ECW November to Remember 1995

Broad Street Bully vs Don E. Allen

That's right, ECW actually did a hockey player gimmick before WWF.  Buh Buh Ray Dudley was a special guest announcer, despite his quite severe speech impediment.  And he comes to the ring in his tie dye with a white tuxedo jacket and black hat.  He is quite eloquent and has no problem talking up a storm until he gets to LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRURURURURURURUR.  Poor guy.  Big Dick hits him.  Buh Buh says, "FUCK THIS" and attacks Allen.  Then the GOOOOOOOON picks a fight and gets his ass kicked.  And Buh Buh pins the Bully for the win.  

Paul Heyman comes to the ring and asks for the lights to be dimmed.  When they come back...IT'S SABU!  HE'S BACK!  Fans lose their minds.  Paul and Sabu shake hands and hug.  Sabu returns to the ring TONIGHT!

TO THE MEAN JOEY.  Jason is his guest in the ring.  Joey's hives return.  But then Konnan comes out.  KONNAN?!?  FUCK ME.  I can't get away from this mother fucker.  Oh.  I guess Joey was just doing ring announcements.  Don't they have a real announcer?  Like...a couple of them?

Konnan vs Jason Special Guest Referee: Taz

Fuck my life.  Why am I doing this?  Why am I doing it WITHOUT booze?  Konnan looks like a melted creamsicle.  Taz has been out of action since the early summer when TMF and Scorpio fucking spiked that little prick with a spike tombstone.  Joey tried to talk to him to let him explain stuff.  Jason talked shit and got hit.  "The way I see it, you got your hands full with him.  You better keep your fuckin' hands off me."  Konnan immediately wins with a splash mountain.  Thank god.  Taz saved me!  

El Puerto Ricano vs Stevie Richards

Some fat dude in the crowd, apparently named the Blue Meanie, gives Stevie a new half shirt.  They hug.  Joey makes a gay joke.  He also has a real problem with Flock of Seagulls it seems.  Ricano starts the match with an awkward moonsault thing to the floor.  Then a moonsault in the ring and a missile dropkick.  Then a suicide dive on Meanie, which super ultra smart mark Joey calls a tope.  YOU PIECE OF SHIT.  Stevie Bomb.  4th powerbomb of the night so far.  Another one.  5 powerbombs in 3 matches.  2 of which weren't even by someone in the match.  The Meaniesault misses.  YOU FAT FUCK.  Well, they aren't wrong.  Stevie Kick gets the win. 

Eliminators vs Pitbulls

Jason is back.  Do you like his suit?  Cunt.  Jason originally managed the Pitbulls.  Now he brought in the Eliminators to take them out.  Francine's yams and cans are no joke.  She's wearing what appears to be left overs of Catwoman's suit from Batman Returns.  Look at skinny Joel Gertner.  "Stop touching yourself.  There are children watching!"  I would hope children weren't watching ECW.  The same ECW that, on their television show, had a guy in a Jeffrey Dahmer shirt screaming, "nigger" in Scorpio's face over and over.  The same ECW that has the Beulah's Box segment.  The same ECW that had Beulah tell Francine that she knew how to please a man before Francine sucked her first cock.  The same ECW that had Steve Austin call Woman a $5 piece of ass and imply her vagina smelled.  It's not exactly a product for children.  Saturn and 1 begin.  Saturn with his long undercut.  So weird.  And that 90s steroid puff.  Kronus was just fat.  Kronus hits a dragon suplex about 45 seconds into his time in the ring.  Kronus gives Saturn a helping hand to the floor.  Joey manages to get "orbit" out twice in less than 10 seconds.  Because Saturn is the name of a planet, you see.  Pretty confident the Eliminators are named after the god Cronus/Saturn and nothing to do with planets.  2 misses a Stinger Splash, hits the turnbuckle support, flies to the floor and gets a huge gash on his forearm.  He's stuck as FIP for a while after that.  Seems like a cut that big in the ECW arena is instant gangrene.  There is only one good wrestler in this and it shows.  Pitbulls probably would have won with a superbomb/neck breaker combo, but Jason broke the pin.  Super bomb on Kronus gets the win.  Jason sexually assaults Francine after the match.  Joey is amazed he likes girls.  Not disgusted at clear sexual assault going on in the middle of the ring.  The Eliminators hit Total Elimination on both Pitbulls after the match.  This was only 11 minutes but god damn did it feel like 8 hours.

