ECW Cyberslam 1996
Bad Crew/Judge Dredd vs Don E. Allen/Dino Sendoff/Dirtbike Kid
Get this shit out of here. Fans immediately shit all over this. Thankfully it only lasts about 2 minutes. Bad Crew and The Law win and then Sandman comes out to fuck everyone up. YO! YO! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
El Puerto Ricano vs Spiro Greco
Does ECW have a dude named after former vice president Spiro Agnew? He's Greek, if you couldn't tell. You'd think Puerto Ricano would be from Puerto Rico. He's from Ecuador. Spiro has a weird knee lift. Can we get Sandman back out here? This sucks and the fans let them know it sucks. Jimmy The Greek wins with a pump handle slam thing. It sucked.
Taz vs Joel Hartgood
Joel looks like he is very likely a neo Nazi. Taz dominates in another super short match. Damage Control (Marvel should have sued Paul) came out to stretcher Joel out. Taz knocks him off the stretcher. A host of jobbers come to the ring and get suplexed. Mikey comes out, decks Fonzie and gives it to Taz before getting dumped on his head and locked in the Tazmission.
TO THE MEAN JOEY. Joey welcomes us to the show, even though there have already been 2 matches. I hate how ECW does their editing and time lines. You get so much shit where Joey talks about the show that has already happened in the past tense, but then talks in the present tense to go do talking segments...on a show he just talked about in the past tense. Shit kills me. The lights go out. IT'S BRIAN PILLMAN! What is he doing in the Impact Zone? The fans begin to sing "Bischoff takes it up the ass" to the tune of Camp Town Races. Pillman likes Joey and then shits on Bischoff. Who takes it up the ass. Doo dah, doo dah. JERKOFF. He rants about the Constitution. There is a sign in the front row that says PILLMAN-DON'T WORK ME. Smarky mother fuckers. "You..are a piece...of FUCKING SHIT." "Because I'm BRIAN FUCKING PILLMAN!" "Eric Bischoff is each and every one of these mother fuckin' smart smarks all rolled into one giant piece of shit!" He goes on to talk more about smart and regular marks. He's exposing DA BUSINESS! A mark is a guy who uses his last $20 to by crack. A mark is a guy who thinks OJ didn't do it. Pillman is going to YANK OUT HIS JOHNSON AND PISS IN THIS HELL HOLE. Paul Heyman, Tod Gordon, and Shane Douglas hit the ring, saying this isn't part of the deal, brother. Pillman doesn't give a shit, BOOKERMAN. You can here Shane say, "He's shooting, he's shooting!". Paul goes crazy and starts screaming FUCK YOU at Pillman. Cops eventually drag Pillman out. On his way out, he spits in Buttnick's face and gets into a fight with him. HE'S SHOOTING! He starts stabbing this dude with a fork until Shane runs him off. Shane won't leave the ring until Pillman is gone from the building. Pillman comes BACK, even with 3 cops and 3 or 4 security guards dragging him. Then he gets sent out to through the back door.
Well, this was more Loose Cannon than anything he did in WCW, but by modern eyes, it is obnoxious as fuck. This might be the single most "book for subscribers of the Wrestling Observer" segment I've ever seen.
Mr. Hughes vs Buh-Buh Ray Dudley
So weird how Bubber's character path went. From inbred stutterer who dances all the time to extremely violent New Yawker who tries to start riots to a bully to a biker bully and then back to extremely violent New Yawker. Big Dick hits Hughes with his crutch. Bubber then hits a Superfly Splash to win in like 30 seconds.
Bruise Brothers vs Head Hunters
FUCKING HARRIS BROTHERS. GOD DAMN IT. They're replacing the Gangstas, on account of New Jack having been arrested. Mustafa was going to do the match by himself, but Damien Kane came out and offered to let Mustafa into his group to shine shoes and clean stuff. The only job Mustafa needs is a HAND JOB! "I can't help it you boys are fucking criminals!" Mustafa attacks. The Head Hunters hit the ring. Then the FUCKING HARRIS BROTHERS show up. Fuck this show. Fuck ECW. This show has been terrible. "Looks like a Doublemint commercial gone hardcore!" And this cunt has the nerve to shit on Bobby fucking Heenan? Both teams make pins at the same time, the Harris Bros got the win because cism. Fuck ECW.
TO THE MEAN JOEY. Joey I guess introduces us to what will be the second episode of Hardcore TV from this show. He brings Tommy Dreamer to the ring. The pregnant Beulah accompanies him. He's missing an arm. Where did your arm go, Tommy? God, the dubbed over crowd noise for this is fucking horrendous. Raven, Kimona, Stevie, and the Blue Meanie come out. Raven says China cuts of hands of thieves. And then shit in Indonesia and Thailand. What he's saying is he's going to cut Tommy's dick off. Shane and the Harris Brothers come out. "YOU WANT TO FIGHT MOTHER FUCKER?!?" The Harris Bros then attack Dreamer. SWERVE. Fuck this show. They repeatedly crotch him on the ring post.
