WWE Surivior Series 2003

Team Angle vs Team Lesnar

Angle/Cena/Benoit/Hardcore Holly/Bradshaw.  What a team.  Lesnar/Big Show/Matt Morgan/Nathan Jones/A-Train.  What a team. Cena's opening rippity raps compares himself to a fetus and everyone else as after birth.  "He's a giant.  I'm a giant whistle, so go ahead and blow me."  Clever.  Yo, Nathan Jones is HUGE.  What a jacked mother fucker.  I can see why Vince tried with him.  Bobcore attacks Bork while Brock was doing his jumping pyro thing.  Then he shoves a ref and is immediately disqualified before the match even officially begins.  Lol.  Albert and JBL begin the match.  And then Albert is quickly eliminated with the Clothesline from Hell.  Then he's almost immediately chokeslammed and eliminated.  It's one of those kind of matches, I see.  Cena and Bork square off.  It's nice to see that Matt Morgan NEVER improved.  Dude was just as shitty during his main event run in TNA as he was here in 2003.  Actually, I'm not sure Cena has improved much, either.  Benoit gives Bork THE BUSINESS.  He's also more over than Cener.  Crazy that Brock is actually the smallest guy on his team.  Benoit gets stuck in a pretty long FIP segment.  Angle has yet to get involved.  Until now.  Rolling Germans to Morgan.  Basement dropkick to Jones.  German to Brock.  Basement dropkick to Show.  HE'S KURTING UP!  Angle slam eliminates Morgan.  Jones gets clocked with a Show lariato.  Ankle lock puts him out.  Then he turns right into an F5 and is eliminated.  Brock/Show vs Cena/Benoit.  F5 countered into the Iron Crossface.  Brock taps out!  MY GOD!  Benoit does a STANDING flying headbutt.  Weird.  Benoit gets bumped into Cena, which counts as a tag.  Cena uses his chain and then hits the FU on Big Show to get the win.  That's right, Cena's been doing the impossible and putting Show on his shoulders for over a decade now.

TO THE BACK.  Vince meets up with Shane.  He wants to let Shane know how he feels.  A father and son competing in matches against two brothers tonight.  It's a spiritual thang.  He feels protected by a Higher Power.  He IS the Higher Power, though.  Shane feels sorry for Vince.  Vince walks out and runs into Stone Cold.  Austin lol'd.  Then he serioused.  Then he walked off.  That was weird.

Lita vs Molly WWE Women's Championship

Lita is quickly on the offense and dominating until she tries a head scissors and gets tossed to the floor.  Molly keeps Lita grounded, but you can't keep a flyer down, friends.  Lita bomb.  OUTTA NOWHERE.  LIta misses the moonsault.  Then kicks out of the Molly Go Round. Molly wins with a drop toe hold into an exposed turnbuckle.  Title retained.

Kane vs Shane McMahon Ambulance Match

Kane almost dies on the first spot by landing on his head getting dumped over the top rope.  The Spanish announce table comes into play right away.  Leap of faith connects.  It's like...2 minutes in.  Seems like a spot to save for later in the match.  Shane runs into the crowd, hoping Kane will follow.  He does, because he's a dumb shit like that.  To the back we go.  Until the camera cuts out and they have to send a second camera man back since all you got to see was a black screen.  Shane legit hits Kane in the ass with a kendo stick and then tries to back into him.  Apparently he did.  It sent Kane through the security booth.  Then he gets on a walkie talkie for the ambulance.  "Kane is literally dead weight."  Well, he's not dead, so you're literally wrong, Jim.  LOL the camera cuts out AGAIN.  3rd camera man gets sent to the back as the fans boo again.  JR again uses literally incorrectly.  Does he think he's Gorilla or something?  The head back into the arena and Shane's head cracks the windshield of the ambulance. Shane drills Kane in the head with the ambulance door.  GOD DAMN.  That gave me a concussion.  Jesus Christ.  That was fucking brutal. The sound was disgusting.  I have no idea how it didn't bust Kane open and break his brain forever.  Shane puts down what is clearly a giant pad/cardboard box so he can do a Van Terminator off the ambulance.  Shane gets Kane in the ambulance, but Kane drags him in as well.  Get MAD, Kane.  Let your inner Damon come out.  This dude tried to crack your half shaved head open.  Tombstone on the floor.  Kane wins.  