Psychosis vs Rey Mysterio Jr Mexican Death Match

Standard death match rules: After being pinned or submitting, the loser has 10 seconds to return to his feet before losing the match.  Hypno immediately misses his flying ass thing in the corner.  Rey scores the first pin seconds in with a Dragonrana.  1 and a half into a rana and a roll up.  Excuse me.  Anything Joey doesn't know the name up is a "one and a half" something or other.  To the floor we go.  Because XTREME LUCHA.  Rey tries to springboard off of the METAL GUARD RAIL WITH NO SPRING AT ALL TO IT and slips, injuring his leg.  Like a dip shit.  Hypno gets a pin with a moonsault.  RUDO RUDO chant starts up.  Powerbomb pins Rey.  So many powerbombs on this show.  Fans boo when Hypno doesn't use a chair.  Because they're cunts.  Especially the hippie dude always in the front row with dreadlocks and CONSTANTLY mimicking gestures or telling the crowd when to cheer or be quiet.  Hypno has won like 4 straight falls, but Rey makes the 10 count each time.  The chair gets used.  XTREME LUCHA.  Technically, I think Rey actually lost the match a couple of times, because he was only up on one knee for a couple of counts.  Whatever.  Rey gets back into it and dives into the crowd twice.  XTREME LUCHA LIBRE.  To the eagle's nest.  Rey does a diving rana from the eagle's nest to the platform below.  Hypno is unable to make it to 10.  I guess it was actually make it to the ring in 10 seconds?  Idk.  Rey wins.  Really a waste of these two, since 90% of the match with Hypno hitting a move, pinning Rey, and then waiting 10 seconds.  Their other ECW matches on TV were better.  JASON comes to the ring to shit talk Konnan and offers to manage Rey.  When Rey walks away, Jason calls him a "little bitch".  Rey lays him out and I think calls him a little shit.  The Eliminators hit the ring and beat Rey down until 911 comes out.  Double chokeslam.  Way to put the Eliminators over, Paul.  Have them lose their match even with interference, have to attack 3 feet tall Rey from behind, then get beaten up by one guy.

Sandman/2 Cold Scorpio vs Public Enemy

If Sandman or Scorp get the fall in this, they will get an ECW Championship match.  Scorp is also the TV Champ heading into this, but I'm not sure if that title is on the line.  If he were to win, he could potentially be the triple crown champion...all at once.  Wait, I guess ANYONE who gets the fall will get a title shot against Mikey tonight.  God damn it, Joey takes another shot at Bobby Heenan.  Really pisses me off.  Joey AIN'T SHIT next to Bobby Heenan, yet he takes pot shots at him all the time on TV.  Not King.  Not Cornette.  Just Heenan.  PLEASE DON'T GO chants for PE.  They haven't even signed with WWF or WCW yet.  OR HAVE THEY?  Scorp wants a dance off with Rocco.  Sandman proves to be the best dancer.  Woman starts to dance, but PE got too excited.  Then attacked.  PE clears the ring and dances some more.  When the match finally starts, it is with Sandman and Grunge.  it doesn't take long for Grunge and Scorp to be flying around and everyone getting chairs.  Scorp takes a prosthetic hand from a fan to use as a weapon.  Sandman gets nachos or cheese fries to the face.  PUMPKIN PIE PUMPKIN PIE PUMPKIN PIE.  "Rocco Rock hot dogging it with the mustard."  And this prick has the nerve to shit on Bobby Heenan.  Brawling all over the place.  With fake hands, hot dogs, and pies.  It's like a holiday episode of Smackdown.  But XTREME.  Grunge is covered in blood.  I'm not sure what from.  A dinner roll, perhaps.  Rocco accidentally hits Grunge with a flipping senton.  Sandman, who was leaning on the ropes, falls forward and ends up pinning Grunge.  Titles retained.  Sandman will get his rematch with Mikey, which he was owed anyway.  