JT Smith vs Axel Rotten
This match came about because JT and Axel were randomly paired up on the last show and JT just as randomly turned on Axel for no reason. And moments in, a fat white man with a mullet and skull/snake shirt is trying to lynch a black man pretending he is Sicilian as the crowd chants YOU SUCK DICK. The 90s were a terrible time. Leon Spinks is in the crowd, looking very confused. This is so shitty. The whole show. Fuck. FUCK. JT FAKES his botch gimmick so he can hit Axel with a chair for the win. SWERVE. He does a moonsault with a chair after the match. Hack Myers comes out, gets duped into dancing with JT, and JT then SWERVES him as well, even though they've been feuding for like 3 months. The first match to go over 5 minutes and it was for Axel fucking Rotten?
Eliminators/Stevie Richards vs Pitbulls/Francine Triple Dog Collar Match
FUCK. Stevie immediately superkicks Francine to start the match and then he takes off the dog collar. Saturn has a HORRIFICALLY massive zit/boil/growth thing on his back. What in the fuck. It's like a ping pong ball. It seems likely to me that Kronus is fucked up. Eliminators do the POWER PLEX. Listen. They are no Power and Glory. Stevie is running around throwing superkicks like he's a Young Buck. This fucking sucks. Even by shitty ECW brawl everywhere kind of matches. Kronus isn't even pretending to sell shit. The Pitbulls CAN'T sell shit. Stevie and Francine have been unchained since the start. Francine is dead. Stevie is just running around freely, no one bothering to even ask him to put his collar back on. The fight of course heads to the Eagle's Nest. Saturn does his assisted moonsault thing. You know, Joey always talks like he's so scared when fights head to the EN, but he's NEVER THERE. He didn't call matches from up there. He didn't do live commentary except on PPVs. And the cameras always reveal he isn't up there. Just like all the "live" promos said to be at the ECW arena or whatever place they are in, yet it is often revealed to just be a banner in front of a wall in a hotel or Paul's basement. Pitbull 1 saves Francine from a Total Elimination by spearing her. Non-sexually. Saturn no doubt gets concussed on a super bomb. Pitbulls win. By the end of the match, no one is attached to any chains or collars. Francine ends up pinning Stevie. She gets totally eliminated after the match anyway.
2 Cold Scorpio vs Sabu ECW Television Championship
This could either be dope or a HUGE mess. Probably moments of both. It's about a minute in when Sabu goes for his first chair, drops it outside of the ring, then jumps back out to get another one and breaks a table. He recovers to hit Air Sabu. First dive into the crowd. I'm sure there will be at least 3 more of those. Sabu somehow botches a slingshot leg drop. Not even the rolling kind. Just a standard "jump over the rope into a leg drop". Huge powerbomb from Scorp. Essentially his first move of the match. Then a guillotine leg drop. "Sabu is SHIT!" I'm glad ECW wrestlers know they can curse so much. So edgy. So EXTREME. Super duper Cactus Clothesline sends Sabu's head bouncing off the guard rail. Did they EVER clean the floor at the ECW arena? Old people went there for bingo during the week, right? You're letting the elderly be on a floor so dirty and slippery? I wonder what caused Scorp to stop working out. Dude got pudgy as shit for a while there. So much so that his weight became a running joke during announcements. The show goes to "break", because for some reason they did all the TV editing into the official full show. Sabu trying to be "slow and methodical" is weird. It's generally weird for Scorpio as well, but he can do it when need be. Sabu of course probably destroyed his knee. And ribs. And neck. Doing stupid shit. This is one of those, "We're going to extend this match by breaking/not going for pins and standing around instead" kind of matches. Scorp misses his weird cartwheel splash thing. Fans are standing and applauding, just because they like big spots, because there isn't much story to this match. It's like this: Scorp hits a few big moves, then misses a big move. Sabu hits a big move, then gets hurt. Repeat. A second dive almost goes into the crowd, but Scorp didn't want to go over the guard rail. Sabu probably breaks his shin or knee cap on the guard rail trying an Asai moonsault. Sabu puts Scorp on a table in the crowd. He then does a double jump flip and goes crashing through the table, because Scorp ain't taking that shit. Joey does the worst "Oh my god, he's dead." Sounded like a clip from a video game. It was supposed to be his serious voice. It sounded terrible. Joey then brags about how nuts, crazy, insane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs etc etc etc ECW is. Even though he's dead, Sabu is back on offense about a minute later. Moonsault to NOWHERE. Wtf. Scorp wasn't even near the corner, Sabu. The fuck were you thinking? The bomb has been dropped. Sabu kicked out! At 2 and 15/16ths! Fuck off, Joey. God damn I hate Joey Styles. So annoying. He has two modes: Snarky shit head or screaming idiot. Often in the same sentence. Sabu almost wins with a double jump super rana. Sabu can loudly be heard to say YOU MOTHERFU before a double clothesline. The time limit is approaching. 450. Scorp just laughs and doesn't even try a pin, which is what he has been doing all match for no reason. Time runs out. Time limit draw. Title retained. Man, this should not have been 30 minutes long. They could have done a 15 minute match ending in both guys unable to continue and it would have been a LOT better. As it was, it was full of nonsense down time and Scorp just...not pinning Sabu.