TO THE MEAN JOSH.  Josh Matthews asks Brock how it feels that his team lost and that he tapped out.  Brock says neither of those things happened.  Just then, GOLDBERG walks into the interview.  Both champions of their respective brands.  Hands are shaken.  Goldberg is cocky.  Bork is shook.

COACH comes out.  "Here's a guy who should volunteer for enema research."  Wtf, JR?  He lets everyone know that his neck will be fine in a few days.  JR makes another asshole reference.  Coach sees Mark Cuban in the front row.  Coach is going to interview him.  Mark is looking forward to Austin kicking Bischoff's ass tonight.  All referees SUCK.  Bischoff comes out and takes over.  "What happened to the Survivor Series?"  Bischoff invites him Mark into the ring.  Bischoff says he rented the building so he can have Mark thrown out.  Then shoves Mark.  Mark shoves him back.  RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!  My god!

TO THE BACK.  The rest of Evolution is partying.  HHH is about to bang some broads.  Flair cockblocks him, because the champ can't have weak knees before a fight.  Randy comes back and brags about his RKO.  

Basham Brothers vs Los Guerreros WWE Tag Team Championships

Eddie and Chavo have been having some problems lately I guess.  Basham's have new bondage gear for their entrance.  It's been a shitty month for Eddie.  Lost the US and tag titles and had a low rider destroyed.  It's a match, I guess. Shaniqua goes full Chyna on Eddie, slamming him and everything.  Really nothing of note.  Chavo gets pinned with a roll up after accidentally kicking Eddie during a tornado DDT.  Titles retained.

Team Austin vs Team Bischoff

If Team Austin loses, Austin is out as co-GM of Raw.  HBK/Booker/Dudley Boyz/RVD vs Orton/Steiner/Christian/Jericho/Mark Henry.  More weird teams.  Mark wearing a gray singlet is not a good look.  Unless you want a good look of what smashed into Mae Young.  HBK and Austin are the most over guys on the whole show.  And tables.  Christian and Devon start the match.  Yellow and gray camo is gross looking.  So is Christian.  This is almost a best of TNA match.  RVD and Jericho do the enzuigiri spot they did in every match against each other for 14 years.  I wish there had been pre-match promos.  And by promos, I mean a Scott Steiner promo.  Super belly to belly on RVD.  Booker and Scott pair off in the last vestiges of WCW.  Things break down in the Impact Zone.  Stacy gets on the apron and cheers for Book.  Reverse 3D on Steiner.  Book End eliminates Scotty.  World's Strong Slam immediately eliminates Book.  Bubber should start dancing again.  3D on Mizark!  Frog splash.  Mark is eliminated.  HBK and Orton have yet to enter the match.  Orton finally tags in to beat up RVD.  LARIATOOOO.  RKO OUTTA NOWHERE eliminates RVD.  JR randomly drops a LBJ reference with a line about "nut cutting time".  Jericho eliminates Devon with the spinning sleeper slam thing.  Did that ever get a name?  HBK finally tags in like 12 minutes into the match.  Bubber is eliminated after a low blow and Unprettier.  Austin's career depends on HBK and HBK alone. 

Christian sling shots him into the ring post and is suddenly covered in blood.  The Passion of the Shawn.  Superkick OUTTA NOWHERE!  Christian is eliminated!  The irony.  HBK and HHH in this period were fucking ridiculous with their blading.  HBK just kind of floats around, as if the blood loss has made him weightless.  His head is covered.  Half of his face looks like it got the skin sliced off.  Small package OUTTA NOWHERE!  Jericho is gone!  One man for each team remaining.  Jericho drills HBK with a chair.  HBK kicks out!  Ref bump.  Bischoff kicks HBK before he can hit a superkick.  Austin beats his ass.  Stunner on Orton.  BATISTA BOMB OUTTA NOWHERE.  Austin is gone.  He's done. He's finished.  Outta here.  Fired.  Canned.  Given the pink slip.  Laid off.  TERMINATED.  Austin and HBK share a moment.  Austin helps Shawn up, shakes his hand, and DOESN'T stun him.  He helps Shawn to the back and then comes back out for what is his goodbye.  