Tod Gordon vs Bill Alfonzo Special Guest Referee: Beulah McGillicutty

Fonzie attacks from behind and before the bell.  And on the floor.  Fonzie shoves Beulah around.  She slaps him.  So he lariatoooos her.  Tod makes it to the ring and we got us a FIGHT, MAGGLE.  Fonzie gets busted open.  Tod Gordon has clearly never thrown a punch in his life.  Tod hits Fonzie with a frying pan, but there is no ref to count.  Taz comes out to count it, but then beats up Gordon.  SWERVE!  MY GOD!  FAST COUNT FOR FONZIE!  Taz explains himself.  No one called Taz while he was hurt.  People cried da blues when Dreamer broke his fingers, and when Terry Funk gets hurt, or when fucking Sabu gets his fucking neck almost fucking broken and everyone is fucking pissing and fucking moaning.  Fuck Taz?  FUCK YOU.  HE'S SHOOTING on Paul E.!  Fonzie cares about Taz.  SUCK HIS DICK chants start up.  "We don't give a flying FUCK about you!"  Taz didn't sell out, Joey.  He bought in.  Taz sure says "fuck" a lot.  He challenges a fan to hit the ring.  

Steve Austin vs Mikey Whipwreck ECW Championship

Sandman was supposed to get his extreme rematch, but Austin attacked him during his entrance and drank his beer.  This is Austin's first match in months, coming off of a triceps injury and getting fired from WCW.  Austin is going to pretend Mikey is Eric Bischoff.  And he puts the boots to young Mikey.  Fans chant HOGAN HOGAN at Austin, so Austin hits the big boot and leg drop.  Mikey kicks out!  Mikey fights back!  Stun Gun OUTTA NOWHERE.  Austin took too long to cover.  Sun set flip upsets Steve Austin!  My god!  Title retained!  Austin lays that mother fucker out with a lariato after the match.  Stunning Extreme Superstar Stone Cold Steve Austin just got pinned by Mikey Whipwreck.  

Hack Myers vs Sabu

Sabu was publicly fired LEGIT SHOOT at an ECW show by Paul for taking a booking in Japan over ECW.  And now he's back.  I expect some crazy botch that only Sabu is capable of.  I hope for one, at least.  Somehow there really weren't any botches.  And what is a Sabu match without botches?  Sabu won with the Arabian facebuster.

Terry Funk/Tommy Dreamer vs Raven/Cactus Jack

Fucking lol at how this is hyped as one of Terry Funk's last matches.  One of his last 3000 matches, maybe.  FOREVER, FOREVER, FOREVER Cactus Jack get your ass out here.  LOL Catcus is wearing a Dungeon of Doom shirt.  That's wonderful.  Four dudes.  Four t-shirts. Some degenerate in the crowd shoots silly spring all in air while Cactus is getting blasted with a chair in the crowd.  Funk then shows off his improbable aiming skills and manages to beam Raven in the back of the head from the floor.  Stevie brings out a bunch of weapons in a shopping cart.  He gets put in that cart and rammed into the ring post.  Dreamer hits Raven with a VCR as Funk is pounding Cactus with a shovel.  Terry starts beating up the ref for no reason. 3 wood to Raven's wood!  Golf club to the dick, for all you uncultured swine.  Cactus takes off his DoD shirt to reveal another one: It has Bischoff on the front and "Forgive me, Uncle Eric!" on the back as he does the WCW in the manner of the YMCA.  Raven pins Funk.  Cactus makes the count.  He should have worn a ref shirt underneath his Eric shirt to add legitimacy to that count.  Fonzie and Taz come out.  Terry Funk kicks out!  Fonzie starts stomping him.  Taz tries to pin Terry himself.  Tommy and Taz have a stare down.  Raven jumps Tommy.  Dreamer piledrives Raven on a chair.  Terry Funk makes the cover to win the match.  

After the match, Cactus tries to choke Terry to death with some kind of cable.  Dreamer makes a barbed wire crown for Raven.  Raven ends up DDTing him and headbutting him in the balls.

ECW is full of bullshit.  They frequently shit on WCW and WWF for their gimmicks and cartoony bullshit, yet this show had a hockey player/goon gimmick before WWF did it, a dance off, a comedy group of inbred brothers (one of which with a speech impediment), a brutal bloody brawl with things like mustard and pumpkin pies, comedy in almost EVERY match even when it makes no sense, a referee and authority figure in a match against each other.  In fact, I'd argue the top heel is Fonzie.  A ref.  The only real differences between ECW and the big leagues were how unclean the ring was, blood, and bad language.  

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