been building since the last NXT super show.  Charlotte uses her size, strength, and meanness advantage to play right away.  She's a meanie.  Rolling head scissors.  On the mat, not spinny dude style.  Bayley FIRES UP.  She's had enough of this shit.  Charlotte puts an end to all that nonsense.  Bayley hits a super frankensteiner.  She didn't come play.  Look at the adjective.  2 count.  Charlotte does a pretty dope school girl into the bottom turn buckle.  She then does a moonsault with great rotation, but zero impact.  Bayley won't stand down and gets hit with the Bow Down.  Title retained.  But Bayley has gained the respect of Charlotte.

Tyler Breeze vs Tyson Kidd vs Sami Zayn vs Adrian Neville NXT Championship NXT Takeover 2 9/11/14

This is going to be indie as fuck.  It quickly pairs off into heels vs faces and then Sami and Neville have a show down.  Blasted heels break it up before anything can happen.  Sami takes a selfie with Tyler's phone.  Neville gets double suplexed on the "steel" stage that is most definitely made of wood.  The ramp is steel.  The stage is not.  Sami gets suplexed on the steel ramp.  The heels double team Sami in the ring for a while.  That is, until Tyler tries to go for a pin.  So Tyson kicks him in the face.  Tyson is running shit in here.  #FACT.  Neville steals Sami's dive shine.  We're finally about to get this show down between the two.  It doesn't last long before that cat cunt Tyson ruins it.  Sami gets launched into Neville, who was on the top rope.  Neville takes a hard fall to the floor and Tyson tries to steal the match.  Instead, it is Tyler who nearly steals the match OUTTA NOWHERE.  Fucking tower of doom bullshit.  The most annoying part of that spot is the guy on the bottom who doesn't even take a bump sells it like death.  I hate that spot and wish it would be retired forever.  Sami has been cut off the whole match.  He can't get anything off.  SSP on Sami.  Tyler throws Neville out and pins Sami 12HEGOTHIMNOHEDIDN'T.  Neville holds Tyler's hand to prevent him from tapping to the sharpshooter.  Another show down with Neville and Sami.  Sami throws him to the floor and takes a terrible bump on a suicide dive.  Leaping tornado DDT to Tyler.  Heluva kick to Tyson.  Neville pulls the ref out of the ring.  Sami hits to floor to confront his friend, who promptly superkicks him and hits the Red Arrow on Tyson to retain his title.

Somehow this was less indie as Tyson/Neville.  It was more structured and had more of an internal story than the singles match did.  Not sure how that happened, because 4 ways are generally indie as fuck even with main event WWE guys.

Sheamus vs Cesaro WWE US Championship Night of Champions 2014

They've had 100 matches this year but whatever.  They hit each other really hard.  JBL says the same thing before every match: "This is going to be PHYSICAL."  Sheamus' facial hair looks disgusting.  Looks like a fucking bum.  Trim that shit up, fella.  Glad to see Cesaro finally has knee pads.  Sheamus looks so grumpy and depressed.  Should be a new take on his character.  Instead of a smiling FELLA, he should be a grumpy asshole who fights not because he loves it, but because it's the only way he can express his sorrow.  A lot of knee drops in this it seems.  And sleeper battles.  Swiss lariatooooo.  They're hitting each other pretty hard.  Sometimes that is all it takes.  Sheamus pulls out a new move: Iconoclasm.  Pop up uppercut!  2 count.  Cesaro ducks the Bro Kick and does a SHOOT tiger bomb.  He dodges it again into the Apamara Waterslide.  2 count.  HIT HIM HARDER.  Big boot, mother fuckers.  Another one.  Bro kick OUTTA NOWHERE.  Title retained.

John Cena vs Brock Lesnar WWE World Heavyweight Championship Night of Champions 2014

Summerslam had the most one sided main event title match since Diesel vs Bob Backlund in 1994 when the Garden had 35,000 jammed in to see their hero Kevin Nash.  Cena blocks a German suplex, hits lariatos, and hits the FU about a minute in.  About as much offense he had in the entire match at SS.  For some reason, he's shocked Brock kicked out.  You'd probably have to go back to 2006 for the last time it took only one FU to end a PPV match.  So this is against Brock and in the first minute and he's shocked?  Get that shit out of here.  German suplex.  He should hit the next 15 in rapid succession this time.  Cena has been able to get to the ropes on three different kimura attempts.  German suplexes.  Snap suplexes.  This match has already ruined the build up Brock has had this year.  3 matches and 3 utter destructions.  But here, it's basically just another Cena match.  I'd like to see him smirk like a dipshit in this, though.  Lesnar takes his gloves off, signifying that he's no longer playing games.  Then Cena hits an FU LOLCENAWINS.  Just kidding.  STF.  Brock turns it into a kimura.  Cena stands up with it and rams Brock into the corner before it is broken.  FU.  STF.  FU.  Seth Rollins OUTTA NOWHERE breaks up the pin. He hits Cena with the MITB briefcase.  Then he curb stomps Brock and tries to cash in.  Cena prevents the match from ever happening.  YOU FOOL!  Brock hits an F5 on Cena after all of this.  Cena wins by DQ, but title is retained.

What a MASSIVE waste of Brock, Summerslam, and the breaking of the streak.  This is why WWE can't have good things anymore.  Too afraid to go with change, to stick with the long term planning.  Especially when it involves John Cena.  We saw that earlier in the year with the Wyatt angle.  It made so much sense for Wyatt to win the feud.  It would have cemented him, it would have given Cena a fresh direction to take his character.  And it seemed like it was going that way until someone slammed on the breaks right at the end and changed their minds.   Never mind that the finish didn't make sense anyway.  Rollins had no reason to interupt the finish.  Cena could have won and then he could slide in to hit the curb stomp immediately and would have won the title, instead of breaking the pin, standing around, curb stomping Brock, standing around, then cashing in, then Cena chases him away.

Dolph Ziggler vs Cesaro WWE Intercontinental Championship 2/3 Falls HIAC 2014

Dolph out wrestles Cesaro, so there's that.  WM3 pinning sequence.  Swing is countered into a small package.  Then we get the swing for real.  4000 rotations.  Another small package gets Dolph the first fall.  

Cesairo dominates much of the second fall.  Cesaro does the most ridiculous superplex yet, holding Ziggler on him for a good 2 minutes, then walking up the ropes, still holding Ziggler, then doing the superplex with Ziggler's feet never even touching the ropes.  Very European uppercut gets a 2 count.  Dolph then hits his ultra combo finisher and wins 2 straight falls, meaning Cesaro is officially a pro jobber.  Title retained.