In a very somber voice, he talks about starting his career in Dallas in 1989.  Shawn's blood on his face makes it look like he has a bloody tear drop.  This is the going away speech that he didn't get to give after WM19.  He says he loves the shit out of the fans and drops the mic.  Then Coach comes out with security.  Cans of whoop ass for everyone are opened.  


Vince McMahon vs Undertaker Buried Alive Match

Vince comes to the ring smugly praying.  Taker is a vengeful god.  Lol, the FIRST PUNCH busts Vince open.  He's trying to out do HBK.  He might have done it, because his head is pissing blood.  Vince gets his grapefruits crushed on two ring posts.  Covered in blood.  Ridiculous.  I don't really miss that kind of stuff.  Blood improves a story sometimes, but it is usually pretty unnecessary.  Even weirder to me that Vince was always pissy about guys blading, yet he would bleed like a stuck pig when in the ring.  Taker goes to the grave just to get the shovel.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking baseball bat swing to the FACE.  Taker tries to break Vince's ankle on the steps like he did in 1998.  This is a brutal beat down.  Everything Bret vs Vince should have been.  Vince finally gets some offense at the grave site: Dirty in the eyes and a low blow.  He hits Taker with a shovel.  It knocks Taker into the grave.  Taker pulls him in and jumps out.  He goes up to the pay loader when there was an explosion.  IT'S THE DAMON KANE!  WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?!?!  THE DAMON KANE!  GUYS, GUYS LOOK.  GUYS.  IT'S THE DAMON KANE, GUYS!  Vince dumps the dirty dirty dirt on Taker.  Vince wins!  Taker got BERRIED.  Yo, Cole has aged a LOT in 11 years.  


Goldberg vs HHH World Heavyweight Championship

HHH went old school and put a bounty on Goldberg.  Bateaster is the one who collected the bounty.  Now, both guys are injured coming into this.  Goldberg with a bad ankle and HHH with a groin injury he's been nursing since early Summer.  HHH tries to start before the bell.  Ric distracts the ref.  Spear!  But the Bill goes after Flair.  And now the bell rings.  Say what you want about Jesus.  Goldberg is clearly the King of the Jews.  Look at that mother fucker.  Goldberg can't hold a press slam due to his ankle.  HHH goes right to it.  HHH takes some cues from Taker by placing Goldberg's leg on the steps and smashing it with a chair.  Flair of course gets involved a lot.  HHH has Goldberg in a half crab.  Goldberg's hands are grabbing the apron.  Earl is looking right at this and not telling HHH to break the hold.  It's a match.  HHH is hurt so he can't do a whole lot, yet he's controlling the match.  Goldberg is having to sell an injury the whole match, which isn't his strong suit.  Ref bump.  Flair throws HHH some brass knuckles.  Power of the punch!  Goldberg kicks out at 2 and 15/16ths.  Fuck you, Joey Styles.  HHH drops an elbow on Earl and goes for the sledgehammer.  He doesn't get to use it.  Goldberg does.  He lays out all of Evolution with it.  Pedigree is countered. Spear.  Jackhammer.  Earl finally crawls his way over.  Goldberg wins.  Title retained.    

 

Inoffensive and pretty unmemorable.  Your general 2003 PPV.  All a blur of "I forgot he was around that early/still around".  I guess Austin vs Bischoff was the best match of the show, but Kane/Shane was certainly more of a spectacle.  I bet Kane had such a terrible headache for WEEKS after this match.  That door to the head was fucking brutal. 

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