Cactus Jack vs Shane Douglas
This is Cactus' going away match before heading to the WWF (ish. He'd have at least one more match after this). Interestingly, he starts the match in a ratty dress shirt and tie, looking very much like Mankind of 1998-1999. Even though he's on his way to the WWF, he has an Eric Bischoff shirt on under his dress shirt. MANKIND SUCKS chants start up. There is a lot of back story to this. Shane and Mick trained together. Mick would stay with Shane and his family during the training. Before Shane went off to be a dean, he and Cactus were in a feud and Shane wouldn't face Cactus. Now, Shane is back from the WWF and Mick is heading there and they're finally hooking up. Also of note is that Brian Hildebrand (Mark Curtis in WCW) is the ref, and he also trained with these two. Cactus gets suplexed on the guard rail. Gross. Shane dives from the top rope into the crowd. Shane Douglas. Hat Guy tries to start a Pillman chant. No one goes for it. But the crowd does break into an AHMED JOHNSON chant. Then RAZOR RAZOR. I can't even tell who that is supposed to be insulting. Cactus gets in control by working over both the throat and knee of Shane. Poor Shane. He could have been in the Royal Rumble. He could have been heading to a Wrestlemania match. Now he's in a shit hole working 100% harder than he did/needed to in the WWF for much less money. Cactus catches his spit. VINTAGE Cactus. He also tries to bust Shane open in the manner of a Harley Race. Hildebrand sneaks a chain or something to Shane, who uses it and drills Cactus. He then handcuffs Cactus. 4 chair shots to the head. 5. 6. 7. 8. Shane says he'll stop if Cactus quits. Instead, he asks for Vince. 9. 10. Mick screams for Mikey. 11. Figure four. Mikey does come out...and fucking DRILLS Cactus in the face with a chair. At least that one was plastic. Technically, Cactus had that coming. Cactus is counted down to a figure four. It's crazy to me that Mick thought that would be a good spot to revisit 3 years later. A total of 11 chair shots to the head, all unprotected. Plus one to the back.
Raven vs The Sandman ECW Championship
Missy Hyatt is now with Sandman. 8 hours later, Sandman makes it to the ring. Raven attacks first and it quickly heads to the floor. Then back in the ring where Sandman hits a perfect delayed brainbustaaaa. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was just a botched suplex. Meanie randomly gets up on the apron, which distracts Sandman. Evenflow on a chair. Missy distracts the ref. Raven clearly says, "I'll fuck you up" to her. Sandman hits a DDT on a chair. Kimona breaks the pin. Cat fight. Not just a cat fight. Missy stiffs the shit out of Kimona. So far: 3 run ins/outside interferers. Now Stevie superkicks Sandman. 4 run ins. Ref bump. Another ref bump. Meanie and Stevie get involved together. I'll count that as 6 run ins. The Harris Brothers get involved. 8 run ins. Raven tries to superplex Sandman onto an open chair. He settles for a face buster. DDT on a chair. Raven wins. Title retained. Fans chant BULLSHIT. Some debris is thrown around. After the match, Meanie stays around and gets his ass kicked. He made the mistake of pouring beer on Sandman. It's like spinach to Popeye. Sandman then screams for "Mommy". Which is Missy. She gives him a smoke and a beer.
Man, FUCK THIS SHOW. I'd rather rewatch King of the Ring 1995. I'd rather rewatch Spring Stampede 2000. This show is dog shit. 10 matches. Only 2 on the whole show didn't have a run in before, during, or after the match and one of those had a non-finish. The first 5 were under 5 minutes. The main event was 10 minutes long and had 8 run ins and 2 ref bumps. Everything with Pillman was the smarkiest bullshit I've ever seen in wrestling. Russo would be embarrassed of that and he did shit like "Goldberg refused to take the planned finish, so Nash and Steiner have to improvise now" bullshit.
ECW is pretty terrible. So terrible that it makes me long for the dog shit dying WCW days. And this is supposed to be the "peak" of ECW.